At Discovery Green, David came up behind me and asked, “Do you want children, Amy?”  I found that to be out of the blue but answered honestly: “Not really.  Why do you ask?”  When I answer that, I am always a bit hesitant because I feel that whoever around me and hears will look down on me a little.  It seems almost all “good” people would want a child of their own, and especially if I want to get married.  In other words, I feel like the guy I want to catch will probably want a kid–and that’s a big thing for me to not want one.  And in a sense I feel I have the obligation, when I marry, because (1) I don’t know if we’re always going to be having protection while having sex, (2) if I have the ability and there are other women who struggle so hard to have one naturally instead of adopting, and (3) I am blessed with a husband and the ability to birthe (which I don’t know yet obviously but nothing is making me doubt it) then aren’t I also called to produce holy (as holy as it can be, being still on Earth) seed?  Eh, not to worry for too long at this point in time for me.

I have always wanted to be happily married (whatever that means).  But, I don’t want my kids to inherit this mental illness streak, especially a worse one.  And to have children (because I’d like to have two for them to play with each other and relate to us parents haha, but two only) means when they’re conceived, you’re going to have them for the rest of your adult life.  Yes, they’ll grow up and move out, but you’re always going to see them as yours and your responsibility, plus they’re going to want to (hopefully) keep in contact with you and all.  They say you don’t have to be perfect to accept Jesus’s gift of saving you (true), and you don’t have to be perfect to marry someone (true again), and you also don’t have to be perfect to have kids (true), but the latter one seems to be the hardest for me to grasp.  Every single movement and word and facial expression and gesture will be picked up by your child–talk about accountability!  Yesh, they will see, but I’m afraid they will learn!  At the same time that I am learning how to be a mother, as well as probably holding down a job, and still learning about being a woman.  People say they pray for their future spouse every day.  I say, fabulous, lovely, continue to do so.  But also, get down on those knees and pray for your future children!  For yourself!

I remember at the Global Cafe, while AliceSun was on my left and Phoebe was on my right, we were talking about relationships.  AliceSun happened to have a really cool guy with her, and she says it’s almost too good to be true for her because usually the guys she falls for have a lot of problems.  Phoebe shared that, since Linton will propose to her within a year, she really had never thought of joining her life with another.  That, unlike Grace, she had never dreamed of getting married (like those other girls who practically have their entire wedding planned out, or I guess even like me, knowing I’d like to be married but the details are unclear).  Always wanted to be hitched, never wanted to have the little ones.  Only time will tell.

When a period of feasting had run its course, Job would send and have them purified. Early in the morning he would sacrifice a burnt offering for each of them, thinking, “Perhaps my children have sinned and cursed God in their hearts.” This was Job’s regular custom.