LWB: Ch03: About Themselves

One of the areas that is particularly impacted by our view of God is our view of ourselves.  If we do not see Him as He really is, invariably, we will have a distorted view of ourselves.  If we have an impoverished view of God, we will become impoverished ourselves. 

7.  “I’m not worth anything.”

More than 42% of the women we surveyed indicated that this is a lie they have believed.  Sometimes the input and opinions of others are accurate and helpful.  But if, for some reason, the person we are listening to is looking through a defective “lens,” his or her vision will be distorted.  Some of us have lived all our lives in an emotional prison because we have accepted what a false, “broken” mirror said about us about ourselves.  Even when the input is true, the Deceiver can use that data to put us in bondage.  For example, a playmate may accurately observe, “You’re fat!”  That little girl will one day find herself in bondage if she grows up drawing false conclusions:  “Therefore…”

• I’ll always be fat
• Nobody could ever like me or want me to be her friend
• I’m worthless
• I have to be the life of the party in order to be liked or accepted by others

These women are letting others determine their self worth.  Jesus’ sense of worth was determined, not by what others thought of him–good or bad–but by the Truth as expressed by His heavenly Father (I Peter 2:4, chosen by God).  It is conceivable that someone who did not recognize or appreciate fine art would toss a masterpiece into the trash.  Would that make the painting less valuable?  The true worth of the art would be seen when an art collector spotted the painting and said, “That is a priceless piece, and I am willing to pay any amount to acquire it.”  When God sent His only Son Jesus to this earth to bear your sin and mine on the cross, He put a price tag on us–He declared the value of our soul to be greater than the value of the whole world.  Whose opinion are you going to accept?

8.  “I need to learn to love myself.”

“Low self-esteem” is one of the most common diagnoses of our day.  Mental health professionals diagnose it in their clients; teachers diagnose it in their students; people diagnose it in themselves.  The lies represented in ads are not the polar opposite but rather distortions of the Truth.  In reality, we were created in the image of God, that He loves us, and that we are precious to Him.  However, we do not bestow that worth on ourselves.  The Truth is that we do love ourselves–immensely.  Jesus tells us to love our neighbors as ourselves (Ephesians 5:28-29).  Some of us get hurt easily not because we hate ourselves but because we love ourselves!  If we did not care so much about ourselves, to be accepted and cherished, we would not be so concerned about being rejected, neglected, or mistreated.  Our malady is our low view of God, our “poor God-image.”  We need to deny ourselves, receive His incredible love for us, and accept His design and purpose for our lives.  We will no longer have to compare ourselves to others; we will not focus on “self” at all.  Instead, we will become channels of His love to others.

9.  “I can’t help the way I am.”

Perhaps you relate to one of these women: “You’ll be just like your parents–it’s hereditary”, “I had a weight problem because all my dad’s family is fat.  No use trying–it just comes back anyway.  I blame them for my bondage to food”, “It’s that time of the month”, “I’ve never had a model to show me how to raise my kids”, or “My family never dealt with problems so to this day, I can’t really confront issues.”  The implication of all these is that others have made us the way we are–we are merely victims, reacting to wounds inflicted on us.  However, as we reflect on Eve’s story, we discover that it was not a man who ruined her life–contrary to the insistence of modern-day feminism that men are largely responsible for our problems as women.  Eve made a simple, personal choice–there was no one but herself to blame.  The lie makes us into helpless victims with no more control over who we are and what we do than a marionette.  This leaves us without hope that we can ever be different.  The Truth is that we do have a choice.  We can be changed by the power of God’s Spirit.

10.  “I have my rights.”

“Certain unalienable rights”…”Have it your way”…from the Declaration of Independence to fast food, this has been a watch cry of Western civilization.  The modern-day feminist movement was birthed in the 1960s and has been sustained by persuading women to march:  the right to vote; the right to be free from housework; the right to equal employment and wages; the right to control our own bodies; the right to be free from a husband’s name and from every other form of “male domination.”  After all, “If you don’t stand up for your rights, no one else will!”  Today it is assumed that

• you have a right to be happy
• you have a right to be understood
• you have a right to be loved
• you have a right to a certain standard of living, to an equitable wage, and to decent benefits
• you have a right to a good marriage
• you have a right to companionship and romance
• you have a right to be treated with respect in the workplace
• you have a right to be valued by your husband and appreciated by your children
• you have a right to time off and a certain number of vacation days
• you have a right to a good night’s sleep
• you have a right to have your husband pitch in with the household chores

And most important, if any of your rights are violated, you have a right to protest, to be angry, to take action, to insist on your rights!  However, the claiming of rights has produced much, if not most, of the unhappiness women experience today.  The Old Testament prophet Jonah illustrates the natural human tendency to claim rights and become angry when those “rights” are violated.  Jonah felt he had a right to dislike the Ninevites, to minister where he wanted to minister, to see the Ninevites judged by God.  When God acted differently, Jonah became angry with an emotional temper tantrum that resulted in suicidal thoughts (Jonah 4:1).  When God responded, He didn’t sympathize with his wounded feelings or stroke his ego.  “Have you any right to be angry?” (Jonah 4:4).  Jonah refused to answer the question.  Instead, he went to the city’s outskirts and built a temporary shelter to see if God would change his mind.  God provided a vine (Jonah 4:6), and Jonah was happy, but when it was gone, he begged to die again.  “Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?” (Jonah 4:9).  “I do….I am angry enough to die” (Jonah 4:9).  Jonah felt he had the right to control his own life and environment, to have things go the way he wanted them to go, and to be angry when they didn’t.  If I am staking out my own rights, even the smallest violation of those rights can leave me feeling and acting moody, uptight, and angry.  The fact is, successful relationships and healthy cultures are not built on the claiming of rights but on the yielding of rights. 

11.  “Physical beauty matters more than inner beauty.”

I believe that our preoccupation with external apperance goes back to the first woman.  The fruit was “pleasing to the eye.”  The problem wasn’t that the fruit was “beautiful”–God had made it that way.  Nor was it wrong to enjoy and appreciate the beauty of God’s creation.  The problem was that Eve placed undue emphasis on external appearance than less visible qualities, such as trust and obedience.  From that moment on, Eve and her husband became self-conscious and ashamed of their bodies–bodies that had been masterfully formed by a loving Creator.  They immediately sought to cover up, afraid to risk exposure before one another.  This lie leaves both men and women feeling unattractive, ashamed, embarrassed, and hopelessly flawed.  Comparison, envy, competitiveness, promiscuity, sexual additions, eating disorders, immodest dress, flirtatious behavior–the list of attitudes and behaviors rooted in a false view of beauty is long.  Only the Truth (Proverbs 31:30, I Peter 3:3-5) can overcome the lies we have believed.

These verses do not teach that physical beauty is somehow sinful, or that it is wrong to apy any attention to our outward appearance.  One of Satan’s strategies is to get us to move from one extreme to another.  There is a growing aversion in our culture to neatness, orderliness, and attractiveness in dress.  Do you know who you are?  God made you a woman; accept His gift; don’t be afraid to be feminine and to add physical and spiritual loveliness to the setting where He has placed you.  You are a child of God; you are part of the bride of Christ; you belong to the King–you are royalty.  Dress and conduct yourself in a way that reflects your high and holy calling.  We as Christian women should seek to reflect the beauty, order, excellence, and grace of God thorugh both our outward and inner person.  The “virtuous wife” is physically fit and well dressed (Proverbs 31:17,22), a compliment to her husband.  If a wife dresses slovenly, she reflects negatively on her husband (and on her heavenly Bridegroom).  Further, if she makes no effort to be physically attractive for her husband, you may be sure another woman out there will be standing in line to get his attention.

When the apostle Paul wrote to Timothy about how things ought to be in the church, he took time to address the way women dress.  His instructions show the balance between the inner heart attitude and her outer attire and behavior (I Timothy 2:9-10).  The words translated “adorn” and “modest” in this text mean “orderly, well-arranged, decent”; they speak of “harmonious arrangement.”  The outward appearance is to reflect a heart that is simple, pure, and well-ordered; her clothing and hairstyles should not be distracting or draw attention to herself.  In this way, she reflects the true condition of her heart and her relationship with the Lord, and she makes the Gospel attractive to the world.  No sooner had I turned forty, than I started receiving catalogs promoting products guaranteed to combat the effects of aging.  However, the fact is, I am getting older.  There is a dimension of life that can grow richer and fuller (Proverbs 4:18), even as our outer bodies are decaying. 

12.  “I should not have to live with unfulfilled longings.”

Our society has bought into the philosophy that there is (or ought to be) a remedy (preferably quick and easy) for every unfulfilled longing.  We are encouraged to identify do whatever is necessary to get those “needs” met.  Take a quick look at the covers of women’s magazines at the checkout counter filled with offers that promise to satisfy.  This lie has led women to trade their virginity for a warm body and the promise of companionship.  It has led many young people down the aisle of a church to exchange wedding vows for all the wrong reasons.  And it has led a high percentage of those same couples down the aisle of a divorce court. 

First, we have to recognize that we will always have unfulfilled longings this side of heaven (Romans 8:23, Psalm 16:11, 34:8-10).  In fact, if we could have all our longings fulfilled down here, hearts would never long for a better place.  Our inner longings are not necessarily sinful in and of themselves.  What is wrong is demanding that those longings be fulfilled here and now, or insisting on meeting those longings in illegitimate ways.  God created the sex drive.  It is not wrong to fulfill that drive, as long as it is fulfilled in God’s timing and in God’s way–within the marriage covenant.  Likewise, it is not wrong to have hunger or to eat.  What is wrong is when we stuff ourselves in an effort to satisfy emotional and spiritual longings.  Until God provides the legitimage context to fulfill our longings, we must learn to be content with unfulfilled longings.  We must learn to accept those longings, surrender them to God, and look to Him to meet the deepest needs of our hearts.  The second Truth is that the deepest longings of our hearts cannot be filled by any created person or thing.  Every created thing is guaranteed to disappoint us.  Things can burn, break, be stolen, get lost.  People can move, change, fail, die.

AFFIRM the Truth:  Psalm 139:13-18, Ephesians 1:3-8, Romans 5:6-8, Romans 8:1-2, 13, 15-17

LWB: Ch02: About God

Disclaimer:  This is by no means an exhaustive list.  Also, no woman believes all the lies.  Still, it’s not enough to ask, “Do I believe this lie?”  Each of us must also ask, “Do I live as though I believe this lie?”  Some of the issues we will address are “hot potatoes.”  They are controversial, even in the evangelical world.  In a few cases, you may find yourself saying, “I don’t believe that is a lie.”  Let me appeal to you not to get tripped up by a handful of particular issues where you may have a genuine disagreement.  I am simply presenting what I understand the Scripture to teach.  I am not the final word on any of these matters; Jesus and His Word are “the Truth.”  My objective is not for you to agree with everything I say but to motivate you to seek out the Truth as it is revealed in the Word of God and to examine and evaluate every area of your life in light of that Truth.

1.  “God is not really good.  If he were, He would….”

This is a lie that few women consciously believe.  Most of us would never say, “God is not really good.”  Theologically, intellectually, we know that God is good.  But deep in many of our hearts, there lurks a suspicion that He may not really be good–at least, that He has not been good to me.  In essence, this is the lie Satan used to seduce Eve back in the Garden.  When turbulence, disappointment, or pain comes into our lives, Satan tempts us to wonder, “If God were good, how could He have let this happen?” or “Why would He have kept/denied this [good thing] from me?”  In this fallen world where wars, genocide, famine, and natural disasters are a reality, the Deceiver tries to cast God in a negative light.  Once we doubt the goodness of God, we feel justified in rejecting His will and making our own decision about right and wrong.  The Truth is, God is good.  Hannah Whitall Smith put it well when she said,

A great many things in God’s divine providences do not look to the eye like goodness.  But faith sits down before mysteries such as these, and says, “The Lord is good, therefore all that He does must be good no matter how it looks.  I can wait for His explanations.”

2.  “God doesn’t love me.”

For many women, there is a disconnection between what they know intellectually and what they feel to be true.  We trust what we feel to be true, rather than what we know to be true.  (We will come back to this point because it is so fundamental to the way we as women are wired.)  The Truth is, God does love us.  The Scripture says that when I was His enemy, He loved me (Romans 4:6-10).  In a recent letter, Melana Monroe talked about how she has come to have a deeper comprehension of the incredible love of God, through her husband’s response to her double mastectomy:

As we wept and trembled when he took my bandages off the first time, I was so ugly, scarred, and bald.  I was in intense grief that I could never be a whole wife to him again.  Steve held me tightly and with tears in his eyes said, “Melana, I love you because that is who I am.”  I instantly recognized Christ in my husband.  As His bride, we are also eaten up with cancer–sin–and are scarred, mutilated, and ugly, but He loves us because that is who He is.  No comeliness in us draws Christ’s attention; it isonly His essence that draws Him to us.

3.  “God is just like my father.”

As women, our view of God is often greatly influenced by the men we have known–particularly our fathers.  Our perception of God can be positively or negatively shaped by those men.  If you have been wounded by a father–or another man you trusted–you may find it difficult to trust God.  You may even be afraid of Him or angry with Him.  You must believe me when I tell you that God is not like any man you have ever known.  The wisest, kindest earthly father is but a pale reflection of our heavenly Father (Hebrews 1:3).  It doesn’t mean He never allows us to suffer pain–in fact, at times, He actually inflicts pain and hardship on us.  Why?  Because He loves us.  Because He cares about us.  Because He is committed to us (Hebrews 12:10).

4.  “God is not really enough.”

We would hardly dare to breathe these words.  But the way we live reveals that this is what we really do believe.  Oh, God’s Word can deal with everyone else’s problems; but it doesn’t speak to my issues, my needs, my relationships, my situation.  I need God’s Word plus these eight books from the Christian bookstore; I need God’s Word plus tapes and conferences and counselors.  I need Him plus close friends; I need Him plus good heatlh; I need Him plus a job that pays enough.

5.  “God’s ways are too restrictive.”

Over and over again, the Scripture teaches that God’s laws are for our good and our protection.  Obedience is the pathway to freedom.  But Satan places in our minds the idea that God’s laws are burdensome, unreasonable, and unfair, and that if we obey Him we will be miserable.  In the Garden, he caused Eve to focus on the one limitation God had placed on her.  The Deceiver’s motto is “Have it your way: no one has the right to tell you what you can or cannot do.”  But there is one thing we are not free to choose, and that is the consequences.  I have often wondered why food is such an issue with so many women.  I’m convinced it has something to do with Genesis 3.

6.  “God should fix my problems.”

It reduces God to a cosmic genie who exists to please and serve us (if we have problems that haven’t been fixed, then apparently God has not come through for us), and it suggests that the goal in life is to be free from all problems (to get rid of everything that is difficult or unpleasant).  Our society is conditioned to think that we should not have to live with problems–that every problem must be “fixed”:

• Have a headache?  Take Tylenol.
• Don’t like your boss?  Quit and get another job.
• Don’t like your pastor’s style of preaching?  Find another church.
• Can’t afford a newer car?  Borrow.
• Men don’t notice you?  Flirt and dress to attract their attention.
• Your husband doesn’t romance you like he did?  Find a man at church who cares.

For many, “Christianity” is nothing more than another way to get their problems solved.  Just pray and believe in God, and you’ll have plenty of money, your friend will be cured of cancer, you’ll get instant victory over sin so you won’t have to struggle with bad habits anymore, and you will be happy and healthy.  This deceptive way of thinking explains why a lot of Christian women are angry, bitter, and frustrated.  Living an obedient life does spare us from many problems that are the natural consequences of life lived apart from God and His ways.  The Truth is, even those who have been redeemed live in earthly bodies and have to deal with the realities of temptation, sin (both our own and others’), disease, loss, pain, and death.  Even being a mature Christian does not wrap us in a celestial cocoon.  Not until God makes a new heaven and new earth will we be totally free from the ravages of sin.  But God is not removed or detached from our problems (Psalm 46:1, Hebrews 5:8).

Making It Personal

• Agree with God.  What lies have you believed?
• Accept responsibility.  How has believing those lies manifested itself in the way you live (eg. attitudes, actions)?
• Affirm the Truth.  Read Psalm 100:5, Psalm 23, Psalm 121, Romans 8:28-29.
• Act on the Truth.  What specific steps do you need to take?
• Ask God to help you walk in the Truth.  Pray.

LWB: Ch01: Truth or Consequences

Deception in advertising appeals to our natural human longings.  We want to believe that somehow, mysteriously, those unwanted pounds really could melt away–no sweat, no discipline, no pain.  That’s why we buy the pills, the diet drink powders, and the exercise equipment sold on infomercials.

Satan deceived Eve through a clever combination of outright lies, half-truths, and falsehoods disguised as truth.  He planted seeds of doubt (Genesis 3:1, really say?) and led her to be careless with God’s Word, suggesting He said something He hadn’t (Genesis 3:3, eat versus touch).  She began to question the goodness, love, and motives of God (Genesis 3:1 with restrictions versus Genesis 2:16 with free to eat except one).  The Serpent lied about the consequences of choosing to disobey God (Genesis 3:4) and seduced with all kinds of benefits (Genesis 3:4-5).  God had already stated what was right and wrong, but Satan said, “A whole world will open up; you can be your own god; that’s His opinion, you have your own–make your own decisions about right and wrong.”  Satan deceived Eve by causing her to make her decision based on what she could see, and on what her emotions and reason told her to be right.

Deception was, and still is, crucial to Satan’s strategy (John 8:44).  Satan chose to target the woman (II Corinthians 11:3, I Timothy 2:14).  Some believe there was something in the way Eve was created that made her more vulnerable.  Others suggest that because God had placed her under the headship of her husband, once she stepped out from under that spiritual covering and protection, she was more easily deceived.  Regardless, there is something significant about that progression and that, to this day, there is a unique sense in which Satan targets women for deception.  He knows that if we as women buy into his deception, we will influence the men around us to sin, and our sinful choices will set a pattern for subsequent generations.

Sometimes, as with Eve, Satan deceives directly.  Sometimes, he uses others as instruments of deception (Ezekiel 13:22).  Repeatedly, Paul (Ephesians 5:6) challenges God’s people to speak Truth to one another.  When we are not honest with each other, we actually do Satan’s work for him, acting as his agents, deceiving and destroying each other.  You will find respected “Christian leaders” who are deceiving their followers.  In most cases, I do not believe they intend to deceive–they may not even realize they are being deceptive.  However, their teachings help people justify:

• anger (”healthy expression of your true feelings”)
• selfishness (”place boundaries between you and demanding people”)
• irresponsibility (”you’re dysfunctional because you have been deeply wounded by others”)
• infidelity (”God is the God of the second chance”)

At the same time, they make “the righteous” feel “sad” or guilty…

• for taking personal responsibility (”you’re codependent”)
• for demonstrating a servant’s heart (”you shouldn’t let others take advantage of you”)
• for being faithful to their vows (”God doesn’t expect you to stay in that marriage”)

Sadly, most people–even Christians–have unthinkingly exposed themselves to so much deception that they do not even realize they are being deceived.  That is the very nature of deception–it blinds us to the fact that we have been deceived.  So much of our lifestyle is rooted in ways of thinking that simply are not true.  The result is a house built on sinking sand.  Unfortunately, most people mindlessly accept whatever they hear and see, without asking important questions.  If the forbidden fruit hadn’t seemed so attractive (Genesis 3:5-6), do you think Eve would have fallen for the offer?  What makes Satan’s offers so alluring is that they look so right.  The problem is that Eve didn’t stop to evaluate what was really happening.  She didn’t stop to consider the cost and consequences of what she was about to do.  We have the same problem.  We simply live our lives, repsonding to the people, circumstances, and influences around us.

People don’t fall into bondage overnight.  There is a progression that leads to bondage:

1. Listen to a lie.  Carefully monitor the input we allow into our minds and hearts.  I am the oldest of seven children, and God gave my parents the conviction , wisdom, and courage, to “grow” their children in a spiritual “greenhouse.”  They made a conscious effort to protect us from influences that could be harmful and to surround us with influences that would spiritually nurture our lives.  At a young age, our hearts were sensitized to sin and quickened by the Truth.  Once they released us, they wanted us to continue to walk in the Truth and to recognize and reject anything that was deceptive and untrue.  The world’s ways come through us through so many avenues.  A steady diet of these will shape our view of what is valuable, what is beautiful, and what is important.  There are no harmless lies.  We cannot expose ourselves to the world’s false ways and come out unscathed.
2. Dwell on the lie.  We consider, mull over, engage the Enemy in conversation, contemplate that he may be right, after all.  The process is akin to gardening.  The soil is cultivated (we open ourselves up to input contrary to God’s Word), the seed is sown (listen), and then it’s watered/fertilized (dwell).
3. Believe the lie.  The seed that has been sown begins to take root and starts to grow.  Once she believed, the next step was a small one.
4. Act on the lie.  The lie produces fruit, the fruit of deception.  Beliefs produce behavior.  What we believe will be seenin the way we live.  Conversely, the way we behave is invariably based on what we believe to be true–not what we say we believe, but what we actually believe (Proverbs 23:7).

And not just a single fruit, but a whole harvest–of bondage, destruction, and death.  The next time we are tempted, we find it is easier to sin.  We sin again and again, until a “groove” has been worn in our hearts–a sinful pattern.  Before we realize, we are slaves.  Here are three steps to keep in mind as we begin to deal more specifically with the lies that put us in bondage and the Truth that sets us free:

1. Identify the area(s) of bondage or sinful behavior (II Peter 2:19).  Is it physical bondage (eg. overeating, substance abuse), emotional bondage (eg. depression, fear), sexual bondage (eg. masturbation, lust), or financial bondage (eg. greed, stinginess)?  Are there sinful habits that plague you (eg. anger, lying)?  Are you in bondage to the need for approval, excessive shyness, or an addiction to TV?  Once you identify them, don’t just try to eliminate them.  If you want to get rid of poisonous berries, it’snot enough to pick all of them off.  More will just grow back.  the only way to permanently get rid of them is to pull the bush from the roots.
2. Identify the lie(s) at the root of that bondage or behavior.  The answer may not be immediately apparent–roots are generally hidden, and lies by their very nature are deceptive.  We need the Lord to help us see.
3. Replace the lie(s) with the Truth (John 8:32).  That is our weapon that overcomes Satan’s primary weapon of deception.  Each lie must be countered with the corresponding Truth.  Where we have listen, dwelt on, believed, and acted on lies, we must begin to listen to, meditate on, believe and act on the Truth.

LWB: Reviews

The following are rated on a scale with the maximum score being five stars.  Some sites let you use 0 an halves, while others only give the option of whole numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5.  I placed them in chronological order from three websites (goodreads, amazon, and christianbooks).

T. King “Bible Teacher” (Hawaii) rated it 0.5 on 10/16/04.  Does anyone remember the Shepherding Movement in the 60’s - 70’s with Mumford, D. Prince and some others? Pretty much ALL the Scripture interpretive eisigesis in this book and her video is straight from the Shepherding Movement which destroyed marriages and left wounded individuals that some today are still healing.  DeMoss starts outside the Scripture from a premise. I’ve been teaching how to study the Bible for years emphasizing contextual reading and gleaning FROM the Scriptures, thus when someone does what she does it is glaringly obvious to me.
          One should not START from any approach, but should seek to extract the points from the Scriptures without adding into Scripture. For instance take the words “Adam was not deceived, Eve was deceived and thus fell (versus knowingly walked) into transgression. Because DeMoss is coming from a preconceived set of patriarchal beliefs (as many have done throughout history actually) she changes this to meaning that women are easily deceived and more prone to deception. In order to do that, she has to change words and add words: Eve becomes “women”, and easily and more prone are added in. The actual verse does not address women in general being deceived, yet this is what she uses and patriarchal teaching uses to tell women they need male guidance and are unfit to control their own lives, determine truth, etc.
          And this view of woman is the primary foundation for all her views of woman. And curiously she does not conclude her own approach by applying the same method to the first part and say that men are more prone to deliberately choose wickedness. This then reveals her (and the patriarchal) agenda is not seeking the truth but proving a biased premise by reading it into Scripture rather than gleaning truth from Scripture.  The redeeming portions of DeMoss’s book if you can ignore her incorrect eisigesis of Scripture is the outline of how one falls into deception and how to avoid deception. She also does an excellent work dealing with priorities and how to trust God to heal from childhood lies.

Lady Carrie (Lebanon, OR) rated it *** on 01/19/05.  There were several powerful and liberating points in this book that all sisters in Christ need to hear. For example, that there is always enough time in a day to do the things God wants you to do. That makes sense, and it challenges us to seek God a little harder for our daily to-do’s, especially when feeling frazzled. For the four or so new powerful truths I gleaned from this book, I also encountered the same number of dangerously enslaving thoughts. For example, the concept that family planning is the mother of abortion. This idea was backed up by quoting the psalmist, King David (you know - “the blessed man has a quiver full of kids” king). Think it through: King David not only had servants to help with his children, but he also had multiple wives. I doubt seriously that any one of his wives bore him a quiver full all by herself. There’s serious imbalance to DeMoss’s argument. Preventative birth control and advance family planning is not a sin the same as abortion is sin (murder). In final analysis I would remind prospective readers that “there is safety in a multitude of counselors” (Pr 24:6). DeMoss’s book is very valuable FOR GLEANING. Just don’t go at it willing to swallow every idea hook, line and sinker.

Chris (California) rated it 0 on 04/26/05.  I have dealt with many of the lies which DeMoss writes about in her book. But I have found freedom in the love that Jesus has for me and that I have come to know Him in a very intimate and personal way. I feel as if this book is condemning and although it states many lies that many of us believe about ourselves and God, her answer is to just read the Scriptures and all will be fine. There is not grace in her writing, no compassion which the Lord uses to heal the brokenhearted. If someone wants a book to help them to find Jesus and his grace (which counters all the lies and brings healing to the heart, not just head knowledge) they should do Beth Moore’s study “Breaking Free” and read any of Larry Crabb’s book, or “Waking the Dead” by John Eldridge. These books will lead you into the arms of the Lord, and He will heal the lies, with a combination of His love and His word. She uses a lot of scripture in her book to tell us we believe lies, but her book is condemning. I would never recommend it to anyone.

lor369 rated it ** on 05/23/05.  This book outlined the lies that many women get caught up in. I felt that there were some good things about this book. We do need to take responsibility for our actions, not remain a victim, and to realize that sin is sin and that God can forgive it all. Surprisingly, the submission chapter was done well, explaining the myths of submission and how a woman in an abusive situation should get out.
          But there were many things I didn’t like in this book. First, the author took a patronizing, critical, judging tone towards women. She seemed to like to blame women for a lot of problems, without recognizing the role that men often play in those problems. I was deeply offended about what she had to say about how “a career is more fulfilling than being a wife and mother”. I do agree with that statement. But she uses that statement to imply that the only place for the woman is in the home. She blames working women (”in part”) for affairs, women being on welfare (I thought working took women OFF welfare), elderly parent being in nursing homes, divorce, single motherhood, teen violence, etc. She doesn’t acknowledge other factors going into those things. I mean, men and women have had affairs since the beginning of time. Elderly parents are in nursing homes because they require 24/7 care, not because of the women working (don’t sons or SAHM’s put their parents in nursing homes?) I work outside the homes, yet, I do have meals with my family and they aren’t all fast food or frozen.
          As far as women gaining financial independence to free them to leave their husbands…I don’t know of many women who work for that purpose. But isn’t it OK for each woman to have her own money in cases of abuse, addiction, or when the man leaves them for someone else? What if the husband loses his job, becomes disabled, dies, etc? And the Proverbs 31 woman did a little of everything, including working out of the home. And yes, children are a blessing, but Demoss seems to think it is wrong to limit the number of children a woman has. She comes from a family of 7 kids, and that’s great that her mom enjoyed raising 7 kids, but that is not for everyone. The reasons that Demoss gives–not having patience, not being able to physically handle more kids–are perfectly legitimate reasons, that she appeared to mock. Other than the issue of abortion, the Bible doesn’t say that limiting the number of children is a sin, just like it is not a sin for women to work outside the home.
          And on emotions, she seems to act like it is a sin to call for pizza when you don’t feel like cooking (guess I sinned tonight, after my stressful day at work) or not cleaning house when you don’t feel like it. And about passive husbands…what if the husband is an alcoholic and can’t hold or look for a job? What is the wife to do? Let her and her children starve? Although there were some good points to the book, I had a problem with many of the issues presented. If anyone were to go through the book, please go through it with a group to work out the trouble spots.

Angie Castellaw (Heidelberg, Germany) rated it ***** on 06/09/05.  I was very skeptical of the book at first because, as a Bible believer, I believe much damage is done to the body of Christ by entirely secular pop psychology that is disguised as “Christian”. However, I was very pleasantly surprised. The book is thoroughly biblical - no pop psychology here at all. As to the reviewer who complains that the book is “condemning”: well, God does condemn us in our sinful state. However, as Nancy quotes: “Sin is the best news there is, the best news there could be in our predicament. Because with sin, there’s a way out. There’s the possibility of repentance. You can’t repent of confusion or psychological flaws inflicted by your parents - you’re stuck with them. But you can repent of sin. Sin and repentance are the only grounds for hope and joy.” (p. 105) And the reviewer who complains about her “patriarchal views”? Apparently unintimidated by modern women’s lib, Nancy writes: “At the core of fallen human nature (and I believe at the heart of feminist ideology) is a problem with authority. We simply don’t want anyone telling us what to do. We want to run our own lives and make our own decisions… I have discovered that the fundamental issue in relation to submission comes down to my willingness to trust God and to place myself under His authority.” (pg. 146, 149) I would highly recommend this book to anyone.

Abi (Arlington Heights, IL) rated it ** on 01/19/06.  This book was highly recommended by one of the children’s pastor’s at my church (a woman), so I went into reading it very excited about the study. (I have the companion study guide too.) I felt that Nancy had a lot of good points, and if you read the book with a discerning eye and heart you can get something good from it… but I found that she didn’t offer more than a few verses (sometimes only 1!) to back up her claims, and she was also very opinionated about a few topics that I don’t think are so clear in Scripture. She also gives a lot of “do’s” and “don’ts” which sometimes can be discouraging rather than encouraging. Overall, I did learn from her, but I felt it required too much filtering on my part. Some of the things she says come across pretty offensively if you do not give her the benefit of the doubt. Bottom Line: There are better, more encouraging books for Christian women out there!!!

Fruityspirit “Filled & Blessed Richly” (Colorado Springs, CO) rated it ***** on 04/19/06.  Some friends gave me this book after my husband announced that he was leaving our 17+ year marriage. It changed my life. I had been walking with the Lord for 12+ years but this book totally changed my perspective about my beliefs; my value as a person, mother, and wife; and my priorities. I credit this book as the “one” that pulled everything together from my previous bible studies and devotions, and gave me a sense of confidence and strong suit of armor to walk through the hell of divorce. I recommend this to ANYONE, married, single, old, or young. I did a study with this book with my two teen daughters and they are developing into very solidly grounded young ladies despite the divorce. Thank you Nancy for changing my life.

Iris B. Munoz (Rosharon, TX) rated it ***** on 06/20/06.  It is the best book that I’ve ever read. I shared with other women in Sunday School, I need one for Spanish speaking women of God.

Amy Ling rated it ***** on 12/05/06.  We don’t need to agree with this book entirely to find it worth reading. Do NOT hesitate to buy it just because other reviewers found the book disagreeable. That may be precisely the reason why we should read it — use it as a springboard for intelligent discussion! I found that many parts of the book were eye-opening and revelational, even if I personally remain undecided about some of DeMoss’s opinions. Many intelligent women may find themselves offended by DeMoss’s conservative viewpoints, especially with regard to her stance against the use of birth control. As a single, professional woman, I, too, was at first taken aback by her statement that the highest calling for women was to be a wife and mother. However, DeMoss herself is a single woman and has no children of her own. If you read carefully, she later clarifies that it is the highest calling IF it is God’s calling for your particular life, obviously. The apostle Paul said that his own personal view was that it was better to be single in order to be fully devoted to God. This book helps uncover how everyone, including men, are subtly deceived by today’s modern society. She inspects today’s popular beliefs held by most American women and clearly shows how it deviates from the simple, undeniable truth as written in God’s Word. A must-read! Great for small groups.

Kelly Bledsoe (Birmingham, AL) rated it ***** on 02/12/07.  This book absolutely changed my life!!! I read it for the first time last summer and could not put it down. I was amazed at how many of Satan’s lies and half-truths I really believed. I am the Women’s Ministry director at my church, and all of our small groups are using this book and workbook for our small group curriculum. I have received such positive feedback. Many ladies have come to me and said that they wished they could’ve read this book ten years ago!!! God has really used this book as a great ministry tool. I highly recommend it!!!

Brittany (Nebraska) rated it 0 on 04/02/07.  As a Christian woman who seeks to live a godly life, I found this book to be uninspiring and counterproductive. It misrepresents women’s scriptural role and denigrates their natural and God-given gifts. Rather than telling women to live “with yearnings,” this book should teach women how to fulfill those yearnings in Jesus Christ, in partnership with the men in their lives. God has given women an important role to play as mothers, disciples, and compassionate people of God. As St. Paul tells us, in Christ there is no black or white, no male or female. We are all sinners, and we are all children of God. To distort the Word of God to rebuke women is to misplace our efforts and take away focus from the tasks God has commanded us to do: to go out and make disciples of all nations, to love the Lord our God, and our neighbor as ourselves.

Lesley rated it *** on 05/23/07.  This is a book I read for a Bible study group last fall. Although I didn’t really put the full amount of effort into it that I probably should have, I still got a lot out of it. Beware: the author is extremely conservative, so some of her opinions you just have to brush aside, especially when she tries to present them as facts.

JR Corry “Jenny” (Fl) rated it ** on 05/27/07.  As you may have guessed, there are both lies and truths in this book. However, they don’t all come from the source that you might have thought. I’m afraid Demoss herself gives voice to certain lies that devoted Christian women, namely wives, have in regards to their husbands and how they should behave. Mixed with this are other more general views towards women as a whole, many of which Demoss is correct about.
          First, the good stuff. While Demoss’s view can definetly be defined as complimentarian, she is not one of those to encourage practical worship of the husband, as some over-the-top Christians are wont to do. In fact, two powerful truths that she mentions are vitally important for wives to understand. Firstly, she comes right out and says that the husband is NOT always right. Secondly, she warns wives that they are not always to submit if the husband tells them incorrectly. If hubby chooses to act sinfully, Demoss advises the wife stand away and let him take responsibility for his actions. Wise and very important advice to any woman who’s been misled as to the wife’s role, and Demoss is to be praised for it. 
          Unfortunately, not all advice for wives in this book was smart, or even safe. While Demoss admits that the husband cannot always be listened to, her overall view seems to be to cleave to the husband, at least in legal marriage, no matter what. In order to better illustrate her mis-points, I think I will adapt her method of first mentioning the lie or misconception and then explaining the faults. Here, then, are Demoss’s points of advice which misfire:
          (1) Lie: If a woman rejects her husband’s authority, she is rejecting his spiritual covering. Our only spiritual covering is Christ; no man can cover us from sin nor should he attempt to do so.
          (2) Lie A: If a woman must remove herself and/or her children from a dangerous situation (i.e., her husband), she should still hold reverence for her husband’s position. Firstly, if a husband abuses his wife, he forfeits his title as husband. Secondly, if a woman flees a dangerous husband, she should remain away from him in body and soul! If she reveres him, she is still completely attached emotionally and a woman attached thus will most likely return to the dangerous man. With an abusive husband, a complete break must be made, physical and otherwise. Rule of nature: avoid the fire and you won’t get burned.
          Lie B: After fleeing a dangerous husband, if a woman worsens the situation by her words or behavior, she can no longer claim God’s protection. To a psychologically beaten woman, this is code for, “stick with your bad husband or God will smite you!” Abused women don’t need this awful guilt trip.
          Lie C: A woman should wait for her abusive husband to be restored to God’s authority. Once a man gives up his honorable title as husband, he’s on his own and should no longer expect the wife’s support. Nine times out of ten, a dangerous man will not change, at least not as long as the wife waits around dependent on this hope. If your husband promises counseling, let him get it AWAY from you! Until he’s 100% cured (which may never happen), you’re still in the danger zone.
          (3) Lie: Every divorce is Satan’s attempt to overthrow God’s plan. I hope all the divorcees out there enjoyed that little dig. Divorce is a shame, but sometimes it’s because the marriage should never have taken place. Like it or not, some marriages are harmful and in those cases, Satan would most likely be telling you to stay in it! Satan knows God’s Word and he has used God’s hatred of divorce to manipulate Christian women and men into staying in harmful marriages, with of course the imminent (and false) threat that God will smite them if they don’t.
          If you insist on reading this book, I would advise it for single women rather than married. Perhaps it’s because Demoss isn’t married (though to be fair, many married women have made the same blunders as she has in their advice), but her strength definitely lies in her advice to single women. Her words of true beauty and how Godly faith in yourself is better than worldly self-esteem are especially helpful. Like so many guidebooks, take with a grain of salt if you take it at all.

Lana (Nebraska) rated it * on 06/15/07.  After reading this book I would not recommend it to anyone. As a biblical teacher, I find the scripture verses she refers to are taken out of context. It should be entitled Lies Nancy Believes and teaches. For example, she writes, “After all, it is the culture of working moms that has given rise to an increased divorce rate, more single moms, more affairs, more women on welfare, more teen violence…” The number one reason for divorce is financial stress, not the working mom! Her advice to women whose husband will not get a job, is ‘Do NOT go to work yourself, but allow him to get hungry, then he will probably work.” If the wife feels that she must take charge of the finances because he is irresponsible with money, she advises to “let him go bankrupt.” “You must be willing to let him fail, because your security is not in your husband, but in God.”
          Another outrageous comment that she makes is that because Adam was created first, God gave him the responsibility to lead and feed. But according to Genesis 1:27-28 God blessed THEM and said to THEM, Be fruitful, fill the earth, and subdue it. Rule over the fish, the birds and over every living creature. “The woman,” she writes, “was made to be the receiver, to respond to the initiative of her husband.” The scripture does not say this. She also makes some dangerous suggestions pertaining to woman in abusive relationships. “It’s possible,” she writes, “for a righteous, submissive person to suffer persecution, which may come in the form of abuse. If she provokes him, she will interfere with what God wants to do in her husband’s life and will not be free to claim God’s protection and intervention on her behalf.” Wow! What a warped way to READ INTO scripture. She does offer some help, “to go to spiritual leaders of her church.” How about a women’s shelter? Realistically speaking what protection can the church leaders provide? This book condemns women and it does not offer grace, like Jesus did to his daughters.

Zena rated it *** on 07/15/07.  cheesiest title. life changing book.  really. this book consistently has challenged me. it made me look at some of the ways i view my husband and showed me the flaws in my thinking.  obviously there’s lots of churchiness about it and some gag moments…also some hard line stuff about procreation, but all in all, worth it.

Mandy rated it ***** on 07/29/07 11:33AM.  ahhh! I just don’t know how you can feel that way LOL. This is my favorite book like ever. I love this book so much because of the “slap-in-the-face” approach that it takes. I love Demoss because she knows the truth and wants to share it with other women. I don’t think she preaches. I think she just shares what she believes scripture teaches. I am leading this study in my church right now and I am seeing it changing lives. There has been some “discussion” over certain parts and that is fine. Noone can agree with everything that an author has to say.

Julie (Alabama) rated it 0 on 10/22/07.  There are too many dangerous suggestions in this book for me to recommend it to anyone. First of all, DeMoss isn’t married nor does she have children. It takes a very secure person to make the statements she does about marriage and childbearing/rearing. Most of her suggestions are based on her own childhood - which was apparently perfect. She goes so far as to compare her mother to Mary the mother of Jesus!
          One of the biggest problems I have with her book is that she uses scripture out of context frequently. As on example, she uses Genesis 3:6 (Eve giving the fruit to Adam) to explain what happens when women take the reins over passive men. First off, there wasn’t anything for Adam to be passive about for Eve to overstep him. This text isn’t about a passive man. It is about human nature to want to override God and be his equal. Points I take issue with:
          (1) women who work outside the home are the reason for all the troubles in the world today - troubled teens, affairs, childhood obesity, etc. One of her points is that the demoralization of our society is directly linked to women in the workforce, that all problems that teens have today is because women are working outside the home. Also, she says that it makes it easy for women to leave their husbands when they work outside the home. The women that I know that work outside the home don’t do it out of a sense of self preservation but in a sense of teamwork - that they are working (with their husbands) to support their family. 
         (2) women who work are emasculating men and not depending on God to provide. “You think you have to get a job because your husband won’t work? If he gets hungry he will probably work. You think you have to take over the finances or he will go into financial ruin? Maybe a bancruptcy is what he needs for God to change his character.” She also says that women who work make money so that it is easier for them to leave their husbands. No working woman I know does so that she can one day leave her husband.
          (3) Birth control is next to abortion. While she calls it “family planning” and never actually uses the words birth control, it is right there. She also says that for a couple to “decide” when to have a child reduces children to “our creations” and not God’s. She asserts that married women are called to be mothers and God will provide all you need for whatever children you have. The excuses she gives for people not having children are extremely relevant and not excuses at all. She does say that not every woman is called to be married and to have children, but she forgets that not all married women are called to have children either. She seems to think that because childbearing is a natural thing for a woman to do, that every married woman should have children (and lots of them).
          (4) She preaches against divorce at all costs. Even if you must remove yourself and your children from your husband for saftey reasons, you should remain emotionally attached to him. This goes against all domestic violence research and statistics. This basically tells a woman that she should return to an abusive relationship. She goes on to contend that being in an abusive situation may come because the woman has provoked it. 
          (5) Depression should be treated by the church alone. She basically brushed over years of medical research. She nearly coaches women to not seek “professional” help when they experience symptoms of depression. She does say that medications and “professionals” (her quotation marks - as if the professionals haven’t earned their place) do serve a small purpose. But, that depression cannot be treated right outside the church. As a witness to depression in others, I cannot agree with that. I do believe that depression should heavily prayed through, but the so called “professionals” do have insights that a layperson - even clergy - does not have. I don’t advocate medication for every single problem, but there are some things that call for it. 
          I cannot recommend this book. It is just too black and white on some issues. DeMoss uses Scripture out of context and hurts her arguments that much more. If you must read this book, do so for the sake of provoking conversation. It is at least that.

Meg (Boston, MA) rated it 1.5 on 10/24/07.  There are lessons to be learned about submission, reliance on God and your spouse, but this book is filled with dangerous ideas that outweigh the good. For example, the author suggests that depression is basically “all in your head” and you should overcome it with God’s help, not with the help of medical professionals. If I had followed her advice, I would be dead right now. Depression can be a serious, physical bodily issue, and I think it is wrong to say that God can not work through a caring counselor or the right medication. Would you tell someone with diabetes or a serious infection to refuse medical treatment because God can heal them? I doubt it. Of course he can heal them, but healing often comes through the vehicle of medical care. In a similar vein, this book says that women should not work if they have a husband who refuses to. “If he gets hungry he will probably work”. If the woman with a lazy husband has children, should she let them go hungry too? For how long? I would hope that for most mothers caring for their children would trump ‘training’ their husband. The same principle goes for the advice to remain with and submit to an abusive husband. How much does he have to hurt your children to justify going to the police as well as God?

Kim rated it ***** on 11/07/07.  this is one book that I will always go back to for a right and true perspective on God and His ways for me. Nancy’s insight gives genuine hope for all of us women who need perspective that is true and holy… some of it is not easy to hear but often what is best.

Kara rated it **** on 11/20/07.  Really great except for the chapter that says women have no purpose in life if they don’t get married and give birth to children. And from a single woman author. Hmmmmm. But yeah, other than that….some really, really good stuff. The group i did it with had excellent discussion off of it.

Annon rated it ** on 11/27/07.  I agree with a lot of the reviews here. There are things in this book that are too far over the top for me! One problem I had with the book was DeMoss’ stretching the Scriptures. One I found shocking was her using Eve’s attraction to the apple as a sign of food obsession! Another was watching the DVD that goes with this.  DeMoss read Gen 3:16 and either added “You will desire control over your husband” or her “Bible” says this! This is NOT the scripture! It says that you will desire your husband…..not desire to rule over him. If you are reading this book, be aware that DeMoss misuses scripture to twist them to meet some of HER OWN thoughts and theories! I do agree with another title here that says don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. If you can get past some of her own stuff she puts in the book, there are some things to be learned.

Sheila rated it *** on 12/29/07.  Read for my Ladies Bible Study. Although I (and the group) didn’t agree with everything she said we were able to concentrate on the Biblical truths she presented. Our leader is a wonderful woman who made up her own lessons using this book as a guide and Bible passages. My husband and I were a little concerned at first that the author wasn’t married but in the end I don’t think it really mattered. If you are looking for a good book I would suggest “Calm My Anxious Heart” by Linda Dil

Kim rated it * on 02/23/08.  I know women who love this book. I just couldn’t get through it. It didn’t seem like a loving book, rather quite condemning, opinionated and legalistic. I may check it out again from the library since it’s been a couple of years and a few women have brought it up in conversation recently.

Olivia rated it * on 03/27/08.  I read this book for a Bible study once and absolutely hated it. This woman is not married and doesn’t have kids, but she has plenty of opinions about both. While they are supposedly Biblically based, I have to question her interpretation of the Bible in these regards. She sets some pretty unrealistic expectations of people (women especially), and says some even damaging things. Our group didn’t even finish the book.