Marriage was designed by God to reflect His glory and His redemptive purposes.  In undermining that sacred institution, Satan struck a forceful blow at God’s eternal plan.  She believed and acted on the lie then turned to her husband and drew him into sin with her.  The implications in their marriage were profound.  The oneness Eve and her husband had experienced in their original state now turned to enmity and animosity–not only toward God, but toward each other.  Instead of providing loving leadership for his wife, the man was now prone to extremes ranging from domineering control to passive detachment.  The protection the woman had been granted under her spiritual “head” was removed, and the independent spirit she had exerted toward God now displayed itself toward her husband, leaving her vulnerable to greater deception:

21. ”I have to have a husband to be happy.”

Like many lies, this is a subtle distortion.  The Truth is that marriage is good and right, that it is God’s plan for most, and that there can (and ought to) be great joy and blessing in the context of a God-centered marriage.  Satan twists this by suggesting that the purpose of marriage is personal happiness and fulfillment.  Once married, many women start to believe a variation of this lie: “My husband is supposed to make me happy.”  They will most certainly be disappointed.  The Truth is that the ultimate purpose of marriage is not to make us happy but to glorify God.  Women who believe they have to have a husband in order to be happy often settle for less than the best that God intended to give them (Psalm 106:15). 

The Truth is that happiness is not found in (or out of) marriage; it is not found in any human relationship.  True joy can only be found through Christ.  God has promised to give us everything we need, and when a husband would make it possible for us to bring greater glory to Him, then He will provide a husband.  Contentment is not having everything we want but in choosing to be satisfied with what God has already provided.  Those who wait on the Lord always get His best.

22.  “It is my responsibility to change my mate.”

Most of us as women are born “fixers.”  This lie takes the focus off a wife’s own needs and her own walk with the Lord–which she can do something about.  Further, it places her focus on someone else’s failures and needs–which she may be able to do very little, if anything, about.  When a wife is preoccupied with trying to correct her husband’s faults and flaws, she is taking responsibility God never intended her to have, and she will most likely end up resentful.  Many Christian wives do not realize that they have two powerful “weapons”: a godly life (I Peter 3:1-4) and prayer.  It’s a lot harder to resist God than to resist a nagging wife!

I love the example of Mary, the mother of Jesus.  Reason led Joseph to conclude that she had been unfaithful to him.  There is no indication that Mary pressured Joseph to believe what she knew God had told her.  Rather, she waited on God and gave Him the opportunity to communicate directly to her husband.  Once the angel appeared to Joseph, he was quick to respond and believe (Luke 2:19).

A woman I had not seen for nearly seventeen years came up to me at a wedding recently and shared, “You told me, ‘It’s not your responsibility to change your husband; that’s God’s responsibility.  Tell your husband what is on your heart and then back off and let God do the rest.’”  She went on to tell me what it had meant for her to wait on the Lord to change her husband.  For sixteen long years, she had prayed and waited, without seeing any evidence that God was hearing or answering her prayers.  Though her husband professed to be a Christian, based on the lack of any spiritual hunger or fruit in his life she questioned whether or not he had a relationship with the Lord at all.  Then, “unexplainably,” after all those years, the Spirit turned on the light and brought about a dramatic change in her husband.  It was as though he had come out of a coma.  All of a sudden, he couldn’t get enough of the Word; he started keeping a notepad with him to record the things God was saying to him through the Word.  Before, she could hardly get him out of bed for breakfast.  Now, he’s going to a men’s prayer meeting at six-thirty every morning!  Recently, he has even talked about the possibility of selling his business so they can spend more time in some form of ministry.

23.  “My husband is supposed to serve me.”

The Truth is that God did not make the man to be a “helper” to the woman but the woman to be a “helper” to the man.  Of course, this does not mean that men are not to serve their wives and children, for men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church.  But if we as women focus on what we “deserve,” on our “rights,” or on what men “ought” to do for us, we will become vulnerable to hurt and resentment when our expectations are not fulfilled.  We are never more like Jesus than when we are serving Him or others.

One of the things that strikes me most about the “virtuous woman” of Proverbs 31 is the fact that she is so utterly selfless.  On first reading fo this passage, one might be tempted to agree that homemakers are an oppressed breed.  But take a fresh look at this woman:

• She is well-dressed (v. 22)
• She and her family have food to eat and enough to share with others (vv. 15,20)
• She lives a well-ordered life; she is emotionally stable and free from fear about the future (vv. 21,25)
• Her husband is crazy about her–he is faithful to her, he feels she is “one in a million” and tells her so, and he brags about her to his friends (vv. 11, 28-29, 31)
• Her children honor and praise her (v. 28)

24.  “If I submit to my husband, I’ll be miserable.”

A wife is to submit herself graciously to the servant leadership of her husband even as the church willingly submits to the headship of Christ.  Satan convinced Eve that if she submitted to God’s direction, she would be miserable and would miss out on something in life.  The Deceiver has doen a masterful job of convincing women that submission is a narrow, negative, and confining concept.  He knows that if we could see the Truth about biblical submission–one of the most liberating principles in all of God’s Word–we would joyfully embrace it. 

Lies about Submission:

1. “The wife is inferior to her husband.”  Both the man and the woman are created in the image of God and privileged to be subjects of His redeeming grace (Genesis 1:27; Galatians 3:28; 1 Peter 3:7).  The responsibility of a wife to submit to her husband’s authority does not make her any less valuable or significant than her husband.
2. “As head of his wife, the husband is permitted to be harsh or dictatorial with his wife.”  Husbands are commanded to love their wives as they love themselves (Ephesians 5:25-29).
3. “The wife is not to provide input or express her opinions to her husband.”  God made the woman to be a “helper suitable” to her husband.  That means he needs her help, her input and insight.  It also means that once a wife has graciously and humbly expressed her heart on a matter, if her husband chooses to act contrary to her counsel, she must be willing to back off and trust God with the consequences of her husband’s decision.
4. “The husband is always right.”  The apostle Peter specifically addresses women whose husbands “do not believe the word.”  The husband must be unsaved, or he may be obedient to God in some area(s) of his life.  The number one means of influencing such a husband is not through persistent reminders but rather through through the power of submission (1 Peter 3:1).

When you tell your two-year-old child he may not walk across the busy street outside your house by himself, you are not being tyrannical.  You are using your authority to protect your child (though he may be oblivious to his need for protection).  This is not to suggest that if a wife stays under authority, she will automatically be protected from suffering or abuse; nor does itmean that abuse is necessarily the result of a woman being out from under rightful authority.  According to the Scripture, it is possible for a righteous, submissive person to suffer persecution, which may  come in the form of abuse (I Peter).

There are some extreme situations where an obedient wife may need to remove herself and/or her children from proximity to her husband, if to remain in that setting would be to place themselves in physical danger.  However, even in such a case, a woman can–and must–maintain an attitude of reverence for her husband but, ultimately, to see God restore him to obedience.  If she provokes or worsens the situation through her attitudes, words, or behavior, she will interfere with what God wants to do in her husband’s life and will not be free to claim God’s protection and intervention on her behalf.  When I am willing to obey Him, to trust God and to place myself under His authority, I find it is not nearly so difficult or threatening to submit to the human authorities He has placed in my life (Proverbs 21:1).

The question is, do we really believe God is bigger than any human authority?  Do we believe He is big enough to change that authority’s heart if necessary?  Do we believe He is big enough to protect usif we take our rightful place under authority?  The Turth, as we have seen in 1 Peter 3:1-2, is that a wife’s submission to her husband makes room for God to work in his heart and bring him to obedience.  A wife’s submission to her husband, regardless of his spiritual condition, actually releases her from fear because she has entrusted herself to God, who has ultimate control of her husband and her situation.  In her rich book The True Woman, Susan Hunt sums up the heart behind submission:

I cannot give logical arguments for submission.  It defies logic that Jesus would release all the glories of heaven so He could give us the glory of heaven.  Submission is not about logic; it is about love.  Jesus loved us so much that He voluntarily submitted to death on a cross.  His command is that wives are to submit to their husbands.  It is a gift that we voluntarily give to the man we have vowed to love in obedience to the Savior we love….

God said that man needs a helper.  The true woman celebrates this calling and becomes affirming rather than adversarial, compassionate rather than controlling, a partner rather than a protagonist.  She becomes substantively rather than superficially submissive.  The true woman is not afraid to place herself in a position of submission.  She does not have to grasp; she does not have to control.  Her fear dissolves in the light of God’s covenant promise to be her God and to live within her.  Submission is simply a demonstration of her confidence in the sovereign power of the Lord God.  Submission is a reflection of her redeption.

25.  “‘If my husband is passive, I’ve got to take the initiative, or nothing will get done.”

This lie ranked number three.  Again, it all goes back to the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:6).  Notice Satan’s strategy to subvert God’s authority structure by going directly to the woman.  She does not acknowledge her husband, who is standing by her side.  She does not say to the Serpent, “I’d like for you to meet my husband” or turn to her husband and ask, “Adam, why don’t you tell him what God said to you.”  She carries on the entire conversation with the Serpent as if her husband were not there.  Further, when it comes time to make a choice, she takes matters into her own hands.  She does not consult with her husband on the matter; she does not ask his input or direction, she simply acts.   And Adam does nothing–he doesn’t interfere, he doesn’t get involved–except to eat some fruit himself when his wife gives it to him.  All of a sudden, we have the first role reversal.  God created the man first and gave him the responsibility to lead and feed those under his care.  The woman, created from the man, was made to be a receiver, to respond to the initiative of her husband.  Even the physiological differences between men and women express this fundamental difference.  Ever since that fateful day in Eden, the natural drive of the woman has been to control her husband, to rule over him, and to act independently of him.  Our natural tendency is to take the reins, to take the initiative ourselves; ironically, however, because of the way God created us, we also long to be responders; we long for our men to take action.

Over the years, women have insisted to me that their husbands’ passivity has “forced” them to take over:

• “My husband won’t work.  If I didn’t go out and get a job, we would starve to death!”
• “If I let my husband take the lead in financial matters, he would drive us into bankruptcy.”
• “He just won’t get involved in the children’s lives.  If I didn’t discipline them and make them do right, they would be out of control.”

Being something of an activist myself, I know what it is to be frustrated by apparent passivity on the part of some men.  I have sat in numerous meetings over the years–with godly men present–biting my tongue to keep from jumping in when I did not feel the men were being decisive enough.  But I can’t help but wonder to what extent we women have demotivated and emasculated the men around us by our quickness to take the reins.  We can so easily strip men of the motivation to rise to the challenge and provide the necessary leadership.  To make matters worse, when they do take action, the women they look to for encouragement and affirmation correct them or tell them how they could have done it better.  The fact is, in most cases, if the woman is going to take charge, the man is going to stand by and let him, as pointed out by Elizabeth Rice Handford:

Most men hate “scenes.”  They despise confusion and disorder.  They will go to almost any length to have peace in their homes.  They will let a woman have her way rather than argue and quarrel.  But the price a man has to pay is the price of his manhood.  Before you complain that your husband won’t take the leadership of your home, search your heart carefully.  Do you really rely on his judgment?  Are you willing to commit yourself to his decisions?  If not, don’t complain that he will not lead.  For the sake of peace, he may not fight for his authority.

You think you have to work because he won’t get a job?  If he gets hungry, he will probably work!  You feel you have to take charge of the finances because he is irresponsible with money?  He may go bankrupt.  But that may be exactly what it takes for God to get his attention and change his character.  You must be willing to let him fail–believing that ultimately, your security is not in your husband but in a sovereign God.

Sarah is lifted up in the Bible as an example of a woman who reverenced and obeyed her husband.  However, on at least one occasion, when God did not act as quickly as she felt He should, she fell into the traip of trying to handle matters on her own.  She put pressure on her husband to take action and resorted to a common practice of the day (Genesis 16:1-2).  But it didn’t take long for the situation to turn sour, leading Sarah to go back to Abraham and blame him (Genesis 16:5).  We can do the same, but we usually end up even resenting those we feel pushed us into taking action.  We must learn to wait on the Lord (Psalm 27:14).

26.  “Sometimes divorce is a better option than staying in a bad marriage.”

The Enemy often leads us to believe that there is not “right” way to deal with a seemingly hopeless situation.  The fact is, marriage is hard, and good marriages are even harder.  Every married couple is “incompatible”–if for no othe reason than that men and women are vastly different, not to speak of the fact that every marriage involves two people who are naturally selfish.  So your brand-new husband forgets the two-year anniversay of the day you first met.  To nurse the offense, rather than choosing to forgive and release it, is to become vulnerable to deception that grows.  The wife has convinced herself that her husband is totally (or mostly) at fault.  She is blind to her own faults, equally in need of God’s grace.  Further, her life revolves around herself–her happiness and her hurts.  She does not have a vision for how God could use her as an instrument of grace in her husband’s life–or she is unwilling to pay the price to be that instrument.  The Truth is…

• There is no marriage God cannot heal.  There is no person God cannot change.
• The primary purpose of marraige is to glorify God and reflect His redeeming, covenant love.
• True love is unconditional.  Love is not a feeling; it is a commitment.  By God’s grace, we can choose to love anyone.
• Marriage is a covenant, and God is a covenant-keeping Go (Jeremiah 11:10, Ezekiel 20:16, Hosea 2:13).  The Lord Jesus keeps His promises to His bride–the church–even when we are unfaithful.
• Your faithfulness and willingness to extend sacrificial love to your mate may be the means of his spiritual healing, even as Christ’s suffering was the means by which we were healed (1 Peter 2:24-25, 1 Corinthians 7:12-14).

AFFIRM the Truth:  Mark 10:6-9; Proverbs 31:10-12; Ephesians 5:22-24, 32-33; 1 Peter 3:1-6