Category Archive

I’ve been trying to incorporate more exercise into my daily routine in order to better focus on studying (and combat depression and be healthier overall).  I asked Lisa Leu (she lives about five minutes away) to run with me at the Dulles track (so as to prevent knee erosion) and today was our first time.  We met at Mamie George Branch Library so I could show her where to go.  When we arrived, there were a lot of African-American people (and some other ethnicities).  It appeared they were there for a race.  I wanted to turn back (can I blame social phobia?), but Lisa asked one of the men if we could use the track.  He was a jokester and teased us saying we could run many kilmeters.  Apparently they had just finished a race.  We walk a lap to warm up (and wait until everyone left) before stretching and starting our first lap jogging.  Nearing the end, Lisa asked to stop, but I said we could at least finish one lap.  Then we started walking.  And talking.  She is on HCC BASIC’s steering committee this year (along with Andrew, James, Jesslyn, and Robert).  A large part of our conversation turned to community and inclusivity.  I ask her about her past (she left Taiwan at the age of 12 to Virginia, then California, then Dallas, then Houston).  I ask her her testimony (she’s one of those “always believed” kind of gals), and she asked me mine.  She offered to pray for me regarding studying, taking, and passing my NBCOT exam.  

Oh yeah, and she’s also one of those gals who tend to be very..”girly” she describes herself, and…hopeful, trusting, steadfast in her faith.  In other words, very different from someone like me who more readily identifies with “Doubting” Thomas.  Not that it’s a bad thing of any of us, as long as by the end we all proclaim, “My Lord and my God!” (John 20:28).  She basically attributes anything to God, and after a few “explanations” to her I found myself saying “It was all God’s doing” and related statements.  I felt kind of funny about it because I’m not used to that (and was I also trying to “keep up” with her?), but also I think because a part of me really likes to suck the awe out of many phenomena.  Positively, to point out all the facts and then view it with a better understanding, for me it’s even more amazing on God’s part!

One of the things we talked about last last week was our experience(s) in dating.  Amidst the discussion, I was asked why I’ve only had one romantic relationship though I reported feeling comfortable around guys.  Up until maybe a few months ago, I’ve only been asked by guys who don’t believe in God (yes, my options are becoming better, just need to hold out a little longer, eh? lol).  Nonetheless, I think perhaps that is due to me being around hanging out with so many guys.  And deeper still, I’ve come to realize that I may be pretty closed off, not to guys (because I love guys) but to feelings in general:

friend:  i like the romanticism
me:  i’m turning around to it
friend:  you dont like it?
me: kinda cynical, i guess?
  or
  the other night we had dinner
  and i think “feelings” are very foreign to me
friend:  hm why do you think
  or… i mean, well youve dated before
  did you not have feelings then?
me: but then, i was all depressed
  so when ___ came along, i basically decided to throw myself into it
  regardless of the consequences
friend:  so whys it so foreign to think that you could feel the same way for another person
  you would rather not try at all than to try and risk getting heartbroken?
me: well, i wasn’t conciously doing it back then
  like, “amy, build wall so i won’t get heartbroken”
  but right now, i realize i really didn’t give “feelings” a fair chance in anything
friend:  lol
  well…feelings are fleeting
me: probably a big part of how i ended up becoming depressed
  yes, they are, but they have their rightful place
  and i wasn’t giving them the credit due them

This not only includes limerance but also anger, anxiety, sadness, disappointment, even happiness, amusement, you name it!  So much so that I don’t know how to handle them at all; I deny that I feel them.  Only recently have I accepted the challenge to process and put them into words.  You know how it is with the immigrant Asian parents (most of them that I know).  You try to ask them about their past, or how they’re feeling, and it’s like I’m talking alien.  So having copied that, and adding a good dose of my own tendencies, I’ve gone too far on the end of the spectrum.  Counseling was fail, so I took things into my own hands and am slowly figuring things out:  “As stress increases, ‘learned behavior’ tends to give way to the natural style, so the ISTP will behave more according to type when under greater stress, such as withdrawing from people, sorting out detailed points that could perhaps wait, and ignoring their feelings.  Under extreme stress, the ISTP’s shadow may appear, a negative form of ENFJ.  Example characteristics include displaying intense feelings towards others, insisting on things being done without any logical basis, being very sensitive to criticism, having a gloomy view of the future, and attributing unrealistic negative meaning to others’ actions or statements.” 

When I flew to New Jersey without telling anybody to see my first..boyfriend (haha, what a weird label), I was at one of my lowest points in my life.  After I confessed to my parents and friends, I still felt “not right.”  The entire time I tried to convince myself out of doing it, even with my fellow spiritual brothers and sisters’ help, but the truth that it didn’t work is because part of me would do it all over again, and that scares me.  Being so vulnerable at the time (and foolish, headstrong, and impulsive), let’s just say that if he wanted to have sex, he would’ve gotten in.  And oh my, the shame I would have to deal with!  I thank God every day that He didn’t let me put myself in the hands of someone who didn’t care about me, someone who could’ve taken full advantage of me.  I was pretty reckless, so I knew I’d be caught eventually, even though I think I felt bad for being caught (reputation?) and not for doing what I did (grieving God, my family, and my friends). 

I brought up my concern with my brother, who said, out of experience, that the remorse will come in due time.  I’m not sure what I was looking for, but I sure don’t look forward to that time, because who wants to feel guilty?  Even if it is godly (2 Corinthians 7:8-10), not many people I know wants to go through the fire to the purified part (Malachi 3:2-3).  But the part that wants to do it all over again is getting smaller and smaller.  And yes, my knowledge that I will reap the consequences of those actions in my marriage is growing because I did indeed “arouse or awaken love [before] it so desires” (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4).  Right now, I’m so glad that the way God let me fall forced me to be open with my close family and friends (interesting that some who are depressed only tell their families, and others only tell their friends) so I won’t have to go through trying to tiptoe around them until I break (again).  I hope I’ve learned the lesson well this time around so that there won’t be some even more drastic fall in the future for me!

Some of the wise will stumble, so that they may be refined, purified and made spotless until the time of the end, for it will still come at the appointed time.

Not the television series season finale tonight.  That’s just how I describe how I’ve been feeling for quite some time.  And that’s what I’ve been telling people.  Like I wrote in an email three weeks ago when asked for a prayer request:  “On a personal note, I still feel lost, but it’s not this big suffocating weight and desperation, and I don’t really think it’s a bad thing either.  Still, I think what was said at Bible study was right on target, I really don’t even know what to specify except that I really haven’t touched that Bible in forever.  I used to read it every day.  So that is a step.  But just everything is on my mind really, like counseling and church and career and stuff….”  Before, it was this feeling of desolation that would be the catalyst of a stampede of thoughts that no one cares (e.g. second-guessing my friends and family, perceiving past gatherings from under the shadow of a dark cloak).  Just as Phoebe knows her fear of the stage is irrational, I know these thoughts are irrational, but it still doesn’t much help with untangling that knot during the deer-in-headlights moment.  Depression is irrational!  Or is it?  I remember Hannah made a comment after watching Lifting the Veil, saying she somewhat believes that some who have depression are more in tune with reality than us “normal” people because we “ignore” the atrocities and stick with an “illusion” of rosiness in order to not go “crazy.”

“Keep Breathing”
by Ingrid Michaelson

The storm is coming but I don’t mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that i know is I’m breathing now.

I want to change the world…instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I’m breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that I know is I’m breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

Anyway, I guess this is as good a time as any to at least sort a smidgen in my mind/heart/spirit:

COMMUNITY
Genesis 35:11

Last Thursday I drove my parents to Austin to pay a last visit before my brother left for one week (to visit his former roommate), to give him his luggage (so he can pack), and to clean out his fridge (because he can leave food on the stove and not ever eat or clean it out).  My brother and I are very close.  We grew up with the same parents and familial history, in the same household, went to the same school for awhile, even were in the exact class and period for a class or two in high school (personal tutor, baby!).  We initially hung out with the majority of the same acquaintances (and lack thereof) and shared in the same struggles regarding church and friends and connectedness that we still discuss to this day, many times while in his room chatting up to the wee hours of the night/morn and our parents would come and say time to go to bed!  We are considerably different when you meet us, no doubt, as I am more like our mother and he is more like our father.  And in fact since high school we have led very different lives and rarely hang out or even talk with the same people, friends, or each other.  Nonetheless, during those occasional phone calls, I would say that I still feel close and  would still reveal much embarrassing/humbling/shameful things to him.

By the way, he had moved into a new apartment (from the urgings of his currently ex-girlfriend) and bought some furniture.  Where did they come from?  The famous Craigslist.  I have never been to the site, but many many people have made references to it.  From my understanding, it’s a virtual (that sometimes eventually leads to a physical) place where people can sell and exchange practically anything, from sofas and endtables to jobs, pets, and discussions.  It reminds me of Facebook and Myspace, two sites which Jennifer Garcia is part of and asked me if I was as well (I’m not, and actually most people in FBCC don’t have Facebook).  I’m not part of Craigslist, either, but is it something to BE a part of?  But those in Facebook and Myspace are still part of that network since they are still signed up in it, right?  Am I still part of Xanga if I decide I won’t write in it anymore (no activity), even if I have two blogs hosted on it?  You used to need an account to leave a comment, but now you don’t.  Do those who have never signed up part of Xanga if they leave a million comments on others’ Xanga blogs?  What does it mean to be part of a community?  What does it mean to be part of a church, and to be part of His Church?

FELLOWSHIP
Acts 2:42-47

I have been faithfully attending church services on Sundays since childhood.  But this past January, since I’ve always hated it (since middle school and El Paso, and even in Austin), I made a conscious decision to just stop going.  I made no effort to wake up earlier than usual, and even if I did, I didn’t even consider the possibility of perhaps attending.  Not until I figure out which church to attend regularly (do I want to stick with FBCC with its new chapter?), why I feel the way I do about it (is it the environment, the specific social situation?), and my reasons for going.  Three Sundays ago, I told Tiffany that though I haven’t really been communing with God lately, and though I have never ever exactly lauded FBCC, I have come to the conclusion to return to FBCC.  Now I have to dissect what that entails.

Regardless of its vagueness, it was a difficult decision.  Vickie is in San Antonio, so that’s why she says she continues to attend WHCC (her default).  However, she says that when she returns to a more permanent stay in Houston, she’ll move to Access, which is where Phoebe and Linton are fellowshiping now.  Access is starting out as a small but highly committed group.  When it grows in size, how will it look like?  Are people still going to connect?  To start off last fall, Pastor Ted asked his congregants to read The Celtic Way of Evangelism: How Christianity Can Reach the West…Again by George G. Hurton III.  In it, the key to evangelism is through understanding and living as a fellowship among the people, and in time they will open their hearts to the God who knows them.  The old Roman way was for people to believe before they can belong, while the new Celtic way is for you to belong and eventually believe.  In other words, the community and not an individual brings you to Christ.  In many ways, it’s easier to tell someone the Gospel than it is to take someone where s/he consistently experiences the Gospel.

How do we belong?  I sure feel like I belong to WHCC and HCC more than FBCC.  I know I am at fault for not terribly trying much, but even though I don’t really try, I get invited to their birthday parties, their holiday celebrations, and their event gatherings.  They even apologize profusely for forgetting to add me onto their list and making sure I am included next time.  On the flip side, I try the hardest with FBCC (but not my hardest in general) by calling and emailing them to contact me to hang out, and instead I’ve come to expect voicemail and oh yeah, this is what we’re doing right now, if you want to come.  Is it because at least one or two people keep track of me at WHCC and HCC, but no one does here at FBCC?  That could make all the difference.  Or is it that I expect more (and keep a record of wrongs?) because I have decided to be included at FBCC but I am nonchalant with whether I am invited to WHCC or HCC?  I remember back in January there was a slew of WHCC birthdays, and then in February there was a slew of FBCC birthdays.  Somehow, I ended up going to the WHCC ones but not the FBCC ones as much; I don’t remember now, but at the time was it due to scheduling conflicts or did I finally decide to attend the WHCC ones because I was more comfortable with them?  What does it mean to expect the worse but hope for the best?  How do you have high expectations but….? 

When I entered college, I checked out a handful of Christian gatherings.  I joined a small group that was part of the then-called Chinese Bible Study because it was the thing to do and everyone kept emphasizing them.  Our group fell apart,one by one, until it was just the Bible study leader, me, and this girl who was highly committed and hadn’t yet accepted Jesus.  I felt sorry, but that wasn’t going to cut it, so I left highly disappointed and joined CCC.  Later, I learned that one of the girls who wasn’t that much of a believer became good friends with Kara and eventually made an amazing transformation through His grace.  The thing is, though you can encourage group ownership, it sure can’t be forced.  Anyone knows nagging doesn’t work, although we find ourselves doing it.  Haven’t you noticed with some you just click instantly and with others you don’t?  Some people find you dull, while others find you exciting, or at least around them somehow you light up.  Even if you give all the time you can, with all the sincerity and effort, with both of you seeking, even if you lived near each other.  Reminds me of that girl from Chicago: we had an affinity towards each other so we’d decide to meet up and all, but anyone can tell from our conversations that somehow we just weren’t clicking.  Eventually we both decided without words to call it off.  She was a smart and pretty girl; I wonder where she is now after UT Austin pre-pharm classes.

Maybe we’re defining incorrectly.  Back in high school, I was elected to be the Science Club president, with a new teacher sponsor.  It bothered me that our definition of a member was someone who paid the fee.  There were those who were super dedicated, coming and helping at every single event, while others never showed up but they did pay the money.  I didn’t enjoy being president, so for me to keep everything running was as good as it was going to get, not trying to change their pre-existing system.  Magnificat has an application process but afterwards you’re in for life.  Even with years of hiatus you are always wlecome to come back and use the resources.  I met Annie Shen at an HCC gathering, and she says she hangs out with HCC, serves in her home Asian church, and then attends a more American (or African-American?) church on Sunday mornings.  Seems fragmented and yet, is that something I want to imitate?  In a way, her method demonstrates that we together are the Bride of Christ.  Vickie’s always running around hanging out with all these groups because we are all interconnected (actually, if left to my own devices, I really don’t care to make new friends). 

Indeed, it is impossible to know everyone, even within a single church building (”Abandon Committees, Skip Teams, and Embrace Communities” by George Bullard), so is there significance in “choosing” a church?  Are we to attend, serve, and gather within one?  What does the modern-day “fellowship of the believers” look like?  I think my problem would be choosing, because many times events have been booked for the same weekend.  Do I even it out?  Or instead, focus?  Still, I remember in the past when someone at FBCC needed a bone marrow transplant due to leukemia; the whole church gathered together.  We have also drawn together to fundraise for missions we support.  And the Chinese churches have gathered together for events as well (although it appears that FBCC does that less than the others).  Our mechanic, dentist, realtor, and family physician all were borne from the network of these Chinese churches.  It’s like “The New Science of Networks” by Albert-Laszlo Barabasi (who wrote it after reading “The Strength of Weak Ties“ by Mark S. Granovetter).

Still, when I went to RecWeek it was a big deal since I didn’t commit myself to InterVarsity but to CCC:EPIC (who has their own similar conference: DWC)–the IV leader went to the CCC leader to make sure they knew about me and it was okay with them!  Actually, it is the close relationships I formed in EPIC, not IV, that continue to live on.  I’ve still visited Josh, sent a card to Jonathan Le, had a few meals with prayers and talks of our spiritual struggles with Marie when she stops in town, and exchanged sparse emails with Iris.  Which reminds me: before the birth of EPIC, Alice and I were part of a CCC cell group.  The concept is that, as it grew, it would split and thus multiply.  We had to decide who we wanted to go with: Ophelia or Kristen.  I couldn’t decide at all.  Eventually, on the Jester steps, Iris poured out her heart and tears and basically begged me to be part of the one she had chosen.  I don’t remember if I had chosen one yet at this point, or if I ended up choosing the one that she asked me to be a part of, but I just remember this particular heart-wrenching moment.  I’ve never felt so loved and accepted.  And then, even leaving a comment on a random Xanga where they just started their own EPIC, I never would have imagined that eventually she would pray for my sins, and then point me (with Rudi) to spent one night of our two-week road trip at a stranger’s apartment.  Not only did this sister in Christ open her place for us and provide hospitality, she also prayed for and over us.

FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS
Luke 15:1-7

Perhaps Josh had a better glimpse of how this all operates when he wrote his journal entry on seasonal friendships.  On the snowboarding trip, not only did I reinforce previous friendships but also forged new ones.  Liz prayed for me when she didn’t even know me, only because she knew I needed the spiritual support.  Now we still exchange postcards and emails.  I haven’t spoken to Ruth since I’ve moved back from El Paso; she was a wonderful roommate.  During the student orientation at UT Austin, somehow I ended up hanging with a Hispanic girl and an African-American guy.  I remember the incident when we were eating some free food in a large banquet hall, and he said that he really stood out.  “Because we’re under the skylight?”  “No, because I’m the only black person in this room.”  It was really nice to not be alone and to share the experience with others in the same boat.  I remember her waving at me later, and he visited my dorm freshman year, but now I don’t even remember his or her names (or faces….).  When we graduated, Sapna gave me an old photograph of when the three of us (including Reena) were in second grade? and I had played this detective game with them by planting clues: ”It takes a long time to grow an old friend.”  Back in high school, Carla Ortiz gave me this:  “Thanks for being my friend & for being the caring person that you are to me.  Your the GREATEST friend.  Happy B-day to a friend that means ALOT to me.”  I remember thinking, this is so out of nowhere!  I don’t recall any conversations we’ve had in the past, and ever since I have not a clue what’s going on with her.  She says I’m such a great friend to her, but how?  I know many times I’m nice to those I really would prefer never to hang out with again, but with her it wasn’t even that….

I remember back in Austin, Timmy Chui wrote about The Atomic Tiers of Friendship haha; wonder where he got his ideas.  Phoebe and Hannah have been gone for a week in Hong Kong and will be gone for another week.  I have been contemplating our relationships since I’ve been back at my parents’ place for the time being.  Phoebe and I grew close first semester of freshman year and then agreed to an accountability relationship thereafter until I moved to El Paso.  Hannah and I gelled a connection after her 22nd birthday while exchanging deep, dark, familiar yet unsimilar, privacies.  We’ve hung out I think usually once a week together on the weekends, but of course it’s not like before.  I think other acquaintances (not “friends”) know more about them than I do at this point.  I’m not exactly pining for the days gone by but rather how to take those spontaneous moments along into the future, how to cultivate the environment for our older selves in new stages, for the sake of the gospel, for our children.

I mentioned that we should be neighbors so our kids can play together.  Linton said, “But you don’t even have a boyfriend!.”  Indeed, I’m not even close to marrying, let alone having children.  I never really got to know my neighbors, but it turns out that I know a little more (thanks to my dad) than Phoebe and Hannah do about theirs (they say they’re new).  Linton has to feed their dog Missy, but it seems that in the past (or at least in media), the neighbor usually handles that role.  As I drive towards Dulles Avenue, I always pass a driveway packed with boys who have grown tall and lanky!  I don’t know who lives there, but I’ve seen African-American guys, Asian-American guys, and white guys all playing basketball together.  When Gilmore Girls first came out, what drew me was not only the intelligent banter but the concept that they lived in a (too) close-knit town.  Everyone would eat at the local Luke’s Diner, and then people could hang out on their front porches and say hello to those walking by.  But they sure had a lot of gossip.  (And, as Phoebe said, when Dean made love to Rory, we were shocked.  So much for a clean series.)  I absolutely adored the neighborhood playground my brother and I frequented as children.  Okay, so maybe this concept is now dangerous in this day and age.  Then you can have those “gated communities” that Jessica/Robert/Rosemery (and my brother) are in (compare with the med center condos that Alison/Wilson/Cindy live in).

MARRIAGE
Ephesians 5:22-33

I always say that I feel more comfortable around guys than girls (verus for Linton he says he grew up feeling more comfortable around girls than guys).  The past few weeks I wonder how I came to that conclusion, both mentally and subconsciously in how I act.  I mean, I hung out with both while in school (and senior year it was a table of all females during lunch, man I miss Arlene and oh, her birthday was this past Sunday), and at church it wasn’t like the guys in my class treated me better than the girls.  I would also say that I have more guy friends than girl friends, yet if I lost my guy friends I would be sad but not as devastated as if I were to lose a friendship with a girl. 

Chris Sun is a prime example.  In fact, I’m almost hesitant to call him a friend.  Is he more of a…frequent acquaintance?  Seriously, the only reason we hang out is through Linton (and satellite friends).  I have a [funny] birthday card that he gave me freshman year.  Little did I know then how rare that is.  Yet he’s probably going to be one of Linton’s groomsman, and I did invite him to my birthday dinner, I guess to even it out.  I also invited Nathan Kim, and we rarely talk.  In fact, we just see each other at football and usually don’t even exchange words.  But I know if I am in need of prayer or other help, he will respond, as he always emails back amidst his numerous activities.  And then there are Andrew, Nathan, and Inch.  Well, I haven’t been in contact with them for quite a long time now, but it’s okay.  I think I feel closer to them than the other people I’ve met from football simply because I met them through Vickie, and somehow that changed the dynamics in how I associate with them, like sending them Christmas cards.

Haha, remember when Tina Chen thought that David Kalloor and I were dating because he’d come over so often freshman year before either of us made many new friends?  It never occurred to me, and I never ever did/will have that thought concerning him.  Whereas with Siwei we, I have no idea how, hit it off right off the bat (where/when/who).  I could tell him everything that I tell my brother–that’s how close I felt with him.  But I barely met him.  At first I clung to thinking, “What does it mean to know my husband?” but like friendships, there are those you just click with and those you don’t.  So I’ve let go of that.  When I said no in Austin to a sweet guy who asked me out, he asked if it was because he didn’t believe in God.  “No, I’m just not attracted to you.”  Somehow, I didn’t feel it.  

Although, I think that has to do with our current culture.  If parents don’t approve of your choice nowadays, that’s usually overlooked instead of trying to reconcile.  In past customs (like the dowry) and in prevailing traditions (like the father “giving away” the daughter) though, it’s really a relationship between the two families, if not also between/within churches (The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony by Pamela Paul), dating with the approval of your community, who is in the place to help you weigh in the other factors of values and also keep you accountable.  That’s probably why Erwin and I are somewhat okay when thinking about arranged marriages.  I think the problem occurs when they make matches due to affluence and distinguishment, etc, as all humans end up messing up good systems.  My question to myself is, “If a guy I highly respect were to ask me but I just wasn’t feeling it, even after multiple extended rendezvous, would I accept?”  I think this is the wisdom I need to ask God about: the ability to discern whether an obstacle is the result of the need for discipline/perseverance (hurdle) or is the result of the need for a detour/fork (wall).  That’s what I’ve been trying to consider about waking up early, memorizing verses, personality in socializing, planning (using a planner works great for me, but Jennifer Lin says it doesn’t help her at all), kit with relatives, exercising, friendships as mentioned above, love languages….

PURPOSE
John 17:4

Last Wednesday, we met for FBCC Ladies’ Group.  The overall concensus was, we have no idea where we are headed and how our stories will end on earth and continue in heaven.  Many are figuring out whether to change to an entirely new area of study, or at least a new job within their current finished schooling.  The competition rises each year it seems among valedictorians/salutatorians, and I am amazed at just how ambitious and passionate they appear to be; you wonder if they will reach it, and if they will find satisfaction in reaching it.  As the dark clouds slowly dissipate, at times an epiphany or some clarity will shine through, but then it quickly disappears and I’m in a fog again, but still in a better state for seeing it.  I’m usually at peace when I think that I will be married while going about the house, how I’ve always vaguely but contentedly imagined it, helping supporting supplementing whatever he endeavors.  Despite that, Proverbs 31 had always bothered me, but even now the Proverbs 31 woman is now a celebration and challenge.  This always-wife desire and this in-the-Bible-but-doesn’t-seem-right disenchantment is finally coming together.  I guess I didn’t realize that it made me feel intimidated, incompetent, hopeless, exhausted (in my own power) like reading the goals of the graduates.  Instead, as God is making us perfect, as women He is making us her (His power with our participation), in our own unique ways. 

Of course, having “peace” doesn’t always mean I’m on the right track, but again you can’t discount it either.  I get restless when I think that I have been blessed beyond what I could’ve asked or imagined and with that comes the stewardship of making great strides for His kingdom (and thus even before believing but being raised in church, missions was always attractive to my naive eyes).  The thing is, ultimately we are to obey and glorify, NOT to change the world.  I think it is in this that I am transitioning from abstractness into something more pragmatic, as I am slowly lifted out and glean the gems that can only be understood from coming out of trip-ups, temptations, and trials.  I was all tangled up in my buzz words of community/friends/romance/vulnerability/missions/reconciliation/prayer, I’ve forgotten to “look up!”  I’ve been trying to figure out what God has given me a gift in, where God has placed my passions in, and how it could all work in this current culture, but conclusively regardless of techniques and training, the umph will be from God.  

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.  Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.  All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.  For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! (Philippians 3:7-16, Romans 11:36).

AMEN.

Last Monday, we had gone to the “park” (Brooks Lake) near Fluor for the first time.  We saw two guys with their truck fishing for catfish!  I also expressed my desire to be back for House, M.D., so I drove there, quickly walked to the end when it reached a road, then returned.  I didn’t drive particularly superfast, but we were right on time (even my dad was surprised).  It’s definitely closer (and quicker) than going to Oyster/Lost Creek Park.

Yesterday afternoon, my parents and I went a second time.  As we started, the wind was a higher chill factor than I anticipated, so I turned around and grabbed my jacket.  It’s also probably why there weren’t any mosquitoes as I had though (since it had rained earlier in the day and I tend to get bit, I sprayed repellant but my parents declined).  We went all the way to the end, where the trail ends.  We saw more people this time (a guy on a bike, another guy on a bike with a dog, a woman with a dog.  We also saw a large black vulture-like (to me haha) bird picking at something in the water at the edge of the lake.  At first I just thought it was cloth or plastic (i.e. litter).  On approach, I saw scales and fins.  Uh, I think it was a catfish, although I never saw the head, which is was made me feel on edge.  There were two families of ducks: one mom with nine teenage ducks and another with six elementary-age ducks.  I went to check out the cross with many Bible verses on it (I Corinthians 9:19, 22-23; I Peter 3:15; II Corinthians 5:11; Colossians 4:2-6; John 3:16; John 14:6; Matthew 5:16; I Peter 4:8; II John 1:6; Matthew 28:18-21; Psalm 139:17-18; Zephaniah 3:17; II Chronicles 16:9; Jeremiah 29:11-13; Ephesians 5:1-2; Acts 2:42-47; Proverbs 27:17; and Acts 4:32-35).  Then we headed back. 

Mom wanted to go down Fluor Daniel, so we turned onto the bridge but then turned left (straight would take us into the engineering complex).  We passed some new gated communities, and Dad asked if I wanted to check out the Open House (they’ve done so before).  So I turned in (I always like to observe anything art-related, and that includes arthitecture and interior design).  This took another hour.  These houses are big (with arched large heavy wooden-looking doors like in castles) and fancy (one unfinished one even had a dome and inside balcony - the one that sort of reminds me of Romeo talking up to Juliet or Rapunzel having to let down her hair).  There’s not much outdoors space, though, for gardening or anything like that.  We only saw one sold (they already had two of their fancy sporty cars parked in the garage).  I took pictures.

We finally left for home (my mom was quite tired, and I have to admit I was winded) at 5 pm and ate leftovers (shiaw goo-goo’s family’s leftovers of tender beef chunks).  I watched The Big Bang Theory (I simply love how Sheldon talks - of course not as my S.O. and it would probably get old/frustrating as a friend after awhile that he just doesn’t see things like we do, and vice versa), House, M.D., and CSI while doing the Sudoku and Jumble (gave up and used my handy-dandy dictionary at the end) in the Houston Chronicle newspaper.  Then off I went to bed, hoping to get into the groove of a more regular sleep pattern (instead of insomnia up until 3 am).

This early evening, we just went walking in the neighborhood.  I had another hairdo today, haha.  It reminded me of in the past where they really stack the hair up high atop the head.  I didn’t spray bug repellant, and I paid for it around both my knees (I knew it, since the weather is nicer than yesterday’s).  We checked out some of the custom homes, went by Andrew’s (not mine) former piano teacher’s house, and made a stop at the playground.  My dad called it the “castle,” and I had forgotten about that old nickname.  When we were kids, the playground was actually made entirely of wood (except some parts that is typically metal, such as the chains on the swings and the handle and glider of the sliding mechanism).  Practically all parts were connected, save the sandbox in the middle of the area.  Oh, how I loved to crawl through the tunnels on the bottom! and go through all the arches and teeny one-person “rooms”.  I really liked the sliding mechanism, they had a practice-your-balance beam, and there were a lot more swings (that were accessible to us kids). 

Due to safety restrictions and precautions, now everything is made of plastic, and any metal is covered in plastic (which is a good thing, like on the swings).  The sandbox is still there, as well as the baseball field in the back (right next to the Dulles track, but with a fence of course), the sand volleyball court (not very well kept, though), and the pool (popular in the neighborhood).  Everything on the playground is much more open (I guess so guardians can see their child at all times - including slides that aren’t completely cylinders) but also with less options to have fun with.  There’s an area for toddlers, and then an area for older children.  The playground equipments take up much less space.  They do try to include all of the old things, like a tire swing (much smaller, doesn’t look like a real tire as much - I think they covered it with plastic for safety as well) and swings (thank goodness - although they are so high all three of us had trouble getting on and starting). 

As I watch and read more news (and television series related to law enforcement), my heart sinks at how dangerous this society seems to be getting.  I don’t know, since I never lived back then, but did we have to be so cautious in earlier years?  Or because of more awareness we are taking more steps, and thus we can’t assume better things from people (instead always suspicious of others).  And yet, we really can’t prevent everything, because we are going to become at least acquaintances with our coworkers, neighbors, and meet new people and thus assume trust and thus build a new relationships.  That’s the beauty of moving and meeting new people.  You’re trying to change for the better, and so the new people don’t know your old self and can forgive you a couple more times than your old acquaintances, or they won’t hold back due to an old grudge that is past its expiration.  Just rambling…no spectacular closing statement….

This morning my dad went with shiaw goo-goo to Austin (they stayed with my brother) with shiaw goo-goo’s friend.  I could’ve joined/supported the NAMI Walk, but instead I drove to Jacky’s apartment to carpool to .  Jocelyn, JT, and Ted were already waiting.  He asked if I could drive since I was the only one with a four-door car.  Jacky sat in the passenger seat, JT sat on the right, Jocelyn sat in the middle, and Ted sat on the left.  We got lost briefly trying to find the Metro station, where we have permission and a permit to park for volunteering.  We waited for Jacky’s co-worker Andy? then headed towards the area (man, I forgot to take a picture of the metal see-through sign over the desolate grass area).  We passed an African-American with dreadlocks who was walking and also another man who was napping under the bridge but when he saw us (we were trying to take a picture of a family of ducks) he sat up and put on a shirt. 

After registration and getting our Tshirts, we were put to work doing random setup.  Jocelyn and I stuck together for the most part, trying to adjust/move the stage, transporting supplies to the media/vip area, transporting water.  The water was initially kept in this rundown building which had cool detached drawings of buildings on the white walls with black paint (I took pictures).  Shane Chen (a female), Jacky’s coworker who invited him and thus us to volunteer at this event, gave us special treatment.  We also got Astros tickets (unfortunately they gave us entrance to tomorrow’s and not Tuesday’s game), baby sunscreen, water, vegetable buns for breakfast (I know, sounds nasty in English), and overall better volunteering jobs than the other volunteers I think. 

We went walking around to the tents so that Jocelyn could say hello to Winston and Myrtle.  Myrtle is on the Houston Heat, as is Ying Yeung, my old piano teacher’s older daughter.  She says later I’ll probably see her dad since he’s coming as well.  Other people who I also ended up seeing were Jasmine and Annie from BASIC, John Hsieh (who gave me a large bottle of grean tea with lemon as well as a bbq pork bun), Rean, Christine Fung, and Susan Zhang.  Lol, Jocelyn ended up having to paddle for Lee High School.  I was pulled for Silver Eagle Distributors “Team Bud Light” because I was told one paddler had austism and had changed her mind, but the boat had already gone ahead so I didn’t have to.  I eventually ended up being the runner, meaning I would have to call the teams from wherever they were (usually at their assigned area under the bridge/tent) to get in line for their turn.  

On one trip of mine, I saw Robert C staying a little off from the crowd, on the sidewalk not close to the water’s edge, watching the race.  I went over and said hi, but he had this confused look on his face.  Not until he said, “You got a haircut” did I realize he probably didn’t initially recognize me.  We chatted, each telling the other why we were here.  He said that Joanne Wei (met on the football field, remet more firmly at David Zhao’s Chinese New Year party) had asked him to help out.  The RUCAA (Rice University Chinese Alumni Association) team consists of some current students and alumni, Joanne being one of them.  Another alumni, whom Robert introduced me to, is Ben Chu.  We both comment that each looks familiar to the other, but we have no idea how.  He graduated from Rice in 1995.  When I asked them if they were ready, Robert came up to me and said that actually they need 7 more paddlers.  I wasn’t sure if they’d be able to participate or be disqualified.  By the time they got their bracelets (they also forgot to register) to enter into the filtered area where current teams can be (and appropriate volunteers), they somehow could.  Turned out that they grabbed Jasmine, Annie, and John, and also roped in three Rice freshmen they had spotted.  One freshman came simply to watch her mom participate with the El Paso (Corporate?) Group, but now she has her own team to cheer on.

The guys (JT, Ted, Jacky, and Denver) were assigned to be dock helpers.  However, they are in a restricted area (and understandably so, because the people in charge don’t want that area clogged).  The girls are all running around as volunteers and as visitors.  Since Robert generally has an area he keeps going back to, I kept going back there to chat in between my runs.  It made my day, because he also asked me if I wanted some of their food (they were grilling hotdogs, sausages and hamburger patties on a metal portable enclosure) and man did I ever.  He went and grabbed me a hot dog in a bun (Vickie pointed this out to be that this is above and beyond simply asking if I wanted to eat) and asked if I also wanted ketchup and mustard, which I didn’t want him to go through THAT much trouble so I shook my heard (I was really hungry anyway).  I also ran out of the two bottles of water I had brought so I grabbed their paper cup and drank some from theirs as well (which I’m sure they desperately needed since they were rowing!). 

He’s an easy guy to talk with, and always with that big grin and easygoing attitude (with a humorous streak - saying I should wear my cap this other way, which I thought was true until he jk’d).  Some of the things I picked up:  He is going to finally graduate from residency in…2013.  I think he said he’d be 32 or something by that time.  He definitely never looks tired, though (good time management, eh?).  His family is in Louisiana, but they will probably move since they don’t really like it there.  He wants to go to Boston, but that is unlikely since there is more supply than demand with physicians.  He says there are three-digit-number of universities churning out medical graduates and a lot of people want to stay in the area.  His dream is to start a private practice, probably in San Diego, with two of his friends (who are specializing in oncology and radiation).  If his parents want his house, he’ll let them have it.  Otherwise, he’ll rent out his house.  OH yeah, and he remembered I was studying OT.  Wow.  The jokester again, saying that I should actually sell the projects (crafts) that the patients make during our Task Group in order to make more money.

When we were off the hook (we got to eat some of their food, but they also asked the guy to stay longer to help move the drums), we checked out some of the booths.  Jocelyn took me to the Wheel of Fortune put on by Western Union.  You could tell the staff wasn’t too thrilled to be there, just giving us their advertisements (and of course the prize I got from turning the wheel).  We passed one selling beautiful purses, and parasols, and even a tarot reading tent.  She also showed me where I could get my Chiense name written in calligraphy.  I got one for myself, and then when I commented that my mom would like it, she told me I could ask the man to write my mom’s name as well, which he did.  They were written on Beijing Olympics bookmarks.  Jocleyn is quite the social butterfly, taking photographs and contact information with all the people she met (e.g. the teacher who helped with Lee High School).  I also stood by as she talked with Caroline Long (the emcee and co-founder of the races).  Caroline said that initally they hired an emcee just like they hired the DJ.  However, something happened, so she ended up doing–and better.  She would go interview everyone while the hired would sort of just watch because s/he didn’t know anyone. 

Our last stop, right after grabbing extra white 8th Annual T-shirts as given permission by Joanne and Robert (Jacky was desperate for one), we “ordered” not food but some balloon sculptures from Smilez 4 Kids (they also paint faces).  As they were making them (the guys got them for their girlfriends), I started chitchatting with the one closest to me.  Turns out this grey-haired man is a missionary all over the world.  The younger people (like our age) standing behind him are two of his eight? children.  The guy was born in Germany? and the female making my penguin (as requested by Tedman, who personally got a Tigger tiger) was born in Italy.  This is their fundraiser.  Wow.

Hm…seems like I did a lot more.  I guess all that running, noise, losing my neon-yellow Airshow cap, pictures with newsreporters (just Greensheet - look for the June edition), and sunshine really did me in.  But with how things turned out, I am overall very happy.  Check out the link in http://www.buffalobayou.org/dragonboat.html for the official website, where you can click to Channel 13’s reporting with pictures and videos as well as the results (Continental Airlines reclaimed their champion title since 2004, 2003, and 2002) and especially how to volunteer for October’s Regatta ;-).

In the afternoon, I could’ve participated in Hector’s Cinco de Mayo cookout, but I was way too tired.  I took a nap (from 3 to 5 pm) then got up to eat dinner while watching Coyote Ugly on TV.  Turns out my mom went to the same Chinese singer concert as Jocelyn did (must be since she said something to that extent and was asking for directions to the front of the Reliant Stadium).  I also called Inch, Nathan Kim, who referred me to Chris Sun, and Henry (who asked Charles and Elliot who he was watching a movie with) if they wanted to go to the Astros game tomorrow.  Inch says he and Sarah Kim won’t be going because church conflicts (as I suspected).  Nathan is at a ASME (American Society of Mechanical Engineers) conference.  Chris says he “probably won’t be going” and I didn’t press for a reason.  Henry gave generally the same answer, as did Charles, but Elliot said maybe.  We’ll see.

Dad left this morning (with Carolyn and Gloria Sun’s parents) to Austin to visit my brother.  I got up at 10 am, then I went with my mom from 1-3 pm to visit my grandmother (we first stopped at Welfarm on Highway 6 to order some boxed lunches).  When we came back, I took a nap.  Around 5:30 pm Elliot picked up Hannah and me to Thai Cottage (10001 Westheimer Road Suite 2124 / 77042).  Vickie, Linton, and Yeeland showed up shortly after (I guess Elliot and Yeeland met for the first time, since they shook hands).  Chris had assumed another Thai Cottage location, and Phoebe simply got lost so she arrived when we all finished eating.  Yeeland went the safe route and ordered Pad Thai, Linton ordered for Chris and Phoebe since they were running late, I got Sizzling Beef, and of course Elliot ordered his usual appetize/dessert combo.  We ate quickly then left for Hotel Very Welcome.

Afterwards we headed to Linton’s house.  We voted for what to play:  Elliot chose Pop 5 since he’s never played it and it’s a Cranium game, I chose Pop 5 because I figure everyone could be semi-good at one part, Linton chose Battle of the Sexes since we don’t usually play that game and we have an even number, Hannah chose B.., Vickie chose Imaginiff….but Battle won out.  The guys won very quickly so we started again and they were still winning well, and I didn’t even know the trivia that girls are to know, so Vickie spoke out and said that we needed to play another game. 

We switched to Imaginiff since she’s the guest of the weekend I guess.  I actually never realized just how revealing of a game it could be.  It’s a good game to see what people think of you and how you see yourself.  At this point I can’t remember all we went over.  If I could have a pet, what would it be?  Haha, Elliot chose a Pet Peeve for me (because it’s a creative answer).  Phoebe was the only one who got my greatest fear (from the multiple choice): being a parent.  Chris was like, being a parent?!  As if that was odd.  I guess it is, since most girls want to be moms, right?  Most people chose speaking to an assembly.  They asked how come I wasn’t scared of that.  I said that speaking in front of people isn’t too bad, although I know I probably won’t speak well!  Chris is a sundial (because of his last name, versus a stopwatch, for sports), and ESPN (haha, Hannah and I thought that perhaps he wouldn’t watch ALL sports, that maybe some other news such as politics would be included). 

Saturday, February 23, 2008.  The first time I heard of Forrest Gump was when I went to church camp and one of the guys on stage (when we did one of those games where you have to act) said, “I’m Forrest.  Forrest Glen.”  It was hilarious because the campsite was Forrest Glen.  My brother and Myra drove down from Austin to visit, and the three of us went to Linh’s Vietnamese Sandwiches and Noodles next to Wel-Farm in Missouri City for dinner.  Their little television happened to be showing Forrest Gump, so when we returned, we watched it off/on.  Some details I remembered with remarkable clarity, such as Elvis imitating Forrest’s trouble with walking.  Other scenes I didn’t remember at all (e.g. Forrest he had a son).  And it was interesting to hear both my brother’s and Myra’s comments: Andrew used to cry at the grave scene, and Mrya aws thinking, “Gross, she’s walking on dirt without shoes” when Jenny threw them at her birthplace.  There are still a lot of crying moments.  I didn’t know the boy was Joel Osment.  She asked Forrest, “Will you marry me?”  Jenny always seems to be the one more out there.  Who’s pursuing?  Well, didn’t he ask her before her transformation?  It’s slightly similar to Debbie and Justin’s situation, no?  They were meant to be.

Goodbye, Teresa Chii!  Sorry I couldn’t attend your going-away party.  You will be missed.

Sunday, February 24, 2008.  None of us went to church. That’s why I’m like, isn’t my brother supposed to be leading Myra spiritually?  But then again, she really is helping him out a lot.  When we got up, we at some beef buns and stew.  When Mom came back, she brought us lunchboxes from church just in time.  Myra wanted to east outside, but Mom said it would be best to eat inside first then enjoy outside (because of sand, if it fell, bugs, etc.).  Then, Myra had convinced my brother to buy a flat-screen television set, so I drove them to Fry’s and then Circuit City (they just want to browse so they will know what to do when they return to Austin).  By then I was quite tired.  But, Myra saw that the Macy’s in Sharpstown Mall across the street was having a big (season clearance?) sale, and I needed to buy socks, so I complied.  We were there awhile.  They bought a blanket? but perused the cookware for a long tie.  I was looking for hosiery-like socks to fit into my already-bought shoes, so I bought 3 pairs of them.  But, I also saw these fuzzy socks so I bought the 2 pairs I could find.  The total was $14.04.  The place was really a big mess, though–really looked the closeout.  The couple left for Austin at 4:45 pm.

Then I went to Lost Creek to meet up with Linton (who called me to invite me), Phoebe, Hannah, Braden, Susan, James, and Jonathan.  Unfortunately, they were winding down.  Hannah and Phoebe went home to eat, and Jonathan went to his family reunion (family of Yee–so big they even have a scholarship!).  The rest of us went to Star Snow Ice near the intersection of Dulles and Highway 6.  I briefly went with James to check out the bakery that’s on the strip of Welfarm.  Then all of us went to FuFu’s (except Linton, to join the twins) to meet up with Jing, Eveline, Michael, Michael’s friend Kelvin, and another friend Jonathan Fong (not the one I met at UT Austin).  Jonathan remembered my face, saying that we met at Whole Foods in Austin that one time with Christine Fung (I went there to meet with Vincent Tao with the twins).  Michael went because he really wanted hotpot.  Unfortunately, not all wanted that.  I was on the side that didn’t want hotpot, so I ordered my own thing.  Good thing they still shared with me, though (e.g. hollow-heart green vegetables).  After dinner, Kelvin had to leave (he says he usually wakes up at 5 am for work so he usually goes to bed at 8) since it was already 8:30 pm.  Jonathan Fong left as well since he had to go to the airport tomorrow morning.  The rest of us went to Teahouse.  We played Connect 4 and then Uno.  Then I went home, where James aimed me.

My email was already deactiviated due to nonactivity, so today I finally deleted my yahoo account.  It was fun reading old “slambook” and “dreambook” comments and then getting rid of my slambook account.  I moved some of the information from my site to my “Pages” - so you can click on the links above if you’d like.