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In the midst of writing this book, there have been times when I have found myself believing and acting on some of the very lies I was addressing:  “I don’t have time to do everything!” “I can afford to shortcut my time with the Lord this morning” “I’m acting this way because I’m so tired” “I can’t take any more!”  But the longer I walk with God, the more I am in awe of the power of the Truth!  We have already looked at many lies and the corresponding Truth.  In this final chapter, i want to highlight 22 that I believe are particularly crucial.  Rather than skimming, take time to savor these.  You may want to memorize this list, along with the key Scriptures that correspond to each Truth.  Anytime you realize you are believing lies, go back and review this list.

1.  God is good (Psalms 119:68, 136:1).  Regardless of waht we feel, regardless of what we think, God is good, and everythign He does is good.

2.  God loves me and wants me to have His best (Romans 8:32, 38-39).  There is absolutely nothing we can do to earn or deserve His love.  We cannot comprehend such unconditional love; but if we believe it and receive it, His love will transform our lives. 

3.  I am complete and accepted in Christ (Ephesians 1:4-6).  We don’t have to perform to be made acceptable to Him.  Yet we–fallen, condemned, unworthy sinners–can stand before God clean and unashamed, acceptable in His sight.  How?  Because Jesus–the pure, sinless Son of god–is acceptable to Him, and we stand in Him.

4.  God is enough (Psalm 23:1).

5.  God can be trusted (Isaiah 28:16, Hebrews 13:5).  “God has never once let me down–and He’s not goign to start now!”  I am free from the need to figure out this world and my place in it. 

6.  God doesn’t make any mistakes (Isaiah 46:10).  God is always fulfilling His eternal purposes, and they cannot be thwarted by any human failure.  If we are in Christ, our lives are in His hand, and nothing can touch our lives that has not first been “filtered through His fingers of love.”  Even when Job was suffering, God was still in control.  Satan had to get permission from God to touch His servant.  “God’s will is exactly what we would choose, if we knew what God knows.  When we stand in eternity looking back on this earthly existence, we will know by sight what we can only see now by faith: He has done all things well.

7.  God’s grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9). 

8.  The blood of Christ is sufficient to cover all my sin (1 John 1:7).  The psalmist understood both the enormity of his sin and the even greater enormity of God’s mercy toward repentant sinners (Psalm 130:3-4).

9.  The Cross of Christ is sufficient to conquer my sinful flesh (Romans 6:6-7).  When I sin, it is not because I couldn’t help myself; it is because I chose to yield to my old master.  I don’t have to sin (Romans 6:14).

10.  My past does not have to plague me (1 Corinthians 6:9-11).  Paul reminds a group of believers that sin does separate from God; then he assures them that through Christ, the worst of sinners can be made clean and new.  Our past does not have to be hindrances.  By God’s grace, they can actually be stepping-stones to greater victory.

11.  God’s Word is sufficient to lead me, teach me, and heal me (Psalms 19:7, 107:20, 119:105).

12.  Through the power of His Holy Spirit, God will enable me to do anything He commands me to do (1 Thessalonians 5:24, Philippians 2:13).  There is no one we cannot forgive (Mark 11:25), there is no one we cannot love (Matthew 5:44), we can give thanks in all things (1 Thessalonians 5:18), and we can be content in every circumstance (Hebrews 13:5).  The issue is not that we can’t obey God; the real issue is that we won’t forgive, we are unwilling to love, and we refuse to give thanks.  Obedience is a choice made in dependence on God.

13.  I am responsible before God for my behavior, responses, and choices (Ezekiel 18:19-22).  I am not responsible for the actions of others, but I am responsible for how I respond.

14.  I will reap whatever I sow (Galatians 6:7-8). 

15.  The pathway to true joy is to relinguish control (Matthew 16:25, Luke 1:38, 1 Peter 5:7).  We have a drive to control.  Why is it so hard to let God be God?

16.  The greatest freedom I can experience is found through submission to God-ordained authority (Ephesians 5:21).  When we do so, we are granted God’s protective covering, we release Him to workin the lives of those in authority over us, we reveal to the world the beauty of God’s created order, and we proclaim His right to rule over the universe.

17.  In the will of God, there is no higher, holier calling than to be a wife and mother (Titus 2:4-5).  True fulfillment are found through discovering why God made us and then embracing that created purpose and design.  God designed the woman to be a helper to her husband and a bearer and nurturer of life.  Marriage and motherhood are God’s norm for most women.  God’s calling for the married woman centers on her roles in the home (Titus 2:4-5).  A job outside the home may offer greater affirmation and produce more visible and immediate results.  But to make a home, to be united with a man in glorifying Godon this earth, to nurture and tend the lives of children and grandchildren, to train and mold the next generation–there is no higher calling and no greater joy.

18.  Personal holiness is more important than temporal happiness (Ephesians 5:26-27).  Happiness here and now is not the highest good, nor is it a right (Titus 2:14).

19.  God is more concerned about changing me and glorifying Himself than about solving my problems (Romans 8:29).  If we do not recognize and embrace God’s purposes and process in our lives, we will become obsessed with finding a way out of our problems.  We will become despondent and angry when God does not “cooperate” with our agenda.  Everything that matters to us must be subordinate to what matters most to Him.  What matters most to Him is that every created being reflect His glory.

20.  It is impossible to be godly without suffering (1 Peter 5:10).  It is an essential tool in the hand of God to conform us to the image of Jesus.  In the process of making wine in Jeremiah’s day, the juice from the grapes was poured into a wineskin and left to sit for weeks, until the bitter dregs or sediment settled onto the bottom.  Then it was poured into another wineskin so more dregs could be separated, repeatedly, until the wine was pure and sweet.  The nation of Moab had a history of ease and comfort; she had not been through the purifying process of being “poured” from suffering to suffering.  As a result, the thick, bitter dregs of her sin remained in her–she was “unchanged” (Jeremiah 48:11).  Suffering is God’s means of pouring us from one jar to another–of unsettling us–so the dregs of self and sin can be separated out, until the pure, sweet wine of His Spirit is all that remains. 

21.  My suffering will not last forever (2 Corinthians 4:17-18).  All suffering is purposeful and intentional.  God has a specific objective in mind for our suffering.  God has promised tha tone day “there will be no more death” (Revelation 21:4).  So, dear child of God, when your eyes are filled with tears and there seems to be no hope, take courage.  Your faith will be rewarded with the sight of the One who has promised to be with you to the end.

22.  It’s not about me; it’s all about Him (Colossians 1:16-18, Revelation 4:11)!  Once we agree with God that we exist for His pleasure and His glory, we can accept whatever comes into our lives as part of His sovereign will and purpose.

Let’s review the two major points of this book:

• Believing lies places us in bondage.
• The Truth has the power to set us free.

We have seen that the progression toward bondage begins when we listen to Satan’s lie.  God promises a special blessing to those who do not “walk in the counsel of the wicked” (Psalm 1:1).  The progression continues as we dwell on those lies, begin to believe them, inevitably act on them, and then establish patterns in our lives that ultimately lead to bondage.  The pathway to freedom involves at least three steps:

1. Identify the area(s) of bondage or sinful behavior.
2. Identify the lie(s) at the root of that bondage or behavior.
3. Replace th lie(s) with the Truth.

The Truth has the power to overcome every lie.  The Truth has the power to set us free (John 8:32) and to protect our minds and hearts from deceptive thoughts and feelings (Psalm 91:4).  The Truth has the power to sanctify us (John 15:3, 17:17). 

Choosing the pathway of Truth calms my turbulent emotions and restores settledness and sanity to my confused thoughts.  I speak the Truth to myself–sometimes aloud, and, if necessary, over and over again–until the Truth (Matthew 5:5-9, 39, 44, 6:14-15) displaces and replaces the lies I have been believing (e.g.  she made me angry, I have a right to be angry, I have a right to defend myself, I can’t help the way I feel).  I knew I could not wait until I felt like forgiving–that I had to choose to obey God, and that my emotions would follow sooner or later.  The emotional release did not come immediately.  For some time, I found myself still feeling “bruised”; at times, I was tempted to resume my emotional temper tantrum or to subtly retaliate.  But, by God’s grace, I continued to speak the Truth to my heart and to make the choice to act on the Truth.  Out of obedience to God’s Word, I began to look for ways to rebuild the relationship and invest in the life of the one who had hurt me.  I am grateful that He loved me enough to orchestrate circumstances to bring those issues that I had not realized needd to be addressed to the surface, and I thank Him for using that experience to make me more like Jesus.

The transforming power of knowing, believing, and acting on the Truth is a Person–the Lord Jesus Christ (John 14:6, 8:31-36).  True freedom is found in a vital, growing relationship with Jesus (the living Word of God), who has revealed Himself in the Scripture (the written Word of God).  There is no substitute and there are no shortcuts.  We must also surrender to the Truth (Psalm 119:29-30).  Once we are walking according to the Truth, God wants to make us instruments to draw others to the Truth (Ephesians 4:14-15, 25).  The vision that gave birth to this book was the longing to see women set free through the Truth (James 5:19-20). The idea of “turning sinners from the error of their way” is largely foreign in our day.  The hue and cry of our postmodern culture is “tolerance.”  Many believers have become hesitant to stand for the Truth, for fear of being labeled as narrow-minded or judgmental.  Many Christians manifest this “live and let live” attitude, not only toward the world, but also in relation to other believers who are not walking in the Truth.  We must remember that in Christ and in His Word, we have Good News!  If we truly care about them, we will prayerfully and actively seek to restore them.  We must learn, believe, surrender, and live out the Truth with boldness, conviction, and compassion.

You may have read Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst.  It seemed that everything was going wrong for poor Alexander.  Who can blame the frustrated boy for sighing at the end of the day, “I think I’ll move to Australia!”  In fact, that is exactly what the psalmist prayed on at least one occasion (Psalm 55:6-8).  Like a drop of food coloring poured into a glass of water, sin tainted everything about human beings and their environment.

36.  “If my circumstances were different, I would be different.”

“I was never an impatient person–until I had these twins!”  Or, “She made me so mad!”  Or, I wouldn’t be so bitter, if my husband hadn’t run off with that other woman.”  We are saying, “Someone or something made me the way I am.”  We feel that if we are different–our upbringing, our environment, the people around us–we would be different.  If our circumstances make us what we are, then we are all victims.  And that’s what the Enemy wants us to believe.  Because if we are victims, then we aren’t responsible–we can’t help the way we are.  But God says we are responsible–not for the failures of others, but for our own responses and lives.  The Truth is, our circumstances do not make us what we are.  They merely reveal what we are–so He can change us.  We play the “if only” game (such as ”If only we had more money…” and “If only I were married to someone different…”).  The Truth is, if we are not content within our present circumstances, we are not likely to be happy in any other set of circumstances.  Elizabeth Prentiss wrote:

We want to know no will but God’s in this question….The experience of the past winter would impress upon me the fact that place and position have next to nothing to do with happiness; that we can be wretched in a palace, radiant in a dungeon….perhaps this heartbreaking is exactly what we need to remind us…that we are pilgrims and strangers on the earth.

George Washington’s wife, Martha, expressed the same conviction in a letter written to her friend Mercy Warren:

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances.  We carry the seeds of the one or the other about with us in our minds, wherever we go.

Paul understood that we may not be able to control our circumnstances, but our circumstances don’t have to control us (Philippians 4:11-12).  The Truth is that we can trust a wise, loving, sovereign God to control every circumstance of our lives.

37.  “I shouldn’t have to suffer.”

Many modern-day evangelistic efforts have promised sinners unending peace, joy, a home in heaven, and a prosperous life between here and there, if they will simply come to Jesus.  That kind of preaching, stripped of the call to disclipleship and cross bearing, has produced a generation of soft, flabby “disciples” who have no stomach for the battles of the Christian life.  When their hopes are dashed by the inevitable trials and tribulations, they whimper and whine and make a dash for the quickest escape route.  By convincing us that our suffering is undeserved or unnecessary, the Enemy succeeds in getting us to resent and resist the will and purpose of God (Acts 14:22).  Arthur Mathews wrote:

We tend to look at the circumstances of lifein terms of what they may do to our cherished hopes and convenience, and we shape our decisions and reactions accordingly.  When a problem threatens, we rush to God, not to seek his prespective, but to ask hi to deflect the trouble.  Our self-concern takes priority over whatever it is that God might be trying to do through the trouble….An escapist generation reads security, prosperity, and physical well-being as evidences of God’s blessing.  Thus when he puts suffering and affliction into our hands, we misread his signals and misinterpret his intentions.

Seventeenth-century Puritan author William Law exhorts us:

Receive every inward and outward trouble, every disappointment, pain, uneasiness, temptation, darkness, and desolation, with both thy hands, as a true opportunity and blessed occasion of dying to self, and entering into a fuller fellowship with they self-denying, suffering Saviour.

The Truth is, God is far more interested in our holiness than in our immediate, temporal happiness–He knows that from apart from being holy, we can never be truly happy.  The Truth is, it is impossible to be holy apart from suffering (Hebrews 2:10, 5:8).  In fact, Peter goes so far as to insist that suffering is our calling (1 Peter 2:21).  True joy is not the absence of pain but the sanctifying, sustaining presence of the Lord Jesus in the midst of the pain.  Through the whole process, we have His promise (1 Peter 5:10).

38.  “My circumstances will never change–this will go on forever.”

The Truth is, your pain may go on for a long time.  But it will not last forever.  It may go on for all of your life down here on this earth.  But even a lifetime is not forever.  The Truth is, a moment or two fro now (in the light of eternity), when we are in the presence of the Lord, everything that has taken place in this life will be just a breath–a comma.  “One day this will all be just a blip on the screen.”  She spoke not as one who is just resigned to her “fate.”  She longs for things to be different now.  But she has a perspective of time and eternity that is enabling her to be faithful in the midst of the “fire.”

Regardless of how long our suffering continues, God’s word assures us that it will not last forever (2 Corinthians 4:16-18, Romans 8:18, Psalm 30:5).  God has determined the exact duration of your suffering, and it will not last one moment longer than He knows is necessary to achieve His holy, eternal purposes in and through your life.  Regardless of how powerful the forces of darkness seem to be here and now, the final chpater has been written–and God wins (Isaiah 35:1,10)!

39.  “I just can’t take it anymore.”

Regardless fo what our emotions or our circumstances may tell us, God’s Word says, “My grace is sufficient for you” (2 Corinthians 12:9).  (This is assuming, of course, that I haven’t taken on myself responsibilities He never intended me to carry.  If the burden is God-given, I can go on by His grace.)  One woman wrote and said:

I have one-year-old twin boys who have been chronically sick with ear infections and colds for two months, causing them to be whiny and irritable constantly.  I kept telling myself, my husband, and anyone who would listen, “I can’t take it anymore.”  The lie was a self-fulfilling prophecy, and it was stressing me out.  When I finally said, “Yes, I can take it and I will do my duty to them,” the greatest part of the tension and stress I was feeling dissolved.

Dear child of God, your heavenly Father will never lead you anywhere that His grace will not sustain you.  He will never place more upon you than He will give you grace to bear.  When the path before you seems hopelessly long, take leart.  Lift up your eyes (2 Corinthians 3:10, Philippians 3:8).

40.  “It’s all about me.”

In spite of all the talk about poor self-image, our instinctive reaction to life is self-centered: How does this affect me?  Will this make me happy?  Why did this have to happen to me?  What does she think about me?  It’s my turn.  Where’s my share?  Nobdoy cares about my ideas.  He hurt my feelings.  I’ve got to have some time for me.  I need my space.  He’s not sensitive enough to my needs.  It’s not enough for us to be the center of our own universe.  We want to be the center of everyone else’s universe as well–including God’s.  In his book Finding God, Dr. Larry Crabb offers a penetrating analysis of the extent to which the evangelical church has given in to this deception:

Helping people feel loved and worthwhile has become the central mission of the church.  We are learning not to worship God in self-denial and costly service, but to embrace our inner child, heal our memories, overcome addictions, lift our depressions, improve our self-images, establish self-preserving boundaries, substitute self-love for self-hatred, and replace shame with an affirming acceptance of who we are.  Recovery from pain is absorbing an increasing share of the church’s energy.  And that is alarming…

We have become committed to relieving the pain behind our problems rather than using our pain to wrestle more passionately with the character and purpose of God.  Feeling better has become more important than finding God…As a result, we happily camp on biblical ideas that help us feel loved and accepted, and we pass over Scriputre that calls us to higher ground.  We twist wonderful truths about God’s acceptance, his redeeming love, and our new identity in Christ into a basis for honoring ourselves rather than seeing those truths for what they are: the stunning revelation of a God gracious enough to love people who hated him, a God worthy to be honored above everyone and everything else.

…We have reaaranged things so that God is now worthy of honor because he has honored us.  “Worthy is the Lamb,” we cry, not in response to his amazing grace, but because he has recovered what we value most: the ability to like ourselves.  We now matter more than God.

Paul understood that God does not exist for us, but that we exist for Him (Colossians 1:16-18).  His secret was that he had settled the issue of why he was living.  He was not living to please himself or to get his needs fulfilled.  He had one burning passion: to live for the glory and the pleasure of God.  All that mattered to him was knowing Christ and making Him known to others (Acts 20:24).  “To live is Christ.”  Once that was settled, nothign else mattered much.  Coram Deo is a Latin phrase that means “before the face of God.”  Coram Deo is living all of life, in the presence of God, under the authority of God, and to the glory of God.  I want to close this chapter with three sketches fo women who exemplify what it means to live coram Deo.

“Cindy” got married at the age of 18 and had three children by the time she was 21.  When she was in her thirties, as her mother lay in a hospital in a coma, dying of cancer, Cindy picked up a Gideon Bible and cried out to the Lord to help her.  “From that moment on,” she wrote, “my heart’s desire was to know God.”  There was a vicious cycle of abusive behavior and language, her 14-year-old daughter an away from home, and her two sons were in consistent trouble with the police.  She left her husband for two weeks, intending to divorce him; through a series of circumstances, God gave her a new compassion for him, and she returned home.  In the midst of this, Cindy attended a meeting at a nearby church, where she heard the Good News and gave her heart to Jesus.  Things got worse.  Her daughter ended up on the streets for a year, after her dad would not let her back in the house one day.  Subsequently, the daughter married and had five children; she is now going trough a divorce, after 25 years of marriage.  One son was dishonorably discharged from the Marines and spent four years in prison.  The other became a drug addict and was also dishonorably discharged from the military.  He was involved in a homicide in a tavern and spent 22 years in a penitentiary.  Though he made a profession of faith whil in prison, he no longer shows any interest in spiritual things.  Their father is estranged from them, have not spoken to them in years, and does not know his grandchildren and great-grandchildren.  Cindy continues to reflect:

There are no Christmases or Thanksgivings here at home.  Will my family ever be healed?  Only the Lord knows.  But God is Lord of my life, and I believe He wants to use me to be a testimony and a light for my family.  If I don’t kshow them the truth of God’s amazing grace, who will?  It would be so easy to just walk away and go to some isalnd where there is peace and joy.  But God has chosen me to be where I am, to be a testimony to my unsaved husband and to my children.  How can I help my husband see that one day his pride will be taken away and he will have to face Christ?  How can I help my daughter see the truth of God’s unconditional love?  How can I help my eldest son, who has turned his back on God since leaving prison?  How can I help my husband reconcile with his other son and daguther?  Only through God’s power, wisdom, and love.  So with all my heart, mind, body, and soul, I say, “Yes, Lord–whatever You want me to do.”

Jennie Thompson is a young woman whose husband went to be with the Lord after an intense two-year battle with leukemia.  In a letter written three months after Robert’s home-going, this widow with four boys ages seven and under expresses:

The Lord has been faithful in holding us up through this time.  I wouldn’t in a million years have chosen this path for my life or the lives of my children, but we have learned so much  in and through our circumstances that we could never have learned another way.  God has been honored and glorified in a way that never could have happened without our circumstances, so I must praise Him for those circumstances.  God is not in the business of making us “happy”; His business is to receive the glory that is due Him as our Creator and almighty God.  Our happiness is the by-product of being in and doing His will.  That, and only that, is the reason I can be weeping at the graveside of my best friend, my husband, and the father of my children and still be happy.

Janiece Grissom, my dear friend and longtime prayer partner, was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease at the age of 41.  She was the mother of four children, ages 4 to 12.  Invariably, throughout the next ten months, when she would hear my voice, she would say, “Nancy, you’ve really been on my heart!  How can I pray for you?”  By October 1999, she was confined to a recliner, could not use her limbs, and could only speak with difficulty due to losing 50% of her lung capacity.  Again, I was deeply touched by how God-conscious and God-centered this couple was, even as they faced the ravages of this disease.  I remember Janiece saying over and over that evening, “God has been so good to us!”  We sang one of her favorite hymns, “Like a River Glorious.”  On the evening of December 31, having a feeding tube inserted at the hospital months earlier, she could not speak above a whisper.  “But,” Tim said, “the incredible thing is that she is still spending most of her waking hours praying for other people.”  Within a matter of hours, Janiece breathed her last.  She died the way she lived–selflessly loving God and others.  In her mind, it was never about her–her health, her comfort, her future.  It was all about God–all that mattered was glorifying Him through surrendering to His purposes for her life (Philippians 1:20).  Her sole desire reflects what pastor’s wife and author Susan Hunt wrote:

History is the story of redemption.  This story is much bigger than I.  I am not the main character in the drama of redemption.  I am not the point.  But by God’s grace I am a part of it.  My subplot is integral to the whole.  It is far more significant to have a small part in this story than to star in my own puny production.  This is a cosmic story that will run throughout eternity.  Will I play my part with grace and joy, or will I go for the short-run, insignificant story that really has no point?

AFFIRM the Truth:  Philippians 4:11-13, James 1:2-5, 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

No greater capacity for joy and love or for disappointment and pain can be found than in a mother’s heart.  She never stops hoping, dreaming, and longing for that child she once cradled in her arms.  It is in thismost sensitive of relationships–with their own flesh and blood–that many women find themselves particularly vulnerable to deception.  Satan has a vast arsenal of lies that he uses to deceive a woman in relation to her children and her role as a mother.  His intent is not only to place mothers in bondage, but also to pass his deception down to the next generation.

27.  “It’s up to us to determine the size of our family.”

God is the Creator, Author, and Giver of life.  Satan hates life (John 10:10).  He persuaded Adam and Eve to eat the forbidden fruit, knowing that if they did, they would die.  When they gave birth to two sons, Satan incited the elder to murder his younger brother.  Abortion, infanticide, and homosexuality are examples of life-destroying practices that have become widely tolerated througout our culture.  But many have come to accept a number of philosophies and practices that are subtly “antichildren” and “antilife.”

One of the fundamental tenets of feminist ideology has always been the right of a woman to determine for herself if and when she will have children and how many children she will have.  Shulamith Firestone spoke for the movement when she insisted: “The heart of woman’s oppression is her childbearing and childrearing roles.”  The Christian world has been unwittingly influenced by this way of thinking, leading to the legitimization and promotion of such practices as contraception, sterilization, and “family planning.”  As a result, unwittingly, millions of Christian women and couples have helped to further Satan’s attempts to limit human reproduction and thereby destroy life.  As Mary Pride points out in her penetrating book The Way Home:

Family planning is the mother of abortion.  A generation had to be indoctrinated in the ideal of planning children around personal convenience before abortion today, and rightly so.  But the reason we have to fight those battles today is because we lost them thirty years ago.  Once couples began to look upon children as creatures of their own making, who they could plan intotheir lives as they chose or not, all reverence for human life was lost.  Abortion is first of all a heart attitude.  “Me first.”  “My career first.”  “My convenience first.”  “My financial plans first.”  And these exact same choices are what family planning, which the churches have endorsed for  three decades, is all about.

The process by which most people–even “believers”–determine the size of their family is often driven by fear, selfishness, and natural, human reason:

• “How will we ever provide for more children?  We’re barely making ends meet, as it is.  What about college tuition?”
• “I can’t physically handle more children.  I’m exhausted trying to take care of the two I already have.”
• “I just don’t have the patience to handle a lot of children.”
• “If we have more children, we won’t have enough time for us as a couple.”
• ‘My friends [or parents] will think we’re crazy if we have more kids.  They already think we have too many.”
• “If we were to let the Lord decide how many children we should have, we’d have two dozen kids!”

The world says, “Children are a burden.”  God’s Word says children are one of the greatest blessings He can give a couple (Psalm 127:3-5).  Yet we look up to heaven and say, “God, please don’t send any more blessings!”  The world says, “The purpose of marriage is to make you happy.  That may or may not include having children.”  God’s Word, on the other hand, teaches that one of the vital purposes of marriage is to produce children whofear and reverence the Lord (Malachi 2:15).  Childbearing is a basic, God-given role for women (1 Timothy 5:14).  Women will be saved through childbearing (1 Timothy 2:15).  Of course, this is not to suggest that a woman’s eternal salvation is obtained through childbearing.  This verse has the same grammatical construction as Paul’s admonition (1 Timothy 4:16).  Paul is saying that preaching was Timothy’s role, and that perseverance in his calling would accompany genuine conversion.  Preaching was not a means of Timothy’s salvation, but a necessary fruit of it.  Likewise, a woman’s willingness to embrace, rather than shun, her God-given role and calling (”childbearing”) is a necessary fruit that will accompany genuine salvation.  (This is not to say that all women are called by God to marry and bear children, but simply that, generally speaking, this is the central role God has established for women.)

Mary of Nazareth is a beautiful example of a woman who demonstrated faith by her willingnes to bear a child, even when it was not in her timing (Luke 1:38). She said, in effect, “You are my Lord.  I am Your servant.  My body is Yours.”  How thankful I am for a motoher who responded in the same way.  An accomplished musician, when Nancy Sossomon married Art DeMoss at the age  of nineteen, they planned to wait at least five years so she coudl continue her vocal career.  However, within the first five years of their marriage, the Lord gave them six children!  Mary of Nazareth and my mother–these women are a picture of the Lord Jesus, who welcomed children into His life, took time for them, and urged his followers to do the same (Matthew 19:13-15).

28.  “Children need to get exposed to the ‘real world’ so that they can learn to function in it.”

Satan uses the same tactics with parents that he used with Eve.  Satan was right–when Eve ate, her eyes were opened (Genesis 3:5-7); she did learn somethign she had not known before–the experience of evil.  The result of this knowledge was shame, guilt, and alientation from God and her husband.  God never intended that you and I should know evil by experiencing it for ourselves (Romans 16:19).  But Satan says, “You need to taste for yourself.”  He says to parents, “Your children need to taste for themselves.”  The Truth is, our challenge is to bring up children who love God with all their hearts, souls, minds, and strength.  I can’t thank the Lord enough for guiding my parents.  For example, when almost every other little girl was playing with Barbie dolls, we scarcely knew what they were.  She wisely understood that for little girls to play with dolls with fully developed figures would not help to cultivate a godly perspective on sexuality.  When I was a young girl, the nation was in the throes of rebellion, rioting, and revolution.  We were not unaware of these developments, but neither were we hearing about them on the evening news.  My parents believed that some topics were not suitable for children’s minds to ponder, and they felt responsible to shape our views on what was going on in the world. 

The result?  I was a very sheltered young person.  But there are some things I did know that few other young people knew.  I knoew the difference between right and wrong.  I had hidden large portions of Scripture in my heart.  I could sing from memory all the stanzas of many theologically rich hymns.  I had read the biographies of many true heroes–men and women such as Hudson Taylor, George Mueller, William Carey, and Gladys Aylward.  More than that, I had a vital, perosnal relationship with the Lord Jesus. The “faith of our fathers” had become my own.  I’m not boasting–I can’t take any credit–they were gifts from the Lord and from parents who took seriously their responsibility to raise godly daughters and sons.  Children will cultivate an appetite for whatever they are fed in their earliest, formative years.  I can only assume that they have an appetite for what they have been exposed to.

No one would think of taking a young, tender plant and planting it outside on a day like today and have any hope of its surviving.  That’s what a greenhouse is for–to provide an optimum environment for plants to grow.  Then, when their roots have developed and they are strong enough to withstand adversity, they can be transplanted to the outdoors.  When I was seventeen years old, my parents sent me to a secular university in southern California.  I didn’t have an appetitie for anything that wasn’t consistent with the Word of God (Romans 12:2).  I had a heart for the people who believed those things and practiced those lifestyles and wanted to see them come to know the Lord (Romans 12:1-2).  But their ways held no appeal to me.

29.  “All children will go through a rebellious stage.”

The Enemy wants parents to believe there is no hope of their chldren living holy, surrendered lives through their adolescent and young adult years.  Children who know their parents expect them to rebel will likely fulfill that expectation.  The fact is, we are all natural rebels (Psalms 51:5, 58:3, Isaiah 59:2-8).  That’s where the Gospel comes in.  God’s intent was that each successive generation should receive His grace, keep His covenant, and then pass it on to their children.  When seeds of rebellion surface, wise parents do not shrug and say, “I guess all kids ahve to go through this.”  They understand that their children are experiencing physiological an dhormonal changes, but they teach their children how to keep them from ruling their lives (Psalms 103:17, 144:12, Isaiah 54:13).

30.  “I know my child is a Christian because he prayed to receive Christ at an early age.”

Only God knows anyone’s heart.  But He has given us some objective standards by which we may measure a profession of faith.  The essence of true salvation is not a matter of profession or performance; rather, it is a transformation (1 John 2:3-19, 3:10; 2 Corinthians 5:17; Colossians 1:13; Jeremiah 32:40; Hebrews 3:14).  For parents to  assume that their children have been born again when their lives give no such evidence can have several dangerous results (Ephesians 5:5-6).  It can lull those children into a false sense of secuirty about their eternal destiny.  It can keep parents from praying approppriately and waging spiritual battle on behalf of their children’s souls.  It gives rise to a “cheap grace” that demeans the person and blood of Christ.

31.  “We are not responsible for how our children turn out.”

I have observed that the Enemy uses two opposite lies to put parents in bondage.  The first is that they have no control or influence over how their children have turned out–they the situation could not be helped.  Believing this leads parents to throw off personal responsbility and to feel that they are helpless victims.  The second lie is that they are 100% responsible–that it is all their fault.  The Scripture includes accounts of godly men who had ungodly children, as well as ungodly men whose children had a heart for God.  Very little explanation is given for why this is so.  However, we are given some clues that provide insight for parents who want their children to become true followers of Christ.  Even though Lot was a believer, he did not guard his heart; he had an appetite for the things of this world.  By his example, he led his family into a love affair with the world (2 Peter 2:8).  As more than one person has pointed out, “What parents tolerate in moderation, their children will excuse in excess.”

The account of Eli’s family demonstrates the necessity of parents’ establishing godly standards for their children’s behavior and then excercising the necessary discipline to enforce those parameters.  How did a dedicated man of god end up with two such sons (2 Samuel 2:12-17,22)?  We know that at the time of his death, Eli was overweight (1 Samuel 4:18).  Could there be a connection between his lack of physical discipline and his sons’ sin of filling their own bellies with meat they had extorted from those who came to offer sacrifices?  At least on one occasion, Eli confronted his sons about their wicked behavior, but by that time he was “very old” and his sons did not listen to their father’s rebuke (1 Samuel 2:22-25; 29; 3:13). 

These examples do not prove that there is a cause-and-effect relationship between parents’ spirituality and the spiritual outcome in every child.  However, they do illustrate that parents have enourmous influence and are responsible to mold the hearts and lives of their children.  As easy as it is to shift blame to peers, teachers, entertainment, church youth groups, or secular culture, the fact is, we are accountable for the spiritual condition of the flock God has given us to shepherd.  Or course, each individual will one day give account to God for his or her own choices (DeuteronoMy 24:16; Jeremiah 31:29-30).

AFFIRM the Truth:  Psalm 127, Matthew 19:13-15, Psalm 78:1-8, 1 Thessalonians 2:7

 

The problem is not that we have emotions–they are a gift from God.  The problem si that our emotions (unlike God’s) are tainted by the Fall.  The challenge is to let the Spirit of God sanctify us in the realm of our emotions so that they can be expressed in godly ways.

32.  “If I feel something, it must be true.”

The Enemy wants us to believe that if we feel unloved, we are unloved.  If we feel we can’t cope with the pressure, it must be true that we can’t make it.  If we don’t feel saved, then maybe we aren’t.  If we don’t feel forgiven, then we must not be.  The Truth is that, due to our fallen condition, our feelings often have very little to do with reality.  In many instances, feeligns are simply not a reliable gauge of what is actually true.  When we allow them to be tied to our circumstances–which are constantly changing–rather than to the unchangeable realities of God and His Truth, our emotions are prone to fluctuate wildly.

In the midst of the roller coaster ride our emotions sometimes take us on, we have to constantly bring our minds and thoughts back to the Truth.  The Truth is, through faith in the shed blood of Jesus Christ on my behalf, I am forgiven, whether I feel forgiven or not.  He is with me all the time, even when I feel alone and forsaken.  If we want to walk in freedom, we must realize that our emotions are not necessarily trustworthy and be willing to reject any feelings that are not consistent with the Truth (Philippians 4:4-9).

33.  “I can’t control my emotions.”

While it may be true to some degree that we can’t help the way we feel, the Truth is that we don’t have to let our feelings run our lives.  You may not be able to help feeling apprehensive about an upcoming medical exam, but that doesn’t mean you can’t stop worrying and fretting about the outcome.  The Truth is, regardless of what emotions are whirling around inside, by God’s grace, we can choose to fix our minds on Him and to “trust and obey.”  When we do, we will experience His peace and the grace to be faithful, even though our circumstances may not change.  Hannah Whitall Smith writes:

We must choose, without any regard to the state of our emotions, what attitude our will wil take toward God.  We must recognize that our emotions are only the servants of our will.  Our will can control our feelings if only we are steadfastly minded to do so.  Many times when my feelings have declared contrary to the facts, i have changed those feelings entirely by a steadfast assertion of their opposite.  Surging emotions–like a tossing vessel, which by degrees yields to the steady pull of the anchor–finding themselves attched to the mighty power of God by the choice of your will, must sooner or later give allegiance to Him.

The Scripture is filled with divine promises (Matthew 28:20, Philippians 4:19, Isaiah 54:10, John 14:27, Philippians 4:6, 1 Thessalonians 5:18, Matthew 5:44, Mark 11:25; Colossians 3:1-2, 2 Corinthians 10:5b, Isaiah 26:3).

34.  “I can’t help how I respond when my hormones are out of whack.  (It’s understandable to act like a shrew at certain times.)”

If we accept the lie that we can’t control our emotoins, we will also believe we can’t control how we act when we are feeling emotionally vulnerable or out of control.  Not only are we too quick to believe our feelings, we are also far too quick to obey them.  So if we feel like staying up and watching a late-night movie, we do so.  If we don’t feel like getting out of bed the next morning, we pull the covers up over our head and call in sick at work.  If we don’t feel like cooking a meal that night, we call for pizza delivery.  If we don’t feel like cleaning our house, we let it go until the mess is so great we are really depressed.  The problem is, if we cater to our emotions and let them control our actions in these kinds of of daily routines, we wil be more vulnerable to being controlled by our emotions in the major transitions and difficult seasons of life.

Certainly what happens in our bodies does affect us emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually.  We cannot isolate these various dimensions of who we are–they are inseparably intertwined.  But we fall into the trap of the Enemy when we justify fleshly, sinful attitudes and responses based on our physical condition or hormonal changes.  “Don’t let tiredness be an excuse for carnality.”  One of the consequences of the Fall was that childbearing would be accompanied by sorrow and pain.  Childbirth is not the only time those consequences are felt.  For example, the difficulties some women experience associated with their menstrual cycle are a practical reminder of our fallen condition.

But every monthly cycle is also a reminder that God made us women, and that with our womanhood comes the capacity for being a bearer and nurturer of life (Psalm 139:13-16).  He ordained the day you would start menstruation, when and how many times you would be able to conceive, and exactly when you would stop ovulating.  Long before anyone had ever written a book on the subject of menopause or estrogen, Francis de Sales wrote:

Do not look forward to the changes and chances of this life in fear; rather look to them with full hope that, as they arise, God, whose you are, will deliver you out of them.  He has kept you hiterto,–do you but hold fast to His dear hand, and He will lead you safely through all things; and, when you cannot stand, He will bear you in His arms….The same everlasting father who cares for you today, will take care of you to-morrow, and every day.  Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it.  Be at peace then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.

Paul’s prayer can be claimed by women in every season of their live (1 Thessalonians 5:23-24).

35.  “The answer to depression must first be sought in medication and/or psychotherapy.”

Could this be genetic?  Could it be somethign organic or chemical?  Could some kind of demonic activity be involved?  Is there some spiritual truth not grapsed that accoutns for the turmoil and bondage?  Depression is a particularly major issue for women, and the number of sufferers is only growing.  A study of depression and despair in the Scripture reveals that, in some cases, the pain we identify as emotional depression is simply one of the unavoidable consequences of living in a fallen world (Romans 8:22-23).  Much research has been done, but we still have much to learn.  What we do know is that in many cases, physiological symptoms connected with depression are the fruit of issues that are rooted in the realm of the soul and spirit–issues such as ingratitude, unresolved conflict, irresponsibility, guilt, bitterness, unforgiveness, unbelief, claiming of rights, anger, and self-centeredness. 

If these root issues are not addressed God’s way, the consequences will inevitably show up in our bodies and souls, creating very real physical and emotional problems.  Properly administered, medication may help a severely depressed person get stabilized enough to think clearly, providing a window of opportunity for the individual to begin dealing with the issues that created the problem.  But there is no prescription drug that can “fix” the deeper issues of the spirit.  Unfortunately, far too may people view medication as a “solution” for their problem.  If the sufferer does not address those inner heart issues, she cannot hope to ever be truly free.

King Ahab became depressed because he couldn’t get his own way, and Jezebel attempted to pull him out by promising to help him get what he wanted (1 Kings 21:4-7).  The story of Jonah illustrates how depression can be rooted in anger against God’s choices (Jonah 4:1-4).  Hannah was a godly women who became depressed when she had to deal with a combination of unfulfilled longings and a strained relationship over a prolonged period of time (1 Samuel 1:6-7).  King David’s life illustrates that sometimes depression is caused by our own sin (Psalm 32:3-4), while at other times it is simply the pain caused by living in this fallen world (Psalms 55:2-5; 42:3-8).  In his classic book, Spiritual Depression, Dr. Martyn Lloyd-Jones uses this passage to address those who are depressed:

You must say to your soul, “Why art thou cast down”–what business have you to be disquieted?  You must…exhort yourself, and say to yourself: “Hope thou in God”–instead of muttering in this depressed, unhappy way.  And then you must go on to remind yourself of God, Who God is, and what God is and what God has done, and what God has pledged Himself to do.

We discover a passage that provides practical help (James 5:13-16).  The first Truth that stands out is that regardless of how we are feeling or what we are going through, our immediate response should be to turn to the Lord.  After all, It is easier to call a friend for sympathy than to get on our knees with an open Bible.  It is easier to try to mask the pain with excessive food than to choose to deny our flesh.  It is easier to pay for a refill of Prozac than to ask God to show us if we have an ungrateful, demanding, or bitter spirit.  This is not to say that all those other things are wrong.  Physical exercise can be tremendously beneficial.  A physician may be able to detect and help correct a physical problem that is impacting our emotional condition.  But our tendency to look to professionals and pills to solve what, in many cases, are problems of the soul and spirit has left millions of women overmedicated, financially broke, disillusioned, and no better off than when they started.

The second Truth James emphasizes is the importance and role of the body of Christ in ministering help and healing to hurting hearts.  In the last several decades, we have developed a mind-set that only “professionals” are qualified to help people who are plagued with various emotional or mental disorders.  Even many pastors have been made to feel incompetent to deal with these issues and therefore routinely refer troubled counselees to “the experts”–professionally trained psychologists, psychiatrists, or therapists.  I am not suggesting that there is no place for people who have been trained in these fields, if their counsel is rooted in the Word and ways of God.  However, let’s not forget His Word and His Spirit.  We need to learn how to take the ointment of the Word of God.  Confess any sin that may be causing emotional weakness, and be willing to be accountable to the body through the process of healing and restoration.  “Feeling good” is not the ultimate objective in the Christian’s life.  God does not promise that those who walk with Him will be free from all difficult emotions.

AFFIRM the Truth:  Philippians 4:4-8, Colossians 3:1-4, Isaiah 26:3-4, Isaiah 50:10

This past Wednesday James called for dinner and I joined them after FBCC Ladies night (we discussed Chapter 6).  I was expecting only guys as usual, but found to my pleasant surprise that Phoebe, Hannah, and even Diana were there!  Jonathan, Linton, and Peter were there as well.  And I met Sam Tarng, who is currently living where Jing used to live and used to know the twins when they were still in Lubbuck.  He grew up in Plano, TX.  He’s interning here (businnes, accounting..?) for three? months.  Cafe 101 had a drink/appetizer special for $5, so Hannah simply added an appetizer to her drink order. 

Today/Saturday, after going to the library, I came back home to eat lunch (my parents had left to visit Mom’s mom).  Then I drove over to Pastor Dick and Carolyn’s house that they’re renting to help them move.  Daniel and Jeffy were already there, loading up the van to go over to the house the Lee family had bought.  Jamie and Andrew were already there as well, boxing and wrapping dishes.  I helped with the less delicate kitchenware (ie. tupperware).  Then I got the job of emptying the pantry.  We ate leftover vanilla and chocolate cupcakes from “the Quad” from this morning (I’ve no idea what they were talking about).  We snacked on garlic green beans (tasty).  Janet and BJ showed up later, as did Joe.  At the end, we all loaded up our cars and headed to the house to check it out.  It’s 25 years old (the kids will eventually go to Clements High School) but it was nicely revamped recently (the paint was white, with well-done wallpaper for each room, nice kitchen, outside gas line for grilling, large backyard for a pool/gardening/play–Daniel was envious lol).  They were talking about going to the Kee couple’s in Pearland at 4:30 (I guess they didn’t have a full list of the fellowship so I didn’t know about it, but I was too tired anyway to drive to Pearland).

Instead, Linton called at 5:30 to eat dinner at Black Walnut Cafe in Sugar Land with Hannah, Phoebe, Jennifer Yu, Matt Lee, Joanna Yu, and Jennifer Lin.  I went to his house, where we carpooled to pick up Phoebe.  The three of us went to Walnut, where Hannah and Jennifer Lin were waiting.  We got our tables connected then ordered.  I gave Jennifer Yu a couple of birthday envelopes; she gave Hannah some of her wedding invitations to pass out.  I ate at 4pm so wasn’t that hungry.  Joanna listened intently as Phoebe explained social work, which is changing the environment to help people (probably butchered it, sorry!).  It’s really broad, and people can work in both direct and “indirect” services.  Joanna was also thinking of (she currently has a management degree from UT Austin) public affairs.  It’s just that when she initially got her current job she was amazed at how she could be paid for doing what she was doing, yet also helping out with a respected organization.  But now, she is bored out of her mind only working one hour a day.  She spends the rest of the time watching TV and movies on her computer.  Joanna also told Linton about her three-year relationship with Mark.  We stopped by Barnes and Noble then headed to Linton’s house (the Yu sisters and Matt left for a potluck at his church).

James, Sam, and Chris joined us at Linton’s house.  We hung around deciding what to do: Rock Band (Chris already left his apartment and it would’ve been a hassle anyway), a movie, board games….  Sam performed some magic card tricks (the magnet to red/black, slapping with one card remaining, etc).  He learned and perfected them before he went to Mexico on a mission trip.  Phoebe also played “This is the game of snaps” with Hannah and Linton as the guessers (the rest of us observed in curiosity and amazement).  Phoebe was craving a float, and Jennifer Lin was craving cookies, so we went to HEB to buy alcohol, cookies, ice cream, and soda.  We gathered around the table.  Sam and Chris apparently lived pretty close to each other back in Plano and also knew quite a number of the same people (Chris used to go to ACPC?).  They both complained of Houston not having a zoning ordinance, so that commercial buildings are built right next to apartments and houses, which are right next to dilapidated rundowns.  Chris is quite bothered with people asking him for money on the streets.  I found it interesting that the conversation was mostly carried on by the guys (especially Sam) while the girls sat quietly nearby. 

It was quite difficult because I always stay until the very end.  But I had told God I was going to put forth more effort and that I desired to be back on track and all, and that of course definitely included my parents.  ”Obey your parents in the Lord, for this is the first commandment with a promise.”  I had told my mom that I would be home around twelve.  Plus, I wanted it for myself, to sleep on a regular pattern.  I knew that either I was sacrificing time with my friends, or sacrificing again some part of my relationship with my parents and indefinitely with God.  I had to make my choice, so I finally left when the clock hit 12 midnight.  I felt quite uneasy, but I knew it was the right decision.  In fact, I think next time it will be a little easier to choose the better over the good:

• Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—”that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth” (Ephesians 6:1-2).
• “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12).
• “Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you” (Deuteronomy 5:16).

Marriage was designed by God to reflect His glory and His redemptive purposes.  In undermining that sacred institution, Satan struck a forceful blow at God’s eternal plan.  She believed and acted on the lie then turned to her husband and drew him into sin with her.  The implications in their marriage were profound.  The oneness Eve and her husband had experienced in their original state now turned to enmity and animosity–not only toward God, but toward each other.  Instead of providing loving leadership for his wife, the man was now prone to extremes ranging from domineering control to passive detachment.  The protection the woman had been granted under her spiritual “head” was removed, and the independent spirit she had exerted toward God now displayed itself toward her husband, leaving her vulnerable to greater deception:

21. ”I have to have a husband to be happy.”

Like many lies, this is a subtle distortion.  The Truth is that marriage is good and right, that it is God’s plan for most, and that there can (and ought to) be great joy and blessing in the context of a God-centered marriage.  Satan twists this by suggesting that the purpose of marriage is personal happiness and fulfillment.  Once married, many women start to believe a variation of this lie: “My husband is supposed to make me happy.”  They will most certainly be disappointed.  The Truth is that the ultimate purpose of marriage is not to make us happy but to glorify God.  Women who believe they have to have a husband in order to be happy often settle for less than the best that God intended to give them (Psalm 106:15). 

The Truth is that happiness is not found in (or out of) marriage; it is not found in any human relationship.  True joy can only be found through Christ.  God has promised to give us everything we need, and when a husband would make it possible for us to bring greater glory to Him, then He will provide a husband.  Contentment is not having everything we want but in choosing to be satisfied with what God has already provided.  Those who wait on the Lord always get His best.

22.  “It is my responsibility to change my mate.”

Most of us as women are born “fixers.”  This lie takes the focus off a wife’s own needs and her own walk with the Lord–which she can do something about.  Further, it places her focus on someone else’s failures and needs–which she may be able to do very little, if anything, about.  When a wife is preoccupied with trying to correct her husband’s faults and flaws, she is taking responsibility God never intended her to have, and she will most likely end up resentful.  Many Christian wives do not realize that they have two powerful “weapons”: a godly life (I Peter 3:1-4) and prayer.  It’s a lot harder to resist God than to resist a nagging wife!

I love the example of Mary, the mother of Jesus.  Reason led Joseph to conclude that she had been unfaithful to him.  There is no indication that Mary pressured Joseph to believe what she knew God had told her.  Rather, she waited on God and gave Him the opportunity to communicate directly to her husband.  Once the angel appeared to Joseph, he was quick to respond and believe (Luke 2:19).

A woman I had not seen for nearly seventeen years came up to me at a wedding recently and shared, “You told me, ‘It’s not your responsibility to change your husband; that’s God’s responsibility.  Tell your husband what is on your heart and then back off and let God do the rest.’”  She went on to tell me what it had meant for her to wait on the Lord to change her husband.  For sixteen long years, she had prayed and waited, without seeing any evidence that God was hearing or answering her prayers.  Though her husband professed to be a Christian, based on the lack of any spiritual hunger or fruit in his life she questioned whether or not he had a relationship with the Lord at all.  Then, “unexplainably,” after all those years, the Spirit turned on the light and brought about a dramatic change in her husband.  It was as though he had come out of a coma.  All of a sudden, he couldn’t get enough of the Word; he started keeping a notepad with him to record the things God was saying to him through the Word.  Before, she could hardly get him out of bed for breakfast.  Now, he’s going to a men’s prayer meeting at six-thirty every morning!  Recently, he has even talked about the possibility of selling his business so they can spend more time in some form of ministry.

23.  “My husband is supposed to serve me.”

The Truth is that God did not make the man to be a “helper” to the woman but the woman to be a “helper” to the man.  Of course, this does not mean that men are not to serve their wives and children, for men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church.  But if we as women focus on what we “deserve,” on our “rights,” or on what men “ought” to do for us, we will become vulnerable to hurt and resentment when our expectations are not fulfilled.  We are never more like Jesus than when we are serving Him or others.

One of the things that strikes me most about the “virtuous woman” of Proverbs 31 is the fact that she is so utterly selfless.  On first reading fo this passage, one might be tempted to agree that homemakers are an oppressed breed.  But take a fresh look at this woman:

• She is well-dressed (v. 22)
• She and her family have food to eat and enough to share with others (vv. 15,20)
• She lives a well-ordered life; she is emotionally stable and free from fear about the future (vv. 21,25)
• Her husband is crazy about her–he is faithful to her, he feels she is “one in a million” and tells her so, and he brags about her to his friends (vv. 11, 28-29, 31)
• Her children honor and praise her (v. 28)

24.  “If I submit to my husband, I’ll be miserable.”

A wife is to submit herself graciously to the servant leadership of her husband even as the church willingly submits to the headship of Christ.  Satan convinced Eve that if she submitted to God’s direction, she would be miserable and would miss out on something in life.  The Deceiver has doen a masterful job of convincing women that submission is a narrow, negative, and confining concept.  He knows that if we could see the Truth about biblical submission–one of the most liberating principles in all of God’s Word–we would joyfully embrace it. 

Lies about Submission:

1. “The wife is inferior to her husband.”  Both the man and the woman are created in the image of God and privileged to be subjects of His redeeming grace (Genesis 1:27; Galatians 3:28; 1 Peter 3:7).  The responsibility of a wife to submit to her husband’s authority does not make her any less valuable or significant than her husband.
2. “As head of his wife, the husband is permitted to be harsh or dictatorial with his wife.”  Husbands are commanded to love their wives as they love themselves (Ephesians 5:25-29).
3. “The wife is not to provide input or express her opinions to her husband.”  God made the woman to be a “helper suitable” to her husband.  That means he needs her help, her input and insight.  It also means that once a wife has graciously and humbly expressed her heart on a matter, if her husband chooses to act contrary to her counsel, she must be willing to back off and trust God with the consequences of her husband’s decision.
4. “The husband is always right.”  The apostle Peter specifically addresses women whose husbands “do not believe the word.”  The husband must be unsaved, or he may be obedient to God in some area(s) of his life.  The number one means of influencing such a husband is not through persistent reminders but rather through through the power of submission (1 Peter 3:1).

When you tell your two-year-old child he may not walk across the busy street outside your house by himself, you are not being tyrannical.  You are using your authority to protect your child (though he may be oblivious to his need for protection).  This is not to suggest that if a wife stays under authority, she will automatically be protected from suffering or abuse; nor does itmean that abuse is necessarily the result of a woman being out from under rightful authority.  According to the Scripture, it is possible for a righteous, submissive person to suffer persecution, which may  come in the form of abuse (I Peter).

There are some extreme situations where an obedient wife may need to remove herself and/or her children from proximity to her husband, if to remain in that setting would be to place themselves in physical danger.  However, even in such a case, a woman can–and must–maintain an attitude of reverence for her husband but, ultimately, to see God restore him to obedience.  If she provokes or worsens the situation through her attitudes, words, or behavior, she will interfere with what God wants to do in her husband’s life and will not be free to claim God’s protection and intervention on her behalf.  When I am willing to obey Him, to trust God and to place myself under His authority, I find it is not nearly so difficult or threatening to submit to the human authorities He has placed in my life (Proverbs 21:1).

The question is, do we really believe God is bigger than any human authority?  Do we believe He is big enough to change that authority’s heart if necessary?  Do we believe He is big enough to protect usif we take our rightful place under authority?  The Turth, as we have seen in 1 Peter 3:1-2, is that a wife’s submission to her husband makes room for God to work in his heart and bring him to obedience.  A wife’s submission to her husband, regardless of his spiritual condition, actually releases her from fear because she has entrusted herself to God, who has ultimate control of her husband and her situation.  In her rich book The True Woman, Susan Hunt sums up the heart behind submission:

I cannot give logical arguments for submission.  It defies logic that Jesus would release all the glories of heaven so He could give us the glory of heaven.  Submission is not about logic; it is about love.  Jesus loved us so much that He voluntarily submitted to death on a cross.  His command is that wives are to submit to their husbands.  It is a gift that we voluntarily give to the man we have vowed to love in obedience to the Savior we love….

God said that man needs a helper.  The true woman celebrates this calling and becomes affirming rather than adversarial, compassionate rather than controlling, a partner rather than a protagonist.  She becomes substantively rather than superficially submissive.  The true woman is not afraid to place herself in a position of submission.  She does not have to grasp; she does not have to control.  Her fear dissolves in the light of God’s covenant promise to be her God and to live within her.  Submission is simply a demonstration of her confidence in the sovereign power of the Lord God.  Submission is a reflection of her redeption.

25.  “‘If my husband is passive, I’ve got to take the initiative, or nothing will get done.”

This lie ranked number three.  Again, it all goes back to the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:6).  Notice Satan’s strategy to subvert God’s authority structure by going directly to the woman.  She does not acknowledge her husband, who is standing by her side.  She does not say to the Serpent, “I’d like for you to meet my husband” or turn to her husband and ask, “Adam, why don’t you tell him what God said to you.”  She carries on the entire conversation with the Serpent as if her husband were not there.  Further, when it comes time to make a choice, she takes matters into her own hands.  She does not consult with her husband on the matter; she does not ask his input or direction, she simply acts.   And Adam does nothing–he doesn’t interfere, he doesn’t get involved–except to eat some fruit himself when his wife gives it to him.  All of a sudden, we have the first role reversal.  God created the man first and gave him the responsibility to lead and feed those under his care.  The woman, created from the man, was made to be a receiver, to respond to the initiative of her husband.  Even the physiological differences between men and women express this fundamental difference.  Ever since that fateful day in Eden, the natural drive of the woman has been to control her husband, to rule over him, and to act independently of him.  Our natural tendency is to take the reins, to take the initiative ourselves; ironically, however, because of the way God created us, we also long to be responders; we long for our men to take action.

Over the years, women have insisted to me that their husbands’ passivity has “forced” them to take over:

• “My husband won’t work.  If I didn’t go out and get a job, we would starve to death!”
• “If I let my husband take the lead in financial matters, he would drive us into bankruptcy.”
• “He just won’t get involved in the children’s lives.  If I didn’t discipline them and make them do right, they would be out of control.”

Being something of an activist myself, I know what it is to be frustrated by apparent passivity on the part of some men.  I have sat in numerous meetings over the years–with godly men present–biting my tongue to keep from jumping in when I did not feel the men were being decisive enough.  But I can’t help but wonder to what extent we women have demotivated and emasculated the men around us by our quickness to take the reins.  We can so easily strip men of the motivation to rise to the challenge and provide the necessary leadership.  To make matters worse, when they do take action, the women they look to for encouragement and affirmation correct them or tell them how they could have done it better.  The fact is, in most cases, if the woman is going to take charge, the man is going to stand by and let him, as pointed out by Elizabeth Rice Handford:

Most men hate “scenes.”  They despise confusion and disorder.  They will go to almost any length to have peace in their homes.  They will let a woman have her way rather than argue and quarrel.  But the price a man has to pay is the price of his manhood.  Before you complain that your husband won’t take the leadership of your home, search your heart carefully.  Do you really rely on his judgment?  Are you willing to commit yourself to his decisions?  If not, don’t complain that he will not lead.  For the sake of peace, he may not fight for his authority.

You think you have to work because he won’t get a job?  If he gets hungry, he will probably work!  You feel you have to take charge of the finances because he is irresponsible with money?  He may go bankrupt.  But that may be exactly what it takes for God to get his attention and change his character.  You must be willing to let him fail–believing that ultimately, your security is not in your husband but in a sovereign God.

Sarah is lifted up in the Bible as an example of a woman who reverenced and obeyed her husband.  However, on at least one occasion, when God did not act as quickly as she felt He should, she fell into the traip of trying to handle matters on her own.  She put pressure on her husband to take action and resorted to a common practice of the day (Genesis 16:1-2).  But it didn’t take long for the situation to turn sour, leading Sarah to go back to Abraham and blame him (Genesis 16:5).  We can do the same, but we usually end up even resenting those we feel pushed us into taking action.  We must learn to wait on the Lord (Psalm 27:14).

26.  “Sometimes divorce is a better option than staying in a bad marriage.”

The Enemy often leads us to believe that there is not “right” way to deal with a seemingly hopeless situation.  The fact is, marriage is hard, and good marriages are even harder.  Every married couple is “incompatible”–if for no othe reason than that men and women are vastly different, not to speak of the fact that every marriage involves two people who are naturally selfish.  So your brand-new husband forgets the two-year anniversay of the day you first met.  To nurse the offense, rather than choosing to forgive and release it, is to become vulnerable to deception that grows.  The wife has convinced herself that her husband is totally (or mostly) at fault.  She is blind to her own faults, equally in need of God’s grace.  Further, her life revolves around herself–her happiness and her hurts.  She does not have a vision for how God could use her as an instrument of grace in her husband’s life–or she is unwilling to pay the price to be that instrument.  The Truth is…

• There is no marriage God cannot heal.  There is no person God cannot change.
• The primary purpose of marraige is to glorify God and reflect His redeeming, covenant love.
• True love is unconditional.  Love is not a feeling; it is a commitment.  By God’s grace, we can choose to love anyone.
• Marriage is a covenant, and God is a covenant-keeping Go (Jeremiah 11:10, Ezekiel 20:16, Hosea 2:13).  The Lord Jesus keeps His promises to His bride–the church–even when we are unfaithful.
• Your faithfulness and willingness to extend sacrificial love to your mate may be the means of his spiritual healing, even as Christ’s suffering was the means by which we were healed (1 Peter 2:24-25, 1 Corinthians 7:12-14).

AFFIRM the Truth:  Mark 10:6-9; Proverbs 31:10-12; Ephesians 5:22-24, 32-33; 1 Peter 3:1-6

Not the television series season finale tonight.  That’s just how I describe how I’ve been feeling for quite some time.  And that’s what I’ve been telling people.  Like I wrote in an email three weeks ago when asked for a prayer request:  “On a personal note, I still feel lost, but it’s not this big suffocating weight and desperation, and I don’t really think it’s a bad thing either.  Still, I think what was said at Bible study was right on target, I really don’t even know what to specify except that I really haven’t touched that Bible in forever.  I used to read it every day.  So that is a step.  But just everything is on my mind really, like counseling and church and career and stuff….”  Before, it was this feeling of desolation that would be the catalyst of a stampede of thoughts that no one cares (e.g. second-guessing my friends and family, perceiving past gatherings from under the shadow of a dark cloak).  Just as Phoebe knows her fear of the stage is irrational, I know these thoughts are irrational, but it still doesn’t much help with untangling that knot during the deer-in-headlights moment.  Depression is irrational!  Or is it?  I remember Hannah made a comment after watching Lifting the Veil, saying she somewhat believes that some who have depression are more in tune with reality than us “normal” people because we “ignore” the atrocities and stick with an “illusion” of rosiness in order to not go “crazy.”

“Keep Breathing”
by Ingrid Michaelson

The storm is coming but I don’t mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that i know is I’m breathing now.

I want to change the world…instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I’m breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that I know is I’m breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

Anyway, I guess this is as good a time as any to at least sort a smidgen in my mind/heart/spirit:

COMMUNITY
Genesis 35:11

Last Thursday I drove my parents to Austin to pay a last visit before my brother left for one week (to visit his former roommate), to give him his luggage (so he can pack), and to clean out his fridge (because he can leave food on the stove and not ever eat or clean it out).  My brother and I are very close.  We grew up with the same parents and familial history, in the same household, went to the same school for awhile, even were in the exact class and period for a class or two in high school (personal tutor, baby!).  We initially hung out with the majority of the same acquaintances (and lack thereof) and shared in the same struggles regarding church and friends and connectedness that we still discuss to this day, many times while in his room chatting up to the wee hours of the night/morn and our parents would come and say time to go to bed!  We are considerably different when you meet us, no doubt, as I am more like our mother and he is more like our father.  And in fact since high school we have led very different lives and rarely hang out or even talk with the same people, friends, or each other.  Nonetheless, during those occasional phone calls, I would say that I still feel close and  would still reveal much embarrassing/humbling/shameful things to him.

By the way, he had moved into a new apartment (from the urgings of his currently ex-girlfriend) and bought some furniture.  Where did they come from?  The famous Craigslist.  I have never been to the site, but many many people have made references to it.  From my understanding, it’s a virtual (that sometimes eventually leads to a physical) place where people can sell and exchange practically anything, from sofas and endtables to jobs, pets, and discussions.  It reminds me of Facebook and Myspace, two sites which Jennifer Garcia is part of and asked me if I was as well (I’m not, and actually most people in FBCC don’t have Facebook).  I’m not part of Craigslist, either, but is it something to BE a part of?  But those in Facebook and Myspace are still part of that network since they are still signed up in it, right?  Am I still part of Xanga if I decide I won’t write in it anymore (no activity), even if I have two blogs hosted on it?  You used to need an account to leave a comment, but now you don’t.  Do those who have never signed up part of Xanga if they leave a million comments on others’ Xanga blogs?  What does it mean to be part of a community?  What does it mean to be part of a church, and to be part of His Church?

FELLOWSHIP
Acts 2:42-47

I have been faithfully attending church services on Sundays since childhood.  But this past January, since I’ve always hated it (since middle school and El Paso, and even in Austin), I made a conscious decision to just stop going.  I made no effort to wake up earlier than usual, and even if I did, I didn’t even consider the possibility of perhaps attending.  Not until I figure out which church to attend regularly (do I want to stick with FBCC with its new chapter?), why I feel the way I do about it (is it the environment, the specific social situation?), and my reasons for going.  Three Sundays ago, I told Tiffany that though I haven’t really been communing with God lately, and though I have never ever exactly lauded FBCC, I have come to the conclusion to return to FBCC.  Now I have to dissect what that entails.

Regardless of its vagueness, it was a difficult decision.  Vickie is in San Antonio, so that’s why she says she continues to attend WHCC (her default).  However, she says that when she returns to a more permanent stay in Houston, she’ll move to Access, which is where Phoebe and Linton are fellowshiping now.  Access is starting out as a small but highly committed group.  When it grows in size, how will it look like?  Are people still going to connect?  To start off last fall, Pastor Ted asked his congregants to read The Celtic Way of Evangelism: How Christianity Can Reach the West…Again by George G. Hurton III.  In it, the key to evangelism is through understanding and living as a fellowship among the people, and in time they will open their hearts to the God who knows them.  The old Roman way was for people to believe before they can belong, while the new Celtic way is for you to belong and eventually believe.  In other words, the community and not an individual brings you to Christ.  In many ways, it’s easier to tell someone the Gospel than it is to take someone where s/he consistently experiences the Gospel.

How do we belong?  I sure feel like I belong to WHCC and HCC more than FBCC.  I know I am at fault for not terribly trying much, but even though I don’t really try, I get invited to their birthday parties, their holiday celebrations, and their event gatherings.  They even apologize profusely for forgetting to add me onto their list and making sure I am included next time.  On the flip side, I try the hardest with FBCC (but not my hardest in general) by calling and emailing them to contact me to hang out, and instead I’ve come to expect voicemail and oh yeah, this is what we’re doing right now, if you want to come.  Is it because at least one or two people keep track of me at WHCC and HCC, but no one does here at FBCC?  That could make all the difference.  Or is it that I expect more (and keep a record of wrongs?) because I have decided to be included at FBCC but I am nonchalant with whether I am invited to WHCC or HCC?  I remember back in January there was a slew of WHCC birthdays, and then in February there was a slew of FBCC birthdays.  Somehow, I ended up going to the WHCC ones but not the FBCC ones as much; I don’t remember now, but at the time was it due to scheduling conflicts or did I finally decide to attend the WHCC ones because I was more comfortable with them?  What does it mean to expect the worse but hope for the best?  How do you have high expectations but….? 

When I entered college, I checked out a handful of Christian gatherings.  I joined a small group that was part of the then-called Chinese Bible Study because it was the thing to do and everyone kept emphasizing them.  Our group fell apart,one by one, until it was just the Bible study leader, me, and this girl who was highly committed and hadn’t yet accepted Jesus.  I felt sorry, but that wasn’t going to cut it, so I left highly disappointed and joined CCC.  Later, I learned that one of the girls who wasn’t that much of a believer became good friends with Kara and eventually made an amazing transformation through His grace.  The thing is, though you can encourage group ownership, it sure can’t be forced.  Anyone knows nagging doesn’t work, although we find ourselves doing it.  Haven’t you noticed with some you just click instantly and with others you don’t?  Some people find you dull, while others find you exciting, or at least around them somehow you light up.  Even if you give all the time you can, with all the sincerity and effort, with both of you seeking, even if you lived near each other.  Reminds me of that girl from Chicago: we had an affinity towards each other so we’d decide to meet up and all, but anyone can tell from our conversations that somehow we just weren’t clicking.  Eventually we both decided without words to call it off.  She was a smart and pretty girl; I wonder where she is now after UT Austin pre-pharm classes.

Maybe we’re defining incorrectly.  Back in high school, I was elected to be the Science Club president, with a new teacher sponsor.  It bothered me that our definition of a member was someone who paid the fee.  There were those who were super dedicated, coming and helping at every single event, while others never showed up but they did pay the money.  I didn’t enjoy being president, so for me to keep everything running was as good as it was going to get, not trying to change their pre-existing system.  Magnificat has an application process but afterwards you’re in for life.  Even with years of hiatus you are always wlecome to come back and use the resources.  I met Annie Shen at an HCC gathering, and she says she hangs out with HCC, serves in her home Asian church, and then attends a more American (or African-American?) church on Sunday mornings.  Seems fragmented and yet, is that something I want to imitate?  In a way, her method demonstrates that we together are the Bride of Christ.  Vickie’s always running around hanging out with all these groups because we are all interconnected (actually, if left to my own devices, I really don’t care to make new friends). 

Indeed, it is impossible to know everyone, even within a single church building (”Abandon Committees, Skip Teams, and Embrace Communities” by George Bullard), so is there significance in “choosing” a church?  Are we to attend, serve, and gather within one?  What does the modern-day “fellowship of the believers” look like?  I think my problem would be choosing, because many times events have been booked for the same weekend.  Do I even it out?  Or instead, focus?  Still, I remember in the past when someone at FBCC needed a bone marrow transplant due to leukemia; the whole church gathered together.  We have also drawn together to fundraise for missions we support.  And the Chinese churches have gathered together for events as well (although it appears that FBCC does that less than the others).  Our mechanic, dentist, realtor, and family physician all were borne from the network of these Chinese churches.  It’s like “The New Science of Networks” by Albert-Laszlo Barabasi (who wrote it after reading “The Strength of Weak Ties“ by Mark S. Granovetter).

Still, when I went to RecWeek it was a big deal since I didn’t commit myself to InterVarsity but to CCC:EPIC (who has their own similar conference: DWC)–the IV leader went to the CCC leader to make sure they knew about me and it was okay with them!  Actually, it is the close relationships I formed in EPIC, not IV, that continue to live on.  I’ve still visited Josh, sent a card to Jonathan Le, had a few meals with prayers and talks of our spiritual struggles with Marie when she stops in town, and exchanged sparse emails with Iris.  Which reminds me: before the birth of EPIC, Alice and I were part of a CCC cell group.  The concept is that, as it grew, it would split and thus multiply.  We had to decide who we wanted to go with: Ophelia or Kristen.  I couldn’t decide at all.  Eventually, on the Jester steps, Iris poured out her heart and tears and basically begged me to be part of the one she had chosen.  I don’t remember if I had chosen one yet at this point, or if I ended up choosing the one that she asked me to be a part of, but I just remember this particular heart-wrenching moment.  I’ve never felt so loved and accepted.  And then, even leaving a comment on a random Xanga where they just started their own EPIC, I never would have imagined that eventually she would pray for my sins, and then point me (with Rudi) to spent one night of our two-week road trip at a stranger’s apartment.  Not only did this sister in Christ open her place for us and provide hospitality, she also prayed for and over us.

FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS
Luke 15:1-7

Perhaps Josh had a better glimpse of how this all operates when he wrote his journal entry on seasonal friendships.  On the snowboarding trip, not only did I reinforce previous friendships but also forged new ones.  Liz prayed for me when she didn’t even know me, only because she knew I needed the spiritual support.  Now we still exchange postcards and emails.  I haven’t spoken to Ruth since I’ve moved back from El Paso; she was a wonderful roommate.  During the student orientation at UT Austin, somehow I ended up hanging with a Hispanic girl and an African-American guy.  I remember the incident when we were eating some free food in a large banquet hall, and he said that he really stood out.  “Because we’re under the skylight?”  “No, because I’m the only black person in this room.”  It was really nice to not be alone and to share the experience with others in the same boat.  I remember her waving at me later, and he visited my dorm freshman year, but now I don’t even remember his or her names (or faces….).  When we graduated, Sapna gave me an old photograph of when the three of us (including Reena) were in second grade? and I had played this detective game with them by planting clues: ”It takes a long time to grow an old friend.”  Back in high school, Carla Ortiz gave me this:  “Thanks for being my friend & for being the caring person that you are to me.  Your the GREATEST friend.  Happy B-day to a friend that means ALOT to me.”  I remember thinking, this is so out of nowhere!  I don’t recall any conversations we’ve had in the past, and ever since I have not a clue what’s going on with her.  She says I’m such a great friend to her, but how?  I know many times I’m nice to those I really would prefer never to hang out with again, but with her it wasn’t even that….

I remember back in Austin, Timmy Chui wrote about The Atomic Tiers of Friendship haha; wonder where he got his ideas.  Phoebe and Hannah have been gone for a week in Hong Kong and will be gone for another week.  I have been contemplating our relationships since I’ve been back at my parents’ place for the time being.  Phoebe and I grew close first semester of freshman year and then agreed to an accountability relationship thereafter until I moved to El Paso.  Hannah and I gelled a connection after her 22nd birthday while exchanging deep, dark, familiar yet unsimilar, privacies.  We’ve hung out I think usually once a week together on the weekends, but of course it’s not like before.  I think other acquaintances (not “friends”) know more about them than I do at this point.  I’m not exactly pining for the days gone by but rather how to take those spontaneous moments along into the future, how to cultivate the environment for our older selves in new stages, for the sake of the gospel, for our children.

I mentioned that we should be neighbors so our kids can play together.  Linton said, “But you don’t even have a boyfriend!.”  Indeed, I’m not even close to marrying, let alone having children.  I never really got to know my neighbors, but it turns out that I know a little more (thanks to my dad) than Phoebe and Hannah do about theirs (they say they’re new).  Linton has to feed their dog Missy, but it seems that in the past (or at least in media), the neighbor usually handles that role.  As I drive towards Dulles Avenue, I always pass a driveway packed with boys who have grown tall and lanky!  I don’t know who lives there, but I’ve seen African-American guys, Asian-American guys, and white guys all playing basketball together.  When Gilmore Girls first came out, what drew me was not only the intelligent banter but the concept that they lived in a (too) close-knit town.  Everyone would eat at the local Luke’s Diner, and then people could hang out on their front porches and say hello to those walking by.  But they sure had a lot of gossip.  (And, as Phoebe said, when Dean made love to Rory, we were shocked.  So much for a clean series.)  I absolutely adored the neighborhood playground my brother and I frequented as children.  Okay, so maybe this concept is now dangerous in this day and age.  Then you can have those “gated communities” that Jessica/Robert/Rosemery (and my brother) are in (compare with the med center condos that Alison/Wilson/Cindy live in).

MARRIAGE
Ephesians 5:22-33

I always say that I feel more comfortable around guys than girls (verus for Linton he says he grew up feeling more comfortable around girls than guys).  The past few weeks I wonder how I came to that conclusion, both mentally and subconsciously in how I act.  I mean, I hung out with both while in school (and senior year it was a table of all females during lunch, man I miss Arlene and oh, her birthday was this past Sunday), and at church it wasn’t like the guys in my class treated me better than the girls.  I would also say that I have more guy friends than girl friends, yet if I lost my guy friends I would be sad but not as devastated as if I were to lose a friendship with a girl. 

Chris Sun is a prime example.  In fact, I’m almost hesitant to call him a friend.  Is he more of a…frequent acquaintance?  Seriously, the only reason we hang out is through Linton (and satellite friends).  I have a [funny] birthday card that he gave me freshman year.  Little did I know then how rare that is.  Yet he’s probably going to be one of Linton’s groomsman, and I did invite him to my birthday dinner, I guess to even it out.  I also invited Nathan Kim, and we rarely talk.  In fact, we just see each other at football and usually don’t even exchange words.  But I know if I am in need of prayer or other help, he will respond, as he always emails back amidst his numerous activities.  And then there are Andrew, Nathan, and Inch.  Well, I haven’t been in contact with them for quite a long time now, but it’s okay.  I think I feel closer to them than the other people I’ve met from football simply because I met them through Vickie, and somehow that changed the dynamics in how I associate with them, like sending them Christmas cards.

Haha, remember when Tina Chen thought that David Kalloor and I were dating because he’d come over so often freshman year before either of us made many new friends?  It never occurred to me, and I never ever did/will have that thought concerning him.  Whereas with Siwei we, I have no idea how, hit it off right off the bat (where/when/who).  I could tell him everything that I tell my brother–that’s how close I felt with him.  But I barely met him.  At first I clung to thinking, “What does it mean to know my husband?” but like friendships, there are those you just click with and those you don’t.  So I’ve let go of that.  When I said no in Austin to a sweet guy who asked me out, he asked if it was because he didn’t believe in God.  “No, I’m just not attracted to you.”  Somehow, I didn’t feel it.  

Although, I think that has to do with our current culture.  If parents don’t approve of your choice nowadays, that’s usually overlooked instead of trying to reconcile.  In past customs (like the dowry) and in prevailing traditions (like the father “giving away” the daughter) though, it’s really a relationship between the two families, if not also between/within churches (The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony by Pamela Paul), dating with the approval of your community, who is in the place to help you weigh in the other factors of values and also keep you accountable.  That’s probably why Erwin and I are somewhat okay when thinking about arranged marriages.  I think the problem occurs when they make match