Category Archive

Friday.  Christina Tam and I met at Borders so we could carpool to watch Slant.  Craig Wen and Brian Thao-Huane were there, too.  I skipped out on FBCC’s monthly social: Iron Chef!  The secret ingredient was mango, and I heard the results were better than expected.  Jacky called at around 9pm to ask if I could watch their belongings while they did a run the next morning.  Uh..sure….

Saturday.  Christina and I again met at Borders to carpool to Jacky’s apartment, where Ted drove us four to be at Minute Maid Park at 7am.  They prepared, clipping on their running numbers, drinking water in the small cups being passed out, and stretching amongst the air “people” that would occasionally hit us (the way the air was blown and all).  We saw a man on stilts pretend he was a super-tall person, making balloon animals.  The girl and guy bunny suits wearing Astros attire came around to take pictures with the kids and whoever else wanted.  I’ve never participated in this sort of thing, so Jacky explained how it worked.  He paid $25 to participate, but they would get two free Astros tickets with an option of choosing from four games in the future (June 10, 11, 24, and/or 25).  They give you a timer that will start as soon as you step onto their carpet they have at the starting line and would stop when you step on the carpet at the finish line.  Some runs ask you to return the trakcer/timer, but this time they said the runners/walkers could keep it.  This is Ted’s first time, and afterwards he looked pretty winded (was it his knee, since he had a brace on? didn’t ask).  Jacky ran ahead.  Denver stayed with Ted. 

Christina needed coffee, so we walked around downtown.  We saw the “oasis” in front of Christ Church Cathedral–Christina couldn’t believe such a nice place in the middle of downtown.  She said she’d still feel unsafe walking around by herself, if I wasn’t with her.  I also saw some people waiting outside the Urban League.  We finally found this free-standing building all by itself on one side of the street to be Starbucks (good thing we used the map that the city provides atop the sidewalk, thank you Houston!).  At 8am, I bought her a drink (a grande mmchip frapp for $4.50), then we rested for a few minutes (she was carrying her papers to be graded in a backpack, then she volunteered to also carry Jacky’s, Ted’s, and my belongings–heavy!).  We headed back, realizing the run had pretty much ended (that was fast).  We had to walk all the way around since the doors were locked.  When we entered, a wave of stench (sweat and gym) hit my nose (never liked that smell).  Denver saw us, and Jacky encouraged us to get some food (he had his shirt off–not that it was attractive because I barely glanced, but that always makes me feel uncomfortable for some reason).  I stood in line for some lettuce wrap with meat on top (reminds me of that Chinese dish).  Jacky said there were also kolaches, so I stood in line for that.  They lady said, “Ham and cheese?”  Sure.  “Two?”  Sure….  JT said hi, and I think his girlfriend is Heidi.  She looks really familiar but I don’t know why.  Khon-Whey Tay was there with his two friends (they’re a couple of..Asian Indian descent?).  I wanted some fruit and found a pear within the tubs of water/ice/water bottles.  Was it supposed to be there?  I put it back, unsure of it’s cleanliness.  Later, after seeing many runners carrying fruit,  I realized I could use the water from the bottled water to clean it, but the pear was not there anymore.  Ah well.

I was so incredibly tired, even though I didn’t even participate, but since I wanted to have a somewhat normal sleeping pattern, I was determined to stay awake and not take a nap.  Christina and I went to Lowe’s to check out movies and their times.  Nothing particularly interested both of us, so we went to Fuddruckers at 11am.  By the time we arrived at her apartment, we would’ve completely missed the beginning of the movies we were debating on (sure bad at estimating time huh?).  We watched Stardust on her computer while eating lunch (I ate the big dog with chili and cheese while got the burger/fries/shake combo).  Phoebe called to watch the new Narnia movie.  So Christina quickly reviewed through the first Narnia movie on her computer, supplementing with verbal summarizations.  Then I browsed her books (she’s an English teacher at Kempner).  I asked about Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf.  She has no idea why the play references that; she was famous in the literary world and the title is a play on “who’s afraid of the big bad wolf?”  She took a nap while I looked Woolf up: “Dreadnought Hoax was a practical joke pulled in 1910 by Horace de Vere Cole and five friends, including Virginia Stephen (later Virginia Woolf)…Modern diagnostic techniques have led to a posthumous diagnosis of bipolar disorder…The ethos of Bloomsbury discouraged sexual exclusivity, and in 1922, Woolf met Vita Sackville-West.”  She committed suicide.

Christina suddenly got up and realized that it was time to go.  Good going, Christina.  She, Phoebe, Linton, Hannah, Tina, James, Jonathan, and I watched Prince Caspian at 4:30pm at Lowe’s (barely missed the matinee price for movies before 4pm on Saturdays).  Christina left because she was pretty wiped out.  Chris was at work.  I joined them (and Ariel came, too) at Avalon Diner for dinner at 9pm.  I got the turkey/avocado omelette for $10.  They ran out of the recommended-by-the-waitress dish of steak and eggs.  Hannah’s order was right, but James and Jonathan’s dishes were a bit mismatched–Jonathan wasn’t bothered much, just got the pork version.  The main question discussed for the evening was, “If you didn’t believe in Jesus, what religious would you follow?”  Here’s the breakdown: Phoebe said Unitarian Universalism (or Ba’hai or whichever incorporates getting along with all religions, obviously none of us know much), Linton said Mormonism (he arrived back today from Utah for business), and I think the rest of them said atheism (or James said burning incense to ancestors).  I said atheism/agnosticism.

We walked to Borders and sat for a bit (Hannah checked to see if there were any sales).  Then Tina jumped on another’s suggestion to walk to the water, “Yes, Tina needs to walk.”  The girls chatted about clothing (I think Ariel’s going to a wedding), then Tina suggested we get ice cream since Hannah regretted not ordering a shake.  Cold Stone Creamery was near Lowe’s, so we spanned the entire complex I guess.  James is always asking if something is junk food or not, or making explanations that it isn’t junk food.  Yeah….  “Not today” says Jonathan, since he got some.  Hannah got coffee with heath (yum).  Hannah mentioned a quarterlife crisis, which James somewhat related.  Linton says he hasn’t reached there yet, that he is still on the way up/forward to something.  LOL, it was funny how James said that he loved it when he resigned.  I got home at midnight and crashed.

Sunday.  Charles and I drove to Elliot’s house, where the three of us met up to carpool.  (Elliot couldn’t convince Ed to come, and so Pepsi didn’t come either.)  Charles drove us to pick up Henry from his apartment then headed to Jack In the Box at 1212 for lunch.  I ordered four grilled chicken strips for $4.64 (felt like a ripoff).  Then we got to MFAH at 1pm.  We browsed around until 1:30, when they started seating us to watch Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind.  The guys talked about having dirt on each other (and Ed Ly) and using it against each other, revealing it, etc.  We looked at the pamphlet they gave out for this Target Free Sunday (comparing the pictures of plants to their names).  Christina suddenly appeared and sat to my right right when the lights dimmed at 2pm.  I liked the movie because she was really going for understanding.  And she was amazing in all her abilities, as Lord Yupa already professed at the beginning of the movie.  Indeed, “What are you so afraid of?”  A lot of violence is borne out of fear of “the other.”  Henry says she should’ve died (there were Christian undertones), but Elliot said, “No, she has to live, so I can marry her” LOL!  Hey, she’s like Rocky and Gandhi put together, as Dave would say it, haha!  Who wouldn’t find her attractive?

Afterwards we went around to the exhibits (Pompeii wasn’t free).  Elliot teased Henry when he tried to explain one of the drawings on the wall, that the explanation didn’t exactly match what was written on the author plaque.  One artist painted Egypt abstractly (I don’t ever get it, so they make me annoyed).  We spent quite some time in the Korean exhibits.  Henry said he really liked the small wall-mounted plaque statue of the elephant in the other Asian exhibit.  Lastly, we observed the poles that important people carry/use.  Each had something on the top, so there were explanations.  Elliot really liked the one that went like, “Holding a kingdom is like holding an egg; hold it too hard and it’s crushed, hold it too loose and it will fall and break.”  Henry said he liked the quote that went something like, “A crab doesn’t give birth to a bird.”  The one that got me thinking was, “The hen knows it is dawn but lets the rooster crow.”  Christina found it to be anti-feminist.  Jacky called, so I called Wilson about football.  We sat around discussing the next step (board game?  buy Ziggity?  eat?).  Christina suggested we eat, Elliot of course suggested Fuddruckers (to which Christina got all excited about), Henry suggested Niko-Niko’s, and Charles jumped on that and made the decisive push to leave (5:30 pm).  I got the Hercules Plate.  Then we all left for home.  Charles stayed with Elliot to help him with his Microsoft Word.  I end up napping from 7:30 until 9 pm (sigh, so much for trying to stay up until nighttime).  Lil goo-goo took the trash out and left for her workplace.  I watched Dead Like Me because it was the only thing on and then went back to bed.

Not the television series season finale tonight.  That’s just how I describe how I’ve been feeling for quite some time.  And that’s what I’ve been telling people.  Like I wrote in an email three weeks ago when asked for a prayer request:  “On a personal note, I still feel lost, but it’s not this big suffocating weight and desperation, and I don’t really think it’s a bad thing either.  Still, I think what was said at Bible study was right on target, I really don’t even know what to specify except that I really haven’t touched that Bible in forever.  I used to read it every day.  So that is a step.  But just everything is on my mind really, like counseling and church and career and stuff….”  Before, it was this feeling of desolation that would be the catalyst of a stampede of thoughts that no one cares (e.g. second-guessing my friends and family, perceiving past gatherings from under the shadow of a dark cloak).  Just as Phoebe knows her fear of the stage is irrational, I know these thoughts are irrational, but it still doesn’t much help with untangling that knot during the deer-in-headlights moment.  Depression is irrational!  Or is it?  I remember Hannah made a comment after watching Lifting the Veil, saying she somewhat believes that some who have depression are more in tune with reality than us “normal” people because we “ignore” the atrocities and stick with an “illusion” of rosiness in order to not go “crazy.”

“Keep Breathing”
by Ingrid Michaelson

The storm is coming but I don’t mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that i know is I’m breathing now.

I want to change the world…instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I’m breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that I know is I’m breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

Anyway, I guess this is as good a time as any to at least sort a smidgen in my mind/heart/spirit:

COMMUNITY
Genesis 35:11

Last Thursday I drove my parents to Austin to pay a last visit before my brother left for one week (to visit his former roommate), to give him his luggage (so he can pack), and to clean out his fridge (because he can leave food on the stove and not ever eat or clean it out).  My brother and I are very close.  We grew up with the same parents and familial history, in the same household, went to the same school for awhile, even were in the exact class and period for a class or two in high school (personal tutor, baby!).  We initially hung out with the majority of the same acquaintances (and lack thereof) and shared in the same struggles regarding church and friends and connectedness that we still discuss to this day, many times while in his room chatting up to the wee hours of the night/morn and our parents would come and say time to go to bed!  We are considerably different when you meet us, no doubt, as I am more like our mother and he is more like our father.  And in fact since high school we have led very different lives and rarely hang out or even talk with the same people, friends, or each other.  Nonetheless, during those occasional phone calls, I would say that I still feel close and  would still reveal much embarrassing/humbling/shameful things to him.

By the way, he had moved into a new apartment (from the urgings of his currently ex-girlfriend) and bought some furniture.  Where did they come from?  The famous Craigslist.  I have never been to the site, but many many people have made references to it.  From my understanding, it’s a virtual (that sometimes eventually leads to a physical) place where people can sell and exchange practically anything, from sofas and endtables to jobs, pets, and discussions.  It reminds me of Facebook and Myspace, two sites which Jennifer Garcia is part of and asked me if I was as well (I’m not, and actually most people in FBCC don’t have Facebook).  I’m not part of Craigslist, either, but is it something to BE a part of?  But those in Facebook and Myspace are still part of that network since they are still signed up in it, right?  Am I still part of Xanga if I decide I won’t write in it anymore (no activity), even if I have two blogs hosted on it?  You used to need an account to leave a comment, but now you don’t.  Do those who have never signed up part of Xanga if they leave a million comments on others’ Xanga blogs?  What does it mean to be part of a community?  What does it mean to be part of a church, and to be part of His Church?

FELLOWSHIP
Acts 2:42-47

I have been faithfully attending church services on Sundays since childhood.  But this past January, since I’ve always hated it (since middle school and El Paso, and even in Austin), I made a conscious decision to just stop going.  I made no effort to wake up earlier than usual, and even if I did, I didn’t even consider the possibility of perhaps attending.  Not until I figure out which church to attend regularly (do I want to stick with FBCC with its new chapter?), why I feel the way I do about it (is it the environment, the specific social situation?), and my reasons for going.  Three Sundays ago, I told Tiffany that though I haven’t really been communing with God lately, and though I have never ever exactly lauded FBCC, I have come to the conclusion to return to FBCC.  Now I have to dissect what that entails.

Regardless of its vagueness, it was a difficult decision.  Vickie is in San Antonio, so that’s why she says she continues to attend WHCC (her default).  However, she says that when she returns to a more permanent stay in Houston, she’ll move to Access, which is where Phoebe and Linton are fellowshiping now.  Access is starting out as a small but highly committed group.  When it grows in size, how will it look like?  Are people still going to connect?  To start off last fall, Pastor Ted asked his congregants to read The Celtic Way of Evangelism: How Christianity Can Reach the West…Again by George G. Hurton III.  In it, the key to evangelism is through understanding and living as a fellowship among the people, and in time they will open their hearts to the God who knows them.  The old Roman way was for people to believe before they can belong, while the new Celtic way is for you to belong and eventually believe.  In other words, the community and not an individual brings you to Christ.  In many ways, it’s easier to tell someone the Gospel than it is to take someone where s/he consistently experiences the Gospel.

How do we belong?  I sure feel like I belong to WHCC and HCC more than FBCC.  I know I am at fault for not terribly trying much, but even though I don’t really try, I get invited to their birthday parties, their holiday celebrations, and their event gatherings.  They even apologize profusely for forgetting to add me onto their list and making sure I am included next time.  On the flip side, I try the hardest with FBCC (but not my hardest in general) by calling and emailing them to contact me to hang out, and instead I’ve come to expect voicemail and oh yeah, this is what we’re doing right now, if you want to come.  Is it because at least one or two people keep track of me at WHCC and HCC, but no one does here at FBCC?  That could make all the difference.  Or is it that I expect more (and keep a record of wrongs?) because I have decided to be included at FBCC but I am nonchalant with whether I am invited to WHCC or HCC?  I remember back in January there was a slew of WHCC birthdays, and then in February there was a slew of FBCC birthdays.  Somehow, I ended up going to the WHCC ones but not the FBCC ones as much; I don’t remember now, but at the time was it due to scheduling conflicts or did I finally decide to attend the WHCC ones because I was more comfortable with them?  What does it mean to expect the worse but hope for the best?  How do you have high expectations but….? 

When I entered college, I checked out a handful of Christian gatherings.  I joined a small group that was part of the then-called Chinese Bible Study because it was the thing to do and everyone kept emphasizing them.  Our group fell apart,one by one, until it was just the Bible study leader, me, and this girl who was highly committed and hadn’t yet accepted Jesus.  I felt sorry, but that wasn’t going to cut it, so I left highly disappointed and joined CCC.  Later, I learned that one of the girls who wasn’t that much of a believer became good friends with Kara and eventually made an amazing transformation through His grace.  The thing is, though you can encourage group ownership, it sure can’t be forced.  Anyone knows nagging doesn’t work, although we find ourselves doing it.  Haven’t you noticed with some you just click instantly and with others you don’t?  Some people find you dull, while others find you exciting, or at least around them somehow you light up.  Even if you give all the time you can, with all the sincerity and effort, with both of you seeking, even if you lived near each other.  Reminds me of that girl from Chicago: we had an affinity towards each other so we’d decide to meet up and all, but anyone can tell from our conversations that somehow we just weren’t clicking.  Eventually we both decided without words to call it off.  She was a smart and pretty girl; I wonder where she is now after UT Austin pre-pharm classes.

Maybe we’re defining incorrectly.  Back in high school, I was elected to be the Science Club president, with a new teacher sponsor.  It bothered me that our definition of a member was someone who paid the fee.  There were those who were super dedicated, coming and helping at every single event, while others never showed up but they did pay the money.  I didn’t enjoy being president, so for me to keep everything running was as good as it was going to get, not trying to change their pre-existing system.  Magnificat has an application process but afterwards you’re in for life.  Even with years of hiatus you are always wlecome to come back and use the resources.  I met Annie Shen at an HCC gathering, and she says she hangs out with HCC, serves in her home Asian church, and then attends a more American (or African-American?) church on Sunday mornings.  Seems fragmented and yet, is that something I want to imitate?  In a way, her method demonstrates that we together are the Bride of Christ.  Vickie’s always running around hanging out with all these groups because we are all interconnected (actually, if left to my own devices, I really don’t care to make new friends). 

Indeed, it is impossible to know everyone, even within a single church building (”Abandon Committees, Skip Teams, and Embrace Communities” by George Bullard), so is there significance in “choosing” a church?  Are we to attend, serve, and gather within one?  What does the modern-day “fellowship of the believers” look like?  I think my problem would be choosing, because many times events have been booked for the same weekend.  Do I even it out?  Or instead, focus?  Still, I remember in the past when someone at FBCC needed a bone marrow transplant due to leukemia; the whole church gathered together.  We have also drawn together to fundraise for missions we support.  And the Chinese churches have gathered together for events as well (although it appears that FBCC does that less than the others).  Our mechanic, dentist, realtor, and family physician all were borne from the network of these Chinese churches.  It’s like “The New Science of Networks” by Albert-Laszlo Barabasi (who wrote it after reading “The Strength of Weak Ties“ by Mark S. Granovetter).

Still, when I went to RecWeek it was a big deal since I didn’t commit myself to InterVarsity but to CCC:EPIC (who has their own similar conference: DWC)–the IV leader went to the CCC leader to make sure they knew about me and it was okay with them!  Actually, it is the close relationships I formed in EPIC, not IV, that continue to live on.  I’ve still visited Josh, sent a card to Jonathan Le, had a few meals with prayers and talks of our spiritual struggles with Marie when she stops in town, and exchanged sparse emails with Iris.  Which reminds me: before the birth of EPIC, Alice and I were part of a CCC cell group.  The concept is that, as it grew, it would split and thus multiply.  We had to decide who we wanted to go with: Ophelia or Kristen.  I couldn’t decide at all.  Eventually, on the Jester steps, Iris poured out her heart and tears and basically begged me to be part of the one she had chosen.  I don’t remember if I had chosen one yet at this point, or if I ended up choosing the one that she asked me to be a part of, but I just remember this particular heart-wrenching moment.  I’ve never felt so loved and accepted.  And then, even leaving a comment on a random Xanga where they just started their own EPIC, I never would have imagined that eventually she would pray for my sins, and then point me (with Rudi) to spent one night of our two-week road trip at a stranger’s apartment.  Not only did this sister in Christ open her place for us and provide hospitality, she also prayed for and over us.

FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS
Luke 15:1-7

Perhaps Josh had a better glimpse of how this all operates when he wrote his journal entry on seasonal friendships.  On the snowboarding trip, not only did I reinforce previous friendships but also forged new ones.  Liz prayed for me when she didn’t even know me, only because she knew I needed the spiritual support.  Now we still exchange postcards and emails.  I haven’t spoken to Ruth since I’ve moved back from El Paso; she was a wonderful roommate.  During the student orientation at UT Austin, somehow I ended up hanging with a Hispanic girl and an African-American guy.  I remember the incident when we were eating some free food in a large banquet hall, and he said that he really stood out.  “Because we’re under the skylight?”  “No, because I’m the only black person in this room.”  It was really nice to not be alone and to share the experience with others in the same boat.  I remember her waving at me later, and he visited my dorm freshman year, but now I don’t even remember his or her names (or faces….).  When we graduated, Sapna gave me an old photograph of when the three of us (including Reena) were in second grade? and I had played this detective game with them by planting clues: ”It takes a long time to grow an old friend.”  Back in high school, Carla Ortiz gave me this:  “Thanks for being my friend & for being the caring person that you are to me.  Your the GREATEST friend.  Happy B-day to a friend that means ALOT to me.”  I remember thinking, this is so out of nowhere!  I don’t recall any conversations we’ve had in the past, and ever since I have not a clue what’s going on with her.  She says I’m such a great friend to her, but how?  I know many times I’m nice to those I really would prefer never to hang out with again, but with her it wasn’t even that….

I remember back in Austin, Timmy Chui wrote about The Atomic Tiers of Friendship haha; wonder where he got his ideas.  Phoebe and Hannah have been gone for a week in Hong Kong and will be gone for another week.  I have been contemplating our relationships since I’ve been back at my parents’ place for the time being.  Phoebe and I grew close first semester of freshman year and then agreed to an accountability relationship thereafter until I moved to El Paso.  Hannah and I gelled a connection after her 22nd birthday while exchanging deep, dark, familiar yet unsimilar, privacies.  We’ve hung out I think usually once a week together on the weekends, but of course it’s not like before.  I think other acquaintances (not “friends”) know more about them than I do at this point.  I’m not exactly pining for the days gone by but rather how to take those spontaneous moments along into the future, how to cultivate the environment for our older selves in new stages, for the sake of the gospel, for our children.

I mentioned that we should be neighbors so our kids can play together.  Linton said, “But you don’t even have a boyfriend!.”  Indeed, I’m not even close to marrying, let alone having children.  I never really got to know my neighbors, but it turns out that I know a little more (thanks to my dad) than Phoebe and Hannah do about theirs (they say they’re new).  Linton has to feed their dog Missy, but it seems that in the past (or at least in media), the neighbor usually handles that role.  As I drive towards Dulles Avenue, I always pass a driveway packed with boys who have grown tall and lanky!  I don’t know who lives there, but I’ve seen African-American guys, Asian-American guys, and white guys all playing basketball together.  When Gilmore Girls first came out, what drew me was not only the intelligent banter but the concept that they lived in a (too) close-knit town.  Everyone would eat at the local Luke’s Diner, and then people could hang out on their front porches and say hello to those walking by.  But they sure had a lot of gossip.  (And, as Phoebe said, when Dean made love to Rory, we were shocked.  So much for a clean series.)  I absolutely adored the neighborhood playground my brother and I frequented as children.  Okay, so maybe this concept is now dangerous in this day and age.  Then you can have those “gated communities” that Jessica/Robert/Rosemery (and my brother) are in (compare with the med center condos that Alison/Wilson/Cindy live in).

MARRIAGE
Ephesians 5:22-33

I always say that I feel more comfortable around guys than girls (verus for Linton he says he grew up feeling more comfortable around girls than guys).  The past few weeks I wonder how I came to that conclusion, both mentally and subconsciously in how I act.  I mean, I hung out with both while in school (and senior year it was a table of all females during lunch, man I miss Arlene and oh, her birthday was this past Sunday), and at church it wasn’t like the guys in my class treated me better than the girls.  I would also say that I have more guy friends than girl friends, yet if I lost my guy friends I would be sad but not as devastated as if I were to lose a friendship with a girl. 

Chris Sun is a prime example.  In fact, I’m almost hesitant to call him a friend.  Is he more of a…frequent acquaintance?  Seriously, the only reason we hang out is through Linton (and satellite friends).  I have a [funny] birthday card that he gave me freshman year.  Little did I know then how rare that is.  Yet he’s probably going to be one of Linton’s groomsman, and I did invite him to my birthday dinner, I guess to even it out.  I also invited Nathan Kim, and we rarely talk.  In fact, we just see each other at football and usually don’t even exchange words.  But I know if I am in need of prayer or other help, he will respond, as he always emails back amidst his numerous activities.  And then there are Andrew, Nathan, and Inch.  Well, I haven’t been in contact with them for quite a long time now, but it’s okay.  I think I feel closer to them than the other people I’ve met from football simply because I met them through Vickie, and somehow that changed the dynamics in how I associate with them, like sending them Christmas cards.

Haha, remember when Tina Chen thought that David Kalloor and I were dating because he’d come over so often freshman year before either of us made many new friends?  It never occurred to me, and I never ever did/will have that thought concerning him.  Whereas with Siwei we, I have no idea how, hit it off right off the bat (where/when/who).  I could tell him everything that I tell my brother–that’s how close I felt with him.  But I barely met him.  At first I clung to thinking, “What does it mean to know my husband?” but like friendships, there are those you just click with and those you don’t.  So I’ve let go of that.  When I said no in Austin to a sweet guy who asked me out, he asked if it was because he didn’t believe in God.  “No, I’m just not attracted to you.”  Somehow, I didn’t feel it.  

Although, I think that has to do with our current culture.  If parents don’t approve of your choice nowadays, that’s usually overlooked instead of trying to reconcile.  In past customs (like the dowry) and in prevailing traditions (like the father “giving away” the daughter) though, it’s really a relationship between the two families, if not also between/within churches (The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony by Pamela Paul), dating with the approval of your community, who is in the place to help you weigh in the other factors of values and also keep you accountable.  That’s probably why Erwin and I are somewhat okay when thinking about arranged marriages.  I think the problem occurs when they make matches due to affluence and distinguishment, etc, as all humans end up messing up good systems.  My question to myself is, “If a guy I highly respect were to ask me but I just wasn’t feeling it, even after multiple extended rendezvous, would I accept?”  I think this is the wisdom I need to ask God about: the ability to discern whether an obstacle is the result of the need for discipline/perseverance (hurdle) or is the result of the need for a detour/fork (wall).  That’s what I’ve been trying to consider about waking up early, memorizing verses, personality in socializing, planning (using a planner works great for me, but Jennifer Lin says it doesn’t help her at all), kit with relatives, exercising, friendships as mentioned above, love languages….

PURPOSE
John 17:4

Last Wednesday, we met for FBCC Ladies’ Group.  The overall concensus was, we have no idea where we are headed and how our stories will end on earth and continue in heaven.  Many are figuring out whether to change to an entirely new area of study, or at least a new job within their current finished schooling.  The competition rises each year it seems among valedictorians/salutatorians, and I am amazed at just how ambitious and passionate they appear to be; you wonder if they will reach it, and if they will find satisfaction in reaching it.  As the dark clouds slowly dissipate, at times an epiphany or some clarity will shine through, but then it quickly disappears and I’m in a fog again, but still in a better state for seeing it.  I’m usually at peace when I think that I will be married while going about the house, how I’ve always vaguely but contentedly imagined it, helping supporting supplementing whatever he endeavors.  Despite that, Proverbs 31 had always bothered me, but even now the Proverbs 31 woman is now a celebration and challenge.  This always-wife desire and this in-the-Bible-but-doesn’t-seem-right disenchantment is finally coming together.  I guess I didn’t realize that it made me feel intimidated, incompetent, hopeless, exhausted (in my own power) like reading the goals of the graduates.  Instead, as God is making us perfect, as women He is making us her (His power with our participation), in our own unique ways. 

Of course, having “peace” doesn’t always mean I’m on the right track, but again you can’t discount it either.  I get restless when I think that I have been blessed beyond what I could’ve asked or imagined and with that comes the stewardship of making great strides for His kingdom (and thus even before believing but being raised in church, missions was always attractive to my naive eyes).  The thing is, ultimately we are to obey and glorify, NOT to change the world.  I think it is in this that I am transitioning from abstractness into something more pragmatic, as I am slowly lifted out and glean the gems that can only be understood from coming out of trip-ups, temptations, and trials.  I was all tangled up in my buzz words of community/friends/romance/vulnerability/missions/reconciliation/prayer, I’ve forgotten to “look up!”  I’ve been trying to figure out what God has given me a gift in, where God has placed my passions in, and how it could all work in this current culture, but conclusively regardless of techniques and training, the umph will be from God.  

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.  Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.  All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.  For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! (Philippians 3:7-16, Romans 11:36).

AMEN.

Last Monday, we had gone to the “park” (Brooks Lake) near Fluor for the first time.  We saw two guys with their truck fishing for catfish!  I also expressed my desire to be back for House, M.D., so I drove there, quickly walked to the end when it reached a road, then returned.  I didn’t drive particularly superfast, but we were right on time (even my dad was surprised).  It’s definitely closer (and quicker) than going to Oyster/Lost Creek Park.

Yesterday afternoon, my parents and I went a second time.  As we started, the wind was a higher chill factor than I anticipated, so I turned around and grabbed my jacket.  It’s also probably why there weren’t any mosquitoes as I had though (since it had rained earlier in the day and I tend to get bit, I sprayed repellant but my parents declined).  We went all the way to the end, where the trail ends.  We saw more people this time (a guy on a bike, another guy on a bike with a dog, a woman with a dog.  We also saw a large black vulture-like (to me haha) bird picking at something in the water at the edge of the lake.  At first I just thought it was cloth or plastic (i.e. litter).  On approach, I saw scales and fins.  Uh, I think it was a catfish, although I never saw the head, which is was made me feel on edge.  There were two families of ducks: one mom with nine teenage ducks and another with six elementary-age ducks.  I went to check out the cross with many Bible verses on it (I Corinthians 9:19, 22-23; I Peter 3:15; II Corinthians 5:11; Colossians 4:2-6; John 3:16; John 14:6; Matthew 5:16; I Peter 4:8; II John 1:6; Matthew 28:18-21; Psalm 139:17-18; Zephaniah 3:17; II Chronicles 16:9; Jeremiah 29:11-13; Ephesians 5:1-2; Acts 2:42-47; Proverbs 27:17; and Acts 4:32-35).  Then we headed back. 

Mom wanted to go down Fluor Daniel, so we turned onto the bridge but then turned left (straight would take us into the engineering complex).  We passed some new gated communities, and Dad asked if I wanted to check out the Open House (they’ve done so before).  So I turned in (I always like to observe anything art-related, and that includes arthitecture and interior design).  This took another hour.  These houses are big (with arched large heavy wooden-looking doors like in castles) and fancy (one unfinished one even had a dome and inside balcony - the one that sort of reminds me of Romeo talking up to Juliet or Rapunzel having to let down her hair).  There’s not much outdoors space, though, for gardening or anything like that.  We only saw one sold (they already had two of their fancy sporty cars parked in the garage).  I took pictures.

We finally left for home (my mom was quite tired, and I have to admit I was winded) at 5 pm and ate leftovers (shiaw goo-goo’s family’s leftovers of tender beef chunks).  I watched The Big Bang Theory (I simply love how Sheldon talks - of course not as my S.O. and it would probably get old/frustrating as a friend after awhile that he just doesn’t see things like we do, and vice versa), House, M.D., and CSI while doing the Sudoku and Jumble (gave up and used my handy-dandy dictionary at the end) in the Houston Chronicle newspaper.  Then off I went to bed, hoping to get into the groove of a more regular sleep pattern (instead of insomnia up until 3 am).

This early evening, we just went walking in the neighborhood.  I had another hairdo today, haha.  It reminded me of in the past where they really stack the hair up high atop the head.  I didn’t spray bug repellant, and I paid for it around both my knees (I knew it, since the weather is nicer than yesterday’s).  We checked out some of the custom homes, went by Andrew’s (not mine) former piano teacher’s house, and made a stop at the playground.  My dad called it the “castle,” and I had forgotten about that old nickname.  When we were kids, the playground was actually made entirely of wood (except some parts that is typically metal, such as the chains on the swings and the handle and glider of the sliding mechanism).  Practically all parts were connected, save the sandbox in the middle of the area.  Oh, how I loved to crawl through the tunnels on the bottom! and go through all the arches and teeny one-person “rooms”.  I really liked the sliding mechanism, they had a practice-your-balance beam, and there were a lot more swings (that were accessible to us kids). 

Due to safety restrictions and precautions, now everything is made of plastic, and any metal is covered in plastic (which is a good thing, like on the swings).  The sandbox is still there, as well as the baseball field in the back (right next to the Dulles track, but with a fence of course), the sand volleyball court (not very well kept, though), and the pool (popular in the neighborhood).  Everything on the playground is much more open (I guess so guardians can see their child at all times - including slides that aren’t completely cylinders) but also with less options to have fun with.  There’s an area for toddlers, and then an area for older children.  The playground equipments take up much less space.  They do try to include all of the old things, like a tire swing (much smaller, doesn’t look like a real tire as much - I think they covered it with plastic for safety as well) and swings (thank goodness - although they are so high all three of us had trouble getting on and starting). 

As I watch and read more news (and television series related to law enforcement), my heart sinks at how dangerous this society seems to be getting.  I don’t know, since I never lived back then, but did we have to be so cautious in earlier years?  Or because of more awareness we are taking more steps, and thus we can’t assume better things from people (instead always suspicious of others).  And yet, we really can’t prevent everything, because we are going to become at least acquaintances with our coworkers, neighbors, and meet new people and thus assume trust and thus build a new relationships.  That’s the beauty of moving and meeting new people.  You’re trying to change for the better, and so the new people don’t know your old self and can forgive you a couple more times than your old acquaintances, or they won’t hold back due to an old grudge that is past its expiration.  Just rambling…no spectacular closing statement….

At Discovery Green, David came up behind me and asked, “Do you want children, Amy?”  I found that to be out of the blue but answered honestly: “Not really.  Why do you ask?”  When I answer that, I am always a bit hesitant because I feel that whoever around me and hears will look down on me in a little.  It seems almost all “good” people would want a child of their own, and especially if I want to get married.  In other words, I feel like the guy I want to catch will probably want a kid–and that’s a big thing for me to not want one.  And in a sense I feel I have the obligation, when I marry, because (1) I don’t know if we’re always going to be having protection while having sex, (2) if I have the ability and there are other women who struggle so hard to have one naturally instead of adopting, and (3) I am blessed with a husband and the ability to birthe (which I don’t know yet obviously but nothing is making me doubt it) then aren’t I also called to produce holy (as holy as it can be, being still on Earth) seed?  Eh, not to worry for too long at this point in time for me.

I have always wanted to be happily married (whatever that means).  But, I don’t want my kids to inherit this mental illness streak, especially a worse one.  And to have children (because I’d like to have two for them to play with each other and relate to us parents haha, but two only) means when they’re conceived, you’re going to have them for the rest of your adult life.  Yes, they’ll grow up and move out, but you’re always going to see them as yours and your responsibility, plus they’re going to want to (hopefully) keep in contact with you and all.  They say you don’t have to be perfect to accept Jesus’s gift of saving you (true), and you don’t have to be perfect to marry someone (true again), and you also don’t have to be perfect to have kids (true), but the latter one seems to be the hardest for me to grasp.  Every single movement and word and facial expression and gesture will be picked up by your child–talk about accountability!  Yesh, they will see, but I’m afraid they will learn!  At the same time that I am learning how to be a mother, as well as probably holding down a job, and still learning about being a woman.  People say they pray for their future spouse every day.  I say, fabulous, lovely, continue to do so.  But also, get down on those knees and pray for your future children!

I remember at the first Global Cafe, while AliceSun was on my left and Phoebe was on my right, we were talking about relationships.  AliceSun happened to have a really cool guy with her, and she says it’s almost too good to be true for her because usually the guys she falls for have a lot of problems.  Phoebe shared that, since Linton will propose to her within a year, she really had never thought of joining her life with another.  That, unlike Grace, she had never dreamed of getting married (like those other girls who practically have their entire wedding planned out, or I guess even like me, knowing I’d like to be married but the details are unclear).  Always wanted to be hitched, never wanted to have the little ones.  Only time will tell.

When a period of feasting had run its course, Job would send and have them purified. Early in the morning he would sacrifice a burnt offering for each of them, thinking, “Perhaps my children have sinned and cursed God in their hearts.” This was Job’s regular custom.

Monday, April 14, 2008.  We have five new patients today, so Rick helped out by reporting in rounds and taking over task group for me: Thanks!  I was able to meet with four of them.  At lunch, Jennifer was so sweet and bought an angel-food cake to celebrate Sally’s birthday.  Sally was gone for her birthday last week, so that’s why we celebrated today.  Jennifer had already cut it so that she could layer it with strawberries she had already cut and topped each layer with whipped cream.  Sally was excited and took a picture of the cake, and then with Janet and Rick, awww.  After work, I called Vickie to tell her that as I was walking from the BTPC through the hallway to the BTGH, I thought I saw Grace (JoJo’s wife) and waved, and I think she at least recognized my face.  Then I went to the MFAH. 

Tuesday, April 15, 2008.  I only had self-care group today, and good thing.  I had four discharges, and forgot one on Team C (we had traded, and I knew she was leaving, but I forgot since I was her therapist I had the responsibility to give her home instructions).  I performed two evaluations along with one home instructions.  Some common patterns among Team B patients:  if you’re a female then you have pseudocyesis (delusions of being pregnant), you have a past history of running naked in the streets, or you are somewhat malingering to stay here instead of to go “home.”

Wednesday, April 16, 2008.  Due to EPIC training, Theo preferred that Rick not be gone to his Patient Education Committee meeting that he has once a month.  I went by myself to present my brochure.  It was nice since I could go in a bit later since the meeting starts at 9 am.  I was the first one there, so I went to the restroom.  When I returned, the woman who last week presented on an already-published patient-education-worksheets packet regarding diabetes management sat to my right.  She’s quite outspoken about corrections, which helped me because I didn’t want to really say much by the end since I’m just sitting in for Rick.  For example, I wrote a certain correction on the sheet (Rick had printed out the materials for me beforehand) that we were sharing, so she spoke up and it was a good suggestion that everyone agreed upon (they were debating between two phrases, and I provided a third option).  When I went to my park, I had a parking violation (I had read the sign about only those going to Holly Hall, and I interpreted it wrong) but the police officer at the front desk from which I inquired from said that I didn’t have to pay a fine or anything, just that if I were to continuously do it I would be banned from parking there in the future.  Whew. 

To celebrate OT month, Theo offered to treat us out for lunch at Murphy’s Deli (we walked there).  It was interesting because she printed out the menu and indicated which ones on the menu we could pick from.  They had a salad bar, but Sally changed her mind about it and ordered the combo (sandwich, chips, drink).  Sammy stopped by to say hi, and Jennifer couldn’t make it because she felt sick (and interestingly enough, Theo didn’t schedule her for anything).  It was nice to have a break in the morning, but I had to catch up in the afternoon about the goings-ons.  I spent the rest of the afternoon administering two evalutions then writing up 5 of 7.  Rick had given me $10 to pay for parking; isn’t he generous?  I was happy that I could leave without waiting, but unfortunately I forgot where I parked so I walked for some good minutes before finding it, haha, sigh.  I really didn’t want to miss Ladies’ Group, but after mental calculation I knew that I just wouldn’t be able to make it, and missed it for the first time.  At home I made some last minute changes on the brochure (since the BTPC computers display it different from my home laptop) then went to eat dinner at Old Place Cafe at 7 pm with my parents.  They saw a dentist and his wife who they recognized; he was in Mississippi for six years with the army but is now retired and having a lot of enjoyment traveling.  Afterwards we went to Kinko’s to print out four brochures (very nice quality, and I paid for it - $12, for paper, ink, and time spent on the computer).  Then we went to Wel-Farm to buy potstickers (I figured dumplings would be nasty the next day being soggy and all).  We got home at 8:30 pm and turns out that potstickers are tricker to cook than dumplings.  We learned we could not cut corners (i.e. cook more than 7 at a time).  A plate dropped and shattered.  Dad ended up cooking the mass majority of them.  I printed out handouts (regarding where to get them printed at BTGH) and then went to bed past midnight.

Thursday, April 17, 2008.  I presented the brochure to the OT department.  Rick negotiated our groups for the day so I could have time in the afternoon to finish my paperwork; wasn’t that sweet?  And I did finish, so that I spent some time helping Elderine on Excel for her employee project (after Jennifer helped her for two hours).  I semi-re-learned about =average() and helped set up the chart so that she wouldn’t have to calculate by hand each time before inputting, but that all she had to do was input the number of people who attended and the number of people who were present.  Jennifer offered to take me home, so I asked Rick if it was okay that I left early with her at 4 pm.  He gave me permission, and in fact he himself stayed and administered an evaluation for Elderine (the patient spoke Spanish).

When I got home and checked my email, at 4:14 pm Linton had emailed asking if we wanted to watch When Autumn Sunlight Comes at 1915.  Linton picked up Elliot and me.  Afterwards we went to CiCi’s to eat.  I explained the Beacon to Elliot, if he wanted to join us in the future.  Told him about how the manager of the Beacon used to work for CiCi’s.  Elliot informed me that Chase Culpepper proposed to Lauren Drake!  She’s graduating tomorrow in Galveston, so they’re going to support/celebrate with her.  Somehow relationships popped into the conversation, so I mentioned about someone asking me out, back in November or something.  Linton asked if it was Robert Hwang, “the annoying loud guy” LOL.  No, it wasn’t.  I don’t think I had even met him at that point in time.  I told Vickie about this comment haha.

Friday, April 18, 2008.  Rainy morning!  Rick’s not here today, preparing to attend Dr. Barber’s wedding tonight.  In fact, it was just Elderine, Jennifer, and me, but it wasn’t as bad as I anticipated because they “closed downstairs” (i.e. outpatient appointments).  Since I’m the student, I helped with all three groups.  I helped give hurried home instructions to one patient (-Tuesday) because it seemed like she was going to leave (they were gathering all her belongings from her locker).  Turned out her parent (-Wednesday) didn’t pick her up until after we OTs were gone.  I tried to blow up the beach ball, but it didn’t work.  I was afraid to ask to leave early to try to watch Road to Partition since I had already left early yesterday, but I finally did (10 minutes early) and Elderine let me go (still got lost a bit in the parking garage).

After the movie, I rushed out and ordered my usual burrito from Chipotle at the corner at 7pm.  Vickie called, so I told her where I was and what we were doing.  I barely made it to Magazine Gap Road that started at 1915.  I went in just as the WorldFest guy was making some announcements.  During that time Hannah had called me back (do’h, my phone was on silent), so I called her again, but I think by then she had put her phone on silent.  I was thinking that maybe they had gone to see another movie, since I didn’t see them.  Finally I just decided to go up to the seats, and good thing, they were all sitting on the bottom row on the left on the third tier: Phoebe, Chris Sun, Jennifer Yu, Hannah Kwan and her boyfriend? from WHCC?, and Hannah Lin.  Linton came when the movie ended.  He was debating as to what to do with it (watch another movie? give it to someone? refund?); I don’t know what he did with it.  We went to Grand Lux Cafe afterwards for dinner outside with their dim lighting and high heating.  I didn’t order anything, but finished up my burrito.  I went home.  Linton and Chris went to his apartment, then Linton took Chris out drinking, haha.

This weekend a lot of people, including Cynthia Lay but especially BASIC members, are out of town attending Ly Tran’s wedding (to Cynthia’s childhood friend) in the Dallas area.  I let my brother know about that since Ly used to be a respected mentor to him.  

Saturday morning I showered then returned Mod Podge to Michael’s.  Then I went to Morris’s neighborhood playground to attend Jaelyn’s party to celebrate her turning two years old.  They had a lot of food (spaghetti, catered sandwiches, fried eggrolls of course yum, cake, fruit, water, cookies….).  Jaelyn seems to like playing by herself and not the friendliest towards others.  We tried to take a picture with her, but she kept walking around.  I went on the swings and she wanted so I placed her on and pushed her a little.  Her mom came over and suggested maybe to play on the playground equipment again, and she complied.  It was a bit windy.  Someone bought Jaelyn her first “car” - I wonder if it’s battery powered, and she really can sit in it and drive it.  My parents left to take grams home.  I left some minutes after. 

Afterwards, I drove over to Panera Bread on Westheimer (next to Fogo de Chao) and tried to enjoy the weather and use their free wi-fi, but since my computer has a glossy monitor it tired me out quite quickly.  Around 5 pm, Linton called me (I had called Hannah a few times but that didn’t work) to eat at Benningan’s (they had gone rock climbing).  I turned that offer down since they were in the northwest.  He called me back and said they changed locations (the Benningan’s in the Galleria), so I agreed to meet them because I was quite hungry (I was going to eat at Panera but..I guess today I just leeched off of their facilities).  I think they didn’t arrive until 6:30 (an hour later than expressed), so we didn’t get our food until 7:30?  Most of us got the combo deal; Elliot and I split the deal because it was perfect–I got the entree and he ate the appetizer and dessert.  Elliot liked my red plaid hat :-)  Hannah Lin said that she doesn’t really wear accessories but when she sees others wear them she reconsiders.  Jennifer Lin, Laurie, the younger sister of Darwin, and Hannah Kwan (on crutches) with her boyfriend were there, too. 

The twins, Linton, and some of the others were going to attend a grassroots concert (one of Phoebe’s classmates was going to perform).  Well, I felt bad that there was no one attending Karin Hsieh’s Mary Kay Makeup Party, so I replied, “Yes.”  Thus I had to turn down the concert since it was at the same time (8 pm).  I got there at 8:30, and then we didn’t end until 10:30ish.  Karin used me as her first guinea pig to practice demonstrating the presentation (showing the different products, letting me try on the makeup, etc.).  It wasn’t too bad, and she gave me some free samples (i.e. I gave my aunt the foundation).  John Hsieh came back (we were at their parents’ gated community) and reported that he went to Swirll (1944A West Gray / Houston, TX 77019 / 713.523.4888) at 8:30 but no one was there so he left.  I called Jessica to see what happened, and she said that they just left there (there were about a handful of people..?) - she just arrived with Derrick late around 9 pm.  No big deal; I was quite tired.

And it turns out on Sunday I did end up going to Swirll after all.  Oliver Huang is the manager (Jessica Ng’s family friend is the owner).  They have the following flavors:  Original, Tart and Icy, Passion Fruit, Raspberry, Pomegranate, Blueberry, Green Apple, Mango, Banana, Cookies and Cream, Coconut, Vanilla Classic, Vanilla (no sugar), Strawberry, Strawberry (no sugar), and Chocolate (no sugar).  Another one (5000 Westhemier #608 / 77056) is supposedly opening up next weekend (free frozen yogurt!).  Call 713.552.0863 to make sure.

I was at home finishing up my activity analysis project since I’m presenting it this coming Wednesday; it was my first time in my life decoupaging.  Waiting is a crucial step.  I didn’t arrive on Willow Park until 1845, so I was surprised people were still playing flag football.  James suggested going to Boston Market to eat dinner.  Charles, Henry, and Elliot loitered until we were the last ones there.  Henry finally went home to shower, and then Charles (who drove Elliot) decided to just start driving and they’ll make a decision on the way.  Ah, my Staffordites. 

The BASIC guys shared a group meal; I was late (onto 288?) so I got the children’s plate.  I ended up sitting in front of Jeff Tang?.  It was a bit awkward…I wanted to join in the group conversation, but he was friendly and asked me questions about what I do and trying to relate, talking about bipolar, etc.  He didn’t play football today but he comes out at times; he just joined for dinner today.  Jeff Chen came later and sat at the end of the table that was moved to connect with a booth (he ended up ordering the same thing as Jeff Tang, haha).  At one point, Robert C asked if I we had a policy that we could not date our patients.  I figure sure, although if there wasn’t one in place, I don’t think anyone would really want to date them!  Robert said that if they were your patient once in their life, then s/he could never date the doctor.  Hm….  Andrew talked about having girls come watch the guys play in their basketball league on Saturdays so that they would play harder but not better - or rather, so that he (with his sprained ankle) could mingle with all the females LOL.  “Will you come, Amy?”  Uh…. 

Robert C convinced me to go to Swirll, saying it was only a few minutes away.  I called Karin to let her know about it (and unfortunately she called me back late at night, and a couple more times at that, while I was dog tired - I didn’t want to be rude but I cut her off and said I had to sleep for work tomorrow).  Vickie called me as I was sampling the flavors so I ended up having no idea what was good.  Derrick said his favorites are Pomegranate and Mango?  I may have totally made that up.  The guys who came were Robert, Robert, Jeff, Jeff, Derrick, John, and Andrew if I recall correctly (Alan and James went back home).  I was on the phone, so I missed something that Andrew said to/asked of me…suspicious….

As one who professes to have died and now live for the resurrected Christ, this should perhaps be the most crucial celebration.  However, I did not go to church this morning to join the fellowship of my community, nor did I reflect or rejoice on my own with Him.  Instead, I followed suit in being the busiest person in the world (”When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else–we are the busiest people in the world.” -Eric Hoffer).  That has been my habit lately.  Nonetheless, by the end of the weekend, I couldn’t but help contemplate, if only briefly:

• Romantic tensions.  “Hello.”
• Changing versus challenging another
• Growing old, side by side
• Guys will be guys, after all
• Meeting the Thumball: http://www.catch32ball.com/images/Thumball_PressRelease.doc
• What makes me mad?

Saturday, March 15, 2008.  This is the first of two Saturdays I have to work (half day).  It wasn’t too bad (no evaluations, surprisingly).  I parked at the golf course and Rick picked me up (so that I wouldn’t have to pay the $10 parking garage fee).  He’s doing this Saturday and next Saturday to make up for missing days to attend Dr. Barber’s bachelor party/wedding.  I’m a big help because usually Saturdays are done by only one therapist (COTA or OTR) and the OT tech Tiffani.  This way, I write half of the stack and he writes the other half of progress notes.  He was going to drop me off at my car, but by the afternoon due to the tourists and visitors of the area, there was a traffic cement barricade to the road so he dropped me off (he had to meet his family) at the intersection and I walked to the car (earlier we had joked that if he wasn’t finished and I was, I could leave earlier but I couldn’t since he drove me but techincally I could walk but that would take forever).  Good sunny exercise. 

After work, I gave the FBCC girls’ a call.  No one answered.  I was really frustrated because FBCC Career Group went to Project C.U.R.E. this morning.  In the evite I said I couldn’t make it but that I would be available for lunch.  Then, maybe they don’t read the evite replies, I emailed the girls a few days before, specifically saying that if they were eating afterwards to give me a call.  And I call them after work.  I began to feel very left out and that they don’t really want me there, which makes me not want to be there (let’s just say that my inclinations for FBCC isn’t exactly positive so this just adds fuel to the fire).  Janet Poon finally called me back and let me know that in fact Hector was having a BBQ at his place.

I was passing by and decided to pay Henry a visit.  Rick had bought me a breakfast taco but I didn’t feel so good stomach-wise in the morning so I kept it in the fridge.  Turned out to be helpful because I ate that plus a sandwich from Henry (he just bought some turkey sandwich meat) for lunch.  He is always so…bluntly..unapologetic.  He said that he didn’t have extra food for me, but then he said that I could eat the sandwich.  I swear, I don’t know how I had initially been able to look pass his “meanness”.  But Henry’s Henry, as Elliot and David and Kuan can tell you.  He had to go to his parents’ afterwards, so I left when he did.

I arrived as the couple who lives in Pearland left.  There was a LOT of food at the BBQ (as there always is at a BBQ).  One of Hector’s coworkers (now I forgot his name) struck up a conversation with me.  I wasn’t particularly interested but as always I gave him my attention and talked with him (I guess with me, one, including me, cannot tell if I am genuinely interested or not - I speak the same way, and just because I can’t think of anything to say doesn’t mean I don’t want to speak with you).  We talked about jobs, school, El Paso, etc.  Hector grilled beef, chicken, and sausages (he uses really yummy homemade sauces).  Daniel Shen baked some goat cheese with peach, I think.  Charlene said it wasn’t too bad, but Howard Chiu’s reaction is a classic.  Yeah, I’d prefer to not eat the two ingredients together (and was never much of a goat cheese fan, like Jamie).  I left when Jason Chow and his entire van (they had carpooled this morning from FBCC) left.

I called Christina Tam to see if she knew about it, but she couldn’t make it.  I offered to bring her food, which she was very appreciative about (Hector encouraged us to take some food home).  I perused her apartment space (as I always like to do :) hehe), then watched Birth starring Nicole Kidman.  I chose that movie because she had seen all the other movies (although she wouldn’t mind watching them again) and this movie her parents bought simply because it was on sale and had Nicole Kidman, an actress they had actually heard about (funny Chinese parents).  Christina also had a whole new large set of Prismacolor colored pencils!  How in the world?  She said some street artist just gave it to her…?  Anyway, Birth is quite…slow…and disturbing in the sense that it’s a grown women having sexual/sensual encounters with an elementary-school-age boy.  Anne Heche is in it (it took me awhile to figure out where I had seen her: “Men in Trees”).  It was really slow and we had fast forwarded some parts, so I don’t know if we missed anything, we were going to quit, but I just had to know the ending–we could’ve just zipped through to the ending.  Ah well.

Afterwards she really wanted to show me the video game Kingdom Hearts (I had not realized just how much of a nerd she is).  I was never much into video games, but it was sort of fun and interesting with the conversational bubbles asking with multiple choice questions (i.e. Are you scared of growing old?).  My eye-hand coordination is to the pits, haha.  Well, it DID take me awhile to learn to type, but when I finally did, I type pretty well.  Then I went to Lost Creek to walk with Daniel, Hector, and Charlene.  Christina lent me her younger brother’s swimming trunks, tennis shoes, and black Kempner T-shirt (BEAWARE with “Do not doubt that a small group of committed individuals can change the world.  Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has” Margaret Mead and “Be the change you want to see in the world” Mahatma Gandhi).  She was even going to lent me her ankle splint (I keep forgetting she can’t really participate in any of this kind of exercise, thus she didn’t join us).  I got home (empty) and heated up some dinner then watched random TV (The Newlyweds and The Bachelor: Special Edition).  For an hour and a half I tried to vent and feel sorry for myself but instead Vickie basically said the same thing as the Tshirt, to be the change I want to see in FBCC.  She sure wasn’t buying my pity.  She told me about going to the rodeo this year with Jessica, Robert Chang, etc.

Sunday, March 16, 2008.  I joined them for lunch (wow, big group!).  There was Eveline and Michael Ng, James, Linton, Phoebe, Hannah, Jacky, Jonathan, and Vickie.  I waved hello to John Hsieh and Bo, who were sitting on the opposite end of the restaurant near the window.  Vickie and I also said hello to…Tedman!  He’s working for…Jennifer Yu!  Just kidding, for HP.  He says he doesn’t really keep in touch with EPIC people except maybe Josh Winata.  Vickie wanted to exercise so turned out everyone went to Willow Park except Eveline and Michael.  Alan Bennett and Tiffany Lin showed up, but Wilson texted saying that the rest of them wouldn’t be there until later.  Alan left, and Tiffany said goodbye to Phoebe (since they were both Grace Tow’s bridesmaids).  We played ultimate football LOL.  I didn’t want to get hurt again but I did end up playing (4:4) and good thing there were no potholes because I couldn’t face the wrath of my parents again about my stupid ankle.  James made the decision to buy a football.

When it was time to leave, Jonathan wanted to wait to see his cousin Andrew.  He called, and Andrew told Jonathan that he was actually working this Sunday so he wasn’t able to make it.  I stayed behind and saw Tiffany again (she had gone back to finish up her paper/assignment).  Wilson, Jesslyn, James Hsia, Leon Chen, Nathan Kim, Eric, Gabriel (Henry’s Brazilian friend), and Timmy Yip all showed up.  I hate his cut shorts.  I don’t think they flatter him at all.

Like any good blog community, WordPress advertises popular posts from within their domain; it’s one way to probably facilitate their revenue (http://changingway.org/2008/03/12/making-money-from-wordpresscom/).  One of today’s features was “254 - Ludacris’ Rap Map of US Area Codes” from http://strangemaps.wordpress.com/ (published on March 9, 2008).  It was quite an interesting post.  Then I started scrolling down to the bottom (December 22, 2007).  I’m not particularly into cartography or geodesy, but I think I spent more than two hours (that I really can’t afford to give up right now grrr) browsing because it is very organized.  But I believe those that are superb are those which a lay person can even appreciate.  (I remember coloring maps in Geography class in tenth grade.  My teacher loved having me because I drew/colored pretty maps and also she expected me to make 100s on all my tests, which I did because she set my standard so high - like that time I forgot one answer and I sat there for 15 minutes until the answer came to me.  Do you remember Cathy Nguyen?  She started drawing even more beautiful maps, and her three-dimensional one was a piece of art.  I kept thinking that these maps are already drawn, why in the world are we drawing them again?  I guess it was a side “class” on cartography, haha.)  I am really tired from work and I need to work tomorrow, too, but these did catch my eye:

• 253 - Germany surrounded by Switzerland –> literally by its land
• 249 - South of No North: Country Music’s Favourite States  –> showing the sizes of the states so the map looks a bit funky.  Texas is second (after Tennessee).
• 247 - All the World In A Song  –> I saw this on my two-week West Coast road trip.  We didn’t stay long; Rudi wasn’t too impressed with the map store we stopped in at, haha.
• 244 - 5 Million Hits - The Atlas of Strange Maps - Your Help Requested  –> the author is in the process of publishing a book!
• 242 - Nearer the North: Australia in the King Projection  –> dissecting the backdrop of Larry King and Michael Moore’s talk show episode.
• 241 - Every Englishman Is An Island…  –> a mock imaginary island resembling a brain, surrounded by Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, and other unpleasantness at sea, and including fear, romance, prejudices, and desires.
• 240 - The American Eagle, About to Spread Its Wings  –>
• 231 - Praise the Lord and Pass the Dictionary!  –> a prayer in many languages?
• 229 - Vital Statistics of a Deadly Campaign: the Minard Map  –> “The best statistical graphic ever drawn” says statistician Edward Tufte.
• 228 - Merry Kiritimati!  –> a lesser known Christmas Island; I like the name.
• 227 - First the Cartoon, then the War: Europe in 1870  –> each country/character is explained.

I really enjoyed the site.  I’ve come across other “map blogging” sites with disinterest, and none took hold of me like this one.  I think it’s because I am tired.  But some of the images appeal to me, or the title.  And if I do find the time to skim, there are words bolded.  And if I make the time to read the entire post, then I get even more out of it.  It’s like what they say about television shows, the ones where newcomers can have enjoyment, but cult followings can log on to answer facts, blog, and stick together the latent specifities that connect within the series.  I guess an example would be CSI, where each episode can stand by itself, but regulars know the backstories of the relationships of the actors and can now even go to the museum for a limited time to try their hand at the profession.  The website made me think if I could blog on something in a similar fashion.  Just for my own sake: something routine that doesn’t take too much time but presents enough of a slight challenge that I am not terribly bored either.  Seems to be the next new thing ;-P  Siwei’s doing it (food - and math, and another for his webcomic), but of course last time that happened I didn’t exactly edify my current support system!  Here are some ideas that came to mind:

• Comics  –>  but really I wouldn’t know how to go about it.  I’m not making one, so it wouldn’t be my adventures in producing one (e.g. sketching, lines, inspiration).  It wouldn’t be dissecting the comics I post (I hated doing that back in English class, although Mr. Murrell was a fabulous teacher).  Here’s an interesting site:  http://24hourcomics.com/.  There’s going to be new management for 2008.
• Missionaries  –>  until I thought for the current ones that may jeopardize their ministries.
• Crafts  –>  of some sort.  I don’t want to write about them.  Well…”I made this for so-and-so for his/her birthday.”  Hm…this might be a viable option.  Something like PostSecret? And the StrangeMaps?  And make a book later?  Haha.  But then I have to take pictures, then upload them….
• Stories –>  of some sort:  romantic love stories, spiritual testimonies, occupational therapy efficacy, Bible verses (like during my birthday), suriviving homelessness, ….really I just like to read these things haha.

Anyway, some more map links:

• An Atlas: Radical Cartography Exhibition - http://www.theredhouse.org/gallery/article.php?article_id=cO1201534566c479df66640fce; http://www.timeout.com/chicago/articles/art-design/24982/charting-new-territory
• New Urban Arts had some youth works displayed - http://www.flickr.com/photos/newurbanarts/sets/72157594408295097/detail/
• Exhibits that have closed - http://home.earthlink.net/~docktor/1999ex.htm
• In Chicago - http://festivalofmaps.com/index.aspx

On Monday one of the patients here left for home.  Most patients look at Rick more than me because he’s the official therapist and I’m the student.  And if you know me I don’t convey much confidence in the first place.  But this patient seemed to make more eye contact with me than with him.  I wonder if it’s because I am younger (she’s only 21 years old).  It’s unnerving for me to be “over” people since most of these people are around my age or older.  She forgot her picture frame.  I came home and typed up medications usually used to treat Bipolar Disorder, Depression, and Schizophrenia.  I stayed up until 10:30 p.m.

On Tuesday I started Self-Care group (patients can comb their hair, apply make-up, shave, etc.) late because I thought it was at 8:30 like on Mondays but apparently it’s at 8:00 a.m. most days.  Mondays are later because they have weekend check-in, making sure all the patients are still there.  I felt like I wrote an endless array of notes for Rick to sign off on.  I discharged one of my first patients (gave him some handouts of community resources).  One of our patients requires someone to watch over her all the time (they’re called a 1:1 mental health worker).  They met with the patient’s husband, but I missed it.  Task group had 13 patients attend!  Sally reviewed some medical records with me to finish off the orientation checklist.  After lunch, Rick told me that in fact I can’t take a nap.  Last week he said noon to 1 p.m. is my time to do whatever I wanted, and of course the first thing that popped into my mind was taking a nap considering how tired I was during my last rotation (plus Rick said I yawned too much, which is true).  Well, turns out that if I wanted to take a nap I can’t take it there (boo I don’t park my car in the garage) because Rick’s boss’s boss over HCHD (Ping, who I’ve met) disapproves of it.  And it does make sense, from one perspective..oh well….  I practiced writing up an evaluation since Theodora (Rick’s boss) had a staff meeting with Rick, Sally, Janet, and Elderine.  We played bingo.  It’s the first day I drove home by myself.  (The past week and days my Dad has been coming with me in the mornings all the way to Ben Taub and then coming home with me in order for me to take the HOV lane while driving to/fro.  He still comes with me in the mornings but today he went home after I got on the 292 bus.)  When I came home I did my ankle exercises.  I felt sick.

On Wednesday I performed an evaluation for the first time, but then she was quickly discharged to Illinois (against the rest of the team’s judgment).  Rick finally had a chance to review my three evaluation write-ups:  they were poor because functional levels weren’t right and my goals didn’t fit the primary problem.  We had a new patient in scrubs with disorganized thinking.  We had another family meeting this week but I didn’t know the history and how come she wasn’t staying with the other parent who seemed more responsible.  Sometimes we have another OTR come in to help since we’re short on staff.  Her name’s Michelle Funtanilla (they call her “Mimi”).  During lunch I asked her if she celebrated Lunar New Year since sometimes it’s called Chinese New Year.  She says it depends.  She loves the sticky rice cake, though.  I asked about the apple in the mouth of a whole roasted pig (the one I saw at Luwalhati’s party back in El Paso when her mom visited).  She says it’s true that Filipinos are known to talk a lot.  She asked about my brother so I asked about her siblings: she has an older sister, and her younger brother is also an OTR who works at Quentin Mease like her.  It takes me about an hour from leaving work to arrive home (today 4:40-5:40 p.m.), and by then I had finished off seven bottles of water.  I’ve definitely come down with a cold.  I ate dinner, drank lots of soup, took some children’s antihistamine, then went to bed at 8:30 p.m.

On Thursday, we heard from two questionable patients that two patients were having ”relations” in their bedroom restroom.  We think it’s not true.  Rick treated me to lunch at la Madeleine “because I know students are poor.”  It was because it’s Valentine’s Day (and perhaps because Theodora was gone?).  Afterwards I performed two evaluations back-to-back.  I did a poor job, and I knew it, but I think Rick expected too much from me.  He was exclaiming how come my second one didn’t improve from the first one.  I didn’t say anything, but you guys know me, areas like this I can’t progress that fast.  At least I’m getting better at writing notes (e.g. I’m learning terms like “constricted affect”) after groups (we write one for ever patient, even if they don’t come).  The rooms have been extra cold lately so we asked them to turn up the temperature, but there seems to be no middle ground.  The most eventful thing that happened was that I took the wrong bus home.  I accidentally took the bus that usually comes before 292.  At first as I settled in, I noticed that the bus took Montrose instead of Main.  I just thought that Main had bad traffic and the bus was taking a different route.  I closed my eyes.  After awhile as I opened them, I didn’t recognize any of the buildings or bridges.  I asked a white lady what bus we were on and she reported that it was 298, which runs towards Addicks, which is in Northwest Houston.  My first thought was Vickie.  Oh no!  I called my Dad.  The lady next to the aisle, sitting next to the white lady, heard me speak in Mandarin and started answering my Dad’s questions to me, which I relayed to my Dad.  Eventually I handed her the phone (she told me the route to take back), but my Dad made the final decision that it was best to pick me up at the first stop that the bus makes.  I called Vickie, Phoebe, Hannah, who called me back.  She asked me some questions and we discussed our experiences.  She said tonight’s the first night that she actually gets home before 10:00 p.m. and that she has some time to unwind and watch television.  Wow!

On Friday I got off work at 5:00 p.m. instead of 4:30 p.m. (unanticipated; in fact, I was hoping to get off work early).  At the bus stop I chatted with Rachel Harrington, who’s a psychology intern also on Team B (Dr. Barber’s psychiatric team).  She’s 28 years old, married, lives in Katy, and is earning her degree from U of H, where she met her current husband.  The bus finally arrived at 5:30 p.m.  I went off to dinner, then went to WHCC.

This is my last week before I start my last fieldwork rotation at the Ben Taub NeuroPsychiatric Center.  After making some thank-you postcards, I thought I would spend the rest of the week quietly studying my student binder that I had gone to copy in advance (hopefully to give me an edge).  Since I had to quit my pediatric rotation after my midterm in May, I still had a Metro month bus pass left and had kept it to use when I returned this February.  I went to check in its storage and was aghast that it was missing.  I thought back and the last time I saw it was when my Dad asked if I still had it and I pulled it out to show him.  Apparently I didn’t return it (worth $78) to the storage spot.  I frantically searched the rest of my car, my mom’s car, my room, my files.  I always seem to get overly stressed with losing things; my entire body tenses up.  My Dad immediately reassures me: “Don’t worry, it’s okay, we can get another one.”  So we did (the last day to buy a mo