Tag Archive

I’ve been trying to incorporate more exercise into my daily routine in order to better focus on studying (and combat depression and be healthier overall).  I asked Lisa Leu (she lives about five minutes away) to run with me at the Dulles track (so as to prevent knee erosion) and today was our first time.  We met at Mamie George Branch Library so I could show her where to go.  When we arrived, there were a lot of African-American people (and some other ethnicities).  It appeared they were there for a race.  I wanted to turn back (can I blame social phobia?), but Lisa asked one of the men if we could use the track.  He was a jokester and teased us saying we could run many kilmeters.  Apparently they had just finished a race.  We walk a lap to warm up (and wait until everyone left) before stretching and starting our first lap jogging.  Nearing the end, Lisa asked to stop, but I said we could at least finish one lap.  Then we started walking.  And talking.  She is on HCC BASIC’s steering committee this year (along with Andrew, James, Jesslyn, and Robert).  A large part of our conversation turned to community and inclusivity.  I ask her about her past (she left Taiwan at the age of 12 to Virginia, then California, then Dallas, then Houston).  I ask her her testimony (she’s one of those “always believed” kind of gals), and she asked me mine.  She offered to pray for me regarding studying, taking, and passing my NBCOT exam.  

Oh yeah, and she’s also one of those gals who tend to be very..”girly” she describes herself, and…hopeful, trusting, steadfast in her faith.  In other words, very different from someone like me who more readily identifies with “Doubting” Thomas.  Not that it’s a bad thing of any of us, as long as by the end we all proclaim, “My Lord and my God!” (John 20:28).  She basically attributes anything to God, and after a few “explanations” to her I found myself saying “It was all God’s doing” and related statements.  I felt kind of funny about it because I’m not used to that (and was I also trying to “keep up” with her?), but also I think because a part of me really likes to suck the awe out of many phenomena.  Positively, to point out all the facts and then view it with a better understanding, for me it’s even more amazing on God’s part!

One of the things we talked about last last week was our experience(s) in dating.  Amidst the discussion, I was asked why I’ve only had one romantic relationship though I reported feeling comfortable around guys.  Up until maybe a few months ago, I’ve only been asked by guys who don’t believe in God (yes, my options are becoming better, just need to hold out a little longer, eh? lol).  Nonetheless, I think perhaps that is due to me being around hanging out with so many guys.  And deeper still, I’ve come to realize that I may be pretty closed off, not to guys (because I love guys) but to feelings in general:

friend:  i like the romanticism
me:  i’m turning around to it
friend:  you dont like it?
me: kinda cynical, i guess?
  or
  the other night we had dinner
  and i think “feelings” are very foreign to me
friend:  hm why do you think
  or… i mean, well youve dated before
  did you not have feelings then?
me: but then, i was all depressed
  so when ___ came along, i basically decided to throw myself into it
  regardless of the consequences
friend:  so whys it so foreign to think that you could feel the same way for another person
  you would rather not try at all than to try and risk getting heartbroken?
me: well, i wasn’t conciously doing it back then
  like, “amy, build wall so i won’t get heartbroken”
  but right now, i realize i really didn’t give “feelings” a fair chance in anything
friend:  lol
  well…feelings are fleeting
me: probably a big part of how i ended up becoming depressed
  yes, they are, but they have their rightful place
  and i wasn’t giving them the credit due them

This not only includes limerance but also anger, anxiety, sadness, disappointment, even happiness, amusement, you name it!  So much so that I don’t know how to handle them at all; I deny that I feel them.  Only recently have I accepted the challenge to process and put them into words.  You know how it is with the immigrant Asian parents (most of them that I know).  You try to ask them about their past, or how they’re feeling, and it’s like I’m talking alien.  So having copied that, and adding a good dose of my own tendencies, I’ve gone too far on the end of the spectrum.  Counseling was fail, so I took things into my own hands and am slowly figuring things out:  “As stress increases, ‘learned behavior’ tends to give way to the natural style, so the ISTP will behave more according to type when under greater stress, such as withdrawing from people, sorting out detailed points that could perhaps wait, and ignoring their feelings.  Under extreme stress, the ISTP’s shadow may appear, a negative form of ENFJ.  Example characteristics include displaying intense feelings towards others, insisting on things being done without any logical basis, being very sensitive to criticism, having a gloomy view of the future, and attributing unrealistic negative meaning to others’ actions or statements.” 

When I flew to New Jersey without telling anybody to see my first..boyfriend (haha, what a weird label), I was at one of my lowest points in my life.  After I confessed to my parents and friends, I still felt “not right.”  The entire time I tried to convince myself out of doing it, even with my fellow spiritual brothers and sisters’ help, but the truth that it didn’t work is because part of me would do it all over again, and that scares me.  Being so vulnerable at the time (and foolish, headstrong, and impulsive), let’s just say that if he wanted to have sex, he would’ve gotten in.  And oh my, the shame I would have to deal with!  I thank God every day that He didn’t let me put myself in the hands of someone who didn’t care about me, someone who could’ve taken full advantage of me.  I was pretty reckless, so I knew I’d be caught eventually, even though I think I felt bad for being caught (reputation?) and not for doing what I did (grieving God, my family, and my friends). 

I brought up my concern with my brother, who said, out of experience, that the remorse will come in due time.  I’m not sure what I was looking for, but I sure don’t look forward to that time, because who wants to feel guilty?  Even if it is godly (2 Corinthians 7:8-10), not many people I know wants to go through the fire to the purified part (Malachi 3:2-3).  But the part that wants to do it all over again is getting smaller and smaller.  And yes, my knowledge that I will reap the consequences of those actions in my marriage is growing because I did indeed “arouse or awaken love [before] it so desires” (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4).  Right now, I’m so glad that the way God let me fall forced me to be open with my close family and friends (interesting that some who are depressed only tell their families, and others only tell their friends) so I won’t have to go through trying to tiptoe around them until I break (again).  I hope I’ve learned the lesson well this time around so that there won’t be some even more drastic fall in the future for me!

Some of the wise will stumble, so that they may be refined, purified and made spotless until the time of the end, for it will still come at the appointed time.

Not the television series season finale tonight.  That’s just how I describe how I’ve been feeling for quite some time.  And that’s what I’ve been telling people.  Like I wrote in an email three weeks ago when asked for a prayer request:  “On a personal note, I still feel lost, but it’s not this big suffocating weight and desperation, and I don’t really think it’s a bad thing either.  Still, I think what was said at Bible study was right on target, I really don’t even know what to specify except that I really haven’t touched that Bible in forever.  I used to read it every day.  So that is a step.  But just everything is on my mind really, like counseling and church and career and stuff….”  Before, it was this feeling of desolation that would be the catalyst of a stampede of thoughts that no one cares (e.g. second-guessing my friends and family, perceiving past gatherings from under the shadow of a dark cloak).  Just as Phoebe knows her fear of the stage is irrational, I know these thoughts are irrational, but it still doesn’t much help with untangling that knot during the deer-in-headlights moment.  Depression is irrational!  Or is it?  I remember Hannah made a comment after watching Lifting the Veil, saying she somewhat believes that some who have depression are more in tune with reality than us “normal” people because we “ignore” the atrocities and stick with an “illusion” of rosiness in order to not go “crazy.”

“Keep Breathing”
by Ingrid Michaelson

The storm is coming but I don’t mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that i know is I’m breathing now.

I want to change the world…instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I’m breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that I know is I’m breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

Anyway, I guess this is as good a time as any to at least sort a smidgen in my mind/heart/spirit:

COMMUNITY
Genesis 35:11

Last Thursday I drove my parents to Austin to pay a last visit before my brother left for one week (to visit his former roommate), to give him his luggage (so he can pack), and to clean out his fridge (because he can leave food on the stove and not ever eat or clean it out).  My brother and I are very close.  We grew up with the same parents and familial history, in the same household, went to the same school for awhile, even were in the exact class and period for a class or two in high school (personal tutor, baby!).  We initially hung out with the majority of the same acquaintances (and lack thereof) and shared in the same struggles regarding church and friends and connectedness that we still discuss to this day, many times while in his room chatting up to the wee hours of the night/morn and our parents would come and say time to go to bed!  We are considerably different when you meet us, no doubt, as I am more like our mother and he is more like our father.  And in fact since high school we have led very different lives and rarely hang out or even talk with the same people, friends, or each other.  Nonetheless, during those occasional phone calls, I would say that I still feel close and  would still reveal much embarrassing/humbling/shameful things to him.

By the way, he had moved into a new apartment (from the urgings of his currently ex-girlfriend) and bought some furniture.  Where did they come from?  The famous Craigslist.  I have never been to the site, but many many people have made references to it.  From my understanding, it’s a virtual (that sometimes eventually leads to a physical) place where people can sell and exchange practically anything, from sofas and endtables to jobs, pets, and discussions.  It reminds me of Facebook and Myspace, two sites which Jennifer Garcia is part of and asked me if I was as well (I’m not, and actually most people in FBCC don’t have Facebook).  I’m not part of Craigslist, either, but is it something to BE a part of?  But those in Facebook and Myspace are still part of that network since they are still signed up in it, right?  Am I still part of Xanga if I decide I won’t write in it anymore (no activity), even if I have two blogs hosted on it?  You used to need an account to leave a comment, but now you don’t.  Do those who have never signed up part of Xanga if they leave a million comments on others’ Xanga blogs?  What does it mean to be part of a community?  What does it mean to be part of a church, and to be part of His Church?

FELLOWSHIP
Acts 2:42-47

I have been faithfully attending church services on Sundays since childhood.  But this past January, since I’ve always hated it (since middle school and El Paso, and even in Austin), I made a conscious decision to just stop going.  I made no effort to wake up earlier than usual, and even if I did, I didn’t even consider the possibility of perhaps attending.  Not until I figure out which church to attend regularly (do I want to stick with FBCC with its new chapter?), why I feel the way I do about it (is it the environment, the specific social situation?), and my reasons for going.  Three Sundays ago, I told Tiffany that though I haven’t really been communing with God lately, and though I have never ever exactly lauded FBCC, I have come to the conclusion to return to FBCC.  Now I have to dissect what that entails.

Regardless of its vagueness, it was a difficult decision.  Vickie is in San Antonio, so that’s why she says she continues to attend WHCC (her default).  However, she says that when she returns to a more permanent stay in Houston, she’ll move to Access, which is where Phoebe and Linton are fellowshiping now.  Access is starting out as a small but highly committed group.  When it grows in size, how will it look like?  Are people still going to connect?  To start off last fall, Pastor Ted asked his congregants to read The Celtic Way of Evangelism: How Christianity Can Reach the West…Again by George G. Hurton III.  In it, the key to evangelism is through understanding and living as a fellowship among the people, and in time they will open their hearts to the God who knows them.  The old Roman way was for people to believe before they can belong, while the new Celtic way is for you to belong and eventually believe.  In other words, the community and not an individual brings you to Christ.  In many ways, it’s easier to tell someone the Gospel than it is to take someone where s/he consistently experiences the Gospel.

How do we belong?  I sure feel like I belong to WHCC and HCC more than FBCC.  I know I am at fault for not terribly trying much, but even though I don’t really try, I get invited to their birthday parties, their holiday celebrations, and their event gatherings.  They even apologize profusely for forgetting to add me onto their list and making sure I am included next time.  On the flip side, I try the hardest with FBCC (but not my hardest in general) by calling and emailing them to contact me to hang out, and instead I’ve come to expect voicemail and oh yeah, this is what we’re doing right now, if you want to come.  Is it because at least one or two people keep track of me at WHCC and HCC, but no one does here at FBCC?  That could make all the difference.  Or is it that I expect more (and keep a record of wrongs?) because I have decided to be included at FBCC but I am nonchalant with whether I am invited to WHCC or HCC?  I remember back in January there was a slew of WHCC birthdays, and then in February there was a slew of FBCC birthdays.  Somehow, I ended up going to the WHCC ones but not the FBCC ones as much; I don’t remember now, but at the time was it due to scheduling conflicts or did I finally decide to attend the WHCC ones because I was more comfortable with them?  What does it mean to expect the worse but hope for the best?  How do you have high expectations but….? 

When I entered college, I checked out a handful of Christian gatherings.  I joined a small group that was part of the then-called Chinese Bible Study because it was the thing to do and everyone kept emphasizing them.  Our group fell apart,one by one, until it was just the Bible study leader, me, and this girl who was highly committed and hadn’t yet accepted Jesus.  I felt sorry, but that wasn’t going to cut it, so I left highly disappointed and joined CCC.  Later, I learned that one of the girls who wasn’t that much of a believer became good friends with Kara and eventually made an amazing transformation through His grace.  The thing is, though you can encourage group ownership, it sure can’t be forced.  Anyone knows nagging doesn’t work, although we find ourselves doing it.  Haven’t you noticed with some you just click instantly and with others you don’t?  Some people find you dull, while others find you exciting, or at least around them somehow you light up.  Even if you give all the time you can, with all the sincerity and effort, with both of you seeking, even if you lived near each other.  Reminds me of that girl from Chicago: we had an affinity towards each other so we’d decide to meet up and all, but anyone can tell from our conversations that somehow we just weren’t clicking.  Eventually we both decided without words to call it off.  She was a smart and pretty girl; I wonder where she is now after UT Austin pre-pharm classes.

Maybe we’re defining incorrectly.  Back in high school, I was elected to be the Science Club president, with a new teacher sponsor.  It bothered me that our definition of a member was someone who paid the fee.  There were those who were super dedicated, coming and helping at every single event, while others never showed up but they did pay the money.  I didn’t enjoy being president, so for me to keep everything running was as good as it was going to get, not trying to change their pre-existing system.  Magnificat has an application process but afterwards you’re in for life.  Even with years of hiatus you are always wlecome to come back and use the resources.  I met Annie Shen at an HCC gathering, and she says she hangs out with HCC, serves in her home Asian church, and then attends a more American (or African-American?) church on Sunday mornings.  Seems fragmented and yet, is that something I want to imitate?  In a way, her method demonstrates that we together are the Bride of Christ.  Vickie’s always running around hanging out with all these groups because we are all interconnected (actually, if left to my own devices, I really don’t care to make new friends). 

Indeed, it is impossible to know everyone, even within a single church building (”Abandon Committees, Skip Teams, and Embrace Communities” by George Bullard), so is there significance in “choosing” a church?  Are we to attend, serve, and gather within one?  What does the modern-day “fellowship of the believers” look like?  I think my problem would be choosing, because many times events have been booked for the same weekend.  Do I even it out?  Or instead, focus?  Still, I remember in the past when someone at FBCC needed a bone marrow transplant due to leukemia; the whole church gathered together.  We have also drawn together to fundraise for missions we support.  And the Chinese churches have gathered together for events as well (although it appears that FBCC does that less than the others).  Our mechanic, dentist, realtor, and family physician all were borne from the network of these Chinese churches.  It’s like “The New Science of Networks” by Albert-Laszlo Barabasi (who wrote it after reading “The Strength of Weak Ties“ by Mark S. Granovetter).

Still, when I went to RecWeek it was a big deal since I didn’t commit myself to InterVarsity but to CCC:EPIC (who has their own similar conference: DWC)–the IV leader went to the CCC leader to make sure they knew about me and it was okay with them!  Actually, it is the close relationships I formed in EPIC, not IV, that continue to live on.  I’ve still visited Josh, sent a card to Jonathan Le, had a few meals with prayers and talks of our spiritual struggles with Marie when she stops in town, and exchanged sparse emails with Iris.  Which reminds me: before the birth of EPIC, Alice and I were part of a CCC cell group.  The concept is that, as it grew, it would split and thus multiply.  We had to decide who we wanted to go with: Ophelia or Kristen.  I couldn’t decide at all.  Eventually, on the Jester steps, Iris poured out her heart and tears and basically begged me to be part of the one she had chosen.  I don’t remember if I had chosen one yet at this point, or if I ended up choosing the one that she asked me to be a part of, but I just remember this particular heart-wrenching moment.  I’ve never felt so loved and accepted.  And then, even leaving a comment on a random Xanga where they just started their own EPIC, I never would have imagined that eventually she would pray for my sins, and then point me (with Rudi) to spent one night of our two-week road trip at a stranger’s apartment.  Not only did this sister in Christ open her place for us and provide hospitality, she also prayed for and over us.

FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS
Luke 15:1-7

Perhaps Josh had a better glimpse of how this all operates when he wrote his journal entry on seasonal friendships.  On the snowboarding trip, not only did I reinforce previous friendships but also forged new ones.  Liz prayed for me when she didn’t even know me, only because she knew I needed the spiritual support.  Now we still exchange postcards and emails.  I haven’t spoken to Ruth since I’ve moved back from El Paso; she was a wonderful roommate.  During the student orientation at UT Austin, somehow I ended up hanging with a Hispanic girl and an African-American guy.  I remember the incident when we were eating some free food in a large banquet hall, and he said that he really stood out.  “Because we’re under the skylight?”  “No, because I’m the only black person in this room.”  It was really nice to not be alone and to share the experience with others in the same boat.  I remember her waving at me later, and he visited my dorm freshman year, but now I don’t even remember his or her names (or faces….).  When we graduated, Sapna gave me an old photograph of when the three of us (including Reena) were in second grade? and I had played this detective game with them by planting clues: ”It takes a long time to grow an old friend.”  Back in high school, Carla Ortiz gave me this:  “Thanks for being my friend & for being the caring person that you are to me.  Your the GREATEST friend.  Happy B-day to a friend that means ALOT to me.”  I remember thinking, this is so out of nowhere!  I don’t recall any conversations we’ve had in the past, and ever since I have not a clue what’s going on with her.  She says I’m such a great friend to her, but how?  I know many times I’m nice to those I really would prefer never to hang out with again, but with her it wasn’t even that….

I remember back in Austin, Timmy Chui wrote about The Atomic Tiers of Friendship haha; wonder where he got his ideas.  Phoebe and Hannah have been gone for a week in Hong Kong and will be gone for another week.  I have been contemplating our relationships since I’ve been back at my parents’ place for the time being.  Phoebe and I grew close first semester of freshman year and then agreed to an accountability relationship thereafter until I moved to El Paso.  Hannah and I gelled a connection after her 22nd birthday while exchanging deep, dark, familiar yet unsimilar, privacies.  We’ve hung out I think usually once a week together on the weekends, but of course it’s not like before.  I think other acquaintances (not “friends”) know more about them than I do at this point.  I’m not exactly pining for the days gone by but rather how to take those spontaneous moments along into the future, how to cultivate the environment for our older selves in new stages, for the sake of the gospel, for our children.

I mentioned that we should be neighbors so our kids can play together.  Linton said, “But you don’t even have a boyfriend!.”  Indeed, I’m not even close to marrying, let alone having children.  I never really got to know my neighbors, but it turns out that I know a little more (thanks to my dad) than Phoebe and Hannah do about theirs (they say they’re new).  Linton has to feed their dog Missy, but it seems that in the past (or at least in media), the neighbor usually handles that role.  As I drive towards Dulles Avenue, I always pass a driveway packed with boys who have grown tall and lanky!  I don’t know who lives there, but I’ve seen African-American guys, Asian-American guys, and white guys all playing basketball together.  When Gilmore Girls first came out, what drew me was not only the intelligent banter but the concept that they lived in a (too) close-knit town.  Everyone would eat at the local Luke’s Diner, and then people could hang out on their front porches and say hello to those walking by.  But they sure had a lot of gossip.  (And, as Phoebe said, when Dean made love to Rory, we were shocked.  So much for a clean series.)  I absolutely adored the neighborhood playground my brother and I frequented as children.  Okay, so maybe this concept is now dangerous in this day and age.  Then you can have those “gated communities” that Jessica/Robert/Rosemery (and my brother) are in (compare with the med center condos that Alison/Wilson/Cindy live in).

MARRIAGE
Ephesians 5:22-33

I always say that I feel more comfortable around guys than girls (verus for Linton he says he grew up feeling more comfortable around girls than guys).  The past few weeks I wonder how I came to that conclusion, both mentally and subconsciously in how I act.  I mean, I hung out with both while in school (and senior year it was a table of all females during lunch, man I miss Arlene and oh, her birthday was this past Sunday), and at church it wasn’t like the guys in my class treated me better than the girls.  I would also say that I have more guy friends than girl friends, yet if I lost my guy friends I would be sad but not as devastated as if I were to lose a friendship with a girl. 

Chris Sun is a prime example.  In fact, I’m almost hesitant to call him a friend.  Is he more of a…frequent acquaintance?  Seriously, the only reason we hang out is through Linton (and satellite friends).  I have a [funny] birthday card that he gave me freshman year.  Little did I know then how rare that is.  Yet he’s probably going to be one of Linton’s groomsman, and I did invite him to my birthday dinner, I guess to even it out.  I also invited Nathan Kim, and we rarely talk.  In fact, we just see each other at football and usually don’t even exchange words.  But I know if I am in need of prayer or other help, he will respond, as he always emails back amidst his numerous activities.  And then there are Andrew, Nathan, and Inch.  Well, I haven’t been in contact with them for quite a long time now, but it’s okay.  I think I feel closer to them than the other people I’ve met from football simply because I met them through Vickie, and somehow that changed the dynamics in how I associate with them, like sending them Christmas cards.

Haha, remember when Tina Chen thought that David Kalloor and I were dating because he’d come over so often freshman year before either of us made many new friends?  It never occurred to me, and I never ever did/will have that thought concerning him.  Whereas with Siwei we, I have no idea how, hit it off right off the bat (where/when/who).  I could tell him everything that I tell my brother–that’s how close I felt with him.  But I barely met him.  At first I clung to thinking, “What does it mean to know my husband?” but like friendships, there are those you just click with and those you don’t.  So I’ve let go of that.  When I said no in Austin to a sweet guy who asked me out, he asked if it was because he didn’t believe in God.  “No, I’m just not attracted to you.”  Somehow, I didn’t feel it.  

Although, I think that has to do with our current culture.  If parents don’t approve of your choice nowadays, that’s usually overlooked instead of trying to reconcile.  In past customs (like the dowry) and in prevailing traditions (like the father “giving away” the daughter) though, it’s really a relationship between the two families, if not also between/within churches (The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony by Pamela Paul), dating with the approval of your community, who is in the place to help you weigh in the other factors of values and also keep you accountable.  That’s probably why Erwin and I are somewhat okay when thinking about arranged marriages.  I think the problem occurs when they make matches due to affluence and distinguishment, etc, as all humans end up messing up good systems.  My question to myself is, “If a guy I highly respect were to ask me but I just wasn’t feeling it, even after multiple extended rendezvous, would I accept?”  I think this is the wisdom I need to ask God about: the ability to discern whether an obstacle is the result of the need for discipline/perseverance (hurdle) or is the result of the need for a detour/fork (wall).  That’s what I’ve been trying to consider about waking up early, memorizing verses, personality in socializing, planning (using a planner works great for me, but Jennifer Lin says it doesn’t help her at all), kit with relatives, exercising, friendships as mentioned above, love languages….

PURPOSE
John 17:4

Last Wednesday, we met for FBCC Ladies’ Group.  The overall concensus was, we have no idea where we are headed and how our stories will end on earth and continue in heaven.  Many are figuring out whether to change to an entirely new area of study, or at least a new job within their current finished schooling.  The competition rises each year it seems among valedictorians/salutatorians, and I am amazed at just how ambitious and passionate they appear to be; you wonder if they will reach it, and if they will find satisfaction in reaching it.  As the dark clouds slowly dissipate, at times an epiphany or some clarity will shine through, but then it quickly disappears and I’m in a fog again, but still in a better state for seeing it.  I’m usually at peace when I think that I will be married while going about the house, how I’ve always vaguely but contentedly imagined it, helping supporting supplementing whatever he endeavors.  Despite that, Proverbs 31 had always bothered me, but even now the Proverbs 31 woman is now a celebration and challenge.  This always-wife desire and this in-the-Bible-but-doesn’t-seem-right disenchantment is finally coming together.  I guess I didn’t realize that it made me feel intimidated, incompetent, hopeless, exhausted (in my own power) like reading the goals of the graduates.  Instead, as God is making us perfect, as women He is making us her (His power with our participation), in our own unique ways. 

Of course, having “peace” doesn’t always mean I’m on the right track, but again you can’t discount it either.  I get restless when I think that I have been blessed beyond what I could’ve asked or imagined and with that comes the stewardship of making great strides for His kingdom (and thus even before believing but being raised in church, missions was always attractive to my naive eyes).  The thing is, ultimately we are to obey and glorify, NOT to change the world.  I think it is in this that I am transitioning from abstractness into something more pragmatic, as I am slowly lifted out and glean the gems that can only be understood from coming out of trip-ups, temptations, and trials.  I was all tangled up in my buzz words of community/friends/romance/vulnerability/missions/reconciliation/prayer, I’ve forgotten to “look up!”  I’ve been trying to figure out what God has given me a gift in, where God has placed my passions in, and how it could all work in this current culture, but conclusively regardless of techniques and training, the umph will be from God.  

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.  Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.  All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.  For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! (Philippians 3:7-16, Romans 11:36).

AMEN.

I was invited to lunch, which I thought would be a lot of people, but it turned out arriving at Yantze there was just Linton, Vickie, Chris, and Phoebe.  Which I like of course (since I prefer smaller groups).  As soon as I walked in Vickie exclaimed, “So cute!” LOL.  I had this half-length-tie-in-front purple clothing item that I had bought awhile back (maybe even a year ago?) but never wore in public (because it’s different for me) that I finally wore over a red tank top.  And I wore my plaid red cap.  Yeah, I look cute ;-P  I ate their leftovers (or rather, Phoebe’s leftovers, although I had eaten at home).  Linton went to take Phoebe back, so Chris went to Juicebox for a drink.  Vickie went there to change, and I ended up getting a parking space just as the two of them were finished.  Outside the place, Vickie bumped into Cindy? (from HCC?) so we said hello. 

Afterwards we went to play basketball (also with Linton and Laurie) at T. H. Rogers.  Vickie left for San Antonio, then Jeannette came.  I hear she’s a pretty good basketball player (on the team in middle school?), but she is also such a light-hearted person, playing around with me like sticking out her butt and waving like a maniac.  I can tell when everyone isn’t playing up to par around me (like the guys), but otherwise I’d be crushed, haha.  Linton had to leave around 5:30, so we ended then. 

I still went to football.  I pulled up just as Robert C got into his vehicle to leave.  I came up to Jesslyn and James talking.  I wasn’t sure if I was interrupting the couple, but I wasn’t about to go up to Nathan Kim and the other guys surrounding Wilson (they looked like a team going over plays).  I was lamenting on there not being any girls, but James pointed out that they were flying kites!  So I ran to join them.  The Hello Kitty one was a cinch to fly (but the winds were so strong to break off the string after awhile), but the butterfly wouldn’t go up at all.  James and Alison and I tried and tried and tried.  We thought maybe it was too heavy and took off some of the plastic rods.  We tried flying it upside down.  We tried all directions (the wind was flying all directions).  Finally we headed over the main field.  Lindi had bought a pack of bubbles, so we all took a bottle.  They were having trouble, but I just utilized the wind - ingenius ;-) hehe.  James ended up wrestling with Robert H, who ended up fixing our kite problem.  It was apparently assembled to in effect not utilize the wind (instead of buoying itself on the breeze).  Thanks!  Yay!

Afterwards, we headed to Boston Market for dinner again.  This time Alison, Lisa, Lindi, Robert, James, and I shared the chicken group combo deal.  The sides we chose were garlic mashed potatoes, vegetable casserole, greens in cream, cream corn, and other creamed items.  Discussion involved guys needing to take leadership, how us females need to respond (in one case you don’t want to say anything to the guy because then the guy will be nagged on and feel they have not made the decision even if the best gentlest encouragement was given), if we females need to wait/pray it out, etc.  And sometimes, James admitted, he just doesn’t want to do something so he should just say he doesn’t want to do it instead of giving excuses of too busy and things like that because at the end of the day it’s, he could’ve made time to do it if he really really wanted to.

Later, I joined the others at Robert C’s house.  There was already a group there playing poker.  Katie Chong was there reading/studying the lecture video on her laptop while playing.  Andrew, Wilson, and Chris Lu (who asked me to leave the door open as I was leaving because it was cool outside/hot inside) were also there.  Robert H came because he wanted to play Nertz (and Jeff Tang had expressed interest, because he was simply watching them play - since they were really betting, even if the money was nominal).  But first, we were like, where did James go?  So Robert and I headed upstairs into his room.  I said, “Let’s sing!” and I didn’t realize it but Robert sort of teased/imitated my hand gestures and then gave this “Um, ookay” face about my suggestion.  But the three of us really did end up singing the songs we sing in church while James played his keyboard.  At one point I thought, oh wait, is Robert C sleeping?  But James said that Robert has told him in the past that he doesn’t hear anything since right behind the wall is the bathroom and not the bed.  At times Robert Hwang and I would switch voices (I would sing low and he would sing high).  David Zhao came up to take a shower, and he commented that he thought there were more girls besides me, haha!  Katie asked if I could take her home, which I obliged, but then she changed her mind for some reason.  She was all sunburned because she hates the texture of sunscreen (reminds me of Nathan Kim).  We were all like, well, better than getting…skin cancer? 

This weekend a lot of people, including Cynthia Lay but especially BASIC members, are out of town attending Ly Tran’s wedding (to Cynthia’s childhood friend) in the Dallas area.  I let my brother know about that since Ly used to be a respected mentor to him.  

Saturday morning I showered then returned Mod Podge to Michael’s.  Then I went to Morris’s neighborhood playground to attend Jaelyn’s party to celebrate her turning two years old.  They had a lot of food (spaghetti, catered sandwiches, fried eggrolls of course yum, cake, fruit, water, cookies….).  Jaelyn seems to like playing by herself and not the friendliest towards others.  We tried to take a picture with her, but she kept walking around.  I went on the swings and she wanted so I placed her on and pushed her a little.  Her mom came over and suggested maybe to play on the playground equipment again, and she complied.  It was a bit windy.  Someone bought Jaelyn her first “car” - I wonder if it’s battery powered, and she really can sit in it and drive it.  My parents left to take grams home.  I left some minutes after. 

Afterwards, I drove over to Panera Bread on Westheimer (next to Fogo de Chao) and tried to enjoy the weather and use their free wi-fi, but since my computer has a glossy monitor it tired me out quite quickly.  Around 5 pm, Linton called me (I had called Hannah a few times but that didn’t work) to eat at Benningan’s (they had gone rock climbing).  I turned that offer down since they were in the northwest.  He called me back and said they changed locations (the Benningan’s in the Galleria), so I agreed to meet them because I was quite hungry (I was going to eat at Panera but..I guess today I just leeched off of their facilities).  I think they didn’t arrive until 6:30 (an hour later than expressed), so we didn’t get our food until 7:30?  Most of us got the combo deal; Elliot and I split the deal because it was perfect–I got the entree and he ate the appetizer and dessert.  Elliot liked my red plaid hat :-)  Hannah Lin said that she doesn’t really wear accessories but when she sees others wear them she reconsiders.  Jennifer Lin, Laurie, the younger sister of Darwin, and Hannah Kwan (on crutches) with her boyfriend were there, too. 

The twins, Linton, and some of the others were going to attend a grassroots concert (one of Phoebe’s classmates was going to perform).  Well, I felt bad that there was no one attending Karin Hsieh’s Mary Kay Makeup Party, so I replied, “Yes.”  Thus I had to turn down the concert since it was at the same time (8 pm).  I got there at 8:30, and then we didn’t end until 10:30ish.  Karin used me as her first guinea pig to practice demonstrating the presentation (showing the different products, letting me try on the makeup, etc.).  It wasn’t too bad, and she gave me some free samples (i.e. I gave my aunt the foundation).  John Hsieh came back (we were at their parents’ gated community) and reported that he went to Swirll (1944A West Gray / Houston, TX 77019 / 713.523.4888) at 8:30 but no one was there so he left.  I called Jessica to see what happened, and she said that they just left there (there were about a handful of people..?) - she just arrived with Derrick late around 9 pm.  No big deal; I was quite tired.

And it turns out on Sunday I did end up going to Swirll after all.  Oliver Huang is the manager (Jessica Ng’s family friend is the owner).  They have the following flavors:  Original, Tart and Icy, Passion Fruit, Raspberry, Pomegranate, Blueberry, Green Apple, Mango, Banana, Cookies and Cream, Coconut, Vanilla Classic, Vanilla (no sugar), Strawberry, Strawberry (no sugar), and Chocolate (no sugar).  Another one (5000 Westhemier #608 / 77056) is supposedly opening up next weekend (free frozen yogurt!).  Call 713.552.0863 to make sure.

I was at home finishing up my activity analysis project since I’m presenting it this coming Wednesday; it was my first time in my life decoupaging.  Waiting is a crucial step.  I didn’t arrive on Willow Park until 1845, so I was surprised people were still playing flag football.  James suggested going to Boston Market to eat dinner.  Charles, Henry, and Elliot loitered until we were the last ones there.  Henry finally went home to shower, and then Charles (who drove Elliot) decided to just start driving and they’ll make a decision on the way.  Ah, my Staffordites. 

The BASIC guys shared a group meal; I was late (onto 288?) so I got the children’s plate.  I ended up sitting in front of Jeff Tang?.  It was a bit awkward…I wanted to join in the group conversation, but he was friendly and asked me questions about what I do and trying to relate, talking about bipolar, etc.  He didn’t play football today but he comes out at times; he just joined for dinner today.  Jeff Chen came later and sat at the end of the table that was moved to connect with a booth (he ended up ordering the same thing as Jeff Tang, haha).  At one point, Robert C asked if I we had a policy that we could not date our patients.  I figure sure, although if there wasn’t one in place, I don’t think anyone would really want to date them!  Robert said that if they were your patient once in their life, then s/he could never date the doctor.  Hm….  Andrew talked about having girls come watch the guys play in their basketball league on Saturdays so that they would play harder but not better - or rather, so that he (with his sprained ankle) could mingle with all the females LOL.  “Will you come, Amy?”  Uh…. 

Robert C convinced me to go to Swirll, saying it was only a few minutes away.  I called Karin to let her know about it (and unfortunately she called me back late at night, and a couple more times at that, while I was dog tired - I didn’t want to be rude but I cut her off and said I had to sleep for work tomorrow).  Vickie called me as I was sampling the flavors so I ended up having no idea what was good.  Derrick said his favorites are Pomegranate and Mango?  I may have totally made that up.  The guys who came were Robert, Robert, Jeff, Jeff, Derrick, John, and Andrew if I recall correctly (Alan and James went back home).  I was on the phone, so I missed something that Andrew said to/asked of me…suspicious….

Saturday, March 29, 2008.  Sally works today.  I dropped dad off at Home Depot then picked up Phoebe and Becka at the Lins’s house.  Hannah had Houston READ (website’s not really working lately) training that morning so she came by herself around noon.  Our Beacon shift is from 11 am to 2 pm.  Other people who came today were Linton, Brian Lee, Chi-Chi, Greg from Access, and six Rice students that Peter Ou invited.  Hannah helped with the laundry, and as expected (this is her first time) she was very impressed with the efficiency.  (They didn’t pass out clothes today, like I did last time, which was my first time.)  Becka and I volunteered to help with the salad, not knowing (or at least not me, but probably her as well since this is her first time) we’d have the hardest lunch lady jobs.  It’s the hardest because while the entrees just need to be scooped (which I’m guessing can be difficult as well since you need strength to scoop), we had to assemble ours on the spot (and you know how they can be picky).  It was basically nonstop for the full three hours.  Becka handled the fruit salad but helped me out when there was a stream of garden salad requests (lettuce, tomato, cucumber, and dressing).  I abandoned the utensils and just used my latex-gloved hand to put the lettuce in the bowl, but later on one of the staff whispered in my ear that I had to use the tongs, so I returned to that method.  I didn’t ask about this method, but sometimes I would just use the bowl and scoop the lettuce that way.  Turns out Thousand Island is the most popular, with a close second from Ranch (one guy asked me to pour it on literally everything on his tray), with Italian dressing being the third pick (and it’s also probably the healthiest, because it’s the clearest).  We were sometimes good-naturedly hit on, and one woman commented on my “Cindy Crawford beauty” mole. 

For lunch we went to This Is It.  It was cleaner than the last place we visited (The Breakfast Klub).  They also had two fish tanks: the one close to the restroom is saltwater while the one with the turtles is freshwater (reminds me of Andrew Eng and I don’t know which environment is harder to maintain, I think he had said saltwater because of the salt concentration?).  Phoebe and I shared a combo, and good thing.  Becka and Hannah shared a combo, too.  Peter and Linton of course got their own plates.  Haha, Linton likes this place (probably due to quantity).  I do think The Breakfast Klub is slightly overpriced due to the hype they build up (I felt they were a bit arrogant, if we had contested).  During the meal, Phoebe shared that she had talked with the staff.  Though it’s only been a year since the Beacon opened, there was a lot of planning behind it.  The main guy at first worked with the church staff as a consultant since he used to work at CiCi’s (thus knows how to stretch a dollar), and as a hotel manager (thus the laundry system).  When it was concluded, the church staff asked this church member to join their committee (paid of course), so he agreed.  Amazing how God works; reminds me of “you have come to [this] position for such a time as this” (Esther 4:14 - hey I’m not a Bible scholar in the least, so I may have totally taken that out of context). 

How would you rate the job you have right now?  Linton says he’d rate it a 4-6 on a 10 scale.  Someone mentioned that the better scale would be a 7 scale because 10 is too many and there’s not a significant difference between the hash marks.  Haha, so he calculated what his 10-scale answer would be on the 7 scale.  Hannah asked me how I would rate occupational therapy.  I couldn’t really give her a real answer (or maybe I gave a better answer?) and she was understanding.  I think all settings of occupational therapy are amazing, especially working with children (I feel if you get that job you would have the most variety of exposure, especially working at Ben Taub), whereas in physical dysfunction you’ll probably have more depth than breadth (e.g. my CI at St. Luke’s really liked neuro, and Shanae ended up getting a job at TIRR in I think Brain Injury).  With my personality, I probably have to go with depth because breadth would probably overwhelm me.  I think what would work for me is to get my handle on something, and then as I learn more and more about it, and research more on my own when I’ve leveled out, I can get better at my little part of the world.  I never really had much of a “vision” either.  That’s just my thinking right now.  But there’s nothing that pops out for me, so vareity and breadth is also attractive….

Everyone left afterwards.  I went to R.E.I. around 4 pm because I saw it from the road (off Westheimer) and figured I’d check it out.  Jessie Tan had mentioned she got a sweet deal on a sleeping bag (that’s awesomely soft, insulated, and easy to pack into a small bag), but the sale was over when I went over and checked.  Michael’s was nearby so I went inside and browsed (bad idea - my time killer).  I finally bought from the clearance rack, about $10 worth of dollar and half-dollar items:  glow sticks, candle tins, big bubble-blower, rolls of yarn, photo mat so I can trace, two decks of magic cards (for Wilson, haha), and brushes for my activity analysis.  I finally arrived home at 6:30, read the comics, ate dinner, played the piano, then went to bed at 8:30.  They went on a night on the town for Kenneth See’s going-away party (since he’s going to California), but that’s not my thing.

Sunday, March 30, 2008.  I left the house pretty early this Sunday, around noon.  I was trying to find free wi-fi hotspot havens (houston.about.com/od/diningoutgoingout/f/wifi.htm) but all the ones I checked out turned out to be nonexistent (Doochie E-Cafe, Cakeland Cafe on Wilcrest, and of course I can’t be in the Holiday Inn parking lot using their internet, which seemed secure anyway).  I gave up and decided to drive to football but keep my eye out for any signs.  United Sisters Restaurant caught my eye, but when I opened the door there were a lot of African-American men watching a game on the television, and I didn’t want to feel like I’m getting on their territory or suspicious (plus my bravery sort of left me) and no one noticed I was at the door so I changed my mind.  I was really hungry so I walked to the Subway on Bellaire instead (it’s not part of the strip, but in the middle of the parking lot).  It’s a one-man show (only one guy is there serving and taking the money).  They didn’t have Seafood Sensation, or Tuna (which is alright with me, since they probably have the most calories), or ____.  I asked him what they DID have, and then he started saying that the previous shift before him didn’t prepare anything for him, so in the morning he was only able to cut the cheese, etc.  He seemed pretty frustrated, I wasn’t picky this afternoon so I wasn’t miff, but the lady behind me was a bit surprised that it was THAT narrow of a selection (she wasn’t demanding or anything).  I think she frequents here more than I do (well, this is my first time haha).  I finally asked for Meatball, which they finally had.  I then worked on school stuff from 2:30-5:30 pm at the Schlotzsky’s next to Randall’s a few minutes away from Willow Park.  I know, I kind of stumbled upon it, so I would’ve bought something to eat there plus use their facility (and their wi-fi, which is for customers only).  I watched them play football from 6 until they left at 7:30.  Tiffany said they were eating someplace close to where she lives, which is far from here, so I said I’ll go home to eat instead.  I went home and did so, talking with Vickie on the phone for an hour about Guatemala.  I washed my clothes, showered, chatted online with Nathan Wang and Jonathan, then went to bed at 11 pm.

That’s the “measurement, calculation, or location used as a basis for comparison” that I don’t really recall much learning about in school but I’m finding out is at the underpinning of all we can do in occupational therapy, or at least in this acute setting.  It’s a bit heart-wrenching, but then again, we can’t keep you forever and give false hope either.  Basically, if someone comes in only at a level of functioning of living at home with supervision, we’re not going to expect or sometimes even believe that person will leave being able to do more than that.  Our efforts are to try as much as possible to get the person to how they came in, right before the incident that brought them into the hospital occurred. 

So in essence, there’s this one guy who used to be very smart.  Reading his history, part of it reminded me of Andrew Eng, and that’s all I can say I think without compromising his confidential information.  He used to be so smart, but in the past years he has decompensated immensely.  His demeanor and motivation level reminds me of myself, hit very close to home for me.  His “baseline” now is thus not when he was working a few years earlier but as he is now, having to live at home with his parents (like me!).  So in the privacy of the small interview room, yesterday I shared that as a matter of fact I was diagnosed recently with MDD and social phobia.  That I knew it was hard (although I don’t and won’t ever know or understand his personal ramifications), and I was here to help if he would just give me something, anything.  “That’s the thing!  I don’t have any plans when I get home.”  I hear ya, brother, I hear ya.  His dad (an atheist) believes that when you die, you die, the end.  His mother is Catholic.  I wanted to ask if he personally knew Jesus, but then I chickened out.  I wasn’t sure what my boundaries were and where I personally stood.  I feel I am only a smidgen less lost than he is right now.  I reverted to the safer route, asking him about community resources.  A step towards getting better.   Made a list.  Maybe seeing what his church offered….

As one who professes to have died and now live for the resurrected Christ, this should perhaps be the most crucial celebration.  However, I did not go to church this morning to join the fellowship of my community, nor did I reflect or rejoice on my own with Him.  Instead, I followed suit in being the busiest person in the world (”When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else–we are the busiest people in the world.” -Eric Hoffer).  That has been my habit lately.  Nonetheless, by the end of the weekend, I couldn’t but help contemplate, if only briefly:

• Romantic tensions.  “Hello.”
• Changing versus challenging another
• Growing old, side by side
• Guys will be guys, after all
• Meeting the Thumball: http://www.catch32ball.com/images/Thumball_PressRelease.doc
• What makes me mad?

Aw, the Rockets lost to the Celtics tonight, breaking our 22-game winning streak (so the streak is flanked on both sides by the Celtics).

After work, Tiffany Lin picked me up.  I had planned to walk to the restaurant early (for tonight) and then take the bus home, but she was really concerned for me (waiting aimlessly at the restaurant, then taking the bus at night) so this was the plan that ensued.  She had just finished exercising so when we got to her apartment she took a shower.  She said that one time she messed up her lower limb from the stairs, and another time it was already messed up so she needed a friend to help her up the stairs all the time. 

Her room was interesting because she has no desk!  She said that she gave the bigger room to her roommate, and also because she doesn’t study at home so she doesn’t need a desk in her room.  On her bed was her baby blanket, the same exact one that I have at home!  She asked to make sure, but it also had a zipper on the edge (so he could be zipped into a mini sleeping back).  Yeup.  It’s the yellow one with the bears on it.  She has a photo album with random photographs and recipes.  She also has a recipe group from a school, where there were contributions from everyone.  I liked to peruse her book titles.  She has this gigantic Rice Univeristy graduation diploma framed on the wall.  She says it was ridiculously priced due to the material (sheepskin?) and size. 

When she came out, we chatted.  She asked if I wanted to watch TV, which I didn’t.  She says she rarely watches TV because she doesn’t want to get sucked into a series and she just isn’t home when a show is broadcasting.  She shared about her past, which I was interested since I don’t know anything about her (and was piqued when she was Grace..Ou’s bridesmaid and she sent a picture of snow from Maryland).  She got into Rice’s go-directly-into-med-school-without-the-MCAT program so she didn’t have to stress about that.  She was commenting how anyone could know what they want to do when they grow up, that she was simply fortunate enough to have guessed it right.  She says she misses the sports from the East Coast, like lacrosse. 

Then it was time to meet at Wilson’s.  We briefly chatted with Andrew, David, and Robert Hwang, whose car we four piled into (not Andrew or Wilson).  Alison showed up at Wilson’s just as we were carpooling to Van Loc.  Going around the table, it was Tiffany, Cynthia, Nathan Kim, Andrew, James Hsia, Wilson, Alison, David Zhao, and Robert.  Aw, Alison is by herself with the guys.  Later, Liang wedged in between Tiffany and me (they ordered for her).  Since I had ended up next to Robert, I finally got to see the “normal” side of him.  He was born in Houston but moved to Oklahoma when he was one year old.  He became a teacher and accepted a job as a high school orchestra teacher (through connections since there’s not many openings for that).  Well, his parents moved back to Houston since his younger brother’s here for medical school, which helped him meet BASIC.  He decided to move here as well since his family was here and he had experienced this community.  The only drawback was leaving where he grew up as well as his nice job.  He is currently an elementary school music teacher (he prefers his old job, that’s what he really likes).

We ate quickly and paid because they had to get to the Toyota Center to watch the game.  My fortune cookie said: “Your winsome smile will be your sure protection.”  It better be.  I waited in the restaurant’s oustide-but-covered/walled room (chairs were stacked up).  When my parents picked me up, I let Tiffany know I was safe.  I came home, read the comics, then tried to figure out next Wednesday’s schedule.

Saturday, March 15, 2008.  This is the first of two Saturdays I have to work (half day).  It wasn’t too bad (no evaluations, surprisingly).  I parked at the golf course and Rick picked me up (so that I wouldn’t have to pay the $10 parking garage fee).  He’s doing this Saturday and next Saturday to make up for missing days to attend Dr. Barber’s bachelor party/wedding.  I’m a big help because usually Saturdays are done by only one therapist (COTA or OTR) and the OT tech Tiffani.  This way, I write half of the stack and he writes the other half of progress notes.  He was going to drop me off at my car, but by the afternoon due to the tourists and visitors of the area, there was a traffic cement barricade to the road so he dropped me off (he had to meet his family) at the intersection and I walked to the car (earlier we had joked that if he wasn’t finished and I was, I could leave earlier but I couldn’t since he drove me but techincally I could walk but that would take forever).  Good sunny exercise. 

After work, I gave the FBCC girls’ a call.  No one answered.  I was really frustrated because FBCC Career Group went to Project C.U.R.E. this morning.  In the evite I said I couldn’t make it but that I would be available for lunch.  Then, maybe they don’t read the evite replies, I emailed the girls a few days before, specifically saying that if they were eating afterwards to give me a call.  And I call them after work.  I began to feel very left out and that they don’t really want me there, which makes me not want to be there (let’s just say that my inclinations for FBCC isn’t exactly positive so this just adds fuel to the fire).  Janet Poon finally called me back and let me know that in fact Hector was having a BBQ at his place.

I was passing by and decided to pay Henry a visit.  Rick had bought me a breakfast taco but I didn’t feel so good stomach-wise in the morning so I kept it in the fridge.  Turned out to be helpful because I ate that plus a sandwich from Henry (he just bought some turkey sandwich meat) for lunch.  He is always so…bluntly..unapologetic.  He said that he didn’t have extra food for me, but then he said that I could eat the sandwich.  I swear, I don’t know how I had initially been able to look pass his “meanness”.  But Henry’s Henry, as Elliot and David and Kuan can tell you.  He had to go to his parents’ afterwards, so I left when he did.

I arrived as the couple who lives in Pearland left.  There was a LOT of food at the BBQ (as there always is at a BBQ).  One of Hector’s coworkers (now I forgot his name) struck up a conversation with me.  I wasn’t particularly interested but as always I gave him my attention and talked with him (I guess with me, one, including me, cannot tell if I am genuinely interested or not - I speak the same way, and just because I can’t think of anything to say doesn’t mean I don’t want to speak with you).  We talked about jobs, school, El Paso, etc.  Hector grilled beef, chicken, and sausages (he uses really yummy homemade sauces).  Daniel Shen baked some goat cheese with peach, I think.  Charlene said it wasn’t too bad, but Howard Chiu’s reaction is a classic.  Yeah, I’d prefer to not eat the two ingredients together (and was never much of a goat cheese fan, like Jamie).  I left when Jason Chow and his entire van (they had carpooled this morning from FBCC) left.

I called Christina Tam to see if she knew about it, but she couldn’t make it.  I offered to bring her food, which she was very appreciative about (Hector encouraged us to take some food home).  I perused her apartment space (as I always like to do :) hehe), then watched Birth starring Nicole Kidman.  I chose that movie because she had seen all the other movies (although she wouldn’t mind watching them again) and this movie her parents bought simply because it was on sale and had Nicole Kidman, an actress they had actually heard about (funny Chinese parents).  Christina also had a whole new large set of Prismacolor colored pencils!  How in the world?  She said some street artist just gave it to her…?  Anyway, Birth is quite…slow…and disturbing in the sense that it’s a grown women having sexual/sensual encounters with an elementary-school-age boy.  Anne Heche is in it (it took me awhile to figure out where I had seen her: “Men in Trees”).  It was really slow and we had fast forwarded some parts, so I don’t know if we missed anything, we were going to quit, but I just had to know the ending–we could’ve just zipped through to the ending.  Ah well.

Afterwards she really wanted to show me the video game Kingdom Hearts (I had not realized just how much of a nerd she is).  I was never much into video games, but it was sort of fun and interesting with the conversational bubbles asking with multiple choice questions (i.e. Are you scared of growing old?).  My eye-hand coordination is to the pits, haha.  Well, it DID take me awhile to learn to type, but when I finally did, I type pretty well.  Then I went to Lost Creek to walk with Daniel, Hector, and Charlene.  Christina lent me her younger brother’s swimming trunks, tennis shoes, and black Kempner T-shirt (BEAWARE with “Do not doubt that a small group of committed individuals can change the world.  Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has” Margaret Mead and “Be the change you want to see in the world” Mahatma Gandhi).  She was even going to lent me her ankle splint (I keep forgetting she can’t really participate in any of this kind of exercise, thus she didn’t join us).  I got home (empty) and heated up some dinner then watched random TV (The Newlyweds and The Bachelor: Special Edition).  For an hour and a half I tried to vent and feel sorry for myself but instead Vickie basically said the same thing as the Tshirt, to be the change I want to see in FBCC.  She sure wasn’t buying my pity.  She told me about going to the rodeo this year with Jessica, Robert Chang, etc.

Sunday, March 16, 2008.  I joined them for lunch (wow, big group!).  There was Eveline and Michael Ng, James, Linton, Phoebe, Hannah, Jacky, Jonathan, and Vickie.  I waved hello to John Hsieh and Bo, who were sitting on the opposite end of the restaurant near the window.  Vickie and I also said hello to…Tedman!  He’s working for…Jennifer Yu!  Just kidding, for HP.  He says he doesn’t really keep in touch with EPIC people except maybe Josh Winata.  Vickie wanted to exercise so turned out everyone went to Willow Park except Eveline and Michael.  Alan Bennett and Tiffany Lin showed up, but Wilson texted saying that the rest of them wouldn’t be there until later.  Alan left, and Tiffany said goodbye to Phoebe (since they were both Grace Tow’s bridesmaids).  We played ultimate football LOL.  I didn’t want to get hurt again but I did end up playing (4:4) and good thing there were no potholes because I couldn’t face the wrath of my parents again about my stupid ankle.  James made the decision to buy a football.

When it was time to leave, Jonathan wanted to wait to see his cousin Andrew.  He called, and Andrew told Jonathan that he was actually working this Sunday so he wasn’t able to make it.  I stayed behind and saw Tiffany again (she had gone back to finish up her paper/assignment).  Wilson, Jesslyn, James Hsia, Leon Chen, Nathan Kim, Eric, Gabriel (Henry’s Brazilian friend), and Timmy Yip all showed up.  I hate his cut shorts.  I don’t think they flatter him at all.

Saturday, Feburary 16, 2008.  In the morning from 10 to 11:30 I did something but I forgot.  I tried to be productive by uploading pictures and comics, neatening up my room, and showering.  After picking up the Lins, we met Vickie at House of Bowls at 5:30 p.m.  She just wanted a discussion with her close girl friends without the guys for once.  I enjoyed it because it’s not often to hang out as a group of females nowadays.  Then, the guys started showing up.  Linton came, then David Kalloor, who brought his STIM friend Leslie.  They didn’t go to the same locale (she went to the Philippines), but they did the training together, as did Andrew Eng (he went to China) that year.  Much later Brad Eng and Denise (who apparently are dating right now) came by as well.  Hannah is the first to give me her Bible verse memory scrapbook page from my birthday!  I was so excited so when I came home I read it.  Along with it and a homemade card (talk about awesome), she gave me Diary of a Wimpy Kid: A Novel in Cartoons by Jeff Kinney.  I read the whole thing in one sitting.  It’s an easy read, but I found it so dejecting.  It’s a story about an immature boy who thinks he’s all that but in reality doesn’t take responsibility for any of his actions.  I guess the essence reflects the human condition.

Gladys Aylward in what is thought to be her only photograph
Courtesy of Moody Bible Institute

Inch came later all dressed up.  Apparently yesterday he and Sarah Kim had spent literally the ENTIRE day (since 5:30 a.m.) together because they drove to Austin to attend Eunice’s wedding.  It was an enjoyable day.  Unfortunately, the last fifteen minutes of their drive back wasn’t too hot.  I told him about Friday.  Jeff asked why I wasn’t playing (my ankle).  Anyway, tonight Harvest Community Church has an evening service and he was going to attend and thus he just wanted to drop by and enjoy the weather.  It really was splendid.  Andrew Eng arrived late and he came over to say hi.  He said he wasn’t playing because this is supposed to be a ministry so he’s letting the other people play first.  Inch commented on how Andrew’s shirt wasn’t as tight as he thought it would be (it’s a medium apparently).  We made other random comments, such as James Hsia climbing to retrieve the frisbee that ended up on the awning over the windows of the school.  I saw Kelvin so I went over to return the wrap that he lent me for my ankle.  Nathan Wang joined in later.

Tiffany Lin is amazing.  She struck up a conversation with me.  She asked me where I was working, and she said that actually she thinks that’s where she thinks she’s going to go for her psychiatric rotation (near April).  She expressed her disappointment in the working world and in herself when it came to God.  She said right before she started she had gone on a mission trip where she incorporated her medical skills and at the same time was able to ascertain the patient’s spiritual well-being as well.  However, now she’s so busy and on-the-go that she finds that she doesn’t have the time to do that, and isn’t even sure if it’s appropriate.  She reminded me of myself, when I went to Mexico with Nathan Kim, Lois Lim, Melvin Feng (”!esta bien!”), and Jane Park the week right before I moved to El Paso.  I didn’t even go home–my parents picked me up from Laredo and then we drove up to the Mountain Time Zone.  I was so hyped, and I really did feel like I was still in Mexico.  *Psi*  I find it also interesting that she asked if I found a church community.  It was like she got the core of my current issues.  How did she know?  I explained to her that the past year I had actually attended as many FBCC, WHCC, and HCC events I was invited to.  Somehow FBCC doesn’t plan as many or something, but the group I’ve ended up feeling the closest to has been HCC due to their weekly sports outings. 

I also asked Jesslyn to walk with me (I had anticipated Lindi was going to come so I could return her jacket, or Teresa Chii since she’s leaving Houston).  At the end she asked me if I was interested in missions.  I found that interesting; was she thinking about it?  She said somewhat, like either supporting here in the United States or teaching overseas or something of that nature.  I said that I hadn’t seriously thought of it, but I was always enamored of it even before I believed in God.  I told her how just this past Friday I had heard the descendent of James Hudson Taylor speak, and how I grew up being awed not only by him but by George Mueller, Gladys Aylward, Elisabeth Elliot….

I left early to join Phoebe, Hannah, Vickie, and Linton.  He decided to cook dinner for us since his sister was away and Vickie was in town and he usually eats with the Lins.  Vickie and he went to buy groceries, then the girls did work while he cooked.  He made lamb with two different sauces (ketchup with hoison sauce, and one with oyster sauce), baby bok choy (slightly over-cooked), sauteed onions, corn, and baked boned salmon.  Rebekah came home later.  Vickie initiated a conversation about flirting for attention from guys (doing good for the other versus leading the other on), emotional attachment (is okay), codependency (if the other’s wellbeing is wholly dependent on another), and other similar topics. 

A weekend of many thoughts….here’s a list of books about missionaries:  http://servinghimathome.blogspot.com/2005/12/missionary-stories-to-inspire-children.html

Super Bowl Sunday was quite an eventful day, both personally and in national sports.  As usual I went to play flag football and/or ultimate frisbee (although this time in Pearland because Rice has been kicking us off their fields and Kelvin’s having a party at his place afterwards).  Not many people showed up, so we all played football.  Unbeknownst to me, someone had already left due to an injury or accident.  Even if I know, however, I’m sure I would’ve stayed to play, whch I did.  David Zhao ended up doing something to his foot, and his head?  So we dealt with that and then started playing again.  Very soon after, I ended up stepping on Kelvin’s foot, falling to the ground, and hearing a crunch coming from my right ankle.  My first thought:  Great, my parents are going to be upset.  I didn’t think, Oh no, my first day of work is tomorrow.  I knew that, but I knew I would simply deal with it.  No, my first thought was of my parents because I knew I wouldn’t hear the end of it from my parents:  I would feel super lousy as soon as I got home and as long as my ankle wasn’t walkable.

Katie drove me to her brother Kelvin’s house (which I didn’t plan to attend since I didn’t bring any food) so my foot would hopefully get over itself (but I was too shy to ask for ice, which was my big mistake).  Nathan Kim, Chris Sun, and I worked on a couple of puzzles that he had on the end table.  They ate, and we watched the game on the projected television.  Leon wrote down estimates of the final score on a dry-erase board.  Haha, he gave me this ridiculous 3-30 or something like that, with the underdogs winning.  Actually, I wanted the Patriots to win to have a perfect 19-0 because they worked so hard to achieve their 18-0 streak, but I had a feeling the Giants would win since usually I only end up watching those sorts of games (and watch those sorts of sports movies).  I mean, the underdogs have the advantage that whatever happens, happens–you’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain.  The pressure is really on the Patriots, because they’re almost expected to win, and if they lose, it’s heartwrenching.  Of course, I really have no idea what’s at stake here.

Anyway, I was right:  both my parents had a fit.  “Why didn’t you ice it?” Sorry. “Why didn’t you drive home soon after?” I was blacking out and I just wanted to make sure I was okay. ”Why didn’t you ask someone to drive you home?” Because no one lives near me and I don’t want to take anyone away from the game. ”Why did you not go to church instead?” As if that’s news to you. ”Why did you play football?” Because no one was playing frisbee and I had driven and got lost and finally arrived after an hour. ”Why?” “Why?” ”Why?” Yes, I know I’m worthless.  Now can we get on with the show?

I have a better feel now of how it is to have AVH (audiory and visual hallucinations).  You just want them to shut up, your thinking starts getting illogical because you just can’t think straight, so you obey, hoping they will disappear.  And then you reap the usually negative consequences of your actions.  This sprained ankle is the bleh, but what makes it five times worse is how my parents are arguing, among themselves and then me feeling accused.  I know this is extreme, but I feel like I’m a kid hearing my parents go through divorce or something and think it’s all my fault.

[edit]  I felt so messed up that I vented to whoever inquired about my ankle, which included Tiffany Lin.  She was so sweet to call me after work on Monday to check up on me.  Interesting that everyone has a different timeline for putting on a cold pack and a hot pack.  My parents took me to see a physical therapist friend from the church.  We were still icing it when she looked at it a second time the next day.  She said that we should discontinue it, especially right before seeing her since now she has no idea how it was during the day since it’s numb now from the cold pack.  Also interesting is how different people wrap.  Dan Tung had told me to start wrapping from the foot and then up the leg.  This PT says I should anchor on the leg and then work down to the foot.

I went walking three times around the neighborhood with my Dad today, LOL.  The weather was even better than yesterday when the ten of us (Robert Hwang, Alan Bennett, John Hsieh, Nathan and his church “kids” Eric and Trey, Jen?, Andrew Eng, Jesslyn then Lindi) played ultimate frisbee at entrance 1 of Rice (we went to House of Bowls to eat -and jam- afterwards; some more BASIC people came as well).  During the second time, when my mom came along, Clayon’s parents stopped my mom at the Country Club/Chesterfield intersection to ask how “the little old lady” who used to knock on their door was faring.  Ama (my Dad’s mom) used to stay a semester at a time here when she was younger.  She hated it here in the suburbs; she felt stuck; in Taiwan she could just walk down a strip and all the hustle and bustle was at her fingertips:  food, shopping, etc.  Also, she has major hearing problems since she was a child, so she can’t speak that well anyway, especially English or Spanish.  She knows Japanese, Mandarin, Chinese sign language, and Taiwanese?  However, she is quite a character, and somehow she stole the heart of our entire neighborhood.  She knew the neighbor to our right (when facing our house) and his three children before any of us.  Wow, I thought, we need to be that bold, for His sake.  “Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold” (2 Corinthians 3: 12).