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Last night, to follow up from the Astros Run, I went to Borders to meet up with Christina Tam, who drove me to Khon-Whey’s apartment, where Ted was waiting.  Actually, since we were a bit early, she wanted to stop by Walgreens to buy some food (Gatorade, Starbucks, and Airheads), so with her suggestion I also got a big bottle of Gatorade.  JT and Heidi arrived, so Khon-Whey drove them and his fiancee in one car, while Ted drove the two of us in another car, following his white car.  As we headed closer to Minute Maid Park, the parking went up to $20.  We headed backwards and saw Jacky walking, LOL.  We ended up parking in the lot for $5 (part of Ernst and Young?) where Hannah took us that time when we checked out Discovery Green for the first time.  We waited as Ted went to pick up his ticket (originally Denver and Sandra were going to drive us from Chili’s off of Buffalo Speedway, but then they weren’t going to go, so Jacky asked Ted to drive us, so Ted didn’t go home and just picked up Denver’s ticket). 

We were a bit late (7:05 game), and apparently the Texas Rangers had already scored on us Houston Astros in the first inning!  As we were quickly walking, we bumped into Jacky LOL!  We found our seats, and after another inning they all went to get food (I just went to use the restroom from all that Gatorade).  Christina “snuck” her food in (the guy who checked her bag let her go since she was like, “So what am I supposed to do?”).  Jacky stayed to watch all our belongings.  It was a pretty relaxing game since we were always ahead.  Ted had to leave early, then the couples left around the seventh inning.  Jacky suggested we go to the bottom to watch the remainder of the game, and then we hear a large commotion.  We watch the television screen and apparently the Rangers had scored two more on us!  Oh no!  Or as Christina said, “Me and my big mouth.”  We were antsy and sat at the very bottom.  Good thing they didn’t score any more on us.  So we finished 4-3 (without playing the bottom of the ninth inning).

During an hour-plus of the time, Jacky asked me borrow my phone in order to call T-Mobile since he figured out that his SIM card didn’t work.  Jacky took Christina and me back to her car, parked in Khon-Whey’s apartment complex.  Jacky also handed me a Yellow Magazine (I didn’t even know this existed), which featured a picture of us from the dragon boat racing, and two more Astros tickets.  He said he originally was going to go with a friend, but that he and his friend couldn’t make it.  He said I’d have company:  Jonathan and Perry.  Little did I know that by the time of the game tonight, I’d feel like I was set up on a date!  I found it hilarious and amusing because it sure wasn’t on purpose for either of us:

I called Diana since she had expressed interest before (”If you can’t find anyone to go with you, I’d love to go”).  She said she’d call me back.  Eventually I called her again because if she wasn’t going to go I sure needed time to find another.  She confirmed my suspicions, that she wasn’t going to go.  I asked the girls at FBCC, and a few other females.  My dad said he liked watching baseball since it was slow.  I wasn’t sure how to respond, because I don’t really care to watch another game, but I did tell him that he would be sitting next to Jonathan and Perry.  My dad is funny; he said it wouldn’t be awkward since it’s not like he knows them.  True, but with him sitting next to the guys, the guys will definitely go and find out who this married couple is!  And I guess I would feel awkward.  I admit I didn’t try too hard to find somebody to go to the game since last time I did I felt I gave a lot more trouble to myself than needed.  This time I figured, if no one comes with me, that’s okay. 

I went to get some errands done, such as dropping off Food Bank food for a relative (seriously, that house is jacked up).  The husband was sleeping with the television on, so he didn’t hear us knock.  Also, there was a watermelon in the jungle of a backyard.  We stopped by an “optical” but it is closed on Wednesdays, go figure.  Then I dropped off some articles of clothing to mend (exactly $20).  Finally, we headed into Foodarama to buy two dozen eggs for $2 after $10 purchase, so we bought some Cascade dishwashing powder, glazed walnuts and almonds, etc. (not Pearl soymilk because the price went from $0.50 to $1.99).

Jonathan calls and informs me that Perry had called him to cancel.  Jonathan asks me to call James, who tells me to call Chris.  James said he has dinner with someone and then is accompanying Michael to Fry’s, while Chris says he’s tired.  Since Jonathan works less than ten minutes from where I live, he picked me up to go to the game.  HAHA, can you imagine if I had invited my mom and dad?  Date with Jonathan, and meet the parents, too!  No taking it slow for me, LOL!  Anyway, this time we were on time, so we got the free fan item (but it was simply a piece of cardstock with info about the Hall of Fame) and were able to participate in the national anthem and some preliminary family fun.  We watched the first pitch, and just like last night, the Rangers got a run in the first inning, and we got two in the second. 

Jonathan was really nice and stayed with me to watch the beginning (since I missed it yesterday) before we headed off to get food (I had already eaten dinner at home).  He offered to buy me some food, but I declined.  Still, he bought me $4 Dasani water, which was much appreciated (thirsty thirsty!).  He ordered a foot-long hot dog and also got himself some water.  This game was more nerve-wracking because the Rangers got two more runs later on.  Jonathan, as always, has endless facts up his sleeve and informed me of different details while the game played out.  One time three Rangers tried to catch a foul ball that an Astros batter hit, but like in volleyball no one called it and it fell to the ground.  They learned from their mistake, and the Astros took that cue and made sure they called their future balls.  I forgot what it’s called when there’s 3 balls and 2 strikes, meaning that something is going to happen next, either with the batter walking to first base or off the field.  There were many double plays, but there was also a double out by tagging on both sides near the end.  Unfortunately, there were many times when we were close, especially when Ty Wigginton made a double in the ninth inning, but we couldn’t get that last run to tie the game.  Baseball is definitely a team sport.

After two hours, James called and said he’d like to come.  I think there was miscommunication because he sounded pretty hazzled or anxious or something.  Somehow, I felt guilty (I’m beginning to realize that many times after interacting with him I come away feeling I did something wrong, but I don’t know what) and I wanted to tell him to calm down.  But I simply handed the phone back to Jonathan (I missed his call on mine, oops).  Eventually, James joined us.  I have to say, if I felt like I was on a date before, now I felt like I was on some sort of “crash the date” deal with James on my left and Jonathan on my right.  After the third hour (Jonathan says this game was faster than last night’s, since Jacky had called him around 10:30 last night), we left.  James said he had already eaten and was quite tired, so Jonathan took me home.  As he was about to round the U-turn after exiting Southwest Freeway/US-59, Jonathan’s phone rang.  Again.  “I bet you $5 that’s James.”  Ha.  Anyway, by the time he drove up the driveway and dropped me off, coincidentally my parents had just arrived home as well, with the garage door going down.

So I’ve had my non-date with James and my pseudo-date (as Phoebe calls it) with Jonathan. 

Good night.

I’ve been trying to incorporate more exercise into my daily routine in order to better focus on studying (and combat depression and be healthier overall).  I asked Lisa Leu (she lives about five minutes away) to run with me at the Dulles track (so as to prevent knee erosion) and today was our first time.  We met at Mamie George Branch Library so I could show her where to go.  When we arrived, there were a lot of African-American people (and some other ethnicities).  It appeared they were there for a race.  I wanted to turn back (can I blame social phobia?), but Lisa asked one of the men if we could use the track.  He was a jokester and teased us saying we could run many kilmeters.  Apparently they had just finished a race.  We walk a lap to warm up (and wait until everyone left) before stretching and starting our first lap jogging.  Nearing the end, Lisa asked to stop, but I said we could at least finish one lap.  Then we started walking.  And talking.  She is on HCC BASIC’s steering committee this year (along with Andrew, James, Jesslyn, and Robert).  A large part of our conversation turned to community and inclusivity.  I ask her about her past (she left Taiwan at the age of 12 to Virginia, then California, then Dallas, then Houston).  I ask her her testimony (she’s one of those “always believed” kind of gals), and she asked me mine.  She offered to pray for me regarding studying, taking, and passing my NBCOT exam.  

Oh yeah, and she’s also one of those gals who tend to be very..”girly” she describes herself, and…hopeful, trusting, steadfast in her faith.  In other words, very different from someone like me who more readily identifies with “Doubting” Thomas.  Not that it’s a bad thing of any of us, as long as by the end we all proclaim, “My Lord and my God!” (John 20:28).  She basically attributes anything to God, and after a few “explanations” to her I found myself saying “It was all God’s doing” and related statements.  I felt kind of funny about it because I’m not used to that (and was I also trying to “keep up” with her?), but also I think because a part of me really likes to suck the awe out of many phenomena.  Positively, to point out all the facts and then view it with a better understanding, for me it’s even more amazing on God’s part!

One of the things we talked about last last week was our experience(s) in dating.  Amidst the discussion, I was asked why I’ve only had one romantic relationship though I reported feeling comfortable around guys.  Up until maybe a few months ago, I’ve only been asked by guys who don’t believe in God (yes, my options are becoming better, just need to hold out a little longer, eh? lol).  Nonetheless, I think perhaps that is due to me being around hanging out with so many guys.  And deeper still, I’ve come to realize that I may be pretty closed off, not to guys (because I love guys) but to feelings in general:

friend:  i like the romanticism
me:  i’m turning around to it
friend:  you dont like it?
me: kinda cynical, i guess?
  or
  the other night we had dinner
  and i think “feelings” are very foreign to me
friend:  hm why do you think
  or… i mean, well youve dated before
  did you not have feelings then?
me: but then, i was all depressed
  so when ___ came along, i basically decided to throw myself into it
  regardless of the consequences
friend:  so whys it so foreign to think that you could feel the same way for another person
  you would rather not try at all than to try and risk getting heartbroken?
me: well, i wasn’t conciously doing it back then
  like, “amy, build wall so i won’t get heartbroken”
  but right now, i realize i really didn’t give “feelings” a fair chance in anything
friend:  lol
  well…feelings are fleeting
me: probably a big part of how i ended up becoming depressed
  yes, they are, but they have their rightful place
  and i wasn’t giving them the credit due them

This not only includes limerance but also anger, anxiety, sadness, disappointment, even happiness, amusement, you name it!  So much so that I don’t know how to handle them at all; I deny that I feel them.  Only recently have I accepted the challenge to process and put them into words.  You know how it is with the immigrant Asian parents (most of them that I know).  You try to ask them about their past, or how they’re feeling, and it’s like I’m talking alien.  So having copied that, and adding a good dose of my own tendencies, I’ve gone too far on the end of the spectrum.  Counseling was fail, so I took things into my own hands and am slowly figuring things out:  “As stress increases, ‘learned behavior’ tends to give way to the natural style, so the ISTP will behave more according to type when under greater stress, such as withdrawing from people, sorting out detailed points that could perhaps wait, and ignoring their feelings.  Under extreme stress, the ISTP’s shadow may appear, a negative form of ENFJ.  Example characteristics include displaying intense feelings towards others, insisting on things being done without any logical basis, being very sensitive to criticism, having a gloomy view of the future, and attributing unrealistic negative meaning to others’ actions or statements.” 

When I flew to New Jersey without telling anybody to see my first..boyfriend (haha, what a weird label), I was at one of my lowest points in my life.  After I confessed to my parents and friends, I still felt “not right.”  The entire time I tried to convince myself out of doing it, even with my fellow spiritual brothers and sisters’ help, but the truth that it didn’t work is because part of me would do it all over again, and that scares me.  Being so vulnerable at the time (and foolish, headstrong, and impulsive), let’s just say that if he wanted to have sex, he would’ve gotten in.  And oh my, the shame I would have to deal with!  I thank God every day that He didn’t let me put myself in the hands of someone who didn’t care about me, someone who could’ve taken full advantage of me.  I was pretty reckless, so I knew I’d be caught eventually, even though I think I felt bad for being caught (reputation?) and not for doing what I did (grieving God, my family, and my friends). 

I brought up my concern with my brother, who said, out of experience, that the remorse will come in due time.  I’m not sure what I was looking for, but I sure don’t look forward to that time, because who wants to feel guilty?  Even if it is godly (2 Corinthians 7:8-10), not many people I know wants to go through the fire to the purified part (Malachi 3:2-3).  But the part that wants to do it all over again is getting smaller and smaller.  And yes, my knowledge that I will reap the consequences of those actions in my marriage is growing because I did indeed “arouse or awaken love [before] it so desires” (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4).  Right now, I’m so glad that the way God let me fall forced me to be open with my close family and friends (interesting that some who are depressed only tell their families, and others only tell their friends) so I won’t have to go through trying to tiptoe around them until I break (again).  I hope I’ve learned the lesson well this time around so that there won’t be some even more drastic fall in the future for me!

Some of the wise will stumble, so that they may be refined, purified and made spotless until the time of the end, for it will still come at the appointed time.

This evening, Chris called to play basketball at the same place.  Diana called me to carpool, so I drove over to pick up Elliot and told her to meet me at Borders.  During that time, I picked up a book I had requested online: Bodies and Souls.  Glee!  I drove the three of us to meet Chris and Jacky, who had already played for half an hour (yes, I was late).  We played “until someone gets hit in the face” since the sun was setting and we could barely see the ball against the dark pavilion.  My contact was irritating me (again! ugh) but the guys were pretty lenient on us girls (Elliot, Diana, and I were against Jacky and Chris).  Actually, Diana wasn’t kidding when she said she “sucked:”  she didn’t even know about double-dribbling, taking the ball back after making a basket, or getting the “secret” ball passes (well, I’m not so hot with those, either), but she did know how to use the backboard!  I’m definitely not anything near Laurie Chen, but it was eye-openning that I wasn’t as “beginner” as I thought I was.  Then we played Knockout before heading off for food. 

I’ve been thinking of mentoring lately; I’m not sure why.  I’ve never been a counselor, don’t have the desire yet to have children of my own, and definitely don’t feel “ready,” whatever that means.  I also don’t even have a mentor of my own, although a couple of older women keep, on average, annual tabs on me.  Plus, I have the worse relationship with my mother compared to that with my father and brother.  They say that as you get older, you get back to your roots more.  I think this “independence” thing that the United States has is quite alarming, and I want to get back into utilizing the advantages of my Chinese community.  I believe it’s also quite Biblical, for we are the Body of Christ.  Interdependence is the new trend.  One of the reasons I wanted to stay with FBCC (although I “go” to “all” the “churches” around town) was because so many of them had seen me grow up, physically and spiritually, and my parents are still there.  I find it incredible to see the adults teaching us, as we teach those younger than us.  Instead of starting at ground zero, we are building upon spiritual legacy….. 

Anyway, continuing, my contact actually hurt too much that I took it out and crumpled it into a receipt.  Elliot took over my car.  Our first stop was Chipotle (which was closed), so we made a stop into its neighbor Berripop.  Chris “hongkongsupastar” Huang was there talking with…forgot her name.  Diana got blueberry, and Chris got strawberry and blueberry.  The rest of us refrained from ordering (although Diana did ask for some samples for us).   Diana said she used to go there daily, and multiple times a day (e.g. three times), and each time she’d order a medium, and then get a small after that.  There’s also free wi-fi.  Daniel Yuan walked in with a bigger guy…I think his name is Jason? gosh I really am not as good with names as I thought.  Chris apparently was on an IM football team with Daniel back at UT Austin.  Elliot and I know him since we were on the same flag football Titan team with Wilson back in last last season.  It was hilarious because we looked at each other and said, “Hey” and then….”Okay, well, I’m going to get some yogurt.”  LOL, I think you just had to be there.  Later in the night (at the restaurant) Elliot said, “I’m still getting over when we just stared at each other awkwardly not saying anything.”

We went to Freebirds, but it just closed.  We finally sat down at a booth in 59 Diner.  Our waiter seemed good-natured.  We first asked for five cups of water.  Then, when it came time to order, unfortunately, only Chris and Jacky ordered.  And actually, Jacky had to change his order because what he wanted was only on Mondays I think.  He browsed and browsed, asking for suggestions (”Well, the Chicken Fried Steak is popular”), so the waiter said he’d come back.  Finally, Jacky made his decision:  Chicken Fried Chicken lol.  He also ordered Cheese Fries for the three of us to munch on (awww).  It took a while, so Jacky asked for the appetizer first, but Chris said, “As long as he doesn’t spit in my food.”  Our waiter brought out all three orders at the same time.  Man, it’s sure hard not to eat food offered right in front of you; Elliot didn’t eat, but Diana and I devoured the fries (although they said it wasn’t very good, probably been out a while, “soggy” and “sticky”).  During the night, she kept trying to ask how to say things in Mandarin Chinese (she’s Korean but tutors Chinese, isn’t that amazing?).  She said a neighboring girl looked like a man, but I didn’t think so.  Chris said that he plans to take ballroom dancing lessons in the future since Diana had said, “You’re boring” while they danced Saturday night haha. 

Afterwards, while they were paying, Diana came upon the machine where you try to pick up a stuffed animal.  She really wanted to “fobby”-looking pink “uglydoll.”  But there was a rat/fox/animal dressed in martial-art attire atop of it.  They suggested that maybe even the Batman would be easier to grab, but she pouted like she did at SSQQ.  Our waiter came up to us in amusement, and after finding out that Diana really wanted the animal, he took out two quarters from his tip pocket and handed it to her.  Elliot controlled the handles, while Jacky and Chris gave instructions.  When all three were satisfied, the claw went down and grabbed…nothing.  So we finally left (I’m pretty sure Jacky was glad about that!).  Elliot dropped Diana off at her car at Borders, then drove me back.  Then my mom drove Elliot back.

“Your friend is really bubbly.”  That’s what Elliot said at the end of the night.  No doubt about that.  Bubbly girls even females like (especially one who is so pretty, talented, God-loving, and responsible), but for me after awhile it takes its toll (i.e. my energy is sapped).  I can totally see why guys (especially quiet ones) find themselves attracted to her.  While at Berripop, Diana would swipe some from Chris to compare the flavors (since Chris said he couldn’t quite tell the difference).  She continued scooping that Chris commented, “Oh yeah, let me take another taste, I still can’t quite tell,” you know, the way he always makes wisecracks.  At the toy machine in 59 Diner, Diana was tugging Chris’s shirt (you know how he usually just wears an undershirt), begging anyone to get the stuffed animal for her.  I was thoroughly enjoying the entertainment.  If I were in Chris’s shoes, I’m sure I would have thoughts of whether this girl liked me or not!

• allegiance–the loyalty of a citizen to his or her liege, in this case, Christ.  Pledging to any other is treason.
• alter call–an evangelist preacher’s invitation at the end of the sermon, asking people to come forward to acknowledge a commitment to living an alternative culture (see culture).
• detergent church–a church whose sole purpose is to purge the skid marks sin has left on man’s soul and our society.
• follower–a believer who demonstrates support and allegiance to a person, a doctrine, a cause, with implications of a personal relationship, acquiescence and active championship.
• chicken poop for the soul–Christian clutter in our storage spaces and in our souls.
• culture–the behaviors and beliefs characteristic of a particular religion or sect often considered to be extremist or unorthodox, with members living outside of conventional society under the direction of their Leader, Jesus Christ.
• evangelist–from the Greek evangelion meaning “bringer of Good News” that there is another kingdom, another economy, another leader who is the Savior.
• faith–from the Greek pistis for “duty for fulfilling one’s trust”(Matthew 19:14, Isaiah 11:6d), loyalty.
• false profits–false prophets
• Jubilee-redistribution, release and rest, as in redistribution of wealth, a release from any bondage that holds individuals captive, and a rest and freedom from work.
• rebelution–a cross between rebellion and revolution, an uprising against social norms of apathty and indifference, a rebellion against rebellion.
• spiritual midwife–a person trained to aid another in producing something spiritually new and different with God.
• orthodoxy–belief, practice, and character conforming to the Christian faith as represented in the creeds of the early church.  Further known as orthopraxis.
• politics–from the Greek polis meaning “city, civil, citizen, civic, to be a society of people.”  This new city is the New Jerusalem.
• practicing resurrection–to follow, observe, exercise, train, perform, and pursue habitually or customarily the kingdom we are to “incarnate now,” the one that is “within us,” “among us,” and “at hand,” “on earth as it is in heaven.”
• prophetic imagination–coined by Walter Brueggemann, this refers to the faculty of imagining, or of forming mental images or concepts, of what is not actually currently present but can be consistent with reality in order to face and resolve difficulties, the opposite of which is redemptive violence (see below).  Arsenal may include the elements of laughter, surprise, and humor due to their “disarming” quality (Colossians 2:15).
• radical–from the Latin rood radix for root, the root for discovering what it means to be Christian disciples.
• redemptive violence–an unjust or unwarranted exertion of force or power, as against rights, laws, and beings.  The damage done by this intense revenge communicates that some are beyond redemption, such as with the death penalty.  Example: ”the government that had trained McVeigh to kill, killed him, to teach the rest of us that it is wrong to kill.”  Please see prophetic imagination above (”violence is for those who have lost their imagination”).
• spiritual bulimia–a habitual disturbance in consumption behavior linked to identity and image.  It is characterized by frequent episodes of grossly excessive intake of Christian industrial products followed by self-induced vomiting to avert appearing unspiritual.  Inadvertently, the consumer experiences malnourishment from never properly digesting “our daily bread.”
• spiritual leprosy–a chronic, infectious disease characterized by numbness and loss of feeling for others.
• spiritual masturbation–the stimulation or manipulation of one’s own faith in order to be emotionally charged but never give birth to anything.
• totemisim–coined by Emile Durkheim, the human tendency to form our conception of God in our own image
• vocation–from the same root as voice, a strong impulse, inclination, and calling to follow God’s service, function, and station within the Christian station of life.

I’ve been pretty ravenous about media consumption this past week.  Monday I watched The Day the Earth Stood Still (directed by Robert Wise) from Elliot.  I finished A Wrinkle in Time on Thursday (after reading a few pages to start me off the day before from waiting at Walmart while my dad switched out his bicycle).  It was my first time reading it, and it wasn’t too bad at all (my caveat was that Meg annoyed me:  “Just shut up already!” was what I was thinking haha).  Yesterday I watched His Girl Friday (suggested by/borrowed from Elliot) with Hannah.  It’s not your typical romantic comedy (1940).  Charm (Cary Grant) really does win girls over, even when we know it involves all that trickery.  But the way they showed it, of course, made it feel like harmless fun and teasing.  Sometimes you gotta watch out for those old movies.  Yesterday I also ended up typing up an inventory of my books.  A bookshelf really reveals the interests and life of another, or at least I found that it does me. 

This morning, Hannah invited me to the monthly booksale put on by the First Colony Library: $1 hardbacks and $0.50 paperbacks unless otherwise priced.  I ended up with a bunch of books in my arms, including The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron.  I’ve started it and I think I like it better than The Introvert Advantage by Marti Laney.  It’s not books that are, omg! that I would go around raving.  But, they are right for me at this point in my life.  I was pretty beat up in El Paso–what with the Mexican culture, the predominating extroverts loving bars (which I hate)–definitely feeling out of sorts.  So I guess this week I’ve just non-planningly been doing the things I enjoy: books, movies, stories, art, and spirituality.  I’ve said before that I think that I’ve never felt angry towards God (not only because I probably deny and trick myself) because I’ve never really felt close to Him (even though I’ve always known, and it’s obvious looking around, that He definitely hasn’t abandoned me but instead has continued to bless).  But I’m pretty content right now.  I really wish I could impart to you just how satisfied I feel this instance.  I’m enjoying the moment.  “So happy.”

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

Friday.  Christina Tam and I met at Borders so we could carpool to watch Slant.  Craig Wen and Brian Thao-Huane were there, too.  I skipped out on FBCC’s monthly social: Iron Chef!  The secret ingredient was mango, and I heard the results were better than expected.  Jacky called at around 9pm to ask if I could watch their belongings while they did a run the next morning.  Uh..sure….

Saturday.  Christina and I again met at Borders to carpool to Jacky’s apartment, where Ted drove us four to be at Minute Maid Park at 7am.  They prepared, clipping on their running numbers, drinking water in the small cups being passed out, and stretching amongst the air “people” that would occasionally hit us (the way the air was blown and all).  We saw a man on stilts pretend he was a super-tall person, making balloon animals.  The girl and guy bunny suits wearing Astros attire came around to take pictures with the kids and whoever else wanted.  I’ve never participated in this sort of thing, so Jacky explained how it worked.  He paid $25 to participate, but they would get two free Astros tickets with an option of choosing from four games in the future (June 10, 11, 24, and/or 25).  They give you a timer that will start as soon as you step onto their carpet they have at the starting line and would stop when you step on the carpet at the finish line.  Some runs ask you to return the trakcer/timer, but this time they said the runners/walkers could keep it.  This is Ted’s first time, and afterwards he looked pretty winded (was it his knee, since he had a brace on? didn’t ask).  Jacky ran ahead.  Denver stayed with Ted. 

Christina needed coffee, so we walked around downtown.  We saw the “oasis” in front of Christ Church Cathedral–Christina couldn’t believe such a nice place in the middle of downtown.  She said she’d still feel unsafe walking around by herself, if I wasn’t with her.  I also saw some people waiting outside the Urban League.  We finally found this free-standing building all by itself on one side of the street to be Starbucks (good thing we used the map that the city provides atop the sidewalk, thank you Houston!).  At 8am, I bought her a drink (a grande mmchip frapp for $4.50), then we rested for a few minutes (she was carrying her papers to be graded in a backpack, then she volunteered to also carry Jacky’s, Ted’s, and my belongings–heavy!).  We headed back, realizing the run had pretty much ended (that was fast).  We had to walk all the way around since the doors were locked.  When we entered, a wave of stench (sweat and gym) hit my nose (never liked that smell).  Denver saw us, and Jacky encouraged us to get some food (he had his shirt off–not that it was attractive because I barely glanced, but that always makes me feel uncomfortable for some reason).  I stood in line for some lettuce wrap with meat on top (reminds me of that Chinese dish).  Jacky said there were also kolaches, so I stood in line for that.  They lady said, “Ham and cheese?”  Sure.  “Two?”  Sure….  JT said hi, and I think his girlfriend is Heidi.  She looks really familiar but I don’t know why.  Khon-Whey Tay was there with his two friends (they’re a couple of..Asian Indian descent?).  I wanted some fruit and found a pear within the tubs of water/ice/water bottles.  Was it supposed to be there?  I put it back, unsure of it’s cleanliness.  Later, after seeing many runners carrying fruit,  I realized I could use the water from the bottled water to clean it, but the pear was not there anymore.  Ah well.

I was so incredibly tired, even though I didn’t even participate, but since I wanted to have a somewhat normal sleeping pattern, I was determined to stay awake and not take a nap.  Christina and I went to Lowe’s to check out movies and their times.  Nothing particularly interested both of us, so we went to Fuddruckers at 11am.  By the time we arrived at her apartment, we would’ve completely missed the beginning of the movies we were debating on (sure bad at estimating time huh?).  We watched Stardust on her computer while eating lunch (I ate the big dog with chili and cheese while got the burger/fries/shake combo).  Phoebe called to watch the new Narnia movie.  So Christina quickly reviewed through the first Narnia movie on her computer, supplementing with verbal summarizations.  Then I browsed her books (she’s an English teacher at Kempner).  I asked about Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf.  She has no idea why the play references that; she was famous in the literary world and the title is a play on “who’s afraid of the big bad wolf?”  She took a nap while I looked Woolf up: “Dreadnought Hoax was a practical joke pulled in 1910 by Horace de Vere Cole and five friends, including Virginia Stephen (later Virginia Woolf)…Modern diagnostic techniques have led to a posthumous diagnosis of bipolar disorder…The ethos of Bloomsbury discouraged sexual exclusivity, and in 1922, Woolf met Vita Sackville-West.”  She committed suicide.

Christina suddenly got up and realized that it was time to go.  Good going, Christina.  She, Phoebe, Linton, Hannah, Tina, James, Jonathan, and I watched Prince Caspian at 4:30pm at Lowe’s (barely missed the matinee price for movies before 4pm on Saturdays).  Christina left because she was pretty wiped out.  Chris was at work.  I joined them (and Ariel came, too) at Avalon Diner for dinner at 9pm.  I got the turkey/avocado omelette for $10.  They ran out of the recommended-by-the-waitress dish of steak and eggs.  Hannah’s order was right, but James and Jonathan’s dishes were a bit mismatched–Jonathan wasn’t bothered much, just got the pork version.  The main question discussed for the evening was, “If you didn’t believe in Jesus, what religious would you follow?”  Here’s the breakdown: Phoebe said Unitarian Universalism (or Ba’hai or whichever incorporates getting along with all religions, obviously none of us know much), Linton said Mormonism (he arrived back today from Utah for business), and I think the rest of them said atheism (or James said burning incense to ancestors).  I said atheism/agnosticism.

We walked to Borders and sat for a bit (Hannah checked to see if there were any sales).  Then Tina jumped on another’s suggestion to walk to the water, “Yes, Tina needs to walk.”  The girls chatted about clothing (I think Ariel’s going to a wedding), then Tina suggested we get ice cream since Hannah regretted not ordering a shake.  Cold Stone Creamery was near Lowe’s, so we spanned the entire complex I guess.  James is always asking if something is junk food or not, or making explanations that it isn’t junk food.  Yeah….  “Not today” says Jonathan, since he got some.  Hannah got coffee with heath (yum).  Hannah mentioned a quarterlife crisis, which James somewhat related.  Linton says he hasn’t reached there yet, that he is still on the way up/forward to something.  LOL, it was funny how James said that he loved it when he resigned.  I got home at midnight and crashed.

Sunday.  Charles and I drove to Elliot’s house, where the three of us met up to carpool.  (Elliot couldn’t convince Ed to come, and so Pepsi didn’t come either.)  Charles drove us to pick up Henry from his apartment then headed to Jack In the Box at 1212 for lunch.  I ordered four grilled chicken strips for $4.64 (felt like a ripoff).  Then we got to MFAH at 1pm.  We browsed around until 1:30, when they started seating us to watch Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind.  The guys talked about having dirt on each other (and Ed Ly) and using it against each other, revealing it, etc.  We looked at the pamphlet they gave out for this Target Free Sunday (comparing the pictures of plants to their names).  Christina suddenly appeared and sat to my right right when the lights dimmed at 2pm.  I liked the movie because she was really going for understanding.  And she was amazing in all her abilities, as Lord Yupa already professed at the beginning of the movie.  Indeed, “What are you so afraid of?”  A lot of violence is borne out of fear of “the other.”  Henry says she should’ve died (there were Christian undertones), but Elliot said, “No, she has to live, so I can marry her” LOL!  Hey, she’s like Rocky and Gandhi put together, as Dave would say it, haha!  Who wouldn’t find her attractive?

Afterwards we went around to the exhibits (Pompeii wasn’t free).  Elliot teased Henry when he tried to explain one of the drawings on the wall, that the explanation didn’t exactly match what was written on the author plaque.  One artist painted Egypt abstractly (I don’t ever get it, so they make me annoyed).  We spent quite some time in the Korean exhibits.  Henry said he really liked the small wall-mounted plaque statue of the elephant in the other Asian exhibit.  Lastly, we observed the poles that important people carry/use.  Each had something on the top, so there were explanations.  Elliot really liked the one that went like, “Holding a kingdom is like holding an egg; hold it too hard and it’s crushed, hold it too loose and it will fall and break.”  Henry said he liked the quote that went something like, “A crab doesn’t give birth to a bird.”  The one that got me thinking was, “The hen knows it is dawn but lets the rooster crow.”  Christina found it to be anti-feminist.  Jacky called, so I called Wilson about football.  We sat around discussing the next step (board game?  buy Ziggity?  eat?).  Christina suggested we eat, Elliot of course suggested Fuddruckers (to which Christina got all excited about), Henry suggested Niko-Niko’s, and Charles jumped on that and made the decisive push to leave (5:30 pm).  I got the Hercules Plate.  Then we all left for home.  Charles stayed with Elliot to help him with his Microsoft Word.  I end up napping from 7:30 until 9 pm (sigh, so much for trying to stay up until nighttime).  Lil goo-goo took the trash out and left for her workplace.  I watched Dead Like Me because it was the only thing on and then went back to bed.

Not the television series season finale tonight.  That’s just how I describe how I’ve been feeling for quite some time.  And that’s what I’ve been telling people.  Like I wrote in an email three weeks ago when asked for a prayer request:  “On a personal note, I still feel lost, but it’s not this big suffocating weight and desperation, and I don’t really think it’s a bad thing either.  Still, I think what was said at Bible study was right on target, I really don’t even know what to specify except that I really haven’t touched that Bible in forever.  I used to read it every day.  So that is a step.  But just everything is on my mind really, like counseling and church and career and stuff….”  Before, it was this feeling of desolation that would be the catalyst of a stampede of thoughts that no one cares (e.g. second-guessing my friends and family, perceiving past gatherings from under the shadow of a dark cloak).  Just as Phoebe knows her fear of the stage is irrational, I know these thoughts are irrational, but it still doesn’t much help with untangling that knot during the deer-in-headlights moment.  Depression is irrational!  Or is it?  I remember Hannah made a comment after watching Lifting the Veil, saying she somewhat believes that some who have depression are more in tune with reality than us “normal” people because we “ignore” the atrocities and stick with an “illusion” of rosiness in order to not go “crazy.”

“Keep Breathing”
by Ingrid Michaelson

The storm is coming but I don’t mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that i know is I’m breathing now.

I want to change the world…instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I’m breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that I know is I’m breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

Anyway, I guess this is as good a time as any to at least sort a smidgen in my mind/heart/spirit:

COMMUNITY
Genesis 35:11

Last Thursday I drove my parents to Austin to pay a last visit before my brother left for one week (to visit his former roommate), to give him his luggage (so he can pack), and to clean out his fridge (because he can leave food on the stove and not ever eat or clean it out).  My brother and I are very close.  We grew up with the same parents and familial history, in the same household, went to the same school for awhile, even were in the exact class and period for a class or two in high school (personal tutor, baby!).  We initially hung out with the majority of the same acquaintances (and lack thereof) and shared in the same struggles regarding church and friends and connectedness that we still discuss to this day, many times while in his room chatting up to the wee hours of the night/morn and our parents would come and say time to go to bed!  We are considerably different when you meet us, no doubt, as I am more like our mother and he is more like our father.  And in fact since high school we have led very different lives and rarely hang out or even talk with the same people, friends, or each other.  Nonetheless, during those occasional phone calls, I would say that I still feel close and  would still reveal much embarrassing/humbling/shameful things to him.

By the way, he had moved into a new apartment (from the urgings of his currently ex-girlfriend) and bought some furniture.  Where did they come from?  The famous Craigslist.  I have never been to the site, but many many people have made references to it.  From my understanding, it’s a virtual (that sometimes eventually leads to a physical) place where people can sell and exchange practically anything, from sofas and endtables to jobs, pets, and discussions.  It reminds me of Facebook and Myspace, two sites which Jennifer Garcia is part of and asked me if I was as well (I’m not, and actually most people in FBCC don’t have Facebook).  I’m not part of Craigslist, either, but is it something to BE a part of?  But those in Facebook and Myspace are still part of that network since they are still signed up in it, right?  Am I still part of Xanga if I decide I won’t write in it anymore (no activity), even if I have two blogs hosted on it?  You used to need an account to leave a comment, but now you don’t.  Do those who have never signed up part of Xanga if they leave a million comments on others’ Xanga blogs?  What does it mean to be part of a community?  What does it mean to be part of a church, and to be part of His Church?

FELLOWSHIP
Acts 2:42-47

I have been faithfully attending church services on Sundays since childhood.  But this past January, since I’ve always hated it (since middle school and El Paso, and even in Austin), I made a conscious decision to just stop going.  I made no effort to wake up earlier than usual, and even if I did, I didn’t even consider the possibility of perhaps attending.  Not until I figure out which church to attend regularly (do I want to stick with FBCC with its new chapter?), why I feel the way I do about it (is it the environment, the specific social situation?), and my reasons for going.  Three Sundays ago, I told Tiffany that though I haven’t really been communing with God lately, and though I have never ever exactly lauded FBCC, I have come to the conclusion to return to FBCC.  Now I have to dissect what that entails.

Regardless of its vagueness, it was a difficult decision.  Vickie is in San Antonio, so that’s why she says she continues to attend WHCC (her default).  However, she says that when she returns to a more permanent stay in Houston, she’ll move to Access, which is where Phoebe and Linton are fellowshiping now.  Access is starting out as a small but highly committed group.  When it grows in size, how will it look like?  Are people still going to connect?  To start off last fall, Pastor Ted asked his congregants to read The Celtic Way of Evangelism: How Christianity Can Reach the West…Again by George G. Hurton III.  In it, the key to evangelism is through understanding and living as a fellowship among the people, and in time they will open their hearts to the God who knows them.  The old Roman way was for people to believe before they can belong, while the new Celtic way is for you to belong and eventually believe.  In other words, the community and not an individual brings you to Christ.  In many ways, it’s easier to tell someone the Gospel than it is to take someone where s/he consistently experiences the Gospel.

How do we belong?  I sure feel like I belong to WHCC and HCC more than FBCC.  I know I am at fault for not terribly trying much, but even though I don’t really try, I get invited to their birthday parties, their holiday celebrations, and their event gatherings.  They even apologize profusely for forgetting to add me onto their list and making sure I am included next time.  On the flip side, I try the hardest with FBCC (but not my hardest in general) by calling and emailing them to contact me to hang out, and instead I’ve come to expect voicemail and oh yeah, this is what we’re doing right now, if you want to come.  Is it because at least one or two people keep track of me at WHCC and HCC, but no one does here at FBCC?  That could make all the difference.  Or is it that I expect more (and keep a record of wrongs?) because I have decided to be included at FBCC but I am nonchalant with whether I am invited to WHCC or HCC?  I remember back in January there was a slew of WHCC birthdays, and then in February there was a slew of FBCC birthdays.  Somehow, I ended up going to the WHCC ones but not the FBCC ones as much; I don’t remember now, but at the time was it due to scheduling conflicts or did I finally decide to attend the WHCC ones because I was more comfortable with them?  What does it mean to expect the worse but hope for the best?  How do you have high expectations but….? 

When I entered college, I checked out a handful of Christian gatherings.  I joined a small group that was part of the then-called Chinese Bible Study because it was the thing to do and everyone kept emphasizing them.  Our group fell apart,one by one, until it was just the Bible study leader, me, and this girl who was highly committed and hadn’t yet accepted Jesus.  I felt sorry, but that wasn’t going to cut it, so I left highly disappointed and joined CCC.  Later, I learned that one of the girls who wasn’t that much of a believer became good friends with Kara and eventually made an amazing transformation through His grace.  The thing is, though you can encourage group ownership, it sure can’t be forced.  Anyone knows nagging doesn’t work, although we find ourselves doing it.  Haven’t you noticed with some you just click instantly and with others you don’t?  Some people find you dull, while others find you exciting, or at least around them somehow you light up.  Even if you give all the time you can, with all the sincerity and effort, with both of you seeking, even if you lived near each other.  Reminds me of that girl from Chicago: we had an affinity towards each other so we’d decide to meet up and all, but anyone can tell from our conversations that somehow we just weren’t clicking.  Eventually we both decided without words to call it off.  She was a smart and pretty girl; I wonder where she is now after UT Austin pre-pharm classes.

Maybe we’re defining incorrectly.  Back in high school, I was elected to be the Science Club president, with a new teacher sponsor.  It bothered me that our definition of a member was someone who paid the fee.  There were those who were super dedicated, coming and helping at every single event, while others never showed up but they did pay the money.  I didn’t enjoy being president, so for me to keep everything running was as good as it was going to get, not trying to change their pre-existing system.  Magnificat has an application process but afterwards you’re in for life.  Even with years of hiatus you are always wlecome to come back and use the resources.  I met Annie Shen at an HCC gathering, and she says she hangs out with HCC, serves in her home Asian church, and then attends a more American (or African-American?) church on Sunday mornings.  Seems fragmented and yet, is that something I want to imitate?  In a way, her method demonstrates that we together are the Bride of Christ.  Vickie’s always running around hanging out with all these groups because we are all interconnected (actually, if left to my own devices, I really don’t care to make new friends). 

Indeed, it is impossible to know everyone, even within a single church building (”Abandon Committees, Skip Teams, and Embrace Communities” by George Bullard), so is there significance in “choosing” a church?  Are we to attend, serve, and gather within one?  What does the modern-day “fellowship of the believers” look like?  I think my problem would be choosing, because many times events have been booked for the same weekend.  Do I even it out?  Or instead, focus?  Still, I remember in the past when someone at FBCC needed a bone marrow transplant due to leukemia; the whole church gathered together.  We have also drawn together to fundraise for missions we support.  And the Chinese churches have gathered together for events as well (although it appears that FBCC does that less than the others).  Our mechanic, dentist, realtor, and family physician all were borne from the network of these Chinese churches.  It’s like “The New Science of Networks” by Albert-Laszlo Barabasi (who wrote it after reading “The Strength of Weak Ties“ by Mark S. Granovetter).

Still, when I went to RecWeek it was a big deal since I didn’t commit myself to InterVarsity but to CCC:EPIC (who has their own similar conference: DWC)–the IV leader went to the CCC leader to make sure they knew about me and it was okay with them!  Actually, it is the close relationships I formed in EPIC, not IV, that continue to live on.  I’ve still visited Josh, sent a card to Jonathan Le, had a few meals with prayers and talks of our spiritual struggles with Marie when she stops in town, and exchanged sparse emails with Iris.  Which reminds me: before the birth of EPIC, Alice and I were part of a CCC cell group.  The concept is that, as it grew, it would split and thus multiply.  We had to decide who we wanted to go with: Ophelia or Kristen.  I couldn’t decide at all.  Eventually, on the Jester steps, Iris poured out her heart and tears and basically begged me to be part of the one she had chosen.  I don’t remember if I had chosen one yet at this point, or if I ended up choosing the one that she asked me to be a part of, but I just remember this particular heart-wrenching moment.  I’ve never felt so loved and accepted.  And then, even leaving a comment on a random Xanga where they just started their own EPIC, I never would have imagined that eventually she would pray for my sins, and then point me (with Rudi) to spent one night of our two-week road trip at a stranger’s apartment.  Not only did this sister in Christ open her place for us and provide hospitality, she also prayed for and over us.

FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS
Luke 15:1-7

Perhaps Josh had a better glimpse of how this all operates when he wrote his journal entry on seasonal friendships.  On the snowboarding trip, not only did I reinforce previous friendships but also forged new ones.  Liz prayed for me when she didn’t even know me, only because she knew I needed the spiritual support.  Now we still exchange postcards and emails.  I haven’t spoken to Ruth since I’ve moved back from El Paso; she was a wonderful roommate.  During the student orientation at UT Austin, somehow I ended up hanging with a Hispanic girl and an African-American guy.  I remember the incident when we were eating some free food in a large banquet hall, and he said that he really stood out.  “Because we’re under the skylight?”  “No, because I’m the only black person in this room.”  It was really nice to not be alone and to share the experience with others in the same boat.  I remember her waving at me later, and he visited my dorm freshman year, but now I don’t even remember his or her names (or faces….).  When we graduated, Sapna gave me an old photograph of when the three of us (including Reena) were in second grade? and I had played this detective game with them by planting clues: ”It takes a long time to grow an old friend.”  Back in high school, Carla Ortiz gave me this:  “Thanks for being my friend & for being the caring person that you are to me.  Your the GREATEST friend.  Happy B-day to a friend that means ALOT to me.”  I remember thinking, this is so out of nowhere!  I don’t recall any conversations we’ve had in the past, and ever since I have not a clue what’s going on with her.  She says I’m such a great friend to her, but how?  I know many times I’m nice to those I really would prefer never to hang out with again, but with her it wasn’t even that….

I remember back in Austin, Timmy Chui wrote about The Atomic Tiers of Friendship haha; wonder where he got his ideas.  Phoebe and Hannah have been gone for a week in Hong Kong and will be gone for another week.  I have been contemplating our relationships since I’ve been back at my parents’ place for the time being.  Phoebe and I grew close first semester of freshman year and then agreed to an accountability relationship thereafter until I moved to El Paso.  Hannah and I gelled a connection after her 22nd birthday while exchanging deep, dark, familiar yet unsimilar, privacies.  We’ve hung out I think usually once a week together on the weekends, but of course it’s not like before.  I think other acquaintances (not “friends”) know more about them than I do at this point.  I’m not exactly pining for the days gone by but rather how to take those spontaneous moments along into the future, how to cultivate the environment for our older selves in new stages, for the sake of the gospel, for our children.

I mentioned that we should be neighbors so our kids can play together.  Linton said, “But you don’t even have a boyfriend!.”  Indeed, I’m not even close to marrying, let alone having children.  I never really got to know my neighbors, but it turns out that I know a little more (thanks to my dad) than Phoebe and Hannah do about theirs (they say they’re new).  Linton has to feed their dog Missy, but it seems that in the past (or at least in media), the neighbor usually handles that role.  As I drive towards Dulles Avenue, I always pass a driveway packed with boys who have grown tall and lanky!  I don’t know who lives there, but I’ve seen African-American guys, Asian-American guys, and white guys all playing basketball together.  When Gilmore Girls first came out, what drew me was not only the intelligent banter but the concept that they lived in a (too) close-knit town.  Everyone would eat at the local Luke’s Diner, and then people could hang out on their front porches and say hello to those walking by.  But they sure had a lot of gossip.  (And, as Phoebe said, when Dean made love to Rory, we were shocked.  So much for a clean series.)  I absolutely adored the neighborhood playground my brother and I frequented as children.  Okay, so maybe this concept is now dangerous in this day and age.  Then you can have those “gated communities” that Jessica/Robert/Rosemery (and my brother) are in (compare with the med center condos that Alison/Wilson/Cindy live in).

MARRIAGE
Ephesians 5:22-33

I always say that I feel more comfortable around guys than girls (verus for Linton he says he grew up feeling more comfortable around girls than guys).  The past few weeks I wonder how I came to that conclusion, both mentally and subconsciously in how I act.  I mean, I hung out with both while in school (and senior year it was a table of all females during lunch, man I miss Arlene and oh, her birthday was this past Sunday), and at church it wasn’t like the guys in my class treated me better than the girls.  I would also say that I have more guy friends than girl friends, yet if I lost my guy friends I would be sad but not as devastated as if I were to lose a friendship with a girl. 

Chris Sun is a prime example.  In fact, I’m almost hesitant to call him a friend.  Is he more of a…frequent acquaintance?  Seriously, the only reason we hang out is through Linton (and satellite friends).  I have a [funny] birthday card that he gave me freshman year.  Little did I know then how rare that is.  Yet he’s probably going to be one of Linton’s groomsman, and I did invite him to my birthday dinner, I guess to even it out.  I also invited Nathan Kim, and we rarely talk.  In fact, we just see each other at football and usually don’t even exchange words.  But I know if I am in need of prayer or other help, he will respond, as he always emails back amidst his numerous activities.  And then there are Andrew, Nathan, and Inch.  Well, I haven’t been in contact with them for quite a long time now, but it’s okay.  I think I feel closer to them than the other people I’ve met from football simply because I met them through Vickie, and somehow that changed the dynamics in how I associate with them, like sending them Christmas cards.

Haha, remember when Tina Chen thought that David Kalloor and I were dating because he’d come over so often freshman year before either of us made many new friends?  It never occurred to me, and I never ever did/will have that thought concerning him.  Whereas with Siwei we, I have no idea how, hit it off right off the bat (where/when/who).  I could tell him everything that I tell my brother–that’s how close I felt with him.  But I barely met him.  At first I clung to thinking, “What does it mean to know my husband?” but like friendships, there are those you just click with and those you don’t.  So I’ve let go of that.  When I said no in Austin to a sweet guy who asked me out, he asked if it was because he didn’t believe in God.  “No, I’m just not attracted to you.”  Somehow, I didn’t feel it.  

Although, I think that has to do with our current culture.  If parents don’t approve of your choice nowadays, that’s usually overlooked instead of trying to reconcile.  In past customs (like the dowry) and in prevailing traditions (like the father “giving away” the daughter) though, it’s really a relationship between the two families, if not also between/within churches (The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony by Pamela Paul), dating with the approval of your community, who is in the place to help you weigh in the other factors of values and also keep you accountable.  That’s probably why Erwin and I are somewhat okay when thinking about arranged marriages.  I think the problem occurs when they make matches due to affluence and distinguishment, etc, as all humans end up messing up good systems.  My question to myself is, “If a guy I highly respect were to ask me but I just wasn’t feeling it, even after multiple extended rendezvous, would I accept?”  I think this is the wisdom I need to ask God about: the ability to discern whether an obstacle is the result of the need for discipline/perseverance (hurdle) or is the result of the need for a detour/fork (wall).  That’s what I’ve been trying to consider about waking up early, memorizing verses, personality in socializing, planning (using a planner works great for me, but Jennifer Lin says it doesn’t help her at all), kit with relatives, exercising, friendships as mentioned above, love languages….

PURPOSE
John 17:4

Last Wednesday, we met for FBCC Ladies’ Group.  The overall concensus was, we have no idea where we are headed and how our stories will end on earth and continue in heaven.  Many are figuring out whether to change to an entirely new area of study, or at least a new job within their current finished schooling.  The competition rises each year it seems among valedictorians/salutatorians, and I am amazed at just how ambitious and passionate they appear to be; you wonder if they will reach it, and if they will find satisfaction in reaching it.  As the dark clouds slowly dissipate, at times an epiphany or some clarity will shine through, but then it quickly disappears and I’m in a fog again, but still in a better state for seeing it.  I’m usually at peace when I think that I will be married while going about the house, how I’ve always vaguely but contentedly imagined it, helping supporting supplementing whatever he endeavors.  Despite that, Proverbs 31 had always bothered me, but even now the Proverbs 31 woman is now a celebration and challenge.  This always-wife desire and this in-the-Bible-but-doesn’t-seem-right disenchantment is finally coming together.  I guess I didn’t realize that it made me feel intimidated, incompetent, hopeless, exhausted (in my own power) like reading the goals of the graduates.  Instead, as God is making us perfect, as women He is making us her (His power with our participation), in our own unique ways. 

Of course, having “peace” doesn’t always mean I’m on the right track, but again you can’t discount it either.  I get restless when I think that I have been blessed beyond what I could’ve asked or imagined and with that comes the stewardship of making great strides for His kingdom (and thus even before believing but being raised in church, missions was always attractive to my naive eyes).  The thing is, ultimately we are to obey and glorify, NOT to change the world.  I think it is in this that I am transitioning from abstractness into something more pragmatic, as I am slowly lifted out and glean the gems that can only be understood from coming out of trip-ups, temptations, and trials.  I was all tangled up in my buzz words of community/friends/romance/vulnerability/missions/reconciliation/prayer, I’ve forgotten to “look up!”  I’ve been trying to figure out what God has given me a gift in, where God has placed my passions in, and how it could all work in this current culture, but conclusively regardless of techniques and training, the umph will be from God.  

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.  Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.  All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.  For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! (Philippians 3:7-16, Romans 11:36).

AMEN.

Non-exhaustive, in no particular order:

1. its vision is to live a community (thus the name change from Fort Bend Chinese Church to Fort Bend Community Church), in grace
2. even with its name change and acknowledgement and goal to love people of different races, it still has a specialty in reaching those who come overseas
3. it seeks to grow God-centered believers who have a heart for missions, starting from youth
4. I can learn from the persevering wisdom and godly example of the women older than me
5. the senior pastor seeks to always preach from the Word, and use humble examples from his own personal applications and life struggles
6. it is where I grew up, it is who brought me up in the Truth
7. it is where I got baptized, to whom I proclaimed and asked for accountability in continuing to follow Christ
8. it is where I have seen new attendees come into salvation and baptism in His Name, after their friends (members of the church) extended invitations
9. it is where many people of different backgrounds (e.g. colleges, ethnicities, stage in life, journey of faith) still share their lives and stories and encouragement
10. it is where my parents serve, from the lunch service to the library to the Chinese school
11. it is where I have seen others grow from toddlerhood to maturity, and found encouragement as I see them shining their faith in their generation on their college campuses
12. it is where I have clumsily served beside another, who had so much faith
13. it is where I have been deeply hurt and yet found forgiveness and seen the change of Christ manifest in those I had grown up with, seeing how they are very much their uniques selves and yet been transformed by the amazing grace of Christ

I was trying to find this but instead stumbled upon the following email from an old EPIC friend dated Sunday, May 1, 2005 9:11 PM:

Well, I took long enough getting back to you.  How are you?  I read your last email, but there was so much to take in that I wound up not responding to any of it, haha.  You had a lot of really great thoughts.  I hope all is well, and although it was many, many weeks ago, I’m glad you enjoyed your trip to Austin.  I happen to enjoy visiting old places, but it is true that I end up very nostalgic because it isn’t the same as I remember.  I can relate to the thought of seeing familiar faces yet somewhat regretting not getting to know them better.  There are people from high school who I would love to see just because we connected for a semester back in high school, but at the same time, we weren’t really close either.  I call those relationships seasonal friendships.  In fact, not too long ago, I wrote a short journal about it:

This is a letter of gratitude and fondness for my seasonal friends.  Do you know the type I’m talking about?  There are always those really cool people in your life who you may only see once or twice a year–at best.  However, when you do happen to cross paths, you connect and click with them immediately.  A big smile spreads across your face, and you run to greet them.  You pick up where you last left off, and it’s as if you’ve never been apart.  You may not be keeping track of what’s going on in each other’s lives, but when you talk, you can still relate to what they say.  These are the people that don’t immediately pop into your head when you’re thinking about your friends, people that you may not think of at all until you meet again–and that’s ok.  Because when you meet, you can talk with them about everything and anything; you laugh and share for one night…and then not talk to them again for months.  To see them again is like a holiday surprise: it only happens once a year, but just that one evening is enough to satisfy you.  They float in and out of your life, tied to you by only one fond shared memory or experience–a single, thin thread, but one that is unbreakable.  They are the people you don’t realize how much you miss until you meet again.  Though we may not keep in touch very well, I want to thank you, my seasonal friends, for being the very cool and awesome people that you are.  I am SO glad that I met you, and I am very fortunate to have someone like you in my life.  I can’t wait until we meet again.

I don’t know if that’s the kind of feeling you meant.  It funny how much a single shared memory can tie you to to someone for life. 

To celebrate Mother’s Day, Mom invited her sister and mother out for Mother’s Day.  Mom had suggested two restaurants, but my aunt wanted to check out Yantze.  My parents picked up my grandmother to meet my aunt, who was already there and had gotten us six a round table.  The 4-person combo was horrible!  I tasted each of the six dishes, and there was much left over, and I really didn’t want to take anything home.  Even the fried chicken was horrid.  We dropped my grandmother off (she said she was going to take a nap and didn’t want us to come up nor did she want to go listen to a Chinese choir sing at Sugar Creek Baptist Church) then went home to eat watermelon “to wash away the toxins.”  My aunt had given us half of a seedless watermelon, which we consumed quickly.  I spent the rest of the afternoon watching Pangea Day videos.  In the evening, Linton drove the twins and me to James Wei’s place, where the six of us (with Vickie) carpooled in Linton’s Camry to Benjy’s.  On the way we asked if we could stop by Chris’s place (since all day he had rented a U-Haul to move in, and then let Chi-Chi use it to move her stuff in), but he said no.  Peter showed up, and then Chris and David Wen did as well.  We went through the restaurant entrance outside onto their balcony.  Eventually we gathered enough chairs and even moved over a table.  Hannah was to my right, then Vickie, Phoebe, Linton, Chris, David, James, and Peter.  David switched around and explained his media work at North____ Church in Austin to Phoebe and Vickie, who talked about what they’re doing right now (e.g. school and the new guy Access is considering hiring).  Chris dropped his hand sanitizer from his backpocket–I found that to be interesting.

I started a conversation with Peter by asking about his vague prayer request.  I feel he gave an appropriate answer, not really wanting to specify but still being able to share about himself (unlike Chris).  He says his problem is not work related (more personal related) and it doesn’t involve him moving away.  He goes to an Ascension Chinese Catholic Church.  He grew up at WHCC, went to a Catholic church, but when his parents found this one–the best of both worlds (Chinese and Catholic)–they switched over.  Initially the top people didn’t like him because he was outspoken about issues (e.g. budgeting), but now they want him, even though he’s sort of stopped serving for awhile.  He share about trying to stay away from smoking, drugs with his friends, coming out since it’s better than staying home since he can’t do anything about his situation.

We were hungry but since the restaurant was closed we couldn’t order the food.  After many drinks, we went to IHOP.  Initially, I heard Hannah asking a series of questions of David Wen.  It actually started with Chris who was sitting next to her, but of course Chris didn’t say anything.  Then, they said it should be one question at a time, etc.  So we started a question “game” where the person on the right asks the person on the left a question, and the questioner answers and the questioned answers as well.  So, starting with Hannah, she asked Linton what was something most of us don’t know about him.  Hannah says that she’s sometimes a bit OCD, wanting to make things symmetrical, like if she touches something on one side she has to touch the other side as well.  Linton said he’s pretty open, and then finally reported he had one hair on his chest.  Chris was hilarious, saying that in fact he did know that, and he wasn’t too keen in having Linton showing it off when they were roommates.  Linton asked Phoebe what she’s most afraid of.  She said she feared missing an opportunity.  Phoebe asked Vickie.  Vickie asked me about an embarrassing moment.  She said that freshman year she tried out for the rowing team but she hadn’t swam in a long time and almost drowned on the way back.  The coach/lifeguard Christian wasn’t expecting to dive in so he took off his shirt and saved him.  Being a hot guy, all the girls rushed to his side and offered their towels.  I couldn’t think of one, so Vickie said who’s a celebrity crush of mine.  I thought for awhile, killing the momentum of the game.  Vickie started giving prompts, like Brad Pitt.  Peter said he’d like George Clooney, etc.  Finally he said Batman, and I pointed at him and said, “Yeah!”  Then I was to ask him a question, and again a dead end.  At first I asked what his pet peeve was, recycling a question that Hannah had asked David, but we both couldn’t answer that.  I asked James if there was anything he’d like to know about Peter, and James said how much does he shave.  I said 0; Peter said daily.  That wasn’t much of a question, so James said to scratch that and ask about SAT score: me with 1360, he with 12– and 16– (he took it twice).  Peter asked James.  James asked David about the worst thing he did.  James shared that it was the time he keyed a truck then stuffed pizza in the handle of it.  David asked Chris what’s one flaw of his and what he will do to change it.  First David said that he mumbles sometimes so he has to talk clearer, and Hannah was nice and complimented on his good gesture use.  Chris then copied David and said that sometimes he mumbles, too.  Then Linton exclaimed that what Chris really needs to work on is his vulnerability, and we all agreed.  “Man…haters.”  Chris then asked Hannah about her favorite time in college.  Chris said it was his second semester of freshman year.  Hannah said it was the times she went with Jennifer Yu and Matt Lee to the Union to read the newspaper and simply talk and chill.  I got home at 3 am.

I caught the last 2 of 4 hours (see below) of Pangea Day (thanks, Hannah, for figuring out our time zone’s period: 1-5 pm).  Pangea Day is really a wish come true for founder Jehane Noujaim, who won the 2006 TED Award.  You can watch the rest on the site.

Segment 07:  Us/Them  (continuation)

• Film: Stille Post (Telephone Game), directed by Oliver Rauch.  Children pass a secret message along in a familiar childhood game — but their classmate doesn’t realize the message is at his expense.
• Film: Operation Homecoming: Road Work, directed by Richard E. Robbins.  “War is a passage — whether you live or you die.”
• Iranian underground indie rockers Hypernova jam out.
• Film: Sili (The Slap).  A soldier, a young woman, a colonel, and an old woman board a train. Nobody, save one of them, can explain what happens next.
• We Feel Fine, by Jonathan Harris.  The artist and computer scientist makes online art that captures the world’s expression – to show off a world that resonates with shared emotions, concerns, problems, triumphs, and troubles.  “Whether you’re a billionaire or a refugee, a prisoner or a president, you have feelings,” Harris says. And his website “harvests” feelings from the Web. A sample of how people are feeling right now: “I feel like a hack… I feel I could be doing more… I just want to feel alive for the first time in my life… I feel so much of my Dad in me–that there isn’t room for me.”
• Film: Meninos (Boys), directed by Ernesto Molinero.  Boys in a Brazilian school deal with the daily trials of childhood — and emerge better friends.

Segment 08: Fear

• What are your fears?
• Ishmael Beah.  A former child soldier speaks out on violence and healing.  A simple life was transformed by violence when Ishmael Beah was recruited, at age 13, to fight as a child soldier.
  “We have a repsonbility to expose ourselves to our world, to see our common humanity, tolearn about other people — not only in times of war, but in times of peace.”
• Film: Inja (Dog), directed by Steve Pasvolsky.  In South Africa, a long-brutalized dog comes between a white landowner and his young black farmhand.

Segment 09: Anger

• What makes you angry?
• Rwandan singer-songwriter Jean-Paul Samputu is a cultural ambassador — bringing traditional African singing, dancing and drumming, and a message of peace, hope and reconciliation, to the world.
• Eboo Patel on perceptions of race; overcoming bias, and stereotype.  William Stafford said, “If you don’t know the kind of person I am / and I don’t know the kind of person you are / a pattern that others made may prevail in the world.”  Patel says, “It’s time for a pattern of pluralism to prevail over the pattern of fear.”

Segment 10: Laughter

• What gives you joy and makes you laugh?
• Film: Laughter Club, by Neil Davenport.  People around the world are gathering in Laughter Clubs — to share one of the most profound human universals.
• A Global Laugh: Dr. Kataria leads the world in laughter, with actress Goldie Hawn.
• Soaring, heartfelt songs from Rokia Traore.  This Malian singer blends the traditions of her Bamana heritage with a modern singer-songwriter’s approach to music-making. Her smooth vocals mix with the soulful sounds of traditional instruments to create intoxicating music. 

Segment 11: Reconciliation

• Pangea Day founder Jehane Noujaim!
• H.M. Queen Noor of Jordan.  A message of unity; stories that span civilizations. 
• Film: Encounter Point, directed by Ronit Avni and Julia Bacha. 
• Bereaved Families Forum:  Robi Damelin and Ali Abu Awwad.  ““I lost my brother, I lived all my life in refugee camps, I gave up the vast majority of my dreams, but I have not lost my mind. The Jews are not my enemies. Your enemy is your fear.”
• Combatants for Peace, directed by Jehane Noujaim.  The film tells us stories of soldiers who gave up fighting when they realized they were fighting against civilians, and not against any kind of evil. Ex-combatants from both sides, Palestinians and Israelis, decided to fight for peace rather than fight for the cause of one of the sides. “We have to learn to use our pain for peace. We must put an end to this war. We have a partnership for peace. We need to live in peace.”
• Yonathan Shapira and Bassam Aramin take the stage in London — where, sadly, the words that Shapira had prepared for this day are overcome by tragic news.
• Music from Dave Stewart — with surprise guest Nadirah X.
• Karen Armstrong.  Live from London: a religious scholar with a message of tolerance and compassion.  This scholar and writer is a provocative, original thinker on the role of religion in the modern world.  She is leveraging her 2008 Ted Prize to build a Charter for Compassion, a UN-like forum where religious leaders can work together for peace.  “The human mission is to build a global community. All of us have to engage in it. We have to engage in the golden rule which applies to all religions….Every single one of the world’s major faiths believes that it is not sufficient to just extend your compassion to those in your own group; you must take it to out to others as well.”

Segment 12: Closing

• Film: L’Homme Sans Tete (The Man Without a Head), directed by Juan Solanas.  The man without a head will meet his true love tonight. For this occasion, he shall buy a head.
• Join the Global Drumbeat