Tag Archive

I’ve been trying to incorporate more exercise into my daily routine in order to better focus on studying (and combat depression and be healthier overall).  I asked Lisa Leu (she lives about five minutes away) to run with me at the Dulles track (so as to prevent knee erosion) and today was our first time.  We met at Mamie George Branch Library so I could show her where to go.  When we arrived, there were a lot of African-American people (and some other ethnicities).  It appeared they were there for a race.  I wanted to turn back (can I blame social phobia?), but Lisa asked one of the men if we could use the track.  He was a jokester and teased us saying we could run many kilmeters.  Apparently they had just finished a race.  We walk a lap to warm up (and wait until everyone left) before stretching and starting our first lap jogging.  Nearing the end, Lisa asked to stop, but I said we could at least finish one lap.  Then we started walking.  And talking.  She is on HCC BASIC’s steering committee this year (along with Andrew, James, Jesslyn, and Robert).  A large part of our conversation turned to community and inclusivity.  I ask her about her past (she left Taiwan at the age of 12 to Virginia, then California, then Dallas, then Houston).  I ask her her testimony (she’s one of those “always believed” kind of gals), and she asked me mine.  She offered to pray for me regarding studying, taking, and passing my NBCOT exam.  

Oh yeah, and she’s also one of those gals who tend to be very..”girly” she describes herself, and…hopeful, trusting, steadfast in her faith.  In other words, very different from someone like me who more readily identifies with “Doubting” Thomas.  Not that it’s a bad thing of any of us, as long as by the end we all proclaim, “My Lord and my God!” (John 20:28).  She basically attributes anything to God, and after a few “explanations” to her I found myself saying “It was all God’s doing” and related statements.  I felt kind of funny about it because I’m not used to that (and was I also trying to “keep up” with her?), but also I think because a part of me really likes to suck the awe out of many phenomena.  Positively, to point out all the facts and then view it with a better understanding, for me it’s even more amazing on God’s part!

One of the things we talked about last last week was our experience(s) in dating.  Amidst the discussion, I was asked why I’ve only had one romantic relationship though I reported feeling comfortable around guys.  Up until maybe a few months ago, I’ve only been asked by guys who don’t believe in God (yes, my options are becoming better, just need to hold out a little longer, eh? lol).  Nonetheless, I think perhaps that is due to me being around hanging out with so many guys.  And deeper still, I’ve come to realize that I may be pretty closed off, not to guys (because I love guys) but to feelings in general:

friend:  i like the romanticism
me:  i’m turning around to it
friend:  you dont like it?
me: kinda cynical, i guess?
  or
  the other night we had dinner
  and i think “feelings” are very foreign to me
friend:  hm why do you think
  or… i mean, well youve dated before
  did you not have feelings then?
me: but then, i was all depressed
  so when ___ came along, i basically decided to throw myself into it
  regardless of the consequences
friend:  so whys it so foreign to think that you could feel the same way for another person
  you would rather not try at all than to try and risk getting heartbroken?
me: well, i wasn’t conciously doing it back then
  like, “amy, build wall so i won’t get heartbroken”
  but right now, i realize i really didn’t give “feelings” a fair chance in anything
friend:  lol
  well…feelings are fleeting
me: probably a big part of how i ended up becoming depressed
  yes, they are, but they have their rightful place
  and i wasn’t giving them the credit due them

This not only includes limerance but also anger, anxiety, sadness, disappointment, even happiness, amusement, you name it!  So much so that I don’t know how to handle them at all; I deny that I feel them.  Only recently have I accepted the challenge to process and put them into words.  You know how it is with the immigrant Asian parents (most of them that I know).  You try to ask them about their past, or how they’re feeling, and it’s like I’m talking alien.  So having copied that, and adding a good dose of my own tendencies, I’ve gone too far on the end of the spectrum.  Counseling was fail, so I took things into my own hands and am slowly figuring things out:  “As stress increases, ‘learned behavior’ tends to give way to the natural style, so the ISTP will behave more according to type when under greater stress, such as withdrawing from people, sorting out detailed points that could perhaps wait, and ignoring their feelings.  Under extreme stress, the ISTP’s shadow may appear, a negative form of ENFJ.  Example characteristics include displaying intense feelings towards others, insisting on things being done without any logical basis, being very sensitive to criticism, having a gloomy view of the future, and attributing unrealistic negative meaning to others’ actions or statements.” 

When I flew to New Jersey without telling anybody to see my first..boyfriend (haha, what a weird label), I was at one of my lowest points in my life.  After I confessed to my parents and friends, I still felt “not right.”  The entire time I tried to convince myself out of doing it, even with my fellow spiritual brothers and sisters’ help, but the truth that it didn’t work is because part of me would do it all over again, and that scares me.  Being so vulnerable at the time (and foolish, headstrong, and impulsive), let’s just say that if he wanted to have sex, he would’ve gotten in.  And oh my, the shame I would have to deal with!  I thank God every day that He didn’t let me put myself in the hands of someone who didn’t care about me, someone who could’ve taken full advantage of me.  I was pretty reckless, so I knew I’d be caught eventually, even though I think I felt bad for being caught (reputation?) and not for doing what I did (grieving God, my family, and my friends). 

I brought up my concern with my brother, who said, out of experience, that the remorse will come in due time.  I’m not sure what I was looking for, but I sure don’t look forward to that time, because who wants to feel guilty?  Even if it is godly (2 Corinthians 7:8-10), not many people I know wants to go through the fire to the purified part (Malachi 3:2-3).  But the part that wants to do it all over again is getting smaller and smaller.  And yes, my knowledge that I will reap the consequences of those actions in my marriage is growing because I did indeed “arouse or awaken love [before] it so desires” (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4).  Right now, I’m so glad that the way God let me fall forced me to be open with my close family and friends (interesting that some who are depressed only tell their families, and others only tell their friends) so I won’t have to go through trying to tiptoe around them until I break (again).  I hope I’ve learned the lesson well this time around so that there won’t be some even more drastic fall in the future for me!

Some of the wise will stumble, so that they may be refined, purified and made spotless until the time of the end, for it will still come at the appointed time.

I’ve been pretty ravenous about media consumption this past week.  Monday I watched The Day the Earth Stood Still (directed by Robert Wise) from Elliot.  I finished A Wrinkle in Time on Thursday (after reading a few pages to start me off the day before from waiting at Walmart while my dad switched out his bicycle).  It was my first time reading it, and it wasn’t too bad at all (my caveat was that Meg annoyed me:  “Just shut up already!” was what I was thinking haha).  Yesterday I watched His Girl Friday (suggested by/borrowed from Elliot) with Hannah.  It’s not your typical romantic comedy (1940).  Charm (Cary Grant) really does win girls over, even when we know it involves all that trickery.  But the way they showed it, of course, made it feel like harmless fun and teasing.  Sometimes you gotta watch out for those old movies.  Yesterday I also ended up typing up an inventory of my books.  A bookshelf really reveals the interests and life of another, or at least I found that it does me. 

This morning, Hannah invited me to the monthly booksale put on by the First Colony Library: $1 hardbacks and $0.50 paperbacks unless otherwise priced.  I ended up with a bunch of books in my arms, including The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron.  I’ve started it and I think I like it better than The Introvert Advantage by Marti Laney.  It’s not books that are, omg! that I would go around raving.  But, they are right for me at this point in my life.  I was pretty beat up in El Paso–what with the Mexican culture, the predominating extroverts loving bars (which I hate)–definitely feeling out of sorts.  So I guess this week I’ve just non-planningly been doing the things I enjoy: books, movies, stories, art, and spirituality.  I’ve said before that I think that I’ve never felt angry towards God (not only because I probably deny and trick myself) because I’ve never really felt close to Him (even though I’ve always known, and it’s obvious looking around, that He definitely hasn’t abandoned me but instead has continued to bless).  But I’m pretty content right now.  I really wish I could impart to you just how satisfied I feel this instance.  I’m enjoying the moment.  “So happy.”

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

Not the television series season finale tonight.  That’s just how I describe how I’ve been feeling for quite some time.  And that’s what I’ve been telling people.  Like I wrote in an email three weeks ago when asked for a prayer request:  “On a personal note, I still feel lost, but it’s not this big suffocating weight and desperation, and I don’t really think it’s a bad thing either.  Still, I think what was said at Bible study was right on target, I really don’t even know what to specify except that I really haven’t touched that Bible in forever.  I used to read it every day.  So that is a step.  But just everything is on my mind really, like counseling and church and career and stuff….”  Before, it was this feeling of desolation that would be the catalyst of a stampede of thoughts that no one cares (e.g. second-guessing my friends and family, perceiving past gatherings from under the shadow of a dark cloak).  Just as Phoebe knows her fear of the stage is irrational, I know these thoughts are irrational, but it still doesn’t much help with untangling that knot during the deer-in-headlights moment.  Depression is irrational!  Or is it?  I remember Hannah made a comment after watching Lifting the Veil, saying she somewhat believes that some who have depression are more in tune with reality than us “normal” people because we “ignore” the atrocities and stick with an “illusion” of rosiness in order to not go “crazy.”

“Keep Breathing”
by Ingrid Michaelson

The storm is coming but I don’t mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that i know is I’m breathing now.

I want to change the world…instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I’m breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that I know is I’m breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

Anyway, I guess this is as good a time as any to at least sort a smidgen in my mind/heart/spirit:

COMMUNITY
Genesis 35:11

Last Thursday I drove my parents to Austin to pay a last visit before my brother left for one week (to visit his former roommate), to give him his luggage (so he can pack), and to clean out his fridge (because he can leave food on the stove and not ever eat or clean it out).  My brother and I are very close.  We grew up with the same parents and familial history, in the same household, went to the same school for awhile, even were in the exact class and period for a class or two in high school (personal tutor, baby!).  We initially hung out with the majority of the same acquaintances (and lack thereof) and shared in the same struggles regarding church and friends and connectedness that we still discuss to this day, many times while in his room chatting up to the wee hours of the night/morn and our parents would come and say time to go to bed!  We are considerably different when you meet us, no doubt, as I am more like our mother and he is more like our father.  And in fact since high school we have led very different lives and rarely hang out or even talk with the same people, friends, or each other.  Nonetheless, during those occasional phone calls, I would say that I still feel close and  would still reveal much embarrassing/humbling/shameful things to him.

By the way, he had moved into a new apartment (from the urgings of his currently ex-girlfriend) and bought some furniture.  Where did they come from?  The famous Craigslist.  I have never been to the site, but many many people have made references to it.  From my understanding, it’s a virtual (that sometimes eventually leads to a physical) place where people can sell and exchange practically anything, from sofas and endtables to jobs, pets, and discussions.  It reminds me of Facebook and Myspace, two sites which Jennifer Garcia is part of and asked me if I was as well (I’m not, and actually most people in FBCC don’t have Facebook).  I’m not part of Craigslist, either, but is it something to BE a part of?  But those in Facebook and Myspace are still part of that network since they are still signed up in it, right?  Am I still part of Xanga if I decide I won’t write in it anymore (no activity), even if I have two blogs hosted on it?  You used to need an account to leave a comment, but now you don’t.  Do those who have never signed up part of Xanga if they leave a million comments on others’ Xanga blogs?  What does it mean to be part of a community?  What does it mean to be part of a church, and to be part of His Church?

FELLOWSHIP
Acts 2:42-47

I have been faithfully attending church services on Sundays since childhood.  But this past January, since I’ve always hated it (since middle school and El Paso, and even in Austin), I made a conscious decision to just stop going.  I made no effort to wake up earlier than usual, and even if I did, I didn’t even consider the possibility of perhaps attending.  Not until I figure out which church to attend regularly (do I want to stick with FBCC with its new chapter?), why I feel the way I do about it (is it the environment, the specific social situation?), and my reasons for going.  Three Sundays ago, I told Tiffany that though I haven’t really been communing with God lately, and though I have never ever exactly lauded FBCC, I have come to the conclusion to return to FBCC.  Now I have to dissect what that entails.

Regardless of its vagueness, it was a difficult decision.  Vickie is in San Antonio, so that’s why she says she continues to attend WHCC (her default).  However, she says that when she returns to a more permanent stay in Houston, she’ll move to Access, which is where Phoebe and Linton are fellowshiping now.  Access is starting out as a small but highly committed group.  When it grows in size, how will it look like?  Are people still going to connect?  To start off last fall, Pastor Ted asked his congregants to read The Celtic Way of Evangelism: How Christianity Can Reach the West…Again by George G. Hurton III.  In it, the key to evangelism is through understanding and living as a fellowship among the people, and in time they will open their hearts to the God who knows them.  The old Roman way was for people to believe before they can belong, while the new Celtic way is for you to belong and eventually believe.  In other words, the community and not an individual brings you to Christ.  In many ways, it’s easier to tell someone the Gospel than it is to take someone where s/he consistently experiences the Gospel.

How do we belong?  I sure feel like I belong to WHCC and HCC more than FBCC.  I know I am at fault for not terribly trying much, but even though I don’t really try, I get invited to their birthday parties, their holiday celebrations, and their event gatherings.  They even apologize profusely for forgetting to add me onto their list and making sure I am included next time.  On the flip side, I try the hardest with FBCC (but not my hardest in general) by calling and emailing them to contact me to hang out, and instead I’ve come to expect voicemail and oh yeah, this is what we’re doing right now, if you want to come.  Is it because at least one or two people keep track of me at WHCC and HCC, but no one does here at FBCC?  That could make all the difference.  Or is it that I expect more (and keep a record of wrongs?) because I have decided to be included at FBCC but I am nonchalant with whether I am invited to WHCC or HCC?  I remember back in January there was a slew of WHCC birthdays, and then in February there was a slew of FBCC birthdays.  Somehow, I ended up going to the WHCC ones but not the FBCC ones as much; I don’t remember now, but at the time was it due to scheduling conflicts or did I finally decide to attend the WHCC ones because I was more comfortable with them?  What does it mean to expect the worse but hope for the best?  How do you have high expectations but….? 

When I entered college, I checked out a handful of Christian gatherings.  I joined a small group that was part of the then-called Chinese Bible Study because it was the thing to do and everyone kept emphasizing them.  Our group fell apart,one by one, until it was just the Bible study leader, me, and this girl who was highly committed and hadn’t yet accepted Jesus.  I felt sorry, but that wasn’t going to cut it, so I left highly disappointed and joined CCC.  Later, I learned that one of the girls who wasn’t that much of a believer became good friends with Kara and eventually made an amazing transformation through His grace.  The thing is, though you can encourage group ownership, it sure can’t be forced.  Anyone knows nagging doesn’t work, although we find ourselves doing it.  Haven’t you noticed with some you just click instantly and with others you don’t?  Some people find you dull, while others find you exciting, or at least around them somehow you light up.  Even if you give all the time you can, with all the sincerity and effort, with both of you seeking, even if you lived near each other.  Reminds me of that girl from Chicago: we had an affinity towards each other so we’d decide to meet up and all, but anyone can tell from our conversations that somehow we just weren’t clicking.  Eventually we both decided without words to call it off.  She was a smart and pretty girl; I wonder where she is now after UT Austin pre-pharm classes.

Maybe we’re defining incorrectly.  Back in high school, I was elected to be the Science Club president, with a new teacher sponsor.  It bothered me that our definition of a member was someone who paid the fee.  There were those who were super dedicated, coming and helping at every single event, while others never showed up but they did pay the money.  I didn’t enjoy being president, so for me to keep everything running was as good as it was going to get, not trying to change their pre-existing system.  Magnificat has an application process but afterwards you’re in for life.  Even with years of hiatus you are always wlecome to come back and use the resources.  I met Annie Shen at an HCC gathering, and she says she hangs out with HCC, serves in her home Asian church, and then attends a more American (or African-American?) church on Sunday mornings.  Seems fragmented and yet, is that something I want to imitate?  In a way, her method demonstrates that we together are the Bride of Christ.  Vickie’s always running around hanging out with all these groups because we are all interconnected (actually, if left to my own devices, I really don’t care to make new friends). 

Indeed, it is impossible to know everyone, even within a single church building (”Abandon Committees, Skip Teams, and Embrace Communities” by George Bullard), so is there significance in “choosing” a church?  Are we to attend, serve, and gather within one?  What does the modern-day “fellowship of the believers” look like?  I think my problem would be choosing, because many times events have been booked for the same weekend.  Do I even it out?  Or instead, focus?  Still, I remember in the past when someone at FBCC needed a bone marrow transplant due to leukemia; the whole church gathered together.  We have also drawn together to fundraise for missions we support.  And the Chinese churches have gathered together for events as well (although it appears that FBCC does that less than the others).  Our mechanic, dentist, realtor, and family physician all were borne from the network of these Chinese churches.  It’s like “The New Science of Networks” by Albert-Laszlo Barabasi (who wrote it after reading “The Strength of Weak Ties“ by Mark S. Granovetter).

Still, when I went to RecWeek it was a big deal since I didn’t commit myself to InterVarsity but to CCC:EPIC (who has their own similar conference: DWC)–the IV leader went to the CCC leader to make sure they knew about me and it was okay with them!  Actually, it is the close relationships I formed in EPIC, not IV, that continue to live on.  I’ve still visited Josh, sent a card to Jonathan Le, had a few meals with prayers and talks of our spiritual struggles with Marie when she stops in town, and exchanged sparse emails with Iris.  Which reminds me: before the birth of EPIC, Alice and I were part of a CCC cell group.  The concept is that, as it grew, it would split and thus multiply.  We had to decide who we wanted to go with: Ophelia or Kristen.  I couldn’t decide at all.  Eventually, on the Jester steps, Iris poured out her heart and tears and basically begged me to be part of the one she had chosen.  I don’t remember if I had chosen one yet at this point, or if I ended up choosing the one that she asked me to be a part of, but I just remember this particular heart-wrenching moment.  I’ve never felt so loved and accepted.  And then, even leaving a comment on a random Xanga where they just started their own EPIC, I never would have imagined that eventually she would pray for my sins, and then point me (with Rudi) to spent one night of our two-week road trip at a stranger’s apartment.  Not only did this sister in Christ open her place for us and provide hospitality, she also prayed for and over us.

FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS
Luke 15:1-7

Perhaps Josh had a better glimpse of how this all operates when he wrote his journal entry on seasonal friendships.  On the snowboarding trip, not only did I reinforce previous friendships but also forged new ones.  Liz prayed for me when she didn’t even know me, only because she knew I needed the spiritual support.  Now we still exchange postcards and emails.  I haven’t spoken to Ruth since I’ve moved back from El Paso; she was a wonderful roommate.  During the student orientation at UT Austin, somehow I ended up hanging with a Hispanic girl and an African-American guy.  I remember the incident when we were eating some free food in a large banquet hall, and he said that he really stood out.  “Because we’re under the skylight?”  “No, because I’m the only black person in this room.”  It was really nice to not be alone and to share the experience with others in the same boat.  I remember her waving at me later, and he visited my dorm freshman year, but now I don’t even remember his or her names (or faces….).  When we graduated, Sapna gave me an old photograph of when the three of us (including Reena) were in second grade? and I had played this detective game with them by planting clues: ”It takes a long time to grow an old friend.”  Back in high school, Carla Ortiz gave me this:  “Thanks for being my friend & for being the caring person that you are to me.  Your the GREATEST friend.  Happy B-day to a friend that means ALOT to me.”  I remember thinking, this is so out of nowhere!  I don’t recall any conversations we’ve had in the past, and ever since I have not a clue what’s going on with her.  She says I’m such a great friend to her, but how?  I know many times I’m nice to those I really would prefer never to hang out with again, but with her it wasn’t even that….

I remember back in Austin, Timmy Chui wrote about The Atomic Tiers of Friendship haha; wonder where he got his ideas.  Phoebe and Hannah have been gone for a week in Hong Kong and will be gone for another week.  I have been contemplating our relationships since I’ve been back at my parents’ place for the time being.  Phoebe and I grew close first semester of freshman year and then agreed to an accountability relationship thereafter until I moved to El Paso.  Hannah and I gelled a connection after her 22nd birthday while exchanging deep, dark, familiar yet unsimilar, privacies.  We’ve hung out I think usually once a week together on the weekends, but of course it’s not like before.  I think other acquaintances (not “friends”) know more about them than I do at this point.  I’m not exactly pining for the days gone by but rather how to take those spontaneous moments along into the future, how to cultivate the environment for our older selves in new stages, for the sake of the gospel, for our children.

I mentioned that we should be neighbors so our kids can play together.  Linton said, “But you don’t even have a boyfriend!.”  Indeed, I’m not even close to marrying, let alone having children.  I never really got to know my neighbors, but it turns out that I know a little more (thanks to my dad) than Phoebe and Hannah do about theirs (they say they’re new).  Linton has to feed their dog Missy, but it seems that in the past (or at least in media), the neighbor usually handles that role.  As I drive towards Dulles Avenue, I always pass a driveway packed with boys who have grown tall and lanky!  I don’t know who lives there, but I’ve seen African-American guys, Asian-American guys, and white guys all playing basketball together.  When Gilmore Girls first came out, what drew me was not only the intelligent banter but the concept that they lived in a (too) close-knit town.  Everyone would eat at the local Luke’s Diner, and then people could hang out on their front porches and say hello to those walking by.  But they sure had a lot of gossip.  (And, as Phoebe said, when Dean made love to Rory, we were shocked.  So much for a clean series.)  I absolutely adored the neighborhood playground my brother and I frequented as children.  Okay, so maybe this concept is now dangerous in this day and age.  Then you can have those “gated communities” that Jessica/Robert/Rosemery (and my brother) are in (compare with the med center condos that Alison/Wilson/Cindy live in).

MARRIAGE
Ephesians 5:22-33

I always say that I feel more comfortable around guys than girls (verus for Linton he says he grew up feeling more comfortable around girls than guys).  The past few weeks I wonder how I came to that conclusion, both mentally and subconsciously in how I act.  I mean, I hung out with both while in school (and senior year it was a table of all females during lunch, man I miss Arlene and oh, her birthday was this past Sunday), and at church it wasn’t like the guys in my class treated me better than the girls.  I would also say that I have more guy friends than girl friends, yet if I lost my guy friends I would be sad but not as devastated as if I were to lose a friendship with a girl. 

Chris Sun is a prime example.  In fact, I’m almost hesitant to call him a friend.  Is he more of a…frequent acquaintance?  Seriously, the only reason we hang out is through Linton (and satellite friends).  I have a [funny] birthday card that he gave me freshman year.  Little did I know then how rare that is.  Yet he’s probably going to be one of Linton’s groomsman, and I did invite him to my birthday dinner, I guess to even it out.  I also invited Nathan Kim, and we rarely talk.  In fact, we just see each other at football and usually don’t even exchange words.  But I know if I am in need of prayer or other help, he will respond, as he always emails back amidst his numerous activities.  And then there are Andrew, Nathan, and Inch.  Well, I haven’t been in contact with them for quite a long time now, but it’s okay.  I think I feel closer to them than the other people I’ve met from football simply because I met them through Vickie, and somehow that changed the dynamics in how I associate with them, like sending them Christmas cards.

Haha, remember when Tina Chen thought that David Kalloor and I were dating because he’d come over so often freshman year before either of us made many new friends?  It never occurred to me, and I never ever did/will have that thought concerning him.  Whereas with Siwei we, I have no idea how, hit it off right off the bat (where/when/who).  I could tell him everything that I tell my brother–that’s how close I felt with him.  But I barely met him.  At first I clung to thinking, “What does it mean to know my husband?” but like friendships, there are those you just click with and those you don’t.  So I’ve let go of that.  When I said no in Austin to a sweet guy who asked me out, he asked if it was because he didn’t believe in God.  “No, I’m just not attracted to you.”  Somehow, I didn’t feel it.  

Although, I think that has to do with our current culture.  If parents don’t approve of your choice nowadays, that’s usually overlooked instead of trying to reconcile.  In past customs (like the dowry) and in prevailing traditions (like the father “giving away” the daughter) though, it’s really a relationship between the two families, if not also between/within churches (The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony by Pamela Paul), dating with the approval of your community, who is in the place to help you weigh in the other factors of values and also keep you accountable.  That’s probably why Erwin and I are somewhat okay when thinking about arranged marriages.  I think the problem occurs when they make matches due to affluence and distinguishment, etc, as all humans end up messing up good systems.  My question to myself is, “If a guy I highly respect were to ask me but I just wasn’t feeling it, even after multiple extended rendezvous, would I accept?”  I think this is the wisdom I need to ask God about: the ability to discern whether an obstacle is the result of the need for discipline/perseverance (hurdle) or is the result of the need for a detour/fork (wall).  That’s what I’ve been trying to consider about waking up early, memorizing verses, personality in socializing, planning (using a planner works great for me, but Jennifer Lin says it doesn’t help her at all), kit with relatives, exercising, friendships as mentioned above, love languages….

PURPOSE
John 17:4

Last Wednesday, we met for FBCC Ladies’ Group.  The overall concensus was, we have no idea where we are headed and how our stories will end on earth and continue in heaven.  Many are figuring out whether to change to an entirely new area of study, or at least a new job within their current finished schooling.  The competition rises each year it seems among valedictorians/salutatorians, and I am amazed at just how ambitious and passionate they appear to be; you wonder if they will reach it, and if they will find satisfaction in reaching it.  As the dark clouds slowly dissipate, at times an epiphany or some clarity will shine through, but then it quickly disappears and I’m in a fog again, but still in a better state for seeing it.  I’m usually at peace when I think that I will be married while going about the house, how I’ve always vaguely but contentedly imagined it, helping supporting supplementing whatever he endeavors.  Despite that, Proverbs 31 had always bothered me, but even now the Proverbs 31 woman is now a celebration and challenge.  This always-wife desire and this in-the-Bible-but-doesn’t-seem-right disenchantment is finally coming together.  I guess I didn’t realize that it made me feel intimidated, incompetent, hopeless, exhausted (in my own power) like reading the goals of the graduates.  Instead, as God is making us perfect, as women He is making us her (His power with our participation), in our own unique ways. 

Of course, having “peace” doesn’t always mean I’m on the right track, but again you can’t discount it either.  I get restless when I think that I have been blessed beyond what I could’ve asked or imagined and with that comes the stewardship of making great strides for His kingdom (and thus even before believing but being raised in church, missions was always attractive to my naive eyes).  The thing is, ultimately we are to obey and glorify, NOT to change the world.  I think it is in this that I am transitioning from abstractness into something more pragmatic, as I am slowly lifted out and glean the gems that can only be understood from coming out of trip-ups, temptations, and trials.  I was all tangled up in my buzz words of community/friends/romance/vulnerability/missions/reconciliation/prayer, I’ve forgotten to “look up!”  I’ve been trying to figure out what God has given me a gift in, where God has placed my passions in, and how it could all work in this current culture, but conclusively regardless of techniques and training, the umph will be from God.  

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.  Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.  All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.  For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! (Philippians 3:7-16, Romans 11:36).

AMEN.

I was trying to find this but instead stumbled upon the following email from an old EPIC friend dated Sunday, May 1, 2005 9:11 PM:

Well, I took long enough getting back to you.  How are you?  I read your last email, but there was so much to take in that I wound up not responding to any of it, haha.  You had a lot of really great thoughts.  I hope all is well, and although it was many, many weeks ago, I’m glad you enjoyed your trip to Austin.  I happen to enjoy visiting old places, but it is true that I end up very nostalgic because it isn’t the same as I remember.  I can relate to the thought of seeing familiar faces yet somewhat regretting not getting to know them better.  There are people from high school who I would love to see just because we connected for a semester back in high school, but at the same time, we weren’t really close either.  I call those relationships seasonal friendships.  In fact, not too long ago, I wrote a short journal about it:

This is a letter of gratitude and fondness for my seasonal friends.  Do you know the type I’m talking about?  There are always those really cool people in your life who you may only see once or twice a year–at best.  However, when you do happen to cross paths, you connect and click with them immediately.  A big smile spreads across your face, and you run to greet them.  You pick up where you last left off, and it’s as if you’ve never been apart.  You may not be keeping track of what’s going on in each other’s lives, but when you talk, you can still relate to what they say.  These are the people that don’t immediately pop into your head when you’re thinking about your friends, people that you may not think of at all until you meet again–and that’s ok.  Because when you meet, you can talk with them about everything and anything; you laugh and share for one night…and then not talk to them again for months.  To see them again is like a holiday surprise: it only happens once a year, but just that one evening is enough to satisfy you.  They float in and out of your life, tied to you by only one fond shared memory or experience–a single, thin thread, but one that is unbreakable.  They are the people you don’t realize how much you miss until you meet again.  Though we may not keep in touch very well, I want to thank you, my seasonal friends, for being the very cool and awesome people that you are.  I am SO glad that I met you, and I am very fortunate to have someone like you in my life.  I can’t wait until we meet again.

I don’t know if that’s the kind of feeling you meant.  It funny how much a single shared memory can tie you to to someone for life. 

People come into your life
for a reason,
a season,
or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you experience of peace or make you laugh. They may
teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real!  But… only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway), and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of our life. It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant.
The PRESENT is the gift from God that you receive when he puts someone in your life.

God may put someone in your life for
five seconds,
five years,
five decades.

God doesn’t promise us any certain time with someone and it’s what we make of that time that is our gift from God. That’s why we call it the PRESENT So enjoy the PRESENT from God.
Thank you for being a part of my life. May God hold you in the palm of His hand and angels watch over you.

Sunday.  My parents came back from church to provide me lunch (FBCC doesn’t provide lunch during the summers since estimation of who’s in town is futile).  Afterwards, I went to meet up with Linton, Chris, and Vickie.  They didn’t want to shoot around, so instead they decided to join those BASIC members who were free that afternoon.  I read in the car (so hot!) while I waited for them to get ready (e.g. for Chris to grab his bowling shoes).  The four of us decided to get started and played two games.  I’m not partial to bowling, but I have to admit that with the three of them I had a great time.  I just told Vickie I look at the tick marks on the bowling alley and she went from 53 in the first game to 111 in the second game, breaking 100 for the first time in her life.  It was so monumental that I found myself jumping up and down in sharing her happiness LOL.  I bowled my average (88 in the first game and 97 in the second).  Linton ended up being the top scorer in the first game (95) by ending with a spare and strike using the rotating method, but somehow he dropped to last place in the second game (87).  His usual method is like having a mini track run up to the edge of the alley and then throwing the ball until it crashes and rolls towards the pins (you have to see it in person haha).  Chris improved his technique and, with some competition from Vickie, bowled a 116 by the second game.  It was so much fun seeing how that ended (”yeah!”). 

The guys left but Vickie stayed since enough BASIC people arrived for them to start playing.  I was formally introduced to Shawn Yu who apparently used to be the roommate of Vincent Tao, George Wu, and Kenny Lew.  I read.  Then they browsed the Barnes and Noble down the street.  Jeff made a pledge at DWC to go on STIM after college, so that’s how he knows Josh Peng.  He says, “And now I’m herein the secular world.  It’s very different.”  He was browsing the management section, saying eventually he would want to start his own.  He’s moving out of Texas the first week of June.

For dinner I joined Linton, Chris, Michael and Eveline, Jonathan, and James (7:30).  It was funny, I ended up right behind James who was driving Jonathan, and they waved hello through the rearview mirror.  At first we were going to eat at FuFu’s, but since it was full we decided to go elsewhere.  Taking forever (but I can’t complain since I wasn’t making any decision either) walking down the block back an forth, Vickie decided to join us after all (she wasn’t hungry but she was hungrier that the BASIC people since they had eaten a big, late lunch).  She suggested East Wall, so we walked over.  We ordered seven dishes (8:30), and the waitress was somewhat pressing for us to order another entree.  I’m not sure if she was concerned about the superstitioun that eight is complete for luck, or if she was using that as an excuse for us to order one more dish, or if she thought we wouldn’t have enough to eat.  Peter joined us later. 

We headed to James’ condo and eventually decided to play Monopoly, with a drinking element.  I had assumed I wasn’t playing since I wouldn’t be drinking alcohol, but they slapped a handful of money in front of me.  So many people talking at once that people kept asking how many of each bill was needed, that eventually Linton a bit frustratingly repeated himself.  Eveline was studying for her pharm tech exam on Wednesday, but she ended up being the banker by the end.  Peter (hat) convinced Chris (’Das boot!’) to give him the yellow properties for a complete set, so Peter eventually won.  For a few moments I think he was thinking he may need to form an alliance, since we were ganging up on him, and tried to do so with Vickie, Jonathan, and then me.  I didn’t land on any property I could buy until near the end, with New York Avenue.  Linton didn’t have much more luck, only ending up with the Electric Company and a purple, which he ended up having a complete set after trading some railroads.  He was advocating for me so much, saying that someone rich needed to donate something for me, so I could at least build something and feel part of the game.  Awwwwww.  In response, James just suddenly said, “Here, donation” and dropped the Water Works property in front of me LOL.  Man, you just had to be there. 

Chris had no idea the consequences of his trade (he had initially wanted to make the deal sweeter to give Vickie a blue property (not cyan, as Linton pointed out haha!) with some railroads so that she would give him orange-red property, but she declined).  Eventually Chris traded with Jonathan so he finally had his complete orange-red set and Jonathan had his green set.  James had the cyan set after trading (he at first was saying how little possibility it was to end up having a complete set - been a long while since he’s played, eh?) with Michael (to have a complete purple-red set), who was quite quiet.  He didn’t drink either.  They had decided about drinking during landing on houses, hotels, jail, luxury tax, and income tax.  In the beginning, Vickie left briefly and when she returned and rolled her dice, she accidentally knocked down a couple of people’s playing pieces, so that they decided she had to drink for that (and eventually many more for others in the course of the game).  They also randomly decided for peopel to drink when people made “stupid” comments or asked “stupid” questions, when they spilt alcohol, or etc etc.  It went so out of hand that James at one point said, “Because I feel like it” and drank along with Linton and Chris, I think, hahaha.  At times they’d get so riled up, everyone would be standing, and I would try to push Jonathan and James to sit down.  Peter said, “I’ve never played Monopoly with a group that was so anal about rules and all.”  Wow, what a game. 

We decided to stop at 2 a.m.  Peter and then Chris left at 3 a.m.  James fell asleep on his bed in his room.  Vickie (loveseat) and Linton (couch) ended up sleeping over.  I read Acts 15-16 and Psalm 37 with Jonathan on the laptop.  Afterwards he checked Facebook and his email.  Then he said that sometimes when he has time or is bored, he’d check on houses so he’d get a better sense of prices, etc. when he eventually does decide to own a home.  He says that he’d like to work for this smaller company that’s located in northwest? Houston.  Finally we went to sleep on the floor (found a sleeping bag in the closet for me to use–not sure what he did) around 4 a.m. 

Monday/Memorial Day.  Vickie and Linton left for home before 8 a.m.  Linton’s so sweet, asking me if I needed a ride back.  I decided against it and tried to fall back asleep, but i couldn’t so I got up and read.  Then James treated me to a Chinese breakfast at Classic Kitchen (soup wontons, egg-and-tortilla, and warm soy milk–yeah, don’t hate because I don’t know what they’re called).  Jonathan had left in the morning as well, watching a movie with his sister Susan and then working out at the gym.  James and I ended taking a nap again at 11 a.m.  Peter came at noon with crawfish (he woke up early to buy it and not without a search, finally at Viet Hoa) as well as onions and oranges.  James provided the sausage.  James put on I Am Legend, which was when Chris arrived in his motorcycle garb.  Then they watched Street Kings with Keanu Reeves, which I didn’t watch because I was eating crawfish.  Linton did, after he came with the spicy powder and sliced mushrooms.  Then they put on Curse of the Golden Flower (from Sony, which bought Paramount Pictures) after much objection from Eve.  After seeing it, I concur.  Bea left soon after, and then Vickie left at 8:30 to head back to San Antonio (first day of summer school tomorrow).  I decided to leave at 9 p.m.  There was still a whole pile left (Braden, Brian, and Steve had to work today, but Candace and JoJo showed up for this second consumption).  Eveline was still studying (using Peter’s book he had bought in the past but never took the test).  Eveline ended up speaking with Elaine on the phone because Jacky had dirty hands from peeling the crawfish, and it was so cute and sweet that they converse in Chinese, hehe.  Eve said that her current relationship is the longest she’s had (6 months), but her parents still think that the white guy is “just a friend.”  James had to take out the trash so he asked Peter to walk me to the car.  It seemed like a lot of work (especially after last night), so I asked if he enjoyed it.  He said, “Strangely, yes.”  I reported that I enjoyed hanging out with them, especially after hearing from people that UH is a commuter school.  He said, “Yes, we miss out on the dorm like and all that, but I like to think that we’re more grounded in reality.” 

To celebrate Mother’s Day, Mom invited her sister and mother out for Mother’s Day.  Mom had suggested two restaurants, but my aunt wanted to check out Yantze.  My parents picked up my grandmother to meet my aunt, who was already there and had gotten us six a round table.  The 4-person combo was horrible!  I tasted each of the six dishes, and there was much left over, and I really didn’t want to take anything home.  Even the fried chicken was horrid.  We dropped my grandmother off (she said she was going to take a nap and didn’t want us to come up nor did she want to go listen to a Chinese choir sing at Sugar Creek Baptist Church) then went home to eat watermelon “to wash away the toxins.”  My aunt had given us half of a seedless watermelon, which we consumed quickly.  I spent the rest of the afternoon watching Pangea Day videos.  In the evening, Linton drove the twins and me to James Wei’s place, where the six of us (with Vickie) carpooled in Linton’s Camry to Benjy’s.  On the way we asked if we could stop by Chris’s place (since all day he had rented a U-Haul to move in, and then let Chi-Chi use it to move her stuff in), but he said no.  Peter showed up, and then Chris and David Wen did as well.  We went through the restaurant entrance outside onto their balcony.  Eventually we gathered enough chairs and even moved over a table.  Hannah was to my right, then Vickie, Phoebe, Linton, Chris, David, James, and Peter.  David switched around and explained his media work at North____ Church in Austin to Phoebe and Vickie, who talked about what they’re doing right now (e.g. school and the new guy Access is considering hiring).  Chris dropped his hand sanitizer from his backpocket–I found that to be interesting.

I started a conversation with Peter by asking about his vague prayer request.  I feel he gave an appropriate answer, not really wanting to specify but still being able to share about himself (unlike Chris).  He says his problem is not work related (more personal related) and it doesn’t involve him moving away.  He goes to an Ascension Chinese Catholic Church.  He grew up at WHCC, went to a Catholic church, but when his parents found this one–the best of both worlds (Chinese and Catholic)–they switched over.  Initially the top people didn’t like him because he was outspoken about issues (e.g. budgeting), but now they want him, even though he’s sort of stopped serving for awhile.  He share about trying to stay away from smoking, drugs with his friends, coming out since it’s better than staying home since he can’t do anything about his situation.

We were hungry but since the restaurant was closed we couldn’t order the food.  After many drinks, we went to IHOP.  Initially, I heard Hannah asking a series of questions of David Wen.  It actually started with Chris who was sitting next to her, but of course Chris didn’t say anything.  Then, they said it should be one question at a time, etc.  So we started a question “game” where the person on the right asks the person on the left a question, and the questioner answers and the questioned answers as well.  So, starting with Hannah, she asked Linton what was something most of us don’t know about him.  Hannah says that she’s sometimes a bit OCD, wanting to make things symmetrical, like if she touches something on one side she has to touch the other side as well.  Linton said he’s pretty open, and then finally reported he had one hair on his chest.  Chris was hilarious, saying that in fact he did know that, and he wasn’t too keen in having Linton showing it off when they were roommates.  Linton asked Phoebe what she’s most afraid of.  She said she feared missing an opportunity.  Phoebe asked Vickie.  Vickie asked me about an embarrassing moment.  She said that freshman year she tried out for the rowing team but she hadn’t swam in a long time and almost drowned on the way back.  The coach/lifeguard Christian wasn’t expecting to dive in so he took off his shirt and saved him.  Being a hot guy, all the girls rushed to his side and offered their towels.  I couldn’t think of one, so Vickie said who’s a celebrity crush of mine.  I thought for awhile, killing the momentum of the game.  Vickie started giving prompts, like Brad Pitt.  Peter said he’d like George Clooney, etc.  Finally he said Batman, and I pointed at him and said, “Yeah!”  Then I was to ask him a question, and again a dead end.  At first I asked what his pet peeve was, recycling a question that Hannah had asked David, but we both couldn’t answer that.  I asked James if there was anything he’d like to know about Peter, and James said how much does he shave.  I said 0; Peter said daily.  That wasn’t much of a question, so James said to scratch that and ask about SAT score: me with 1360, he with 12– and 16– (he took it twice).  Peter asked James.  James asked David about the worst thing he did.  James shared that it was the time he keyed a truck then stuffed pizza in the handle of it.  David asked Chris what’s one flaw of his and what he will do to change it.  First David said that he mumbles sometimes so he has to talk clearer, and Hannah was nice and complimented on his good gesture use.  Chris then copied David and said that sometimes he mumbles, too.  Then Linton exclaimed that what Chris really needs to work on is his vulnerability, and we all agreed.  “Man…haters.”  Chris then asked Hannah about her favorite time in college.  Chris said it was his second semester of freshman year.  Hannah said it was the times she went with Jennifer Yu and Matt Lee to the Union to read the newspaper and simply talk and chill.  I got home at 3 am.

I caught the last 2 of 4 hours (see below) of Pangea Day (thanks, Hannah, for figuring out our time zone’s period: 1-5 pm).  Pangea Day is really a wish come true for founder Jehane Noujaim, who won the 2006 TED Award.  You can watch the rest on the site.

Segment 07:  Us/Them  (continuation)

• Film: Stille Post (Telephone Game), directed by Oliver Rauch.  Children pass a secret message along in a familiar childhood game — but their classmate doesn’t realize the message is at his expense.
• Film: Operation Homecoming: Road Work, directed by Richard E. Robbins.  “War is a passage — whether you live or you die.”
• Iranian underground indie rockers Hypernova jam out.
• Film: Sili (The Slap).  A soldier, a young woman, a colonel, and an old woman board a train. Nobody, save one of them, can explain what happens next.
• We Feel Fine, by Jonathan Harris.  The artist and computer scientist makes online art that captures the world’s expression – to show off a world that resonates with shared emotions, concerns, problems, triumphs, and troubles.  “Whether you’re a billionaire or a refugee, a prisoner or a president, you have feelings,” Harris says. And his website “harvests” feelings from the Web. A sample of how people are feeling right now: “I feel like a hack… I feel I could be doing more… I just want to feel alive for the first time in my life… I feel so much of my Dad in me–that there isn’t room for me.”
• Film: Meninos (Boys), directed by Ernesto Molinero.  Boys in a Brazilian school deal with the daily trials of childhood — and emerge better friends.

Segment 08: Fear

• What are your fears?
• Ishmael Beah.  A former child soldier speaks out on violence and healing.  A simple life was transformed by violence when Ishmael Beah was recruited, at age 13, to fight as a child soldier.
  “We have a repsonbility to expose ourselves to our world, to see our common humanity, tolearn about other people — not only in times of war, but in times of peace.”
• Film: Inja (Dog), directed by Steve Pasvolsky.  In South Africa, a long-brutalized dog comes between a white landowner and his young black farmhand.

Segment 09: Anger

• What makes you angry?
• Rwandan singer-songwriter Jean-Paul Samputu is a cultural ambassador — bringing traditional African singing, dancing and drumming, and a message of peace, hope and reconciliation, to the world.
• Eboo Patel on perceptions of race; overcoming bias, and stereotype.  William Stafford said, “If you don’t know the kind of person I am / and I don’t know the kind of person you are / a pattern that others made may prevail in the world.”  Patel says, “It’s time for a pattern of pluralism to prevail over the pattern of fear.”

Segment 10: Laughter

• What gives you joy and makes you laugh?
• Film: Laughter Club, by Neil Davenport.  People around the world are gathering in Laughter Clubs — to share one of the most profound human universals.
• A Global Laugh: Dr. Kataria leads the world in laughter, with actress Goldie Hawn.
• Soaring, heartfelt songs from Rokia Traore.  This Malian singer blends the traditions of her Bamana heritage with a modern singer-songwriter’s approach to music-making. Her smooth vocals mix with the soulful sounds of traditional instruments to create intoxicating music. 

Segment 11: Reconciliation

• Pangea Day founder Jehane Noujaim!
• H.M. Queen Noor of Jordan.  A message of unity; stories that span civilizations. 
• Film: Encounter Point, directed by Ronit Avni and Julia Bacha. 
• Bereaved Families Forum:  Robi Damelin and Ali Abu Awwad.  ““I lost my brother, I lived all my life in refugee camps, I gave up the vast majority of my dreams, but I have not lost my mind. The Jews are not my enemies. Your enemy is your fear.”
• Combatants for Peace, directed by Jehane Noujaim.  The film tells us stories of soldiers who gave up fighting when they realized they were fighting against civilians, and not against any kind of evil. Ex-combatants from both sides, Palestinians and Israelis, decided to fight for peace rather than fight for the cause of one of the sides. “We have to learn to use our pain for peace. We must put an end to this war. We have a partnership for peace. We need to live in peace.”
• Yonathan Shapira and Bassam Aramin take the stage in London — where, sadly, the words that Shapira had prepared for this day are overcome by tragic news.
• Music from Dave Stewart — with surprise guest Nadirah X.
• Karen Armstrong.  Live from London: a religious scholar with a message of tolerance and compassion.  This scholar and writer is a provocative, original thinker on the role of religion in the modern world.  She is leveraging her 2008 Ted Prize to build a Charter for Compassion, a UN-like forum where religious leaders can work together for peace.  “The human mission is to build a global community. All of us have to engage in it. We have to engage in the golden rule which applies to all religions….Every single one of the world’s major faiths believes that it is not sufficient to just extend your compassion to those in your own group; you must take it to out to others as well.”

Segment 12: Closing

• Film: L’Homme Sans Tete (The Man Without a Head), directed by Juan Solanas.  The man without a head will meet his true love tonight. For this occasion, he shall buy a head.
• Join the Global Drumbeat 

I went to WaMu to set up an account with them (they’re so much better, with FREE online bill pay, etc.) so that I could start paying back my UTEP Perkins Loan.  For dinner I met up with Christina Tam at Japaneiro.  She told me how some of the teachers, since the principal decided to retire after about 9 years, serenaded him with “Wind Beneath My Wings” LOL.  Afterwards we took a walk around Sugar Land Town Center then headed off to Bible study.  By the end of the night, Branden, Jeffy, Howard Chiu, Jason Chow, Joe Chen, DeHorne, Janet Poon, Charlene Tanhehco, Elizabeth Wong (with her freshly cut hair), and Jamie Fong were there.  Jessie Tan and her boyfriend (who’s name I currently forgot) brought shrimp chips and the Good Humor Ice Cream Variety Pack (drumsticks, ice cream sandwiches, and bars - interesting that it says “not a low fat food” but then the front says “50% less fat from regular ice cream”).  I ate the sundae cone and the sandwich, yum!  My cellphone fell out of my back pocket onto the sofa so Daniel Shen brought it back to my house.  Andrew Fong led the study, following Rick Warren’s guide on James:

How to Profit from your Problems

CONNECT:  Why are you here [at Bible study]?  To be encouraged, to be held accountable in weekly study of the Word, to better our “technique” in studying the Word, to grow - in community.

GROW

• “James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ.”  James didn’t brag that he was the half-brother (son of Mary and Joseph) of Jesus but instead emphasized that he was a disciple same as everyone else.
• Problems: 
  (1) inevitable (it’s “when” not “if”), 
  (2) unpredictable (”face/fall into”, suddenly), and
  (3) variable (”many kinds”, in duration, in shades of colors), and (4) purposeful (”develops”, produces).
• Purposes: 
  (1) purifies my faith (”Women are like teabags. We don’t know our true strength until we are in hot water!” Eleanor Roosevelt),
  (2) fortifies my patience (endurance, staying power), and
  (3) sanctifies my character (mature, like Jesus) through the Word and through life circumstances.
• Handling: 
  (1) rejoice in (not “for”) the problems (not masochism, not divorce from reality, not martyr complex, I Thessalonians 5:16-18) because “we know“,
  (2) request/pray for wisdom to learn (otherwise God’s going to send us on another “desert lap”), and
  (3) relax (verse 6)
• Why does Jesus ask us to consider it pure joy when we face trials?  It’s inevitable, so you might as well make it a choice to be joyful in them rather than miserable in them.  Do not deny but seek joy in God, knowing He has a purpose/plan and is in control.  Trials is the first step in the process, pressing on towards maturity/completion/perfectism/prize.  Pure joy can’t be marred by circumstances.  I Peter 5:10-11 says we He will restore us and we will bring Him glory.
• In handling problems, which of the three is hardest for you?  Relaxing is hard because we are wired with a f(l)ight mechanism, our instinct is to do something about it.  Rejoicing is hard because circumstances are hard and it’s hard to see beyond that.  “It Is Well with My Soul“
• What does James tell us to do when we find ourselves in circumstances that don’t make sense?  If we don’t know what to do, we lack wisdom, so ask - for wisdom.  He will not punish us for asking.  We are not to be passive but to participate in His process.

SERVE

• Read II Corinthians 1:3-7.  How has difficulties in life prepared you in service to others?  Encourage another that s/he is not alone, not weird.  Maybe you’re going through something not for yourself only but also for another, someone who will be needing it even more.
• How has God comforted you?  And how has that been used to comfort another?  Even with a PVC, her surgery went well. 

SHARE with nonbelievers

• How can a life of problems open doors for evangelism?  They’re able to relate and know that Christians suffer problems the same as nonbelievers.  You can show them the other way of handling it, of using God’s wisdom.  The witness is in the approach, not “if” problems come. 
• In the five arenas (Family, Fun, Factory/Firm, Fellowship, and Friends), where can you start witnessing?

Last Monday, we had gone to the “park” (Brooks Lake) near Fluor for the first time.  We saw two guys with their truck fishing for catfish!  I also expressed my desire to be back for House, M.D., so I drove there, quickly walked to the end when it reached a road, then returned.  I didn’t drive particularly superfast, but we were right on time (even my dad was surprised).  It’s definitely closer (and quicker) than going to Oyster/Lost Creek Park.

Yesterday afternoon, my parents and I went a second time.  As we started, the wind was a higher chill factor than I anticipated, so I turned around and grabbed my jacket.  It’s also probably why there weren’t any mosquitoes as I had though (since it had rained earlier in the day and I tend to get bit, I sprayed repellant but my parents declined).  We went all the way to the end, where the trail ends.  We saw more people this time (a guy on a bike, another guy on a bike with a dog, a woman with a dog.  We also saw a large black vulture-like (to me haha) bird picking at something in the water at the edge of the lake.  At first I just thought it was cloth or plastic (i.e. litter).  On approach, I saw scales and fins.  Uh, I think it was a catfish, although I never saw the head, which is was made me feel on edge.  There were two families of ducks: one mom with nine teenage ducks and another with six elementary-age ducks.  I went to check out the cross with many Bible verses on it (I Corinthians 9:19, 22-23; I Peter 3:15; II Corinthians 5:11; Colossians 4:2-6; John 3:16; John 14:6; Matthew 5:16; I Peter 4:8; II John 1:6; Matthew 28:18-21; Psalm 139:17-18; Zephaniah 3:17; II Chronicles 16:9; Jeremiah 29:11-13; Ephesians 5:1-2; Acts 2:42-47; Proverbs 27:17; and Acts 4:32-35).  Then we headed back. 

Mom wanted to go down Fluor Daniel, so we turned onto the bridge but then turned left (straight would take us into the engineering complex).  We passed some new gated communities, and Dad asked if I wanted to check out the Open House (they’ve done so before).  So I turned in (I always like to observe anything art-related, and that includes arthitecture and interior design).  This took another hour.  These houses are big (with arched large heavy wooden-looking doors like in castles) and fancy (one unfinished one even had a dome and inside balcony - the one that sort of reminds me of Romeo talking up to Juliet or Rapunzel having to let down her hair).  There’s not much outdoors space, though, for gardening or anything like that.  We only saw one sold (they already had two of their fancy sporty cars parked in the garage).  I took pictures.

We finally left for home (my mom was quite tired, and I have to admit I was winded) at 5 pm and ate leftovers (shiaw goo-goo’s family’s leftovers of tender beef chunks).  I watched The Big Bang Theory (I simply love how Sheldon talks - of course not as my S.O. and it would probably get old/frustrating as a friend after awhile that he just doesn’t see things like we do, and vice versa), House, M.D., and CSI while doing the Sudoku and Jumble (gave up and used my handy-dandy dictionary at the end) in the Houston Chronicle newspaper.  Then off I went to bed, hoping to get into the groove of a more regular sleep pattern (instead of insomnia up until 3 am).

This early evening, we just went walking in the neighborhood.  I had another hairdo today, haha.  It reminded me of in the past where they really stack the hair up high atop the head.  I didn’t spray bug repellant, and I paid for it around both my knees (I knew it, since the weather is nicer than yesterday’s).  We checked out some of the custom homes, went by Andrew’s (not mine) former piano teacher’s house, and made a stop at the playground.  My dad called it the “castle,” and I had forgotten about that old nickname.  When we were kids, the playground was actually made entirely of wood (except some parts that is typically metal, such as the chains on the swings and the handle and glider of the sliding mechanism).  Practically all parts were connected, save the sandbox in the middle of the area.  Oh, how I loved to crawl through the tunnels on the bottom! and go through all the arches and teeny one-person “rooms”.  I really liked the sliding mechanism, they had a practice-your-balance beam, and there were a lot more swings (that were accessible to us kids). 

Due to safety restrictions and precautions, now everything is made of plastic, and any metal is covered in plastic (which is a good thing, like on the swings).  The sandbox is still there, as well as the baseball field in the back (right next to the Dulles track, but with a fence of course), the sand volleyball court (not very well kept, though), and the pool (popular in the neighborhood).  Everything on the playground is much more open (I guess so guardians can see their child at all times - including slides that aren’t completely cylinders) but also with less options to have fun with.  There’s an area for toddlers, and then an area for older children.  The playground equipments take up much less space.  They do try to include all of the old things, like a tire swing (much smaller, doesn’t look like a real tire as much - I think they covered it with plastic for safety as well) and swings (thank goodness - although they are so high all three of us had trouble getting on and starting). 

As I watch and read more news (and television series related to law enforcement), my heart sinks at how dangerous this society seems to be getting.  I don’t know, since I never lived back then, but did we have to be so cautious in earlier years?  Or because of more awareness we are taking more steps, and thus we can’t assume better things from people (instead always suspicious of others).  And yet, we really can’t prevent everything, because we are going to become at least acquaintances with our coworkers, neighbors, and meet new people and thus assume trust and thus build a new relationships.  That’s the beauty of moving and meeting new people.  You’re trying to change for the better, and so the new people don’t know your old self and can forgive you a couple more times than your old acquaintances, or they won’t hold back due to an old grudge that is past its expiration.  Just rambling…no spectacular closing statement….

I was invited to lunch, which I thought would be a lot of people, but it turned out arriving at Yantze there was just Linton, Vickie, Chris, and Phoebe.  Which I like of course (since I prefer smaller groups).  As soon as I walked in Vickie exclaimed, “So cute!” LOL.  I had this half-length-tie-in-front purple clothing item that I had bought awhile back (maybe even a year ago?) but never wore in public (because it’s different for me) that I finally wore over a red tank top.  And I wore my plaid red cap.  Yeah, I look cute ;-P  I ate their leftovers (or rather, Phoebe’s leftovers, although I had eaten at home).  Linton went to take Phoebe back, so Chris went to Juicebox for a drink.  Vickie went there to change, and I ended up getting a parking space just as the two of them were finished.  Outside the place, Vickie bumped into Cindy? (from HCC?) so we said hello. 

Afterwards we went to play basketball (also with Linton and Laurie) at T. H. Rogers.  Vickie left for San Antonio, then Jeannette came.  I hear she’s a pretty good basketball player (on the team in middle school?), but she is also such a light-hearted person, playing around with me like sticking out her butt and waving like a maniac.  I can tell when everyone isn’t playing up to par around me (like the guys), but otherwise I’d be crushed, haha.  Linton had to leave around 5:30, so we ended then. 

I still went to football.  I pulled up just as Robert C got into his vehicle to leave.  I came up to Jesslyn and James talking.  I wasn’t sure if I was interrupting the couple, but I wasn’t about to go up to Nathan Kim and the other guys surrounding Wilson (they looked like a team going over plays).  I was lamenting on there not being any girls, but James pointed out that they were flying kites!  So I ran to join them.  The Hello Kitty one was a cinch to fly (but the winds were so strong to break off the string after awhile), but the butterfly wouldn’t go up at all.  James and Alison and I tried and tried and tried.  We thought maybe it was too heavy and took off some of the plastic rods.  We tried flying it upside down.  We tried all directions (the wind was flying all directions).  Finally we headed over the main field.  Lindi had bought a pack of bubbles, so we all took a bottle.  They were having trouble, but I just utilized the wind - ingenius ;-) hehe.  James ended up wrestling with Robert H, who ended up fixing our kite problem.  It was apparently assembled to in effect not utilize the wind (instead of buoying itself on the breeze).  Thanks!  Yay!

Afterwards, we headed to Boston Market for dinner again.  This time Alison, Lisa, Lindi, Robert, James, and I shared the chicken group combo deal.  The sides we chose were garlic mashed potatoes, vegetable casserole, greens in cream, cream corn, and other creamed items.  Discussion involved guys needing to take leadership, how us females need to respond (in one case you don’t want to say anything to the guy because then the guy will be nagged on and feel they have not made the decision even if the best gentlest encouragement was given), if we females need to wait/pray it out, etc.  And sometimes, James admitted, he just doesn’t want to do something so he should just say he doesn’t want to do it instead of giving excuses of too busy and things like that because at the end of the day it’s, he could’ve made time to do it if he really really wanted to.

Later, I joined the others at Robert C’s house.  There was already a group there playing poker.  Katie Chong was there reading/studying the lecture video on her laptop while playing.  Andrew, Wilson, and Chris Lu (who asked me to leave the door open as I was leaving because it was cool outside/hot inside) were also there.  Robert H came because he wanted to play Nertz (and Jeff Tang had expressed interest, because he was simply watching them play - since they were really betting, even if the money was nominal).  But first, we were like, where did James go?  So Robert and I headed upstairs into his room.  I said, “Let’s sing!” and I didn’t realize it but Robert sort of teased/imitated my hand gestures and then gave this “Um, ookay” face about my suggestion.  But the three of us really did end up singing the songs we sing in church while James played his keyboard.  At one point I thought, oh wait, is Robert C sleeping?  But James said that Robert has told him in the past that he doesn’t hear anything since right behind the wall is the bathroom and not the bed.  At times Robert Hwang and I would switch voices (I would sing low and he would sing high).  David Zhao came up to take a shower, and he commented that he thought there were more girls besides me, haha!  Katie asked if I could take her home, which I obliged, but then she changed her mind for some reason.  She was all sunburned because she hates the texture of sunscreen (reminds me of Nathan Kim).  We were all like, well, better than getting…skin cancer? 

And Mary said:
   “My soul glorifies the Lord 
    and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, 
 for he has been mindful
      of the humble state of his servant.
   From now on all generations will call me blessed, 
    for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
      holy is his name. 
 His mercy extends to those who fear him,
      from generation to generation. 
 He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
      he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts. 
 He has brought down rulers from their thrones
      but has lifted up the humble. 
 He has filled the hungry with good things
      but has sent the rich away empty. 
 He has helped his servant Israel,
      remembering to be merciful 
 to Abraham and his descendants forever,
      even as he said to our fathers.”
(”Mary’s Song” from Luke 1:46-55)

I had a work field trip today (honor code).  First, since they’re only open in the mornings on Wednesdays, I had my eye appointment with Dr. Tou at 9:30 am.  With a couple of hours to kill, I went to Home Depot.  My dad had originally asked me to get them for him but he changed his mind because he figured I wouldn’t have time.  Well, since I passed it while driving, I thought, why not.  Turns out they don’t have any toilet flappers at that specific Home Depot store.  Seems like the guy who helped me, “Chris,” and I had a little guy-girl thing going on because usually these guys who help don’t usually have such a huge smile on their face (unless he’s always like that, of course).  But both of us were all professional about it, and nothing was exchanged in concrete.  I guess things like that, it’s more for, making your day.  I stopped at Panera Bread to use a little bit of their wi-fi before heading off to my “field trip.”

You can find the history and background for Magnificat House in the links below.  They have a rule to be home by 9 pm.  They have enough staff to provide guidance but not enough for it to run without the consistent multiple input from members.  The house they are in is quite an old house–it even has servants steps from upstairs down to the kitchen for back in the day when they are to stay out of sight as much as possible and to be readily available to quickly bring refreshments.  They have a sand volleyball court in the back, but it doesn’t seem to really be used.  They gave me a video to watch (about how this clubhouse model started, playing “Against Me” by Godspeed in the background), and a guy who had slight tongue thrust came in, sat in a chair, and started rocking back and forth.  It really is a clubhouse because you just come in and do whatever you want, hang and chill or do work, etc.

I met an African-American called Charles, a Hispanic called Steve, Father ? (at the end of the day, who led the evening Mass), Sister Agnes (an Asian Indian nun) and Sister Mary Jude (a Korean nun), and Ernie, to name a few.  Ernie, an HCC professor of transportation law, comes Tuesday nights from 4 to 5 pm to teach Bible study.  Sometimes he tries to solicit for donations to support the work of Magnificat House.  I was paired up for about an hour? with an ex-prisoner (this is his second time) for him to tell me about what they do out in the yard (horticulture’s quite a big factor here - I helped with flower arranging earlier).  However, he just came to Magnificat House a few weeks ago, so he couldn’t tell me much compared to sharing his own life journey.  He was born in New York City but moved to Philadelphia, then went into the Navy.  He has lived in El Paso before, but his heart is really in Philadelphia.  When I said I was born in Pottstown, he reacted as if he found a kindred spirit :-)  He mentioned Reggie Theus, but I’m not sure what he was saying about him.  He showed me a picture of his girlfriend who broke up with him due to the incident that involved him in prison; she’s the daughter of an Austin minister and is 62 years old.  I was told one of the Sisters is actually an OTR