I like you

…but I’m not going to date you right now.”  Why guys prematurely declare their love and then don’t make a move.  Or, why guys ask the girl out but then end it fast.  Secrets revealed:

• I am not ready.  I have other things I want to focus on before I commit.
• You have a boyfriend.
• Um, you have a boyfriend….
• I’m also interested in another girl who I may be more attracted to….
• I’m too immature.
• I just had to say it but didn’t think it through.
• I don’t think I’m good enough for you.
• There are some things I don’t like about you (e.g. smoking).
• I’m drunk.
• I’m still not over my ex.
• I can’t see myself being with you for the rest of my life.

“Jerk.”

Tom Lin

http://www.tomandnancylin.com/bio/

Risk-Taking: Holy Investment Challenge
Luke 19:12-27
targeted to college and career

Doing risky business with

1. Our opportunity to be students
             Those who go off to college often find themselves in a different life stage than the rest of us who are workin, building marriages, and raising children.  They have the opportunities to build close friendships (how many say their life friends were made in college), study academics with vast resources around them, to talk late into the night.  Examples of those who have taken advantage of this include a trash outreach in one of the biggest dorms in the nation.  “We are Christians who just wanted to serve in a small way.  Would you like us to take out your trash?”  Some wanted to pay them, others gave them even more trash, but by the end of the night four joined them to see what they were about.
2. Our money and possessions
             John Ortberg wrote a book titled When the Game Is Over It All Goes Back in the Box.  What do you win that you get to keep?  We need to invest what we have before it all goes back into the box, before we leave this earth, before the Master returns.  A college friend of the speaker’s barely had enough to pay rent.  But whenever JP would come upon some cash he would immediately celebrate by spending it with a friend.  He’d want to play tennis with the speaker so JP would use the money to buy a racquet.  He bought a television set for his roommate.  He’d give (not sell back) his books to incoming students.  And sure enough, there would always be enough by the end of the month.  A couple in their thirties wrote the speaker a $10,000 check because they believed God’s work through his ministry and wanted to invest in that.  A group in Harvard donated $20 each and then used that combined amount to serve their classmates on campus with free coffee during finals week.  The speaker himself, at his initial job, would hold a raffle at his desk to give away free stuff.  Coworkers would congregate around his desk and eventually they built personal bonds.
3. Our social networks
            Instead of sticking to the same subjects (e.g. weather, daily routine, television shows), we need to risk conversations.  The speaker said that one time the Spirit prompted him to ask his nonbelieving roommate about God.  “Anybody but him!  He’s my roommate!  I have to live with him!”  But eventually he finally asked, “What do you think about Jesus?”  “I’m glad you asked.  I was just thinking about the time I had this near-death experience in a car crash.  I told God if he saved me I would start seeking him.  I went to church for a little while but eventually stopped….”
4. Time
             We start out all the same, as the parable demonstrates.  Instead of imitating the attitude of the third servant, who knew the minas weren’t going to be his soon anyway and thus did not pay much attention to it, we need the attitude of Schlinder in Schlinder’s List.  At the end he still realized that he had not done all that he could have (e.g. his pin and car).  “Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire.”  Being trustworthy in a small matter, the first servant was given more.  The command is to invest (not to make as much as possible). 

What prevents us from risk taking?

• Fear (of the Master, of what others think, of failure, of a language barrier..).  ”Do not fear” is mentioned 366 times in the Bible, perhaps due to our cowardliness in investing what God’s given us?
• Asian adverseness for risk.  We recall what our parents tell us essentially: “We took those risks so you won’t have to.”  We’re encouraged to keep a low profile so as to not make waves. 

Pastor Dick asked what we thought of this idea:  He would give everyone in the congregation $5 (financial risk for the leaders) and ask us to give it to the kingdom in some way (social risk for us congregants).  Maybe we want to take someone out, maybe we could pool the money and do something bigger.

Middle of Nowhere: Mongolia 2002 - 2006
I Kings 19:1-19
targeted to the English congregation

Elijah’s Gobi Desert experience:

• Beersheba is a desert
• he left his servant behind
• he made an additional day’s journey deeper into the desert
• broom tree is only about ten feet high
• suicidal

Speaker’s desert experience

• sixth and eighteenth months were the hardest
• strained marriaged
• declared he’d buy plane tickets back to the States
• issues unresolved from the States were brought up in Mongolia

Our own dry isolation experience

• Quarterlife transition.  We moved away to attend college and miss the familiar community we had at home.  We’ve moved back and find everything different.
• Family transition.  We recently became engaged, married, had children….
• Tragedy.  A loved one is severely ill or has died.  No one understands.  We’ve experienced loss and disappointment.  “Where are You, God?”
• ‘Dry’ spiritual life.  The spiritual connection with God is not felt.

Four stages of desert life:

1. Stripping process.  Elijah, by leaving his servant behind, he was declaring that he quit his job of being a prophet for God.  There appeared to be external successes but he still felt like a failure inside.  There was the incredible demonstration by God on the altar and yet Jezebel is still unrepentant and wants him dead.  Victory after victory and yet there is still failure. 
2. Wrestling with God (v. 10).  We complain to God.  “I’ve done all this for You, and there’s nothing still.  It’s unfair!”  The critical decision comes down to this:  Do you give up on God, or go deeper with God?  Coming to this point is a given, but it is especially keenly felt among leaders.  The only question is WHEN (not if) this point will come.  Horeb, the mountain of God, is actually only a seven-days journey from Beersheba, yet it took Elijah the “long time” of forty days, probably because he was wandering and wrestling with God.  Note that though Elijah gave up, God did not give up on Elijah.  God helped Elijah continue to wrestle.
3. Intimacy with God.  “Angel” in the text means a messenger from God.  This can be a human being who is doing God’s work, or simply feeling the presence of God.  In other words, God doesn’t always come “supernaturally.”  Intimacy is God meeting us at a time of great need.  Sometimes you wonder if it was right that you moved, that you were supposed to be here.  The place where you are now is not a mistake but the very place where God has brought you to meet Him.  Elijah didn’t run away to Horeb; God brought Elijah to Horeb.  And then God asks, “What are you doing here?” (v. 9).  Why did God bring you here?
4. Transformation and release. 
   1. From self-seeking confidence to dependence on God and others.  In verse 14, Elijah speaks as if he is the only hope for God’s redemption of Israel.  For the speaker, he was doing pretty well in the States.  But in Mongolia, the children made fun of his since he couldn’t speak Mongolian.  It was quite clear that God would be doing the brunt of the work there.
   2. From being a lone ranger to a community participant.  We think we’re all alone, very unique, but we’re not. 
   3. From an old identity to a new identity.  Other Biblical examples include Moses and even Jesus.  Moses was a prince but had to go into the desert before returning as God’s prophet.  Jesus went into the desert for forty days and forty nights.
   4. Only then did God told Elijah what to do next.

Practical suggestions for going through the desert:

• Be honest.  This is so hard!  Especially for us, with our emotions.  We need to admit that we have an issue with God.  We need to bring our burning questions to God.
• Determine ahead of time to go deep with God.  Our temptation is to seek a thing, an action, another person to fill the loneliness and void.  That’s what the Israelites did by making the golden calf.
• Rest with the other 7,000 (v. 18).  If you don’t know who else is in a similar situation as you, maybe your pastor would know and bring you two together.  If you can’t discern God’s voice, ask another fellow believer to help you hear God’s Word and see why you are going through this desert.  Don’t wait; initiate.

Praise the Lord!

omg i’m going to cry:

Hello Friends,
 
I have an exciting praise. Yesterday, [my mom] told me she and my dad went to the church 4th of july weekend retreat (i think that was what it was). Anyways, at the retreat, she told me my dad finally accepted Christ into his heart and he wants to get baptized. I asked her if it was for real this time and she said it was. My dad voluntarily accepted Christ into his life. I asked my mom if it was for real is because a couple years ago, my dad had “accepted” Christ, just so he could get rid of the people that came to our house to evangelize to him. After they left, he went back to the way he was.
 
So, to me, this is wonderful news, to know that the man of our house is also a follower of Christ. Since moving to the U.S., throughout the years, [we] had learn to accept Him, but my dad never did. He wasn’t against us going to church, but he, himself, was against or more like didn’t trust the church, christians, and God. Having one parent who loves the Lord and another who does not was extremely difficult on our family growing up, but through the prayers and grace of God, our family endured and survived the hardships. This is another reminder to me about the power of prayer. I’ll admit, sometimes, I pray but I don’t think I really believe or trust in God that He is listening. Once again, He has proved me wrong.
 
So my sisters and brothers, I just wanted to share this good news with you guys and I guess let this be a source of encouragement to ya’ll about prayer. As a prayer request, I guess pray for my dad as he is learning what it means to be a “Christian”.
 
I hope all is well, and please continue to let me know what I can pray for you guys about. =)

“I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent” (Luke 15:7).

Daniel 11:35

I’ve been trying to incorporate more exercise into my daily routine in order to better focus on studying (and combat depression and be healthier overall).  I asked Lisa Leu (she lives about five minutes away) to run with me at the Dulles track (so as to prevent knee erosion) and today was our first time.  We met at Mamie George Branch Library so I could show her where to go.  When we arrived, there were a lot of African-American people (and some other ethnicities).  It appeared they were there for a race.  I wanted to turn back (can I blame social phobia?), but Lisa asked one of the men if we could use the track.  He was a jokester and teased us saying we could run many kilmeters.  Apparently they had just finished a race.  We walk a lap to warm up (and wait until everyone left) before stretching and starting our first lap jogging.  Nearing the end, Lisa asked to stop, but I said we could at least finish one lap.  Then we started walking.  And talking.  She is on HCC BASIC’s steering committee this year (along with Andrew, James, Jesslyn, and Robert).  A large part of our conversation turned to community and inclusivity.  I ask her about her past (she left Taiwan at the age of 12 to Virginia, then California, then Dallas, then Houston).  I ask her her testimony (she’s one of those “always believed” kind of gals), and she asked me mine.  She offered to pray for me regarding studying, taking, and passing my NBCOT exam.  

Oh yeah, and she’s also one of those gals who tend to be very..”girly” she describes herself, and…hopeful, trusting, steadfast in her faith.  In other words, very different from someone like me who more readily identifies with “Doubting” Thomas.  Not that it’s a bad thing of any of us, as long as by the end we all proclaim, “My Lord and my God!” (John 20:28).  She basically attributes anything to God, and after a few “explanations” to her I found myself saying “It was all God’s doing” and related statements.  I felt kind of funny about it because I’m not used to that (and was I also trying to “keep up” with her?), but also I think because a part of me really likes to suck the awe out of many phenomena.  Positively, to point out all the facts and then view it with a better understanding, for me it’s even more amazing on God’s part!

One of the things we talked about last last week was our experience(s) in dating.  Amidst the discussion, I was asked why I’ve only had one romantic relationship though I reported feeling comfortable around guys.  Up until maybe a few months ago, I’ve only been asked by guys who don’t believe in God (yes, my options are becoming better, just need to hold out a little longer, eh? lol).  Nonetheless, I think perhaps that is due to me being around hanging out with so many guys.  And deeper still, I’ve come to realize that I may be pretty closed off, not to guys (because I love guys) but to feelings in general:

friend:  i like the romanticism
me:  i’m turning around to it
friend:  you dont like it?
me: kinda cynical, i guess?
  or
  the other night we had dinner
  and i think “feelings” are very foreign to me
friend:  hm why do you think
  or… i mean, well youve dated before
  did you not have feelings then?
me: but then, i was all depressed
  so when ___ came along, i basically decided to throw myself into it
  regardless of the consequences
friend:  so whys it so foreign to think that you could feel the same way for another person
  you would rather not try at all than to try and risk getting heartbroken?
me: well, i wasn’t conciously doing it back then
  like, “amy, build wall so i won’t get heartbroken”
  but right now, i realize i really didn’t give “feelings” a fair chance in anything
friend:  lol
  well…feelings are fleeting
me: probably a big part of how i ended up becoming depressed
  yes, they are, but they have their rightful place
  and i wasn’t giving them the credit due them

This not only includes limerance but also anger, anxiety, sadness, disappointment, even happiness, amusement, you name it!  So much so that I don’t know how to handle them at all; I deny that I feel them.  Only recently have I accepted the challenge to process and put them into words.  You know how it is with the immigrant Asian parents (most of them that I know).  You try to ask them about their past, or how they’re feeling, and it’s like I’m talking alien.  So having copied that, and adding a good dose of my own tendencies, I’ve gone too far on the end of the spectrum.  Counseling was fail, so I took things into my own hands and am slowly figuring things out:  “As stress increases, ‘learned behavior’ tends to give way to the natural style, so the ISTP will behave more according to type when under greater stress, such as withdrawing from people, sorting out detailed points that could perhaps wait, and ignoring their feelings.  Under extreme stress, the ISTP’s shadow may appear, a negative form of ENFJ.  Example characteristics include displaying intense feelings towards others, insisting on things being done without any logical basis, being very sensitive to criticism, having a gloomy view of the future, and attributing unrealistic negative meaning to others’ actions or statements.” 

When I flew to New Jersey without telling anybody to see my first..boyfriend (haha, what a weird label), I was at one of my lowest points in my life.  After I confessed to my parents and friends, I still felt “not right.”  The entire time I tried to convince myself out of doing it, even with my fellow spiritual brothers and sisters’ help, but the truth that it didn’t work is because part of me would do it all over again, and that scares me.  Being so vulnerable at the time (and foolish, headstrong, and impulsive), let’s just say that if he wanted to have sex, he would’ve gotten in.  And oh my, the shame I would have to deal with!  I thank God every day that He didn’t let me put myself in the hands of someone who didn’t care about me, someone who could’ve taken full advantage of me.  I was pretty reckless, so I knew I’d be caught eventually, even though I think I felt bad for being caught (reputation?) and not for doing what I did (grieving God, my family, and my friends). 

I brought up my concern with my brother, who said, out of experience, that the remorse will come in due time.  I’m not sure what I was looking for, but I sure don’t look forward to that time, because who wants to feel guilty?  Even if it is godly (2 Corinthians 7:8-10), not many people I know wants to go through the fire to the purified part (Malachi 3:2-3).  But the part that wants to do it all over again is getting smaller and smaller.  And yes, my knowledge that I will reap the consequences of those actions in my marriage is growing because I did indeed “arouse or awaken love [before] it so desires” (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4).  Right now, I’m so glad that the way God let me fall forced me to be open with my close family and friends (interesting that some who are depressed only tell their families, and others only tell their friends) so I won’t have to go through trying to tiptoe around them until I break (again).  I hope I’ve learned the lesson well this time around so that there won’t be some even more drastic fall in the future for me!

Some of the wise will stumble, so that they may be refined, purified and made spotless until the time of the end, for it will still come at the appointed time.

Freedom

That’s the name of a guy I met tonight. My aunt took me along to a potluck at Sugar Land Chinese Baptist Church off of Cash Road. We were a bit late so half of the food was gone, but there was enough (there is always enough in God’s house, haha). She ushered me in to sit with the kids. They were either in middle or high school or just finished with high school. It’s considered a small church, and I was told that most people my age see the paucity of a social life and thus attend FBCC instead.  Freedom was a very friendly guy, trying to make us newcomers feel welcome. Most of the regulars all spoke fluent Chinese.  The other “newcomers” were a girl in her senior year of high school and her two younger brothers, Abraham and..forgot. They recently (like a week ago?) moved here from Brazil (”from the Amazon”) so they speak Portuguese fluently, then English, and barely any Mandarin (their heritage is Chinese). She says she used to be in school in California, then went to Florida, then returned to her family in Brazil and settled into a Christian school but now she’s a bit irked since her family moved up here to Texas. She’s thinking her prospects of getting into a good college are now very slim, but she says she’s trusting God that this is in His plan, though she admits it’s hard for her to trust God in that.  

To celebrate Father’s Day, after dinner, they had the fathers and their children play games in the open area.  They played a game where something is stuck to their foreheads and everyone tries to get the others to do/say what is on their forehead (and thus lose).  For example, a boy had “you’re welcome” on his forehead so people would say thank you to him to hopefully prompt him to say that.  Freedom actually had “clap hands” on his forehead and so, without anyone trying to get him to do it, he inadvertently clapped his hands when someone performed well, and thus he got a new card on his forehead, haha.  My aunt cooked up some black soy bean drink to share with a friend of hers who has a little daughter and an older son (who attends the Chinese school at FBCC). The younger children played rock band in the back room; so funny with the little drum set and guitars.

Afterwards, Linton informed me that Melvin was at his house and asked if I’d like to join them.  Phoebe and Chris were already there as well when I arrived around 9:30 pm.  Melvin just caught us up with his life, about trading his dream car that his dad got him for a Fit for its fuel efficiency and hatchback usability, how he came down to ask Pei-Jean’s parents for her hand in marriage (when did Vickie and I talk about this with Jacky and Nathan Kim and Linton around?), how he’s getting ready to get his Master’s degree in teaching (for the sole purpose of a pay raise because otherwise he’s heard it’s useless), Pei-Jean’s job at CDC re: MRSA, the possibilty of finding a new school in Atlanta, GA, etc.  James showed up with his stinky tofu, then Peter, then Hannah came quite later.  Melvin then went around the room asking how we’ve been.  Chris says he hates his job, Linton says his job is okay and he’s thinking of getting a Master’s in the near future (e.g. business, engineering, or something else), I told him I just finished school and will be taking the licensing exam soon, and Phoebe talked about her social work academia.  Melvin showed us his LED flashlight, we reminisced on Melvin’s Facebook profile picture, and Melvin taught Phoebe how to work the Rubix cube.  Bubba that Phoebe bought from Hong Kong was splatted onto the ceiling that it looked like it was coming down through it!  It was also hilarious because they moved it and then later on Linton pointed it out to Phoebe, saying that it had moved by itself.  James took a group picture of us (haha, with Peter in it), then left (after we admired Melvin’s new car).  The rest of us played Loaded Questions:

• What is most important to you in a relationship: looks, humor, personality, or mutual interests? (By the way, it’s mutual interests with an “s”, so it doesn’t mean liking each other back or financial holdings hahaha.) Hannah, James, and Chris said personality, Linton said mutual interests, and Peter said humor.
• What would a tough guy never do? James said strip, Peter said cry, Chris said back off, Hannah said say “aw”, and Linton said pass up an opportunity to protect another.
• What is your most feminine quality? Peter likes Princess Bride, James is emotional, Chris has many shoes, Linton is needy, and Hannah has a motherly instinct

Afterwards they planned on going to IHOP (they ended up buying pancake mix instead), but I left for home.  Remember when I said that it was getting a little easier to say “yes” to the better over the good? Well, I am highly gullible prideful. I used to think I was a good listener, and then I gradually admitted I wasn’t all that with that skill, such as actively responding and gently prodding. Then I thought, well, at least I know I’m patient, and that was obviously not true as I found myself with a short fuse, holding things in, and taking things into my own hands when things weren’t going to turn out exactly as I wanted it to look. I never outright thought I was humble, but I thought of myself many times self-righteously superior in others, and hahahahahaha heh, that is the original sin. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself (Galatians 6:3). Actually, during Loaded Questions, one of the other people asked what is it that you don’t like to share with others (a question to that effect).  After awhile, I scribbled something about not talking about my weaknesses.  I definitely tricked myself so much, I can’t even tell anything anymore. It’s so ironic that back in the day when my classmates were incredulous about the heinous acts during the Holocaust, I spoke up and said that I knew that if I were in their place, I woudln’t be surprised if I acted in that way, either.  It would be horrendous, but not surprising.  Indeed, I am really nothing, or rather, being “found in him,” I do not have “a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—-the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith” (Philippians 3:9).  So the irony is that this previous prideful attitude actually prevents one from truly reaching the level of holiness where one thinks s/he is at.

So, I knew that it was late but wanted to finish the game (around 2 am).  I figured my mom would probably have called, but I rationalized that if I didn’t look at my cell phone, then maybe she had fallen asleep and didn’t even know I was still out.  Turns out, as I was driving out back towards the house, she had just turned into Linton’s neighborhood to get me.  In fact, she saw me turn left onto Avenue E and was in such a frantic rush to follow me that she almost got into a car accident (didn’t bother to check to see the car coming from her right) and revved up to 70 mph to follow behind me (this is a woman who normally drives 50 mph on the freeway when you can go 70).  I was wondering who was following me, hah (I actually made an extra loop to “lose” my pursuant in case, even though I didn’t know what “they” would want of me).  Then I went straight to my room.  My mom politely came in and asked me to tell her next time.  I said, “Yeah.”  Then I went to bed.  Thoughts whirled through my head, a debate really.  So I finally got out of bed, went to my mom, and apologized.  She asked if I heard her calls.  I said my cell was on silent, and was going to leave it at that, but realized that it was another excuse on my part, and added, “but I should have called you.”  My mom, as always, as a mom is, nicely accepted and forgave, and we went to sleep.

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives (1 John 1:5-10).

“My wife’s pain is my pain.”  I realize that I am the one who causes the most grief in this family.  My brother is respectful of my parents and calls them whenever he is (or we are) out when he visits from out of town.  Before he moved out, he helped wash the dishes without asking.  Now that he has, he thinks fondly of my parents and buys them gifts that are useful for certain special days.  He tells me about his relationships (or lack thereof), and I’m like, whatever.  Plus, I…do nothing for my parents.  Or rather, I do..worse for them.  If I cannot honor my parents now, I will not be able to submit to my husband in the future, and especially not to the Most High God. I know it sounds cliche, but it’s so true that the more one turns towards God, the more one knows God is, well, GOD, and that you are the dust of the earth, and the only thing fitting after finding this out is to give Him praise.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:12-14).

Freedom.  What a name.  What a promise.

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free (John 8:32).

Amen.

Argot

• allegiance–the loyalty of a citizen to his or her liege, in this case, Christ.  Pledging to any other is treason.
• alter call–an evangelist preacher’s invitation at the end of the sermon, asking people to come forward to acknowledge a commitment to living an alternative culture (see culture).
• detergent church–a church whose sole purpose is to purge the skid marks sin has left on man’s soul and our society.
• follower–a believer who demonstrates support and allegiance to a person, a doctrine, a cause, with implications of a personal relationship, acquiescence and active championship.
• chicken poop for the soul–Christian clutter in our storage spaces and in our souls.
• culture–the behaviors and beliefs characteristic of a particular religion or sect often considered to be extremist or unorthodox, with members living outside of conventional society under the direction of their Leader, Jesus Christ.
• evangelist–from the Greek evangelion meaning “bringer of Good News” that there is another kingdom, another economy, another leader who is the Savior.
• faith–from the Greek pistis for “duty for fulfilling one’s trust”(Matthew 19:14, Isaiah 11:6d), loyalty.
• false profits–false prophets
• Jubilee-redistribution, release and rest, as in redistribution of wealth, a release from any bondage that holds individuals captive, and a rest and freedom from work.
• rebelution–a cross between rebellion and revolution, an uprising against social norms of apathty and indifference, a rebellion against rebellion.
• spiritual midwife–a person trained to aid another in producing something spiritually new and different with God.
• orthodoxy–belief, practice, and character conforming to the Christian faith as represented in the creeds of the early church.  Further known as orthopraxis.
• politics–from the Greek polis meaning “city, civil, citizen, civic, to be a society of people.”  This new city is the New Jerusalem.
• practicing resurrection–to follow, observe, exercise, train, perform, and pursue habitually or customarily the kingdom we are to “incarnate now,” the one that is “within us,” “among us,” and “at hand,” “on earth as it is in heaven.”
• prophetic imagination–coined by Walter Brueggemann, this refers to the faculty of imagining, or of forming mental images or concepts, of what is not actually currently present but can be consistent with reality in order to face and resolve difficulties, the opposite of which is redemptive violence (see below).  Arsenal may include the elements of laughter, surprise, and humor due to their “disarming” quality (Colossians 2:15).
• radical–from the Latin rood radix for root, the root for discovering what it means to be Christian disciples.
• redemptive violence–an unjust or unwarranted exertion of force or power, as against rights, laws, and beings.  The damage done by this intense revenge communicates that some are beyond redemption, such as with the death penalty.  Example: ”the government that had trained McVeigh to kill, killed him, to teach the rest of us that it is wrong to kill.”  Please see prophetic imagination above (”violence is for those who have lost their imagination”).
• spiritual bulimia–a habitual disturbance in consumption behavior linked to identity and image.  It is characterized by frequent episodes of grossly excessive intake of Christian industrial products followed by self-induced vomiting to avert appearing unspiritual.  Inadvertently, the consumer experiences malnourishment from never properly digesting “our daily bread.”
• spiritual leprosy–a chronic, infectious disease characterized by numbness and loss of feeling for others.
• spiritual masturbation–the stimulation or manipulation of one’s own faith in order to be emotionally charged but never give birth to anything.
• totemisim–coined by Emile Durkheim, the human tendency to form our conception of God in our own image
• vocation–from the same root as voice, a strong impulse, inclination, and calling to follow God’s service, function, and station within the Christian station of life.

List: Books

I’ve been pretty ravenous about media consumption this past week.  Monday I watched The Day the Earth Stood Still (directed by Robert Wise) from Elliot.  I finished A Wrinkle in Time on Thursday (after reading a few pages to start me off the day before from waiting at Walmart while my dad switched out his bicycle).  It was my first time reading it, and it wasn’t too bad at all (my caveat was that Meg annoyed me:  “Just shut up already!” was what I was thinking haha).  Yesterday I watched His Girl Friday (suggested by/borrowed from Elliot) with Hannah.  It’s not your typical romantic comedy (1940).  Charm (Cary Grant) really does win girls over, even when we know it involves all that trickery.  But the way they showed it, of course, made it feel like harmless fun and teasing.  Sometimes you gotta watch out for those old movies.  Yesterday I also ended up typing up an inventory of my books.  A bookshelf really reveals the interests and life of another, or at least I found that it does me. 

This morning, Hannah invited me to the monthly booksale put on by the First Colony Library: $1 hardbacks and $0.50 paperbacks unless otherwise priced.  I ended up with a bunch of books in my arms, including The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron.  I’ve started it and I think I like it better than The Introvert Advantage by Marti Laney.  It’s not books that are, omg! that I would go around raving.  But, they are right for me at this point in my life.  I was pretty beat up in El Paso–what with the Mexican culture, the predominating extroverts loving bars (which I hate)–definitely feeling out of sorts.  So I guess this week I’ve just non-planningly been doing the things I enjoy: books, movies, stories, art, and spirituality.  I’ve said before that I think that I’ve never felt angry towards God (not only because I probably deny and trick myself) because I’ve never really felt close to Him (even though I’ve always known, and it’s obvious looking around, that He definitely hasn’t abandoned me but instead has continued to bless).  But I’m pretty content right now.  I really wish I could impart to you just how satisfied I feel this instance.  I’m enjoying the moment.  “So happy.”

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

Princess Nausicaa

Friday.  Christina Tam and I met at Borders so we could carpool to watch Slant.  Craig Wen and Brian Thao-Huane were there, too.  I skipped out on FBCC’s monthly social: Iron Chef!  The secret ingredient was mango, and I heard the results were better than expected.  Jacky called at around 9pm to ask if I could watch their belongings while they did a run the next morning.  Uh..sure….

Saturday.  Christina and I again met at Borders to carpool to Jacky’s apartment, where Ted drove us four to be at Minute Maid Park at 7am.  They prepared, clipping on their running numbers, drinking water in the small cups being passed out, and stretching amongst the air “people” that would occasionally hit us (the way the air was blown and all).  We saw a man on stilts pretend he was a super-tall person, making balloon animals.  The girl and guy bunny suits wearing Astros attire came around to take pictures with the kids and whoever else wanted.  I’ve never participated in this sort of thing, so Jacky explained how it worked.  He paid $25 to participate, but they would get two free Astros tickets with an option of choosing from four games in the future (June 10, 11, 24, and/or 25).  They give you a timer that will start as soon as you step onto their carpet they have at the starting line and would stop when you step on the carpet at the finish line.  Some runs ask you to return the trakcer/timer, but this time they said the runners/walkers could keep it.  This is Ted’s first time, and afterwards he looked pretty winded (was it his knee, since he had a brace on? didn’t ask).  Jacky ran ahead.  Denver stayed with Ted. 

Christina needed coffee, so we walked around downtown.  We saw the “oasis” in front of Christ Church Cathedral–Christina couldn’t believe such a nice place in the middle of downtown.  She said she’d still feel unsafe walking around by herself, if I wasn’t with her.  I also saw some people waiting outside the Urban League.  We finally found this free-standing building all by itself on one side of the street to be Starbucks (good thing we used the map that the city provides atop the sidewalk, thank you Houston!).  At 8am, I bought her a drink (a grande mmchip frapp for $4.50), then we rested for a few minutes (she was carrying her papers to be graded in a backpack, then she volunteered to also carry Jacky’s, Ted’s, and my belongings–heavy!).  We headed back, realizing the run had pretty much ended (that was fast).  We had to walk all the way around since the doors were locked.  When we entered, a wave of stench (sweat and gym) hit my nose (never liked that smell).  Denver saw us, and Jacky encouraged us to get some food (he had his shirt off–not that it was attractive because I barely glanced, but that always makes me feel uncomfortable for some reason).  I stood in line for some lettuce wrap with meat on top (reminds me of that Chinese dish).  Jacky said there were also kolaches, so I stood in line for that.  They lady said, “Ham and cheese?”  Sure.  “Two?”  Sure….  JT said hi, and I think his girlfriend is Heidi.  She looks really familiar but I don’t know why.  Khon-Whey Tay was there with his two friends (they’re a couple of..Asian Indian descent?).  I wanted some fruit and found a pear within the tubs of water/ice/water bottles.  Was it supposed to be there?  I put it back, unsure of it’s cleanliness.  Later, after seeing many runners carrying fruit,  I realized I could use the water from the bottled water to clean it, but the pear was not there anymore.  Ah well.

I was so incredibly tired, even though I didn’t even participate, but since I wanted to have a somewhat normal sleeping pattern, I was determined to stay awake and not take a nap.  Christina and I went to Lowe’s to check out movies and their times.  Nothing particularly interested both of us, so we went to Fuddruckers at 11am.  By the time we arrived at her apartment, we would’ve completely missed the beginning of the movies we were debating on (sure bad at estimating time huh?).  We watched Stardust on her computer while eating lunch (I ate the big dog with chili and cheese while got the burger/fries/shake combo).  Phoebe called to watch the new Narnia movie.  So Christina quickly reviewed through the first Narnia movie on her computer, supplementing with verbal summarizations.  Then I browsed her books (she’s an English teacher at Kempner).  I asked about Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf.  She has no idea why the play references that; she was famous in the literary world and the title is a play on “who’s afraid of the big bad wolf?”  She took a nap while I looked Woolf up: “Dreadnought Hoax was a practical joke pulled in 1910 by Horace de Vere Cole and five friends, including Virginia Stephen (later Virginia Woolf)…Modern diagnostic techniques have led to a posthumous diagnosis of bipolar disorder…The ethos of Bloomsbury discouraged sexual exclusivity, and in 1922, Woolf met Vita Sackville-West.”  She committed suicide.

Christina suddenly got up and realized that it was time to go.  Good going, Christina.  She, Phoebe, Linton, Hannah, Tina, James, Jonathan, and I watched Prince Caspian at 4:30pm at Lowe’s (barely missed the matinee price for movies before 4pm on Saturdays).  Christina left because she was pretty wiped out.  Chris was at work.  I joined them (and Ariel came, too) at Avalon Diner for dinner at 9pm.  I got the turkey/avocado omelette for $10.  They ran out of the recommended-by-the-waitress dish of steak and eggs.  Hannah’s order was right, but James and Jonathan’s dishes were a bit mismatched–Jonathan wasn’t bothered much, just got the pork version.  The main question discussed for the evening was, “If you didn’t believe in Jesus, what religious would you follow?”  Here’s the breakdown: Phoebe said Unitarian Universalism (or Ba’hai or whichever incorporates getting along with all religions, obviously none of us know much), Linton said Mormonism (he arrived back today from Utah for business), and I think the rest of them said atheism (or James said burning incense to ancestors).  I said atheism/agnosticism.

We walked to Borders and sat for a bit (Hannah checked to see if there were any sales).  Then Tina jumped on another’s suggestion to walk to the water, “Yes, Tina needs to walk.”  The girls chatted about clothing (I think Ariel’s going to a wedding), then Tina suggested we get ice cream since Hannah regretted not ordering a shake.  Cold Stone Creamery was near Lowe’s, so we spanned the entire complex I guess.  James is always asking if something is junk food or not, or making explanations that it isn’t junk food.  Yeah….  “Not today” says Jonathan, since he got some.  Hannah got coffee with heath (yum).  Hannah mentioned a quarterlife crisis, which James somewhat related.  Linton says he hasn’t reached there yet, that he is still on the way up/forward to something.  LOL, it was funny how James said that he loved it when he resigned.  I got home at midnight and crashed.

Sunday.  Charles and I drove to Elliot’s house, where the three of us met up to carpool.  (Elliot couldn’t convince Ed to come, and so Pepsi didn’t come either.)  Charles drove us to pick up Henry from his apartment then headed to Jack In the Box at 1212 for lunch.  I ordered four grilled chicken strips for $4.64 (felt like a ripoff).  Then we got to MFAH at 1pm.  We browsed around until 1:30, when they started seating us to watch Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind.  The guys talked about having dirt on each other (and Ed Ly) and using it against each other, revealing it, etc.  We looked at the pamphlet they gave out for this Target Free Sunday (comparing the pictures of plants to their names).  Christina suddenly appeared and sat to my right right when the lights dimmed at 2pm.  I liked the movie because she was really going for understanding.  And she was amazing in all her abilities, as Lord Yupa already professed at the beginning of the movie.  Indeed, “What are you so afraid of?”  A lot of violence is borne out of fear of “the other.”  Henry says she should’ve died (there were Christian undertones), but Elliot said, “No, she has to live, so I can marry her” LOL!  Hey, she’s like Rocky and Gandhi put together, as Dave would say it, haha!  Who wouldn’t find her attractive?

Afterwards we went around to the exhibits (Pompeii wasn’t free).  Elliot teased Henry when he tried to explain one of the drawings on the wall, that the explanation didn’t exactly match what was written on the author plaque.  One artist painted Egypt abstractly (I don’t ever get it, so they make me annoyed).  We spent quite some time in the Korean exhibits.  Henry said he really liked the small wall-mounted plaque statue of the elephant in the other Asian exhibit.  Lastly, we observed the poles that important people carry/use.  Each had something on the top, so there were explanations.  Elliot really liked the one that went like, “Holding a kingdom is like holding an egg; hold it too hard and it’s crushed, hold it too loose and it will fall and break.”  Henry said he liked the quote that went something like, “A crab doesn’t give birth to a bird.”  The one that got me thinking was, “The hen knows it is dawn but lets the rooster crow.”  Christina found it to be anti-feminist.  Jacky called, so I called Wilson about football.  We sat around discussing the next step (board game?  buy Ziggity?  eat?).  Christina suggested we eat, Elliot of course suggested Fuddruckers (to which Christina got all excited about), Henry suggested Niko-Niko’s, and Charles jumped on that and made the decisive push to leave (5:30 pm).  I got the Hercules Plate.  Then we all left for home.  Charles stayed with Elliot to help him with his Microsoft Word.  I end up napping from 7:30 until 9 pm (sigh, so much for trying to stay up until nighttime).  Lil goo-goo took the trash out and left for her workplace.  I watched Dead Like Me because it was the only thing on and then went back to bed.

Lost

Not the television series season finale tonight.  That’s just how I describe how I’ve been feeling for quite some time.  And that’s what I’ve been telling people.  Like I wrote in an email three weeks ago when asked for a prayer request:  “On a personal note, I still feel lost, but it’s not this big suffocating weight and desperation, and I don’t really think it’s a bad thing either.  Still, I think what was said at Bible study was right on target, I really don’t even know what to specify except that I really haven’t touched that Bible in forever.  I used to read it every day.  So that is a step.  But just everything is on my mind really, like counseling and church and career and stuff….”  Before, it was this feeling of desolation that would be the catalyst of a stampede of thoughts that no one cares (e.g. second-guessing my friends and family, perceiving past gatherings from under the shadow of a dark cloak).  Just as Phoebe knows her fear of the stage is irrational, I know these thoughts are irrational, but it still doesn’t much help with untangling that knot during the deer-in-headlights moment.  Depression is irrational!  Or is it?  I remember Hannah made a comment after watching Lifting the Veil, saying she somewhat believes that some who have depression are more in tune with reality than us “normal” people because we “ignore” the atrocities and stick with an “illusion” of rosiness in order to not go “crazy.”

“Keep Breathing”
by Ingrid Michaelson

The storm is coming but I don’t mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that i know is I’m breathing now.

I want to change the world…instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I’m breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that I know is I’m breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

Anyway, I guess this is as good a time as any to at least sort a smidgen in my mind/heart/spirit:

COMMUNITY
Genesis 35:11

Last Thursday I drove my parents to Austin to pay a last visit before my brother left for one week (to visit his former roommate), to give him his luggage (so he can pack), and to clean out his fridge (because he can leave food on the stove and not ever eat or clean it out).  My brother and I are very close.  We grew up with the same parents and familial history, in the same household, went to the same school for awhile, even were in the exact class and period for a class or two in high school (personal tutor, baby!).  We initially hung out with the majority of the same acquaintances (and lack thereof) and shared in the same struggles regarding church and friends and connectedness that we still discuss to this day, many times while in his room chatting up to the wee hours of the night/morn and our parents would come and say time to go to bed!  We are considerably different when you meet us, no doubt, as I am more like our mother and he is more like our father.  And in fact since high school we have led very different lives and rarely hang out or even talk with the same people, friends, or each other.  Nonetheless, during those occasional phone calls, I would say that I still feel close and  would still reveal much embarrassing/humbling/shameful things to him.

By the way, he had moved into a new apartment (from the urgings of his currently ex-girlfriend) and bought some furniture.  Where did they come from?  The famous Craigslist.  I have never been to the site, but many many people have made references to it.  From my understanding, it’s a virtual (that sometimes eventually leads to a physical) place where people can sell and exchange practically anything, from sofas and endtables to jobs, pets, and discussions.  It reminds me of Facebook and Myspace, two sites which Jennifer Garcia is part of and asked me if I was as well (I’m not, and actually most people in FBCC don’t have Facebook).  I’m not part of Craigslist, either, but is it something to BE a part of?  But those in Facebook and Myspace are still part of that network since they are still signed up in it, right?  Am I still part of Xanga if I decide I won’t write in it anymore (no activity), even if I have two blogs hosted on it?  You used to need an account to leave a comment, but now you don’t.  Do those who have never signed up part of Xanga if they leave a million comments on others’ Xanga blogs?  What does it mean to be part of a community?  What does it mean to be part of a church, and to be part of His Church?

FELLOWSHIP
Acts 2:42-47

I have been faithfully attending church services on Sundays since childhood.  But this past January, since I’ve always hated it (since middle school and El Paso, and even in Austin), I made a conscious decision to just stop going.  I made no effort to wake up earlier than usual, and even if I did, I didn’t even consider the possibility of perhaps attending.  Not until I figure out which church to attend regularly (do I want to stick with FBCC with its new chapter?), why I feel the way I do about it (is it the environment, the specific social situation?), and my reasons for going.  Three Sundays ago, I told Tiffany that though I haven’t really been communing with God lately, and though I have never ever exactly lauded FBCC, I have come to the conclusion to return to FBCC.  Now I have to dissect what that entails.

Regardless of its vagueness, it was a difficult decision.  Vickie is in San Antonio, so that’s why she says she continues to attend WHCC (her default).  However, she says that when she returns to a more permanent stay in Houston, she’ll move to Access, which is where Phoebe and Linton are fellowshiping now.  Access is starting out as a small but highly committed group.  When it grows in size, how will it look like?  Are people still going to connect?  To start off last fall, Pastor Ted asked his congregants to read The Celtic Way of Evangelism: How Christianity Can Reach the West…Again by George G. Hurton III.  In it, the key to evangelism is through understanding and living as a fellowship among the people, and in time they will open their hearts to the God who knows them.  The old Roman way was for people to believe before they can belong, while the new Celtic way is for you to belong and eventually believe.  In other words, the community and not an individual brings you to Christ.  In many ways, it’s easier to tell someone the Gospel than it is to take someone where s/he consistently experiences the Gospel.

How do we belong?  I sure feel like I belong to WHCC and HCC more than FBCC.  I know I am at fault for not terribly trying much, but even though I don’t really try, I get invited to their birthday parties, their holiday celebrations, and their event gatherings.  They even apologize profusely for forgetting to add me onto their list and making sure I am included next time.  On the flip side, I try the hardest with FBCC (but not my hardest in general) by calling and emailing them to contact me to hang out, and instead I’ve come to expect voicemail and oh yeah, this is what we’re doing right now, if you want to come.  Is it because at least one or two people keep track of me at WHCC and HCC, but no one does here at FBCC?  That could make all the difference.  Or is it that I expect more (and keep a record of wrongs?) because I have decided to be included at FBCC but I am nonchalant with whether I am invited to WHCC or HCC?  I remember back in January there was a slew of WHCC birthdays, and then in February there was a slew of FBCC birthdays.  Somehow, I ended up going to the WHCC ones but not the FBCC ones as much; I don’t remember now, but at the time was it due to scheduling conflicts or did I finally decide to attend the WHCC ones because I was more comfortable with them?  What does it mean to expect the worse but hope for the best?  How do you have high expectations but….? 

When I entered college, I checked out a handful of Christian gatherings.  I joined a small group that was part of the then-called Chinese Bible Study because it was the thing to do and everyone kept emphasizing them.  Our group fell apart,one by one, until it was just the Bible study leader, me, and this girl who was highly committed and hadn’t yet accepted Jesus.  I felt sorry, but that wasn’t going to cut it, so I left highly disappointed and joined CCC.  Later, I learned that one of the girls who wasn’t that much of a believer became good friends with Kara and eventually made an amazing transformation through His grace.  The thing is, though you can encourage group ownership, it sure can’t be forced.  Anyone knows nagging doesn’t work, although we find ourselves doing it.  Haven’t you noticed with some you just click instantly and with others you don’t?  Some people find you dull, while others find you exciting, or at least around them somehow you light up.  Even if you give all the time you can, with all the sincerity and effort, with both of you seeking, even if you lived near each other.  Reminds me of that girl from Chicago: we had an affinity towards each other so we’d decide to meet up and all, but anyone can tell from our conversations that somehow we just weren’t clicking.  Eventually we both decided without words to call it off.  She was a smart and pretty girl; I wonder where she is now after UT Austin pre-pharm classes.

Maybe we’re defining incorrectly.  Back in high school, I was elected to be the Science Club president, with a new teacher sponsor.  It bothered me that our definition of a member was someone who paid the fee.  There were those who were super dedicated, coming and helping at every single event, while others never showed up but they did pay the money.  I didn’t enjoy being president, so for me to keep everything running was as good as it was going to get, not trying to change their pre-existing system.  Magnificat has an application process but afterwards you’re in for life.  Even with years of hiatus you are always wlecome to come back and use the resources.  I met Annie Shen at an HCC gathering, and she says she hangs out with HCC, serves in her home Asian church, and then attends a more American (or African-American?) church on Sunday mornings.  Seems fragmented and yet, is that something I want to imitate?  In a way, her method demonstrates that we together are the Bride of Christ.  Vickie’s always running around hanging out with all these groups because we are all interconnected (actually, if left to my own devices, I really don’t care to make new friends). 

Indeed, it is impossible to know everyone, even within a single church building (”Abandon Committees, Skip Teams, and Embrace Communities” by George Bullard), so is there significance in “choosing” a church?  Are we to attend, serve, and gather within one?  What does the modern-day “fellowship of the believers” look like?  I think my problem would be choosing, because many times events have been booked for the same weekend.  Do I even it out?  Or instead, focus?  Still, I remember in the past when someone at FBCC needed a bone marrow transplant due to leukemia; the whole church gathered together.  We have also drawn together to fundraise for missions we support.  And the Chinese churches have gathered together for events as well (although it appears that FBCC does that less than the others).  Our mechanic, dentist, realtor, and family physician all were borne from the network of these Chinese churches.  It’s like “The New Science of Networks” by Albert-Laszlo Barabasi (who wrote it after reading “The Strength of Weak Ties“ by Mark S. Granovetter).

Still, when I went to RecWeek it was a big deal since I didn’t commit myself to InterVarsity but to CCC:EPIC (who has their own similar conference: DWC)–the IV leader went to the CCC leader to make sure they knew about me and it was okay with them!  Actually, it is the close relationships I formed in EPIC, not IV, that continue to live on.  I’ve still visited Josh, sent a card to Jonathan Le, had a few meals with prayers and talks of our spiritual struggles with Marie when she stops in town, and exchanged sparse emails with Iris.  Which reminds me: before the birth of EPIC, Alice and I were part of a CCC cell group.  The concept is that, as it grew, it would split and thus multiply.  We had to decide who we wanted to go with: Ophelia or Kristen.  I couldn’t decide at all.  Eventually, on the Jester steps, Iris poured out her heart and tears and basically begged me to be part of the one she had chosen.  I don’t remember if I had chosen one yet at this point, or if I ended up choosing the one that she asked me to be a part of, but I just remember this particular heart-wrenching moment.  I’ve never felt so loved and accepted.  And then, even leaving a comment on a random Xanga where they just started their own EPIC, I never would have imagined that eventually she would pray for my sins, and then point me (with Rudi) to spent one night of our two-week road trip at a stranger’s apartment.  Not only did this sister in Christ open her place for us and provide hospitality, she also prayed for and over us.

FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS
Luke 15:1-7

Perhaps Josh had a better glimpse of how this all operates when he wrote his journal entry on seasonal friendships.  On the snowboarding trip, not only did I reinforce previous friendships but also forged new ones.  Liz prayed for me when she didn’t even know me, only because she knew I needed the spiritual support.  Now we still exchange postcards and emails.  I haven’t spoken to Ruth since I’ve moved back from El Paso; she was a wonderful roommate.  During the student orientation at UT Austin, somehow I ended up hanging with a Hispanic girl and an African-American guy.  I remember the incident when we were eating some free food in a large banquet hall, and he said that he really stood out.  “Because we’re under the skylight?”  “No, because I’m the only black person in this room.”  It was really nice to not be alone and to share the experience with others in the same boat.  I remember her waving at me later, and he visited my dorm freshman year, but now I don’t even remember his or her names (or faces….).  When we graduated, Sapna gave me an old photograph of when the three of us (including Reena) were in second grade? and I had played this detective game with them by planting clues: ”It takes a long time to grow an old friend.”  Back in high school, Carla Ortiz gave me this:  “Thanks for being my friend & for being the caring person that you are to me.  Your the GREATEST friend.  Happy B-day to a friend that means ALOT to me.”  I remember thinking, this is so out of nowhere!  I don’t recall any conversations we’ve had in the past, and ever since I have not a clue what’s going on with her.  She says I’m such a great friend to her, but how?  I know many times I’m nice to those I really would prefer never to hang out with again, but with her it wasn’t even that….

I remember back in Austin, Timmy Chui wrote about The Atomic Tiers of Friendship haha; wonder where he got his ideas.  Phoebe and Hannah have been gone for a week in Hong Kong and will be gone for another week.  I have been contemplating our relationships since I’ve been back at my parents’ place for the time being.  Phoebe and I grew close first semester of freshman year and then agreed to an accountability relationship thereafter until I moved to El Paso.  Hannah and I gelled a connection after her 22nd birthday while exchanging deep, dark, familiar yet unsimilar, privacies.  We’ve hung out I think usually once a week together on the weekends, but of course it’s not like before.  I think other acquaintances (not “friends”) know more about them than I do at this point.  I’m not exactly pining for the days gone by but rather how to take those spontaneous moments along into the future, how to cultivate the environment for our older selves in new stages, for the sake of the gospel, for our children.

I mentioned that we should be neighbors so our kids can play together.  Linton said, “But you don’t even have a boyfriend!.”  Indeed, I’m not even close to marrying, let alone having children.  I never really got to know my neighbors, but it turns out that I know a little more (thanks to my dad) than Phoebe and Hannah do about theirs (they say they’re new).  Linton has to feed their dog Missy, but it seems that in the past (or at least in media), the neighbor usually handles that role.  As I drive towards Dulles Avenue, I always pass a driveway packed with boys who have grown tall and lanky!  I don’t know who lives there, but I’ve seen African-American guys, Asian-American guys, and white guys all playing basketball together.  When Gilmore Girls first came out, what drew me was not only the intelligent banter but the concept that they lived in a (too) close-knit town.  Everyone would eat at the local Luke’s Diner, and then people could hang out on their front porches and say hello to those walking by.  But they sure had a lot of gossip.  (And, as Phoebe said, when Dean made love to Rory, we were shocked.  So much for a clean series.)  I absolutely adored the neighborhood playground my brother and I frequented as children.  Okay, so maybe this concept is now dangerous in this day and age.  Then you can have those “gated communities” that Jessica/Robert/Rosemery (and my brother) are in (compare with the med center condos that Alison/Wilson/Cindy live in).

MARRIAGE
Ephesians 5:22-33

I always say that I feel more comfortable around guys than girls (verus for Linton he says he grew up feeling more comfortable around girls than guys).  The past few weeks I wonder how I came to that conclusion, both mentally and subconsciously in how I act.  I mean, I hung out with both while in school (and senior year it was a table of all females during lunch, man I miss Arlene and oh, her birthday was this past Sunday), and at church it wasn’t like the guys in my class treated me better than the girls.  I would also say that I have more guy friends than girl friends, yet if I lost my guy friends I would be sad but not as devastated as if I were to lose a friendship with a girl. 

Chris is a prime example.  In fact, I’m almost hesitant to call him a friend.  Is he more of a…frequent acquaintance?  Seriously, the only reason we hang out is through Linton (and satellite friends).  I have a [funny] birthday card that he gave me freshman year.  Little did I know then how rare that is.  Yet he’s probably going to be one of Linton’s groomsman, and I did invite him to my birthday dinner, I guess to even it out.  I also invited Nathan Kim, and we rarely talk.  In fact, we just see each other at football and usually don’t even exchange words.  But I know if I am in need of prayer or other help, he will respond, as he always emails back amidst his numerous activities.  And then there are Andrew, Nathan, and Inch.  Well, I haven’t been in contact with them for quite a long time now, but it’s okay.  I think I feel closer to them than the other people I’ve met from football simply because I met them through Vickie, and somehow that changed the dynamics in how I associate with them, like sending them Christmas cards.

Haha, remember when Tina Chen thought that David Kalloor and I were dating because he’d come over so often freshman year before either of us made many new friends?  It never occurred to me, and I never ever did/will have that thought concerning him.  Whereas with Siwei we, I have no idea how, hit it off right off the bat (where/when/who).  I could tell him everything that I tell my brother–that’s how close I felt with him.  But I barely met him.  At first I clung to thinking, “What does it mean to know my husband?” but like friendships, there are those you just click with and those you don’t.  So I’ve let go of that.  When I said no in Austin to a sweet guy who asked me out, he asked if it was because he didn’t believe in God.  “No, I’m just not attracted to you.”  Somehow, I didn’t feel it.  

Although, I think that has to do with our current culture.  If parents don’t approve of your choice nowadays, that’s usually overlooked instead of trying to reconcile.  In past customs (like the dowry) and in prevailing traditions (like the father “giving away” the daughter) though, it’s really a relationship between the two families, if not also between/within churches (The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony by Pamela Paul), dating with the approval of your community, who is in the place to help you weigh in the other factors of values and also keep you accountable.  That’s probably why Erwin and I are somewhat okay when thinking about arranged marriages.  I think the problem occurs when they make matches due to affluence and distinguishment, etc, as all humans end up messing up good systems.  My question to myself is, “If a guy I highly respect were to ask me but I just wasn’t feeling it, even after multiple extended rendezvous, would I accept?”  I think this is the wisdom I need to ask God about: the ability to discern whether an obstacle is the result of the need for discipline/perseverance (hurdle) or is the result of the need for a detour/fork (wall).  That’s what I’ve been trying to consider about waking up early, memorizing verses, personality in socializing, planning (using a planner works great for me, but Jennifer Lin says it doesn’t help her at all), kit with relatives, exercising, friendships as mentioned above, love languages….

PURPOSE
John 17:4

Last Wednesday, we met for FBCC Ladies’ Group.  The overall concensus was, we have no idea where we are headed and how our stories will end on earth and continue in heaven.  Many are figuring out whether to change to an entirely new area of study, or at least a new job within their current finished schooling.  The competition rises each year it seems among valedictorians/salutatorians, and I am amazed at just how ambitious and passionate they appear to be; you wonder if they will reach it, and if they will find satisfaction in reaching it.  As the dark clouds slowly dissipate, at times an epiphany or some clarity will shine through, but then it quickly disappears and I’m in a fog again, but still in a better state for seeing it.  I’m usually at peace when I think that I will be married while going about the house, how I’ve always vaguely but contentedly imagined it, helping supporting supplementing whatever he endeavors.  Despite that, Proverbs 31 had always bothered me, but even now the Proverbs 31 woman is now a celebration and challenge.  This always-wife desire and this in-the-Bible-but-doesn’t-seem-right disenchantment is finally coming together.  I guess I didn’t realize that it made me feel intimidated, incompetent, hopeless, exhausted (in my own power) like reading the goals of the graduates.  Instead, as God is making us perfect, as women He is making us her (His power with our participation), in our own unique ways. 

Of course, having “peace” doesn’t always mean I’m on the right track, but again you can’t discount it either.  I get restless when I think that I have been blessed beyond what I could’ve asked or imagined and with that comes the stewardship of making great strides for His kingdom (and thus even before believing but being raised in church, missions was always attractive to my naive eyes).  The thing is, ultimately we are to obey and glorify, NOT to change the world.  I think it is in this that I am transitioning from abstractness into something more pragmatic, as I am slowly lifted out and glean the gems that can only be understood from coming out of trip-ups, temptations, and trials.  I was all tangled up in my buzz words of community/friends/romance/vulnerability/missions/reconciliation/prayer, I’ve forgotten to “look up!”  I’ve been trying to figure out what God has given me a gift in, where God has placed my passions in, and how it could all work in this current culture, but conclusively regardless of techniques and training, the umph will be from God.  

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.  Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.  All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.  For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! (Philippians 3:7-16, Romans 11:36).

AMEN.

LWB: Ch04: About Sin

When the Romeros first got Sally as a family pet, she was only one foot long.  Then on July 20, 1993, Sally, a Burmese python, attacked fifteen-year-old Derek, strangling him to death.  So it is with sin.  Though it may entertain us, play with us, sleep with us, and amuse us, its nature never changes.  Inevitably, it will always rise up to bite and devour those who befriend it. 

13.  “I can sin and get away with it.”

As with many other lies, we don’t consciously believe these things, but when we choose to sin, it is invariably because we think we can get away with it (Psalm 10:6,11,13).  And so we choose to eat that second dessert, even though we’re already stuffed, not stopping to consider that lack of restraint in one area of our lives makes us more vulnerable to lack of discipline in more major areas, that I will reap what I sow.  We entertain ourselves with media that reflect worldy philosophies and legitimize profanity, immodesty, and immoral behavior, never stopping to contemplate that in so doing we are desensitizing our conscience, developing a tolerance for sin, increasing our appetite for sin, diminishing our hunger for holiness, and erecting a barrier in our fellowship with God.  Sin does bring pleasure–for a short time (Hebrews 11:25).  Ultimately, however, sin exacts a devastating toll–there are no exceptions.  I have a friend who keeps in his billfold a list of the consequences of sin.  When he is tempted to disobey God, he reads it and asks, “Is this a price I eally want to pay?  Is this a price I can afford to pay?”

• Sin steals joy (Psalm 51:12)
• Sin removes confidence (I John 3:19-21)
• Sin brings guilt (Psalm 51:3)
• Sin gives Satan the upper hand (II Corinthians 2:9-11)
• Sin quenches God’s Spirit (I Thessaloneans 5:19)
• Sin brings physical damage (Psalms 38:1-11, 31:10)
• Sin causes an ache in the soul (Psalm 32:3-4)
• Sin breaks God’s heart (Ephesians 4:30)
• Sin opens the door to other sins (Isaiah 30:1)
• Sin breaks fellowship with God (Isaiah 59:1-2)
• Sin produces fear (Proverbs 28:1)
• Sin makes me its slave (John 8:34, Romans 6:16)

Sometimes the consequences of our sin are not seen until months or years down the road.  Sometimes, they don’t show up until the next generation.  Some consequences will be delayed until we stand before God at the judgment seat.  That is why we persist in foolishly thinking we have somehow managed to get away with our sin (Ecclesiastes 8:11).  One of God’s purposes in delaying divine retribution is to give us time to repent (II Peter3:9).  Nonetheless, the day of reckoning will come. And when it does, every child of God will wish with all his heart that he had chosen the pathway of obedience (Ecclesiastes 8:12, 12:13-14).

14.  “My sin isn’t really that bad.”

This lie and the next are two opposite ends of the spectrum.  If the Enemy can’t get us to believe one, he will get us to believe the other.  Those of us who have grown up in good homes or in the church have learned how to “act right.”  Compared to others who commit “serious” sins, it’s easy for us to feel that wasting time, self-protection, talking too much, eating or drinking too much, a sharp tongue, a critical spirit, overspending, fear, worry, selfish motives, or complaining don’t seem all that major.  We may not even consider them to be sins at all–preferring to think of them as weaknesses, struggles, or personality traits.  Eve easily could have viewed her sin this way.  The big deal was that God said “Don’t” and Eve said “I will.”  Like a rock thrown into a pond, the ripples caused by sin go on and on.  As John Bunyan put it, “One leak will sink a ship; and one sin will destroy a sinner.”  Or as Bunyan’s contemporary Jeremy Taylor said, “No sin is small.  No grain of sand is small in the mechanism of a watch.”

The Puritans of the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries were known for their commitment to holiness and obedience.  From all outward appearances, there is little for which they could be faulted.  But as you read their writings, you discover that they thought of themselves as great sinners.  Because they walked in close communion with God, they cultivated a sense of the horror of their sin, no matter how insignificant it might seem to others:

Unmask to me sin’s deformity,
          that I may hate it, abhor it, flee from it…
Let me never forget that the heinousness of sin
          lies not so much in the nature of the sin committed,
                    as in the greatness of the person sinned against.

15.  “God can’t forgive what I have done.”

“I’ve never been able to forgive myself.”  The Bible never speaks of the need to forgive ourselves.  But what many of these women are really saing is that they have never been able to feel forgiven.  Though they know that God can forgive them, deep down they do not believe they are truly, fully forgiven.  They find it difficult to accept God’s mercy and forgiveness.  They feel that in order to be restored into favor and fellowship with God there is something further they must do to atone for their sin; that they must do “penance”; that perhaps they can be good enough to make up for the wrong they have done.  However, there is only one solution:

What can wash away my sin?  Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
What can make me whole again?  Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Nothing can for sin atone, Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
Naught of good that I have done, Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

The Truth about both of these lies is revealed at Calvary (Psalm 85:10).  It was at Calvary that God’s mercy and love for sinners and the Truth of His holy hatred for sin found a meeting place  At Calvary, God heaped upon Jesus all the punishment for all the sin of the world.  At the same time, He offered peace and reconciliation to sinners who had been estranged from Him.  The Cross shows us in the starkest possible terms what God thinks of our sin; it reveals the incredible cost He paid to redeem us from those “weaknesses” that we trivialize in our minds.  The Cross also displays in brilliant Technicolor the love and mercy of God for even the “chief of sinners.”  William Cowper expressed the wonder of that forgiveness in a hymn:

There is a fountain filled with blood
Drawn from Emmanuel’s veins,
And sinners plunged beneath that flood
Lose all their guilty stains.

The dying thief rejoiced to see
That fountain in his day,
And there may I, though vile as he,
Wash all my sins away.

Dear dying Lamb, Thy precious blood
Shall never lose its pow’r,
Till all the ransomed Church of God
Be saved to sin no more.

16.  “I am not fully responsible for my actions and reactions.”

After Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, God came to hold them accountable for what they had done.  He did not approach them as a family unit.  Neither did He ask Adam and Even to explain each other’s behavior.  Both chose to play “The Blame Game” rather than take personal responsibility for their actions.  In both cases, their respons was accurate.  However, by shifting the blame to another, they were attempting to diminish their own responsibility in the matter.  God was not asking them what someone else had done to make them sin; He was asking them to take responsibility for their own behavior.  Regardless of what had influenced them to make that choice, it was still their choice.  When we are angry, depressed, bitter, annoyed, impatient, or fearful, our natural response isto shift at least some of the responsibility onto the people or circumstances that “made” us that way.

I will never forget the day a middle-aged woman came to the platform to give a testimony during one of our women’s revival conferences.  She introduced herself by saying that she had been a therapist for 22 years.  Brokenly, she then said, “I want to repent before You, my God, and before you, my sisters, for leading you astray and for telling you lies–for not saying, ‘You are solely and personally responsible for your own behavior, no matter what anyone else does.’  I’m sorry!”  The Truth is that only by accepting full responsibility for our actions and attitudes can we ever be fully free from guilt.  As John Alexander said

Sin is the best news there is, the best news there could be in our predicament.  / Because with sin, there’s a way out.  There’s the possibility of repentance.  You can’t repent of confusion or psychological flaws inflicted by your parents–you’re stuck with them.  But you can repent of sin.  Sin and repentance are the only grounds for hope and joy.

17.  “I cannot walk in consistent victory over sin.”

More than half of the women we surveyed acknowledged that they had bought into the lie (Romans 7:21-24).  When we make repeated choices to obey sin rather than God, we establish habit patterns that are extremely difficult to break–we choose to live as sin’s slaves. 

The Spirit says: Forgive.
The flesh says: Hold a grudge

The Spirit says: Be temperate.
The flesh says: Eat whatever you want, whenever you feel like it.

The Spirit says: Give that money to someone in need.
The flesh says: Spend the money on yourself.

The Spirit says: Spend some time in the Word and prayer.
The flesh says: You’ve had a long day; chill out in front of the TV for the evening.

The Spirit says: Hold your tongue. What you are about to say is not kind or necessary.