Maybe you’re pregnant

That’s what Elliot said when I was sharing with him while driving back to Stafford tonight.  I certainly hope not!  Just because I’m surrounded by women preggers with little girls (and a few boys) haha.  And I am definitely not involved in some sort of immaculate conception, no visions that I recall.  In order to try to figure out what happened, let me start where I left off:

Friday, as everyone knows, was the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics.  As I’ve typed before, I went to Vickie’s part of town after brunch at home, studied, ran for fifteen minutes, then watched the Parade of Nations while eating pizza and drinking milk tea at Ariel’s house.  I went to bed around 2 am. 

Saturday I slept in as usual until about 11 am, ate my usual breakfast, read the comics, finally checked my email (last time I was on my computer was Tueday evening), rested and reflected a little regarding this past week.  I actually didn’t feel all that well stomach-wise, so I ate at home (from Yellow River restaurant, the usual).  Since I missed the dinner with Sarah Su and company at Sweet Tomatoes, I hoped to join them afterwards.  I was informed they were going to go dancing at Wild West afterwards, however, and that was definitely out of the question for me.  I played the piano a bit, took a shower, then went to bed at 10 pm because I really was tired (as Hannah helped point out to me on the phone).  I had a hint of a vague headache floating so I figured I’d might as well since usually I sleep and it disappears.

Sunday/Today, instead, I woke up with a double-hint of headache.  I drove Ariel and myself to Houston Chinese Church (our default is Fort Bend Community Church, and actually today Andy Wong was scheduled to talk at Encounter).  As I drove toward the back, I commented that I could feel the rush of anxiety I typically feel on Sundays.  We walked through the back (from the parking lot) and saw Stanley and Leanne coming out.  Ariel explained that we were there to see a friend in town.  I guess they lead Sunday School for the youth.  As we entered the old but renovated building, Ariel commented that it still smelled the same LOL.  As we passed the long curving brown sofa, I waved hello to Sandy!  I haven’t seen her in ages.

We were a bit late to the English service (we only sang the last song), but apparently Kelvin, Lesley (pregnant), Amy, and Michelle came in even later (during the sermon).  Lindi was one of the people who passed out the bulletins.  I didn’t expect to see Wilson up there with a guitar, either, with Liang singing, Anny playing the piano, and Andrew playing the bass guitar.  There was another guy who I didn’t recognize.  James and Robert came in a bit after the sermon started and sat on the left side of the room.  Pastor Tow introduced one of their missionaries, Tim Chang, who’s proposition for today’s sermon was that “a life that treasures the things of Christ by faith is a life marked by a radical, risk-taking, sacrificial type of love” (Hebrews 11:24-26).

We loitered inside for a bit as Amy and Michelle came over.  Ariel says she saw the back of Gee’s head (he’s in town) when I pointed out that Linda was here.  Grace came over to say hello.  I don’t think Peter saw us (Michelle says he looked different but couldn’t pinpoint in what way).  Leon waved until I noticed him and acknowledged him.  Jasmine was behind him.  I think I heard Dan’s voice somewhere.  Grace’s mom came and said hello to me, asking what I’ve been up to, why we were here, how we knew who, and informed me of the possible Sunday School classes I could attend if we didn’t head off to lunch soon after (Book of James, Who You Are When No One’s Looking, the cultural religious views of today, etc.).  I saw Sharon, of course no longer pregant since I’ve seen pictures of Eric Thomas, but I was still not prepared to not see her big belly hehe.  Alison came over to say hello as well.

Ariel and I joined the Chong and Wong family for lunch at Fung’s Kitchen (including the two sets of parents and us, there were twelve of us).  We had dim sum (coincidentally later Vickie called for us to join WHCC for lunch and they were eating dim sum at Golden Foods?).  We then headed to JuiceBox for some shaved ice topped with fruit, condensed milk, and ice cream.  I had great fun watching the family dynamics (the Wong sisters, Kelvin and Lesley, Kelvin and Katie, Katie and Chris, and the parents).  Ariel asked me if my dad talked, and I was curious as to what sprung her question.  She says that the Mr. Wong was super quiet, and indeed, he was.  No, my dad makes small talk.

I took Ariel back because she had to show their house to a family friend (he was coming over at 2 pm).  I stopped by the Wal-mart off of Beltway 8 for $3.49/gal gas, though.  My head was definitely worse by then (thus I didn’t eat all that much for lunch) but it was bearable and I had had something similar before.  Vickie called to play basketball and I figured I’d go to distract myself but I’d probably won’t be up for playing.  I drove Elliot, Ariel, and myself over to our usual location.  Ariel and I sat and chatted, and eventually she read a little of the book Elliot returned (Lies My Teacher Told Me).  It wasn’t too bad with the breeze.  Everyone bought lots of fluids (stacks of water and gatorade).  Ariel drew funny pictures to label the bottles, using my permanent marker.

Linton came later to join James, Jonathan, Chris, Hannah, Vickie and Elliot for volleyball (Vickie finally bought one with Chris) and then ultimate football (on the baseball field–they climbed over the fence).  Hannah left around 4:30 pm.  I joined them after they played 3:3 basektball for Knockout and Poison (Chris sat out for this latter game lol).  Linton took Ariel home.  Interestingly, during the games, as long as I didn’t move terribly fast, my headache felt much better (Jonathan: “Amy, why didn’t you move?” when he made 3 baskets in a row and I was supposed to run so I would be far when he tries to tag someone out by rolling the ball).  But when I sat down, I felt much worse than before, the worst headache I’d ever had in my life as I can remember.  Yet I didn’t think it was a migraine (though I guess I don’t know the definition of one).  I remember Cynthia not being able to stand the light, and the light wasn’t too bad, except flashing ones or something, and that even if was was completely healthy would find that extremely bothersome (e.g. at the MercyMe concert).  I was moaning and trying to lay my head down (Vickie moved away hahaha!).

I called Jessica to ask her to bring Tylenol when she showed up at the UT Rec Fields.  She said she’d bring them, but recommended that I just don’t come, to stay away from the heat.  I did not know that.  Oops.  I should have just stayed home I guess.  I didn’t want to talk, but others talking regularly around me was okay (i.e. listening wasn’t a problem).  Chris suggested that I go to James’ condo to rest.  Elliot drove me there (the stop/go definitely worsened the pain).  James, Braden, and Michael were in the pool.  The slow walking actually temporarily relieved my headache (Elliot: “You better walk near the grass, so if you fall over you have something soft to land on”).  Eveline was already taking a nap on the couch, so James said I could sleep on his bed.  I wanted to save him the hassle of washing his sheets, so I was thinking of putting his sleeping bag over, but then Jonathan remembered James had a futon bed under the bed, so he pulled that out.  He also gave me (I requested two) Tylenol - Extra Strength before Vickie drove him, Elliot, and Chris to the UT Rec Fields.

I tried to lie down, but immediately my headache intensified (it was near the front, slightly to the left).  In fact, I felt like emesis, so I made the typical noises over the sink, and I really thought something was going to come out, but nothing did.  I decided I’d simply sit instead and try not to move.  Eveline got up and gave me a little trash can lined with two plastic bags in case I’d have to hurl.  I sat on the couch curled up.  I dozed off. 

The guys returned to take showers, and Brian came over as well.  Michael asked James to turn off the lights for my sake (aww).  We watched the gymnastic Olympics qualifiers.  I burped, but Eveline thought it was Braden lol (I soon admitted it was me and then when Braden really did burp (he was drinking beer), he blamed it on me but Eveline knew it was Braden).

We met up with Peter, Jacky, and the sports players at Hong Kong Food Street (Hong Kong Cafe closed at 9 pm).  The twelve of us surrounded the front round table on the right corner of the restaurant where they store their soft drinks and dirty kitchenware.  I felt much better, like I had felt on Saturday night, just a bit off but definitely without pain.  Elliot said that people were asking where I was, and the answer given was that they had dropped me off at someone’s place.  “It sounded worse than we meant” haha.  Apparently they had played volleyball!  For example, Vickie and Wilson played the entire time.  Even Chris Lu came out and played.  And then there were those, like Tiffany and Elliot, who played Ultimate Frisbee.  Even Inch and Nathan Wang came out (Sarah was there, too).  At the restaurant we cheered as US’s men’s swimming relay team won gold over France.  I drove Elliot back and came home.  Dad told me how the Chinese don’t tend to win team sports because they invest in single individuals to win as many gold medals as possible (teams other than swimming - they don’t have that big of a pool - usually only win one gold for the entire team). 

Some quick searches:

• It doesn’t seem like a tension, migraine, or cluster headache.  I meet the “lying down aggravates” part of it, but that’s it, thank God.
• Belladonna seems to always pop up.  I’m not sure if it is describing a type or a therapeutic solution.  But again, thank God, I only meet the part that says “cannot lie down.”  The Complete Homeopathic Resource for Common Illnesses by Dennis Chernin says that a Belladonna is “one of the most important remedies for headaches.  This remedy is often useful for headaches that occur from overexposure to sun or heatstroke.  Symptoms associated with this type of headache are clearly defined; throbbing pain that can drive the person almost wild is the most important symptom.  The location of the pain is usually in the right frontal area and is associated with a flushed face and dilated pupils.  The person cannot lie down or bear any light, direct air, noise, or jarring.  Sometimes sitting up makes the headache feel better.  Headaches are often better with warm wraps around the head or firm pressure (as with Bryonia).”
• From Special Pathology and Diagnostics with Therapeutic Hints by Sigmund and C. G. Raue:  “Therapeutic Tips:  China.  The pain is increased from slight touch, from opening the eyes, or from keeping them shut; sometimes the pain is relieved by lying down, at other times the patient cannot lie down; better while moving about gently, or sitting up erect.  Nursing females after loss of vital fluids.”
• Less Frequently Encountered:  http://my.clevelandclinic.org/disorders/Headaches/hic_Less_Frequently_Encountered_Headache_Types.aspx
• Hot or Cold Treatment for Headaches: It’s Your Choice:  http://www.headache.healthcare-advice.com/Articles/Menstrual_Migraines_Its_Nature.php
• Homeo Expression: http://homeocare.blogspot.com/2006/07/migraine-or-hemi-crania.html

[edit]  I definitely still have an aura this morning.  And this afternoon.  When I took my dad to Wal-mart (we ran out of toilet paper) and Fry’s, the heat definitely aggravated my head until I had a headache again.  But as soon as I cooled down it didn’t hurt (just an aura)….  By the way, my menstrual cycle is ending (tomorrow/Tuesday should be my seventh/last day), so maybe that plays a factor, though I don’t usually get headaches when my period is ending….

American born Chinese

Alice Wen had asked me on Wednesday (when she spotted me with Phoebe at Starbucks) and then on Friday night (at Bible study) to make sure to inform her of sports this Sunday/today.  I called her several times but was only able to leave a message.  I finally left with Elliot (thanks for driving) toward the UT Rec Fields.  Alice finally called me back around 5 pm and explained that she had pharmacy training that was supposed to end at 3 pm but instead it had just ended.  Thus, understandably, she was too tired to join us (and we had left, anyway).  Always assume the best of people, right? 

We were very early, arriving just as Tiffany was walking towards the fields.  We practiced with the frisbee I brought along (forgot the cheap garage-sale smaller yellow one at T. H. Rogers elementary school last week, covering the hole in the ground).  Tiffany likes flag football the best.  She says she can’t seem to control the frisbee.  Elliot isn’t sure if he’s doing it right, but he throws it the best among the three of us.  Tiffany definitely got better by the time the other people arrived.  Tiffany was debating what to do about her messed-up knee (”Should I not wear cleats so that when I cut I will just fall instead of impact my knee?  But then I might fracture my wrist or something”) and definitely warmed up and stretched.  We copied her, drank water, stayed in the shade.  Roger, Eliseu, and Jason showed up.  Wilson came out after his nap (he apparently had to get up earlier than usual).  Then the rest of the people streamed in.  Nathan Kim of course.  Chris came out!  He said none of the guys wanted to play basketball, haha.  Henry came, too! and Jonathan Eng and Jacky.  I met Dean (wears glasses) indirectly as Wilson said hello to him.

Initially we had one game going, but when it was practically thirteen against thirteen (around when Leon arrived), Wilson and Tiffany split the field into two fields going opposite directions.  Eliseu offered volleyball, to which I raised my hand to join him, but since no one else wanted to, the decision ended up being two fields of ultimate frisbee.  The more intense game (e.g. Aaron Fu) took over the longer (more running) field, lol.  I joined the rest of the girls on the smaller field.  Yvonne said this was her first time, but obviously she put much more of her heart into it and played quite well.  Even Rosemery played, although on the opposing team of her husband Jerry, hehe.  I actually ended up playing with the guys because this is Joanne’s last Sunday here in Houston (she’s starting school in Austin) so she asked me to join her (so as to even out).  I enjoyed it because I did a lot more running (my whole point of coming out each week, right?).  Afterwards, while waiting for the other field, I bumped Wilson’s volleyball around with Nathan (who is always kind enough to play with me).  Haha, but at the end he was like, “Sorry, Amy, that’s enough.” 

Lindi came out to fly her owl kite.  James Hsia was a counselor at camp.  So many people who I haven’t seen out here came, even Cynthia!  I returned her umbrella, which James had handed to me on Friday night.  I also returned the plastic container that Andrew had given me Friday night containing his sister’s clam chowder (yum!).  He asked me to put that and his sunglasses with his flip flops, which I couldn’t find (neither could Nathan Kim).  I hope he found them, since I just left them in the grass with everyone else’s belongings.  Nathan left as the guys deliberated where to eat.  Chris said that James Wei, etc. were at Double Dave’s so instead of eating dinner with BASIC we ate for the first time at Double Dave’s.  (Henry went home to take a shower first.)  As we were driving and Jacky passed us up, Elliot says Jacky always has a bewildered look on his face.  That is such a good description! 

Anyway, the price is a rip off considering the quality is only slightly better than CiCi’s, they had a much smaller selection it felt like, and then since they were closing they took away the food beforehand, and then kicked us out (well, that last part I can understand - they even turned a few people away who came in later than we did).  We got there just as Michael and Eveline were leaving (why does it always seem that way?).  I lent American Born Chinese to James Wei because I figured he might like to read it.  As soon as Brian saw it, he raved that he was trying to find that to buy for a cousin of his, and how he loved the story, and where did I get it, etc etc.  Peter knew what it was as well.  I think the rest of us (for example, the white guy who’s a friend of the UH guys who’s name I forgot) was amazed at his exclamations.  He even asked, “Can I read it aloud to you?”  I think they then debated whether it was a comic book or a graphic novel.  Henry started debating about which dinosaur would win in a one-on-one fight since he had seen a show on television about it.  I asked Chris about last night at James’ condo, and he said he arrived at 11:30 pm!  I guess I didn’t miss much of the alcohol-induced Chris.

Deluge

Tiffany informed me that they were going to play flag football at the UT Red Fields.  Lisa also called to thank me for her postcard.  However, the guys called so, seeing the clouds and banking on last time’s luck of doing both, I went to play basketball under the pavillion.  We played three on three with the assistance/presence of a white stranger named Daniel.  He says he lives just around the corner and he usually just walks over to shoot some hoops Sunday afternoons.  Elliot and Daniel were about the same height, so they were on opposite teams.  Elliot, Chris, and I were on one team, and Daniel, Jacky, and Peter were on the other.  It was really windy.  The guys said I made a lot of good hook shots, but our team still lost twice (pretty neck to neck, though).

James and Chris went home to shower.  I drove Elliot to Jacky’s apartment, where Jacky showered.  He has Pulp Fiction (which Elliot and I were just talking about me needing to watch it).  Diana came over.  We looked at his clothes magazines (pretty pricey, and fashion-y).  Then Jocelyn arrived.  I drove the five of us to Jang Guen Tofu House on 9896 Bellaire Blvd to meet up with Chris, Peter, James, and Sam.  James didn’t join us for basketball because he had agreed to get his hair permed (thus his hair is not flat after washing).

I split a $15 combo with Diana.  Chris got the combo by himself.  He burned his hand while holding the pot; he commented how, strangely, he reacted slowly.  They gave him alcohol (like, the real deal for drinking) at the bottom of a small bottle.  Chris declined.  He only agreed to ice, which they provided in a ziplock bag.  It started dripping off the table onto him LOL!  Then he took Jacky, Jocelyn, and Diana to Gelato Cup before dropping them back at Jacky’s.  I got gas at 9:45 at Walmart for 3.829 per gallon for a total of $18.59.  I chatted with Lisa, Jacky, Jessica (so long!), Linton, Vickie, Siwei, and Jonathan.

Bible: James 2:1-13

Last night I went to FBCC Bible study.  Jamie (born in Beaumont, TX), Carol (Chicago, IL), Eric (Philadelphia, PA), Brad, Andrew Fong (Houston, TX), Joe (Houston), BJ (quickly moved to New Orleans, LA), DeHorne, Jason (Mississippi), Stephen, Emily, Grace (from Korea? friend of ?), and Janet (Hong Kong) were there.  Even Alice Wen (Taiwan), Raymond, and Simon came.  BJ led our group’s discussion on James 2:1-13 after the video presentation:

• Describe some ways in which we in the church show favoritism today.  Some are viewed as “more godly” or “less godly.”  Although there is some reality in both good and bad stereotypes, we should gradually know another in order to see where that person fits.  We tend to flock to those we are more like, whether through ethnicity or personality or age.  Is that favoritism?  Well, favoritism is based on face value while preference is based on knowing someone already.
• What is God’s view of favoritism?  In what ways is favoritism “judgment without mercy” (v. 13), and what kind of judgment will God bring on those whoshow favoritism?  Where is your heart?  Are you shunning another based on preconceive notions?  Favoritism is acting like you are God, in that you can judge another (but only God can judge).  What if no one finds a connection with this one person?  There’s a reason that no one really bonds with this one person.  Do we make the extra effort to dig until we find a connection?
• According to James 2:8, what is “the royal law found in Scripture”?  Why is showing favoritism a violation of this law?  “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  You wouldn’t want another to shun you, or to make base their behavior towards you on a false claim.
• What is God nudging you personally to do to become more accepting, appreciative or affirming of others?  What practical steps can you take to help others feel God’s love and acceptance?  Don’t assume simply from hearing one thing and blowing up and assuming so many more other characteristics.  Before even meeting, you have already sized another up!
• Make a list of the pros and cons of our career group, in reflection of today’s lesson.  These are things people said that we’re doing well in:  We’re good at providing opportunities to connect (e.g. basketball, socials, Sunday lunch, birthdays, snacks after Bible study).  There are a lot of friendships and relationships.  We’re good at asking newcomers if they’d like to be on the distribution list.  It’s a big-sized group where responsibilities can be rotated with others, instead of someone stepping up to do it due to “forced” necessity in smaller churches (e.g. like Jiyoo).  Many people here have a desire to grow.  There are areas of growth they mentioned:  We need to work on following up with newcomers or even regulars we haven’t seen in awhile.  There needs to be more reaching out.  We have cliques.  We need more participation on the online blog (xanga) and pictures (shutterfly).  We need to publicize more within church regarding the existence of this group.  Changing up the location could be helpful.  All members need to remember that this is our fellowship, and not just those “leaders” should be doing the welcoming, etc.

Afterwards I chatted with Alice and Simon and exchanged numbers with them.  Then, I made a pitstop at Pastor Doug’s house in Stafford.  BASIC had put together a potluck that night there.  I showed up at around 11:30.  I slowly opened the door, and James Hsia said hello.  Then I spotted Linton’s sisters.  Rebecca aske,d “Did you just come from small group?”  “Haha, yes, I did.”  They asked why I was so late, and I said that I just wanted to stop by since it was so close and on my way home.  Pastor Doug introduced himself to me, and he says his wife’s sister or other relative goes to FBCC.  They encouraged me to take some food, so I did, after thinking I probably need some breakfast. 

Yvonne introduced Joseph to me, but of course we already knew each other.  He says he’s back in Houston for work.  I think I rambled way too much, about nothing (I seem to do that a lot lately).  And then it was awkward, so we moved on.  Lisa exclaimed hello, then returned to her responsibilities.  Robert, as always, enthusiastically greeted me, with, “She came!”  He convinced me to take a slice of pizza back.  He says that his metabolism is not like it used to be, not like our younger ones, haha.  Wilson and Tiffany said hello; I caught them just as they were leaving.  I helped clean up just a little bit, then took my food home.  I was home before midnight, isn’t that amazing?

Boys to men

This past Sunday, Jacky called me to see if anyone was playing football because Sam Tarng (”newcomer to WHCC”) wanted to check it out. So I called Wilson, and then called Timmy Yip. Timmy twisted his ankle in April so he said he’d probably won’t be available until late July. He told me next time try to catch Wilson around noon since that’s probably when they decide about the afternoon. who told me when/where and to contact Tiffany or David Zhao. Jacky called again to say that Sam was there but didn’t see anyone. Ah well, I guess I’m going then (maybe it’s because he doesn’t recognize anyone–haha, yeah right, I forgot how talkative Sam is). They all teased me when I arrived: “Where were you?” “We were waiting!” “Hurry up!” It was three on three: George Yang, Sam, and me, against Nathan Kim, Tiffany, and David.

When it comes to football, there are times when I really don’t know what to make of comments. Our team won, and Tiffany said that I must’ve secretly trained while I was out (e.g. not playing in the league). Did I really play that well? Then I sure surprised myself, because I definitely sat on my butt and not exercised, haha.

George is so flirty. During the game, he kept encouraging me (well, we were on the same team, but words they weren’t just “good going” or “you can do it” type ones, if you get my drift). Sometimes he’d burst into this all hyped-up mode and start yelling from his gut lol. When I first arrived on the scene, he asked if we had met before, and I said, “I’m 13.” When there was still no light bulb, I said that I was #13 on his brother James’ team on the Titans the season before the one that just ended. Then he realized I cut my hair and remembered. It was because back then, when James was trying to get his brother to play with us, he’d show up a bit during practices and on game day he’d call me “13″ and sometimes initiate a fist bump. So he did that again this afternoon. Afterwards, he realized he had a mosquito bite and showed it to me and talked about how it wasn’t cool because a bite on the knuckle is especially aggravating. Anyway, he’s flirty but it’s not just to me; I think it’s just how he is. I have to admit that it’s fun, even if a little awkward, for me anyway. Most people know all these sorts of teasing, etc, usually offend me or go over my head. Hannah, Phoebe, and Vickie innately respond to me and thus haven’t really done that with me. But yeah, it’s a fun thing, from a young ‘un, too.

When they left, I called Vickie back. We talked for a bit, and then I drove to the closest grocery store and bought bread and Spam, haha! I was hungry but didn’t want to leave the park, so that’s what I ate for “dinner” while I read in the car and on the bench until 8:30 pm.  While I was eating the spam, I thought of how easy it is to get fat when you’re poor.  I bought it because it was cheap, and although in the long run the cost would be more expensive (a decaying body compounded with large medical bills), when you’re desperately low in dollars at the moment and hungry, you’re going to spend it on this cheap junk.  And thus that is probably why in the United States a lot of those living in poverty also have obesity issues (whereas in third-world countries they can’t even get their hands on even edible food, let alone junk food).

Tonight, Diana invited Hannah and me to a 6-pm dinner at Ruggles. It was quite a time, for we talked until past 9 o’clock (Diana even missed her friend’s birthday party). Obviously I can’t reveal the details of our conversations, but topics covered included parents being “madly in love”, arranged marriage, Korean royalty, boys, how our parents met and fell in love and married, ambitious for ourselves but maybe not pushing others, being mothers, being wives, responding to a significant other (being passive with an aggressive one, or controlling with a passive one), the time when we felt we were really growing up and losing a part of our childhood innocence, past boy stories (eg. cheating), Asian fetishes, how we grew up in church, our current church situations, the importance of a community to let us know when we’re in a bad relationship….

Lost

Not the television series season finale tonight.  That’s just how I describe how I’ve been feeling for quite some time.  And that’s what I’ve been telling people.  Like I wrote in an email three weeks ago when asked for a prayer request:  “On a personal note, I still feel lost, but it’s not this big suffocating weight and desperation, and I don’t really think it’s a bad thing either.  Still, I think what was said at Bible study was right on target, I really don’t even know what to specify except that I really haven’t touched that Bible in forever.  I used to read it every day.  So that is a step.  But just everything is on my mind really, like counseling and church and career and stuff….”  Before, it was this feeling of desolation that would be the catalyst of a stampede of thoughts that no one cares (e.g. second-guessing my friends and family, perceiving past gatherings from under the shadow of a dark cloak).  Just as Phoebe knows her fear of the stage is irrational, I know these thoughts are irrational, but it still doesn’t much help with untangling that knot during the deer-in-headlights moment.  Depression is irrational!  Or is it?  I remember Hannah made a comment after watching Lifting the Veil, saying she somewhat believes that some who have depression are more in tune with reality than us “normal” people because we “ignore” the atrocities and stick with an “illusion” of rosiness in order to not go “crazy.”

“Keep Breathing”
by Ingrid Michaelson

The storm is coming but I don’t mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that i know is I’m breathing now.

I want to change the world…instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I’m breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that I know is I’m breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

Anyway, I guess this is as good a time as any to at least sort a smidgen in my mind/heart/spirit:

COMMUNITY
Genesis 35:11

Last Thursday I drove my parents to Austin to pay a last visit before my brother left for one week (to visit his former roommate), to give him his luggage (so he can pack), and to clean out his fridge (because he can leave food on the stove and not ever eat or clean it out).  My brother and I are very close.  We grew up with the same parents and familial history, in the same household, went to the same school for awhile, even were in the exact class and period for a class or two in high school (personal tutor, baby!).  We initially hung out with the majority of the same acquaintances (and lack thereof) and shared in the same struggles regarding church and friends and connectedness that we still discuss to this day, many times while in his room chatting up to the wee hours of the night/morn and our parents would come and say time to go to bed!  We are considerably different when you meet us, no doubt, as I am more like our mother and he is more like our father.  And in fact since high school we have led very different lives and rarely hang out or even talk with the same people, friends, or each other.  Nonetheless, during those occasional phone calls, I would say that I still feel close and  would still reveal much embarrassing/humbling/shameful things to him.

By the way, he had moved into a new apartment (from the urgings of his currently ex-girlfriend) and bought some furniture.  Where did they come from?  The famous Craigslist.  I have never been to the site, but many many people have made references to it.  From my understanding, it’s a virtual (that sometimes eventually leads to a physical) place where people can sell and exchange practically anything, from sofas and endtables to jobs, pets, and discussions.  It reminds me of Facebook and Myspace, two sites which Jennifer Garcia is part of and asked me if I was as well (I’m not, and actually most people in FBCC don’t have Facebook).  I’m not part of Craigslist, either, but is it something to BE a part of?  But those in Facebook and Myspace are still part of that network since they are still signed up in it, right?  Am I still part of Xanga if I decide I won’t write in it anymore (no activity), even if I have two blogs hosted on it?  You used to need an account to leave a comment, but now you don’t.  Do those who have never signed up part of Xanga if they leave a million comments on others’ Xanga blogs?  What does it mean to be part of a community?  What does it mean to be part of a church, and to be part of His Church?

FELLOWSHIP
Acts 2:42-47

I have been faithfully attending church services on Sundays since childhood.  But this past January, since I’ve always hated it (since middle school and El Paso, and even in Austin), I made a conscious decision to just stop going.  I made no effort to wake up earlier than usual, and even if I did, I didn’t even consider the possibility of perhaps attending.  Not until I figure out which church to attend regularly (do I want to stick with FBCC with its new chapter?), why I feel the way I do about it (is it the environment, the specific social situation?), and my reasons for going.  Three Sundays ago, I told Tiffany that though I haven’t really been communing with God lately, and though I have never ever exactly lauded FBCC, I have come to the conclusion to return to FBCC.  Now I have to dissect what that entails.

Regardless of its vagueness, it was a difficult decision.  Vickie is in San Antonio, so that’s why she says she continues to attend WHCC (her default).  However, she says that when she returns to a more permanent stay in Houston, she’ll move to Access, which is where Phoebe and Linton are fellowshiping now.  Access is starting out as a small but highly committed group.  When it grows in size, how will it look like?  Are people still going to connect?  To start off last fall, Pastor Ted asked his congregants to read The Celtic Way of Evangelism: How Christianity Can Reach the West…Again by George G. Hurton III.  In it, the key to evangelism is through understanding and living as a fellowship among the people, and in time they will open their hearts to the God who knows them.  The old Roman way was for people to believe before they can belong, while the new Celtic way is for you to belong and eventually believe.  In other words, the community and not an individual brings you to Christ.  In many ways, it’s easier to tell someone the Gospel than it is to take someone where s/he consistently experiences the Gospel.

How do we belong?  I sure feel like I belong to WHCC and HCC more than FBCC.  I know I am at fault for not terribly trying much, but even though I don’t really try, I get invited to their birthday parties, their holiday celebrations, and their event gatherings.  They even apologize profusely for forgetting to add me onto their list and making sure I am included next time.  On the flip side, I try the hardest with FBCC (but not my hardest in general) by calling and emailing them to contact me to hang out, and instead I’ve come to expect voicemail and oh yeah, this is what we’re doing right now, if you want to come.  Is it because at least one or two people keep track of me at WHCC and HCC, but no one does here at FBCC?  That could make all the difference.  Or is it that I expect more (and keep a record of wrongs?) because I have decided to be included at FBCC but I am nonchalant with whether I am invited to WHCC or HCC?  I remember back in January there was a slew of WHCC birthdays, and then in February there was a slew of FBCC birthdays.  Somehow, I ended up going to the WHCC ones but not the FBCC ones as much; I don’t remember now, but at the time was it due to scheduling conflicts or did I finally decide to attend the WHCC ones because I was more comfortable with them?  What does it mean to expect the worse but hope for the best?  How do you have high expectations but….? 

When I entered college, I checked out a handful of Christian gatherings.  I joined a small group that was part of the then-called Chinese Bible Study because it was the thing to do and everyone kept emphasizing them.  Our group fell apart,one by one, until it was just the Bible study leader, me, and this girl who was highly committed and hadn’t yet accepted Jesus.  I felt sorry, but that wasn’t going to cut it, so I left highly disappointed and joined CCC.  Later, I learned that one of the girls who wasn’t that much of a believer became good friends with Kara and eventually made an amazing transformation through His grace.  The thing is, though you can encourage group ownership, it sure can’t be forced.  Anyone knows nagging doesn’t work, although we find ourselves doing it.  Haven’t you noticed with some you just click instantly and with others you don’t?  Some people find you dull, while others find you exciting, or at least around them somehow you light up.  Even if you give all the time you can, with all the sincerity and effort, with both of you seeking, even if you lived near each other.  Reminds me of that girl from Chicago: we had an affinity towards each other so we’d decide to meet up and all, but anyone can tell from our conversations that somehow we just weren’t clicking.  Eventually we both decided without words to call it off.  She was a smart and pretty girl; I wonder where she is now after UT Austin pre-pharm classes.

Maybe we’re defining incorrectly.  Back in high school, I was elected to be the Science Club president, with a new teacher sponsor.  It bothered me that our definition of a member was someone who paid the fee.  There were those who were super dedicated, coming and helping at every single event, while others never showed up but they did pay the money.  I didn’t enjoy being president, so for me to keep everything running was as good as it was going to get, not trying to change their pre-existing system.  Magnificat has an application process but afterwards you’re in for life.  Even with years of hiatus you are always wlecome to come back and use the resources.  I met Annie Shen at an HCC gathering, and she says she hangs out with HCC, serves in her home Asian church, and then attends a more American (or African-American?) church on Sunday mornings.  Seems fragmented and yet, is that something I want to imitate?  In a way, her method demonstrates that we together are the Bride of Christ.  Vickie’s always running around hanging out with all these groups because we are all interconnected (actually, if left to my own devices, I really don’t care to make new friends). 

Indeed, it is impossible to know everyone, even within a single church building (”Abandon Committees, Skip Teams, and Embrace Communities” by George Bullard), so is there significance in “choosing” a church?  Are we to attend, serve, and gather within one?  What does the modern-day “fellowship of the believers” look like?  I think my problem would be choosing, because many times events have been booked for the same weekend.  Do I even it out?  Or instead, focus?  Still, I remember in the past when someone at FBCC needed a bone marrow transplant due to leukemia; the whole church gathered together.  We have also drawn together to fundraise for missions we support.  And the Chinese churches have gathered together for events as well (although it appears that FBCC does that less than the others).  Our mechanic, dentist, realtor, and family physician all were borne from the network of these Chinese churches.  It’s like “The New Science of Networks” by Albert-Laszlo Barabasi (who wrote it after reading “The Strength of Weak Ties“ by Mark S. Granovetter).

Still, when I went to RecWeek it was a big deal since I didn’t commit myself to InterVarsity but to CCC:EPIC (who has their own similar conference: DWC)–the IV leader went to the CCC leader to make sure they knew about me and it was okay with them!  Actually, it is the close relationships I formed in EPIC, not IV, that continue to live on.  I’ve still visited Josh, sent a card to Jonathan Le, had a few meals with prayers and talks of our spiritual struggles with Marie when she stops in town, and exchanged sparse emails with Iris.  Which reminds me: before the birth of EPIC, Alice and I were part of a CCC cell group.  The concept is that, as it grew, it would split and thus multiply.  We had to decide who we wanted to go with: Ophelia or Kristen.  I couldn’t decide at all.  Eventually, on the Jester steps, Iris poured out her heart and tears and basically begged me to be part of the one she had chosen.  I don’t remember if I had chosen one yet at this point, or if I ended up choosing the one that she asked me to be a part of, but I just remember this particular heart-wrenching moment.  I’ve never felt so loved and accepted.  And then, even leaving a comment on a random Xanga where they just started their own EPIC, I never would have imagined that eventually she would pray for my sins, and then point me (with Rudi) to spent one night of our two-week road trip at a stranger’s apartment.  Not only did this sister in Christ open her place for us and provide hospitality, she also prayed for and over us.

FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS
Luke 15:1-7

Perhaps Josh had a better glimpse of how this all operates when he wrote his journal entry on seasonal friendships.  On the snowboarding trip, not only did I reinforce previous friendships but also forged new ones.  Liz prayed for me when she didn’t even know me, only because she knew I needed the spiritual support.  Now we still exchange postcards and emails.  I haven’t spoken to Ruth since I’ve moved back from El Paso; she was a wonderful roommate.  During the student orientation at UT Austin, somehow I ended up hanging with a Hispanic girl and an African-American guy.  I remember the incident when we were eating some free food in a large banquet hall, and he said that he really stood out.  “Because we’re under the skylight?”  “No, because I’m the only black person in this room.”  It was really nice to not be alone and to share the experience with others in the same boat.  I remember her waving at me later, and he visited my dorm freshman year, but now I don’t even remember his or her names (or faces….).  When we graduated, Sapna gave me an old photograph of when the three of us (including Reena) were in second grade? and I had played this detective game with them by planting clues: ”It takes a long time to grow an old friend.”  Back in high school, Carla Ortiz gave me this:  “Thanks for being my friend & for being the caring person that you are to me.  Your the GREATEST friend.  Happy B-day to a friend that means ALOT to me.”  I remember thinking, this is so out of nowhere!  I don’t recall any conversations we’ve had in the past, and ever since I have not a clue what’s going on with her.  She says I’m such a great friend to her, but how?  I know many times I’m nice to those I really would prefer never to hang out with again, but with her it wasn’t even that….

I remember back in Austin, Timmy Chui wrote about The Atomic Tiers of Friendship haha; wonder where he got his ideas.  Phoebe and Hannah have been gone for a week in Hong Kong and will be gone for another week.  I have been contemplating our relationships since I’ve been back at my parents’ place for the time being.  Phoebe and I grew close first semester of freshman year and then agreed to an accountability relationship thereafter until I moved to El Paso.  Hannah and I gelled a connection after her 22nd birthday while exchanging deep, dark, familiar yet unsimilar, privacies.  We’ve hung out I think usually once a week together on the weekends, but of course it’s not like before.  I think other acquaintances (not “friends”) know more about them than I do at this point.  I’m not exactly pining for the days gone by but rather how to take those spontaneous moments along into the future, how to cultivate the environment for our older selves in new stages, for the sake of the gospel, for our children.

I mentioned that we should be neighbors so our kids can play together.  Linton said, “But you don’t even have a boyfriend!.”  Indeed, I’m not even close to marrying, let alone having children.  I never really got to know my neighbors, but it turns out that I know a little more (thanks to my dad) than Phoebe and Hannah do about theirs (they say they’re new).  Linton has to feed their dog Missy, but it seems that in the past (or at least in media), the neighbor usually handles that role.  As I drive towards Dulles Avenue, I always pass a driveway packed with boys who have grown tall and lanky!  I don’t know who lives there, but I’ve seen African-American guys, Asian-American guys, and white guys all playing basketball together.  When Gilmore Girls first came out, what drew me was not only the intelligent banter but the concept that they lived in a (too) close-knit town.  Everyone would eat at the local Luke’s Diner, and then people could hang out on their front porches and say hello to those walking by.  But they sure had a lot of gossip.  (And, as Phoebe said, when Dean made love to Rory, we were shocked.  So much for a clean series.)  I absolutely adored the neighborhood playground my brother and I frequented as children.  Okay, so maybe this concept is now dangerous in this day and age.  Then you can have those “gated communities” that Jessica/Robert/Rosemery (and my brother) are in (compare with the med center condos that Alison/Wilson/Cindy live in).

MARRIAGE
Ephesians 5:22-33

I always say that I feel more comfortable around guys than girls (verus for Linton he says he grew up feeling more comfortable around girls than guys).  The past few weeks I wonder how I came to that conclusion, both mentally and subconsciously in how I act.  I mean, I hung out with both while in school (and senior year it was a table of all females during lunch, man I miss Arlene and oh, her birthday was this past Sunday), and at church it wasn’t like the guys in my class treated me better than the girls.  I would also say that I have more guy friends than girl friends, yet if I lost my guy friends I would be sad but not as devastated as if I were to lose a friendship with a girl. 

Chris is a prime example.  In fact, I’m almost hesitant to call him a friend.  Is he more of a…frequent acquaintance?  Seriously, the only reason we hang out is through Linton (and satellite friends).  I have a [funny] birthday card that he gave me freshman year.  Little did I know then how rare that is.  Yet he’s probably going to be one of Linton’s groomsman, and I did invite him to my birthday dinner, I guess to even it out.  I also invited Nathan Kim, and we rarely talk.  In fact, we just see each other at football and usually don’t even exchange words.  But I know if I am in need of prayer or other help, he will respond, as he always emails back amidst his numerous activities.  And then there are Andrew, Nathan, and Inch.  Well, I haven’t been in contact with them for quite a long time now, but it’s okay.  I think I feel closer to them than the other people I’ve met from football simply because I met them through Vickie, and somehow that changed the dynamics in how I associate with them, like sending them Christmas cards.

Haha, remember when Tina Chen thought that David Kalloor and I were dating because he’d come over so often freshman year before either of us made many new friends?  It never occurred to me, and I never ever did/will have that thought concerning him.  Whereas with Siwei we, I have no idea how, hit it off right off the bat (where/when/who).  I could tell him everything that I tell my brother–that’s how close I felt with him.  But I barely met him.  At first I clung to thinking, “What does it mean to know my husband?” but like friendships, there are those you just click with and those you don’t.  So I’ve let go of that.  When I said no in Austin to a sweet guy who asked me out, he asked if it was because he didn’t believe in God.  “No, I’m just not attracted to you.”  Somehow, I didn’t feel it.  

Although, I think that has to do with our current culture.  If parents don’t approve of your choice nowadays, that’s usually overlooked instead of trying to reconcile.  In past customs (like the dowry) and in prevailing traditions (like the father “giving away” the daughter) though, it’s really a relationship between the two families, if not also between/within churches (The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony by Pamela Paul), dating with the approval of your community, who is in the place to help you weigh in the other factors of values and also keep you accountable.  That’s probably why Erwin and I are somewhat okay when thinking about arranged marriages.  I think the problem occurs when they make matches due to affluence and distinguishment, etc, as all humans end up messing up good systems.  My question to myself is, “If a guy I highly respect were to ask me but I just wasn’t feeling it, even after multiple extended rendezvous, would I accept?”  I think this is the wisdom I need to ask God about: the ability to discern whether an obstacle is the result of the need for discipline/perseverance (hurdle) or is the result of the need for a detour/fork (wall).  That’s what I’ve been trying to consider about waking up early, memorizing verses, personality in socializing, planning (using a planner works great for me, but Jennifer Lin says it doesn’t help her at all), kit with relatives, exercising, friendships as mentioned above, love languages….

PURPOSE
John 17:4

Last Wednesday, we met for FBCC Ladies’ Group.  The overall concensus was, we have no idea where we are headed and how our stories will end on earth and continue in heaven.  Many are figuring out whether to change to an entirely new area of study, or at least a new job within their current finished schooling.  The competition rises each year it seems among valedictorians/salutatorians, and I am amazed at just how ambitious and passionate they appear to be; you wonder if they will reach it, and if they will find satisfaction in reaching it.  As the dark clouds slowly dissipate, at times an epiphany or some clarity will shine through, but then it quickly disappears and I’m in a fog again, but still in a better state for seeing it.  I’m usually at peace when I think that I will be married while going about the house, how I’ve always vaguely but contentedly imagined it, helping supporting supplementing whatever he endeavors.  Despite that, Proverbs 31 had always bothered me, but even now the Proverbs 31 woman is now a celebration and challenge.  This always-wife desire and this in-the-Bible-but-doesn’t-seem-right disenchantment is finally coming together.  I guess I didn’t realize that it made me feel intimidated, incompetent, hopeless, exhausted (in my own power) like reading the goals of the graduates.  Instead, as God is making us perfect, as women He is making us her (His power with our participation), in our own unique ways. 

Of course, having “peace” doesn’t always mean I’m on the right track, but again you can’t discount it either.  I get restless when I think that I have been blessed beyond what I could’ve asked or imagined and with that comes the stewardship of making great strides for His kingdom (and thus even before believing but being raised in church, missions was always attractive to my naive eyes).  The thing is, ultimately we are to obey and glorify, NOT to change the world.  I think it is in this that I am transitioning from abstractness into something more pragmatic, as I am slowly lifted out and glean the gems that can only be understood from coming out of trip-ups, temptations, and trials.  I was all tangled up in my buzz words of community/friends/romance/vulnerability/missions/reconciliation/prayer, I’ve forgotten to “look up!”  I’ve been trying to figure out what God has given me a gift in, where God has placed my passions in, and how it could all work in this current culture, but conclusively regardless of techniques and training, the umph will be from God.  

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.  Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.  All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.  For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! (Philippians 3:7-16, Romans 11:36).

AMEN.

Unintentional

I stopped by the basketball court to shoot some hoops.  I chatted with Elliot on the phone about agenda and movies.  Then I dropped by Ben and Jerry’s to see David Kalloor before he left back for Austin.  Chris, Hannah, Linton, and Phoebe were there.  Phoebe apologized profusely to me, and I accepted.  David gave hugs.

Then, I went to watch Vickie play her first and only flag football game in the tournament.  She’s on Robert Hwang’s team, the Roaring Tigers.  Wilson of course had his Titans going.  I snuck up on Tiffany, who complimented me on my haircut.  James waved hello.  I sat next to Karin, who was there with her brother John and kites.  I talked some with David Zhao’s girlfriend Tammy.  I ended up cheering for the Tigers because Tiffany Lin, David Zhao, Annie, and Vickie were on that team, plus they had never won a game yet.  Annie’s sister stood in until Cynthia showed up.  Cynthia picked Jeff Tang to play for the Titans since they were missing a player (they were missing a lot, actually).  Inch made some good runs.  I ran/walked two laps around the park with Lisa.  Then we sat on her baby-blue blanket from IKEA.  Vickie asked James Hsia about his car.  Ed’s wife (Kara Wong’s sister) commented on how shallow the conversation was, so James shared that he was reading/memorizing a passage, which he recited to Vickie.

I finally gave Wilson the magic cards, haha.  I thought I was going to leave then, but then Vickie and Ed’s wife (Kara Wong’s sister) said they only had ten plays left.  Well, the Open League’s teams played after the Closed League played (more girls).  Haha, Robert Chan stepped out because he’s not that into sports.  He (he says appears swollen even after two weeks) told Chi-Chi to ask me about her jammed finger.  Jeff Chen, Nathan Kim, and Erin Pang were all on the Open League, too.  In fact, Erin’s the only girl (Joanne Wei was, but when she realized how intense it was, she dropped out) on the team, and by the end of the day she had fractured her pinky finger.  I watched as Rosemery walked their newly owned young dog (”like having to take care of a child”) who was playing with another person’s dog.

We went to Fuddruckers.  Vickie and I arrived at the same time, coincidentally.  She ordered the long hot dog, and I got the S’room combo (I shouldn’t have gotten the fries after all, oh well, starving since I didn’t eat lunch).  I got my food fast, before those who ordered before me.  As I sat down, Aaron Fu introduced himself to me (after Vickie introduced herself to him).  He ended up talking much with Lindi, who sat to my right (he sat in front of her).  Actually, one time he leaned over and whispered something in her ear, to which Jasmine (who sat at the head of the table to my left) asked if they would share with us.  The two of them just smiled.  Aaron has traveled a lot growing up.  Alan Bennett sat in front of me.  I think the three of us had a decent conversation going: Alan says his family celebrates Chinese holidays but not all out, Jasmine asked me about how I met Jocelyn Chen, the two of them talked about.  To Lindi’s right sat Lisa, who was sitting next to Vickie, who were talking with Robert Chan, Chi-Chi, and the Jeffs.  Jeff Chen shared about him leading a small group.  There wasn’t enough room so Wilson, Robert Hwang, Cynthia, and Tiffany sat at a booth and James, John, and Karin sat at another booth.  I left before everyone, at 9:30 because Mom called.

BTPC: Final

Monday, April 21, 2008.  Rick’s recovering from attending the wedding (of Dr. Barber, psychiatrist, and Dr. Romero, psychologist) so he didn’t come in today.  Since Dr. Barber’s going to be gone for a month on his honeymoon, Dr. Coverdale covered rounds with us this morning.  Before I knew it, the morning was pretty much gone (around 10 or 10:30).  I don’t even know how it happened, because I had imagined that it felt dragged out, but it didn’t.  *Shrug*  I performed another KELS (she all-of-a-sudden put her head down and didn’t respond), had lunch, then administered the other KELS (to the one with GAD), as requested by Dr. Camp.  In the evening, Jeff picked me up to watch the Rockets game.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008.  Rick came back so Sally showed us the photographs she took :-D.  At home, Vickie told me about Jennifer Chung.  Her first original song, “Very Last Time,” if it were by one of the major pop artists I probably wouldn’t look twice, but this is an unsigned, rejected-from-American-Idol, Korean-American living in California who wrote and sang it!  I also baked Angel Food Cake (the bigger batch with pineapple as directed by Tiffany Lin and the smaller experimental batch with cocoa).  “Vicky is my UT friend I told you about that is at UTSA grad school for kinesiology.  She very nicely said that you can ask her questions about UTSA and becoming a PT” LOL!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008.  I attended rounds then finished writing up my last KELS.  Jennifer had a doctor’s appointment around noon so she again couldn’t join us (long awaited doctor’s appointment) as we went out to Black Walnut Cafe for my last week here.  Tiffani drove Elderine and me, while Sally drove Theo, Rick, and Janet.  Rick paid for my lunch and then offered to buy me dessert, so I picked the German chocolate cake ($6?) since the woman in front of us chose that.  I told them I brought angel food cake (which Jennifer had tasted in the morning for breakfast and loved the chocolate flavor).  When we came back from lunch, I had missed giving one of my patients her creatively painted pig (with specks of brown for mud/dirt).  Oh well.  I showed an informational video on bipolar disorder, which was ended early due to disinterest from the patients, haha.  I honestly couldn’t say much for one guy because really right now he looks normal, and Rick agrees, although he reminded me about the presenting incident, which I had forgotten to ask him about.  This is what the patient explained to me, since had told the doctor he felt he was getting better, but told me that really he’s saying that so he can get out (he’s here involuntarily).  The patient said that if someone kept saying I was a lesbian (and he reassured me that he wasn’t labeling me that), and that unless I accepted and said that I indeed believed I was a lesbian then I could go outside, then I would comply as well.  In the end, it would either be me still believing I was a heterosexual and just on the surface acknowledging I was a lesbian, or I would be brainwashed and be convinced out of repetition that I was in fact attracted to girls and not guys.  Anyway, later Rick sat in as I evaluated a new guy, probably to see if I had improved in that arena, since it was my weak point.  Linton had sent out an evite about going to see the iFest, Lucy, Hermann Park, and Star Pizza on Saturday - wow.  I went to bed at 9 pm.

Thursday, April 24, 2008.  Janet was early because she had to prepare for the psych booth of the health fair (which Rick helped to set up and Elderine/Tiffani/Jennifer also helped).  I called the PT about one of our patients who had problems walking recently (new decompensation) for some reason.  I did my last rounds, and my last cooking group (which accumulated 68 RVUs for Rick since Janet was busy with the health fair).  During lunch we had free lunch from the fair, and I also went around grabbing some free items.

Friday, April 25, 2008.  Rick again negotiated the groups so I could finish early.  I could leave at lunch, but I joined them and actually tried the angel food cake I had brought.  Rick showed me his FWPE scores to him and announced that I had passed the rotation, YAY!  Then I could leave, but not until after I filled out the evaluation of the rotation form and turned it in.  Rick and Tiffani said that all the other students were out the door the second the signal was given.  I also had to say goodbye to my patients (even the new one I evaluated today haha), the nurses (Loida said to call them once in awhile), the psych techs (Victor keeps saying that I’m always one of the first to work with the difficult patients), even the new med students (Bo, Lan Lan, and Charlotte).  My patients were so nice, came up to me and said that were very grateful for the help I gave them (I thought they didn’t feel I helped them that much, especially one who kept making comments that we were keeping her here longer than she wanted).  And Jennifer was super sweet, even giving me a card and apologizing for not giving me a gift card to Starbucks or something!  Since Rick let me leave early, I decided to see the CSI exhibit.  My parents took me to Old Place Cafe to celebrate LOL.  But w00t! the Rockets won their first win (finally!) on the Jazz court, 94-92, last night.  Just reading it while waiting for the food to come got me nervous, it was such a close game!

Easter

As one who professes to have died and now live for the resurrected Christ, this should perhaps be the most crucial celebration.  However, I did not go to church this morning to join the fellowship of my community, nor did I reflect or rejoice on my own with Him.  Instead, I followed suit in being the busiest person in the world (”When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else–we are the busiest people in the world.” -Eric Hoffer).  That has been my habit lately.  Nonetheless, by the end of the weekend, I couldn’t but help contemplate, if only briefly:

• Romantic tensions.  “Hello.”
• Changing versus challenging another
• Growing old, side by side
• Guys will be guys, after all
• Meeting the Thumball: http://www.catch32ball.com/images/Thumball_PressRelease.doc
• What makes me mad?

BTPC: Week 7

This week is spring break for many people, including the social worker.  That means the social worker on Team C has to look over both Team B and Team C patients (follow-up appointments, possible placement options, etc.).  Obviously she can’t participate in both Teams’ rounds, so Rick reminded me to inform her of who’s being discharged and whatnot when I hear that information.

Monday, March 17, 2008.  One patient was discharged on Friday and now he’s back!  Man, that sucks.  Another patient was “forced” to leave because he started saying (i.e. making up?) symptoms so he could stay here longer (he probably won’t do well if he leaves, functional-level wise).  We finally met up with a patient’s significant other (family meeting) to get the other side of the story of one patient who’s quite a mystery to us all (psychosis? depression? schizophrenia? drugs?).  One patient left pretty quickly today, so I had to catch him on the elevator.  I was sort of on edge because when he came in he was on 2:1, but then I thought, but they’re just letting him go outside, so it should be safe :-)  He’s a charmer, haha.  Rick also encouraged me to teach another patient how to dress using just one limb.  I don’t even think about physical dysfunction anymore wow.  But I did remember the steps because we had to pretend to be a patient while I was taking the class in school, so I remember it clearly.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t think of anything regarding pulling the hair back into a ponytail with one arm.  For dinner, my parents and I ate at Old Place Cafe (although we parked in front of CoCo’s, haha - changed mind).  We said hello to Grace Hsiau’s dad, who was there by himself.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008.  Today’s Janet’s birthday!  Boo, ANOTHER patient returns (yesterday’s guy has schizophrenia most likely, this girl has mania no doubt).  I actually evaluated a patient with another patient’s help in translation, hehe.  Well, as the patient translator could tell obviously, this new patient was too disorganized to really answer anything, even “do you have pain?”.  In the afternoon I showed the patient (my translator haha) a book that Sally gave me to share:  [I forgot and can't find if I had written it down, grrr, it's about living with one arm in a two-arm world].  I tried to engage a patient in a game because he’s very distracted, or even in looking through a magazine and tearing out pages he liked, but to no avail.  I engaged another patient in a card game, and she was so surprisingly pleasant, even telling me to go eat lunch but also stating that if I had time later she would love to continue playing.  I did, this time making a bigger effort to convince her that her delusions are just that, but of course she started getting agitated so I backed off.  Afterwards, Tiffany Lin picked me up and we ate dinner at Van Loc with everyone else (excluding me) who was going to the Rockets game.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008.  In the morning Rick bought me breakfast (I picked a croissant which actually wasn’t that good but of course I didn’t say anything) as we checked over the patient education materials that were going to be discussed this morning.  We chatted a little: turns out intially all he wanted to do was rehab, and he got a job, but during that interval before his first day, he got this psych job, loved it, and stuck with it.  The meeting itself was quite long-winded, especially doing all the corrections regarding the rules/regulations for the 3D and 3E nurseries (reminded me of my peds rotation).  We just missed the shuttle so we had to wait half an hour for it to return; when it finally came around we hopped on before it made the U-turn because it was so windy cold.  The two ladies talked about their weekend.  Rick joined in, saying that he went to Kemah over the weekend with his family in town, and he paid $5 for a nasty-tasting hot dog.  They were saying how everything is higher priced nowadays.  Jokingly, that since Ben Taub has zoo passes that are given to patients for free admission, we could scalp them LOL.

We had lunch at Hungry’s since we could….  They “forced” Jennifer to come, even though she wanted to stay behind, all alone, eating her homemade lunch (she usually buys out) of cooked tilapia, steamed cauliflower, etc.  When we came back we played bean bag, then I tried to play cards, dominoes, anything with one Spanish-speaking patient.  She just kept saying, “No puedo” for some reason, even for simply pushing the first domino for the subsequent dominoes to fall.  I spent downtime trying to call for next Wednesday (field trip).  At home I stumbled upon All Over Coffee.

Thursday, March 20, 2008.  As I got off 292 this morning in front of the log cabin, there was a couple of light honks, so I turned around to see Sally (with Rick in her passenger seat) shouting to me, “Did you wear red?”  LOL.  She and Rick did, and Elderine did as well, coincidentally.  Basically yesterday afternoon Janet and Sally were saying how it’s nice to have new employees because they volunteer for everything and believe everything, so that if they were to say it was wear-red day, Jennifer would comply.  I guess it’s an omen for a good day ;-) eh?  Ping Lau came to check up on us, and of course he’s rooting for me to come fill some of their job openings since he’s seen me in peds AND psych.  I pulled out the parachute and Rick and Sally found it would be a nice change from their usual games.  It really brightened up one of our look-down-on-the-ground patients. 

Rick’s car’s steering wheel pulley had problems.  He had made a stop in the morning and fortunately a guy came and observed and commented that he could fix it up since it turned out he was a mechanic!  So Rick left right before lunch to have it fixed.  During lunch, they were talking about gambling (since Dr. Barber’s bachelor party is in Vegas) and timeshares.  After lunch I asked a Spanish-speaking patient to point out the date on the calendar in the day area, and she pointed to April 15 (tax day) hehe.  I played the football-on-a-string (the one we used in Guatemala) with a patient–a real arm workout for both of us.  We were both sleepy afterwards lol.  As I was leaving, one patient asked me to bring her information about Madagascar and quantum physics.  Okay..sure….  I tried to catch Jennifer for a ride home, but I couldn’t find her.  Still, it wasn’t bad, because the bus came at 5:05 so I was home by 5:40.

Friday, March 21, 2008.  I tried to research a new leisure activity for our therapeutic activity group, but the system blocks “games” as a search term.  We just played basketball again, and then extended bingo in the afternoon.  Jocelyn came to visit! with her mom and daughter Ceriana.  I showed one patient (who’s name reminds me of an old Stafford classmate) how to play Sudoku, but of course since I’m not exactly a pro myself, she didn’t really catch on that quickly - she returned to her word searches LOL (I don’t blame her).    I talked with a patient about his CAH (command auditory hallucinations) and it’s possible link to his lack of social interaction, which he admits to isolating himself (What’s it like hearing voices others can’t hear by Ralph Hoffman).  I also stumbled upon how to diffuse grandiose delusions ([had it open on monitor at work but distracted and went away and person using the computer after me closed the website, boo!]).  Anyway, yes, I work tomorrow! (That was sarcasm.) 

Irish luck

Aw, the Rockets lost to the Celtics tonight, breaking our 22-game winning streak (so the streak is flanked on both sides by the Celtics).

After work, Tiffany Lin picked me up.  I had planned to walk to the restaurant early (for tonight) and then take the bus home, but she was really concerned for me (waiting aimlessly at the restaurant, then taking the bus at night) so this was the plan that ensued.  She had just finished exercising so when we got to her apartment she took a shower.  She said that one time she messed up her lower limb from the stairs, and another time it was already messed up so she needed a friend to help her up the stairs all the time. 

Her room was interesting because she has no desk!  She said that she gave the bigger room to her roommate, and also because she doesn’t study at home so she doesn’t need a desk in her room.  On her bed was her baby blanket, the same exact one that I have at home!  She asked to make sure, but it also had a zipper on the edge (so he could be zipped into a mini sleeping back).  Yeup.  It’s the yellow one with the bears on it.  She has a photo album with random photographs and recipes.  She also has a recipe group from a school, where there were contributions from everyone.  I liked to peruse her book titles.  She has this gigantic Rice Univeristy graduation diploma framed on the wall.  She says it was ridiculously priced due to the material (sheepskin?) and size. 

When she came out, we chatted.  She asked if I wanted to watch TV, which I didn’t.  She says she rarely watches TV because she doesn’t want to get sucked into a series and she just isn’t home when a show is broadcasting.  She shared about her past, which I was interested since I don’t know anything about her (and was piqued when she was Grace..Ou’s bridesmaid and she sent a picture of snow from Maryland).  She got into Rice’s go-directly-into-med-school-without-the-MCAT program so she didn’t have to stress about that.  She was commenting how anyone could know what they want to do when they grow up, that she was simply fortunate enough to have guessed it right.  She says she misses the sports from the East Coast, like lacrosse. 

Then it was time to meet at Wilson’s.  We briefly chatted with Andrew, David, and Robert Hwang, whose car we four piled into (not Andrew or Wilson).  Alison showed up at Wilson’s just as we were carpooling to Van Loc.  Going around the table, it was Tiffany, Cynthia, Nathan Kim, Andrew, James Hsia, Wilson, Alison, David Zhao, and Robert.  Aw, Alison is by herself with the guys.  Later, Liang wedged in between Tiffany and me (they ordered for her).  Since I had ended up next to Robert, I finally got to see the “normal” side of him.  He was born in Houston but moved to Oklahoma when he was one year old.  He became a teacher and accepted a job as a high school orchestra teacher (through connections since there’s not many openings for that).  Well, his parents moved back to Houston since his younger brother’s here for medical school, which helped him meet BASIC.  He decided to move here as well since his family was here and he had experienced this community.  The only drawback was leaving where he grew up as well as his nice job.  He is currently an elementary school music teacher (he prefers his old job, that’s what he really likes).

We ate quickly and paid because they had to get to the Toyota Center to watch the game.  My fortune cookie said: “Your winsome smile will be your sure protection.”  It better be.  I waited in the restaurant’s oustide-but-covered/walled room (chairs were stacked up).  When my parents picked me up, I let Tiffany know I was safe.  I came home, read the comics, then tried to figure out next Wednesday’s schedule.

The weekend after Pi Day