Cult of Personality: Thoughts

I just finished reading this book I borrowed from Hannah during her birthday gathering, and I am absolutely shocked at the validity and reliability they ascribe to personality tests!  They dictate themselves as evidence in courts and act as pivotable factors in placing children in schools and adults in employment.  I can’t believe it.  My first exposure to this as I can remember was back in sophomore year of college (my last year in Austin) when I took Abnormal Psychology.  Two memories stick out: one being the guest speaker Eli, and the other being the MBTI.  Eli used to be a female named Liz and he just shared how he came to accept himself and decided on the sensitive over the aesthetic “machinery.” 

I posted my reaction on xanga when finding out I was an ISTP.  I viewed it as a horoscope because it doesn’t really describe all of me very well but it has some good points, but I’m sure I could find that in the other fifteen descriptions.  I remember thinking maybe I should read all of them and highlight what describes me.  Whichever has the most highlights describes me the best and is “my type.”

In El Paso we had to take the “test” again during an OT class, and I took a few unofficial tests online as well, and my “type” has always been ISTP (some say theirs change depending on the time of day and where they are in life, and others (e.g. Lucy) say they have made a complete 180-degree change, like say I would become an ENFJ).  I’m not sure what to think of it, but for all these different times for it to describe as ISTP, I found that pretty impressive.  Of course, answering the statements is how I perceive myself, which could be wrong.  Justin Shih then shared this current passion with everyone on the ski/snowboarding trip, so it carried over for a bit afterwards.

Then after my depression and I felt my counselor was gently bashing introverts, I went crazy with reading all about personalities, especially regarding “introversion” and anything of the like (e.g. The Highly Sensitive Person).  I was indeed like Isabel Myers in believing “It is not too much to hope that wider and deeper understanding of the gifts of diversity may eventually reduce the misuse and nonuse of those gifts.  It should lessen the waste of potential, the loss of opportunity, and the number of dropouts and delinquents.  It may even help with the prevention of mental illness.”  I was really excited, although of course I always hold back in being too excited about anything (including with God Himself - my constant doubts).  At that point in my life, reading The Introvert Advantage, for example, I had that “aha” reaction: “an expression of delight that so often came with a person’s recognition of some aspect of their personality identified by the Indicator…. the earth moves, the heavens open, the world suddenly makes sense.”  

As you can see, I fall into the “there’s definitiely something about this Indicator” group.  So do Andrew Eng and Justin (”These are the people who immediately figure out the type of everyone they know, whose everyday speech becomes an alphabet soup of Indicator acronyms, who can explain just about every situation they encounter with reference to the types of the individuals involved.  Once their infatuation is in full bloom, type devotees may seek out others who share their passion”).  And then there are those who aren’t so hot towards it (e.g. Vickie and Hannah).  Although I’m not so hot that it’s even used in the “religious” world (i.e. Linton and Phoebe had to take it for the InterVarsity core team, and Vickie had to take a different kind (temperaments) for her mission trip to Hawaii).  Maybe it’s more to spark discussion and to try to understand each other better.  I think Justin and my brother have a good grasp of its possibilities and its limits.

I do agree that “It will not do to assume that certain jobs can be successfully handled only by a narrowly limited range of character types” because “people of radically different types can adapt themselves to perform, adequately enough, a wide variety of complex tasks.”  I wasn’t valedictorian because I was uber good at any of it! I worked hard.  And so did/does Charlene at accounting.  I definitely do NOT believe that “there’s no bad worker and no bad workplace, only a bad ‘fit’ between the two.  It’s a conveniently fatalistic philosophy: workers can’t be trained in new skills or grow into new responsibilities, and workplaces can’t be expected to accommodate their developing needs and abilities.”  Employers and the corporations they work for indeed have the responsibility to take care of its employees, for their growth, prevention, and the like.  But I also believe that some of us have the opportunity to understand ourselves better and find a job that will be enjoyed more, where we will really shine. 

“Why do so many people fall in love with the MBTI?  One of its principal attractions is no doubt its reassuring confirmation of what we already know about ourselves.”  And that it’s not “sin” but just difference, just like males and females are different and still equal.  So I don’t see what’s bad about this statement; it admits that the MBTI does at least some sort of satisfactory job in describing people.  ”Another aspect is its comforting stability (as cozy and familiar as an old sweater) because a person’s type does not change.  It instantly confers a clear, firm identity, often just at the moment when it is most needed: when people are switching jobs, looking for a partner, feeling lost and purposeless.”  Well, I definitely was/am feeling lost and purposeless, and I do believe nature grants you a certain base–but nurture plays a big part as well, so we can change.  Indeed, God promises that we will be transformed, and yet still be uniquely “me.”  I’ve definitely witnessed those who have grown in Christ being holier and yet are undeniably the person I grew up with (e.g. Ben Miu).

“And Myers’s relentlessly positive orientation ensures that everyone’s permanent personality is a good one.  It also offers an attractive way to understand relationships with others.  No longer complicated and mysterious, friends, family, and acquaintances are now easily understood with reference to their types: ‘She’s a total ESFP.’  Conflicts are not due to genuine differences of opinion or interest, but simply to the divergent ways various types comprehend and communicate.”  I don’t understand this last one.  I do agree that different people see the world differently, interpret it differently and thus many conflicts ARE due to miscommunication. 

“It lets people know that they’re not alone.”  Isn’t that one of the major things about everything under the sun?  From finding a lifemate to suffering from cancer to believing in God?  You are not alone.  But yes, it doesn’t have research to back it up, and it doesn’t have the authority that it’s ascribed such as in courts and professional circles.  That’s disturbing….

Daniel 11:35

I’ve been trying to incorporate more exercise into my daily routine in order to better focus on studying (and combat depression and be healthier overall).  I asked Lisa Leu (she lives about five minutes away) to run with me at the Dulles track (so as to prevent knee erosion) and today was our first time.  We met at Mamie George Branch Library so I could show her where to go.  When we arrived, there were a lot of African-American people (and some other ethnicities).  It appeared they were there for a race.  I wanted to turn back (can I blame social phobia?), but Lisa asked one of the men if we could use the track.  He was a jokester and teased us saying we could run many kilmeters.  Apparently they had just finished a race.  We walk a lap to warm up (and wait until everyone left) before stretching and starting our first lap jogging.  Nearing the end, Lisa asked to stop, but I said we could at least finish one lap.  Then we started walking.  And talking.  She is on HCC BASIC’s steering committee this year (along with Andrew, James, Jesslyn, and Robert).  A large part of our conversation turned to community and inclusivity.  I ask her about her past (she left Taiwan at the age of 12 to Virginia, then California, then Dallas, then Houston).  I ask her her testimony (she’s one of those “always believed” kind of gals), and she asked me mine.  She offered to pray for me regarding studying, taking, and passing my NBCOT exam.  

Oh yeah, and she’s also one of those gals who tend to be very..”girly” she describes herself, and…hopeful, trusting, steadfast in her faith.  In other words, very different from someone like me who more readily identifies with “Doubting” Thomas.  Not that it’s a bad thing of any of us, as long as by the end we all proclaim, “My Lord and my God!” (John 20:28).  She basically attributes anything to God, and after a few “explanations” to her I found myself saying “It was all God’s doing” and related statements.  I felt kind of funny about it because I’m not used to that (and was I also trying to “keep up” with her?), but also I think because a part of me really likes to suck the awe out of many phenomena.  Positively, to point out all the facts and then view it with a better understanding, for me it’s even more amazing on God’s part!

One of the things we talked about last last week was our experience(s) in dating.  Amidst the discussion, I was asked why I’ve only had one romantic relationship though I reported feeling comfortable around guys.  Up until maybe a few months ago, I’ve only been asked by guys who don’t believe in God (yes, my options are becoming better, just need to hold out a little longer, eh? lol).  Nonetheless, I think perhaps that is due to me being around hanging out with so many guys.  And deeper still, I’ve come to realize that I may be pretty closed off, not to guys (because I love guys) but to feelings in general:

friend:  i like the romanticism
me:  i’m turning around to it
friend:  you dont like it?
me: kinda cynical, i guess?
  or
  the other night we had dinner
  and i think “feelings” are very foreign to me
friend:  hm why do you think
  or… i mean, well youve dated before
  did you not have feelings then?
me: but then, i was all depressed
  so when ___ came along, i basically decided to throw myself into it
  regardless of the consequences
friend:  so whys it so foreign to think that you could feel the same way for another person
  you would rather not try at all than to try and risk getting heartbroken?
me: well, i wasn’t conciously doing it back then
  like, “amy, build wall so i won’t get heartbroken”
  but right now, i realize i really didn’t give “feelings” a fair chance in anything
friend:  lol
  well…feelings are fleeting
me: probably a big part of how i ended up becoming depressed
  yes, they are, but they have their rightful place
  and i wasn’t giving them the credit due them

This not only includes limerance but also anger, anxiety, sadness, disappointment, even happiness, amusement, you name it!  So much so that I don’t know how to handle them at all; I deny that I feel them.  Only recently have I accepted the challenge to process and put them into words.  You know how it is with the immigrant Asian parents (most of them that I know).  You try to ask them about their past, or how they’re feeling, and it’s like I’m talking alien.  So having copied that, and adding a good dose of my own tendencies, I’ve gone too far on the end of the spectrum.  Counseling was fail, so I took things into my own hands and am slowly figuring things out:  “As stress increases, ‘learned behavior’ tends to give way to the natural style, so the ISTP will behave more according to type when under greater stress, such as withdrawing from people, sorting out detailed points that could perhaps wait, and ignoring their feelings.  Under extreme stress, the ISTP’s shadow may appear, a negative form of ENFJ.  Example characteristics include displaying intense feelings towards others, insisting on things being done without any logical basis, being very sensitive to criticism, having a gloomy view of the future, and attributing unrealistic negative meaning to others’ actions or statements.” 

When I flew to New Jersey without telling anybody to see my first..boyfriend (haha, what a weird label), I was at one of my lowest points in my life.  After I confessed to my parents and friends, I still felt “not right.”  The entire time I tried to convince myself out of doing it, even with my fellow spiritual brothers and sisters’ help, but the truth that it didn’t work is because part of me would do it all over again, and that scares me.  Being so vulnerable at the time (and foolish, headstrong, and impulsive), let’s just say that if he wanted to have sex, he would’ve gotten in.  And oh my, the shame I would have to deal with!  I thank God every day that He didn’t let me put myself in the hands of someone who didn’t care about me, someone who could’ve taken full advantage of me.  I was pretty reckless, so I knew I’d be caught eventually, even though I think I felt bad for being caught (reputation?) and not for doing what I did (grieving God, my family, and my friends). 

I brought up my concern with my brother, who said, out of experience, that the remorse will come in due time.  I’m not sure what I was looking for, but I sure don’t look forward to that time, because who wants to feel guilty?  Even if it is godly (2 Corinthians 7:8-10), not many people I know wants to go through the fire to the purified part (Malachi 3:2-3).  But the part that wants to do it all over again is getting smaller and smaller.  And yes, my knowledge that I will reap the consequences of those actions in my marriage is growing because I did indeed “arouse or awaken love [before] it so desires” (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4).  Right now, I’m so glad that the way God let me fall forced me to be open with my close family and friends (interesting that some who are depressed only tell their families, and others only tell their friends) so I won’t have to go through trying to tiptoe around them until I break (again).  I hope I’ve learned the lesson well this time around so that there won’t be some even more drastic fall in the future for me!

Some of the wise will stumble, so that they may be refined, purified and made spotless until the time of the end, for it will still come at the appointed time.

List: Books

I’ve been pretty ravenous about media consumption this past week.  Monday I watched The Day the Earth Stood Still (directed by Robert Wise) from Elliot.  I finished A Wrinkle in Time on Thursday (after reading a few pages to start me off the day before from waiting at Walmart while my dad switched out his bicycle).  It was my first time reading it, and it wasn’t too bad at all (my caveat was that Meg annoyed me:  “Just shut up already!” was what I was thinking haha).  Yesterday I watched His Girl Friday (suggested by/borrowed from Elliot) with Hannah.  It’s not your typical romantic comedy (1940).  Charm (Cary Grant) really does win girls over, even when we know it involves all that trickery.  But the way they showed it, of course, made it feel like harmless fun and teasing.  Sometimes you gotta watch out for those old movies.  Yesterday I also ended up typing up an inventory of my books.  A bookshelf really reveals the interests and life of another, or at least I found that it does me. 

This morning, Hannah invited me to the monthly booksale put on by the First Colony Library: $1 hardbacks and $0.50 paperbacks unless otherwise priced.  I ended up with a bunch of books in my arms, including The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron.  I’ve started it and I think I like it better than The Introvert Advantage by Marti Laney.  It’s not books that are, omg! that I would go around raving.  But, they are right for me at this point in my life.  I was pretty beat up in El Paso–what with the Mexican culture, the predominating extroverts loving bars (which I hate)–definitely feeling out of sorts.  So I guess this week I’ve just non-planningly been doing the things I enjoy: books, movies, stories, art, and spirituality.  I’ve said before that I think that I’ve never felt angry towards God (not only because I probably deny and trick myself) because I’ve never really felt close to Him (even though I’ve always known, and it’s obvious looking around, that He definitely hasn’t abandoned me but instead has continued to bless).  But I’m pretty content right now.  I really wish I could impart to you just how satisfied I feel this instance.  I’m enjoying the moment.  “So happy.”

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

Princess Nausicaa

Friday.  Christina Tam and I met at Borders so we could carpool to watch Slant.  Craig Wen and Brian Thao-Huane were there, too.  I skipped out on FBCC’s monthly social: Iron Chef!  The secret ingredient was mango, and I heard the results were better than expected.  Jacky called at around 9pm to ask if I could watch their belongings while they did a run the next morning.  Uh..sure….

Saturday.  Christina and I again met at Borders to carpool to Jacky’s apartment, where Ted drove us four to be at Minute Maid Park at 7am.  They prepared, clipping on their running numbers, drinking water in the small cups being passed out, and stretching amongst the air “people” that would occasionally hit us (the way the air was blown and all).  We saw a man on stilts pretend he was a super-tall person, making balloon animals.  The girl and guy bunny suits wearing Astros attire came around to take pictures with the kids and whoever else wanted.  I’ve never participated in this sort of thing, so Jacky explained how it worked.  He paid $25 to participate, but they would get two free Astros tickets with an option of choosing from four games in the future (June 10, 11, 24, and/or 25).  They give you a timer that will start as soon as you step onto their carpet they have at the starting line and would stop when you step on the carpet at the finish line.  Some runs ask you to return the trakcer/timer, but this time they said the runners/walkers could keep it.  This is Ted’s first time, and afterwards he looked pretty winded (was it his knee, since he had a brace on? didn’t ask).  Jacky ran ahead.  Denver stayed with Ted. 

Christina needed coffee, so we walked around downtown.  We saw the “oasis” in front of Christ Church Cathedral–Christina couldn’t believe such a nice place in the middle of downtown.  She said she’d still feel unsafe walking around by herself, if I wasn’t with her.  I also saw some people waiting outside the Urban League.  We finally found this free-standing building all by itself on one side of the street to be Starbucks (good thing we used the map that the city provides atop the sidewalk, thank you Houston!).  At 8am, I bought her a drink (a grande mmchip frapp for $4.50), then we rested for a few minutes (she was carrying her papers to be graded in a backpack, then she volunteered to also carry Jacky’s, Ted’s, and my belongings–heavy!).  We headed back, realizing the run had pretty much ended (that was fast).  We had to walk all the way around since the doors were locked.  When we entered, a wave of stench (sweat and gym) hit my nose (never liked that smell).  Denver saw us, and Jacky encouraged us to get some food (he had his shirt off–not that it was attractive because I barely glanced, but that always makes me feel uncomfortable for some reason).  I stood in line for some lettuce wrap with meat on top (reminds me of that Chinese dish).  Jacky said there were also kolaches, so I stood in line for that.  They lady said, “Ham and cheese?”  Sure.  “Two?”  Sure….  JT said hi, and I think his girlfriend is Heidi.  She looks really familiar but I don’t know why.  Khon-Whey Tay was there with his two friends (they’re a couple of..Asian Indian descent?).  I wanted some fruit and found a pear within the tubs of water/ice/water bottles.  Was it supposed to be there?  I put it back, unsure of it’s cleanliness.  Later, after seeing many runners carrying fruit,  I realized I could use the water from the bottled water to clean it, but the pear was not there anymore.  Ah well.

I was so incredibly tired, even though I didn’t even participate, but since I wanted to have a somewhat normal sleeping pattern, I was determined to stay awake and not take a nap.  Christina and I went to Lowe’s to check out movies and their times.  Nothing particularly interested both of us, so we went to Fuddruckers at 11am.  By the time we arrived at her apartment, we would’ve completely missed the beginning of the movies we were debating on (sure bad at estimating time huh?).  We watched Stardust on her computer while eating lunch (I ate the big dog with chili and cheese while got the burger/fries/shake combo).  Phoebe called to watch the new Narnia movie.  So Christina quickly reviewed through the first Narnia movie on her computer, supplementing with verbal summarizations.  Then I browsed her books (she’s an English teacher at Kempner).  I asked about Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf.  She has no idea why the play references that; she was famous in the literary world and the title is a play on “who’s afraid of the big bad wolf?”  She took a nap while I looked Woolf up: “Dreadnought Hoax was a practical joke pulled in 1910 by Horace de Vere Cole and five friends, including Virginia Stephen (later Virginia Woolf)…Modern diagnostic techniques have led to a posthumous diagnosis of bipolar disorder…The ethos of Bloomsbury discouraged sexual exclusivity, and in 1922, Woolf met Vita Sackville-West.”  She committed suicide.

Christina suddenly got up and realized that it was time to go.  Good going, Christina.  She, Phoebe, Linton, Hannah, Tina, James, Jonathan, and I watched Prince Caspian at 4:30pm at Lowe’s (barely missed the matinee price for movies before 4pm on Saturdays).  Christina left because she was pretty wiped out.  Chris was at work.  I joined them (and Ariel came, too) at Avalon Diner for dinner at 9pm.  I got the turkey/avocado omelette for $10.  They ran out of the recommended-by-the-waitress dish of steak and eggs.  Hannah’s order was right, but James and Jonathan’s dishes were a bit mismatched–Jonathan wasn’t bothered much, just got the pork version.  The main question discussed for the evening was, “If you didn’t believe in Jesus, what religious would you follow?”  Here’s the breakdown: Phoebe said Unitarian Universalism (or Ba’hai or whichever incorporates getting along with all religions, obviously none of us know much), Linton said Mormonism (he arrived back today from Utah for business), and I think the rest of them said atheism (or James said burning incense to ancestors).  I said atheism/agnosticism.

We walked to Borders and sat for a bit (Hannah checked to see if there were any sales).  Then Tina jumped on another’s suggestion to walk to the water, “Yes, Tina needs to walk.”  The girls chatted about clothing (I think Ariel’s going to a wedding), then Tina suggested we get ice cream since Hannah regretted not ordering a shake.  Cold Stone Creamery was near Lowe’s, so we spanned the entire complex I guess.  James is always asking if something is junk food or not, or making explanations that it isn’t junk food.  Yeah….  “Not today” says Jonathan, since he got some.  Hannah got coffee with heath (yum).  Hannah mentioned a quarterlife crisis, which James somewhat related.  Linton says he hasn’t reached there yet, that he is still on the way up/forward to something.  LOL, it was funny how James said that he loved it when he resigned.  I got home at midnight and crashed.

Sunday.  Charles and I drove to Elliot’s house, where the three of us met up to carpool.  (Elliot couldn’t convince Ed to come, and so Pepsi didn’t come either.)  Charles drove us to pick up Henry from his apartment then headed to Jack In the Box at 1212 for lunch.  I ordered four grilled chicken strips for $4.64 (felt like a ripoff).  Then we got to MFAH at 1pm.  We browsed around until 1:30, when they started seating us to watch Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind.  The guys talked about having dirt on each other (and Ed Ly) and using it against each other, revealing it, etc.  We looked at the pamphlet they gave out for this Target Free Sunday (comparing the pictures of plants to their names).  Christina suddenly appeared and sat to my right right when the lights dimmed at 2pm.  I liked the movie because she was really going for understanding.  And she was amazing in all her abilities, as Lord Yupa already professed at the beginning of the movie.  Indeed, “What are you so afraid of?”  A lot of violence is borne out of fear of “the other.”  Henry says she should’ve died (there were Christian undertones), but Elliot said, “No, she has to live, so I can marry her” LOL!  Hey, she’s like Rocky and Gandhi put together, as Dave would say it, haha!  Who wouldn’t find her attractive?

Afterwards we went around to the exhibits (Pompeii wasn’t free).  Elliot teased Henry when he tried to explain one of the drawings on the wall, that the explanation didn’t exactly match what was written on the author plaque.  One artist painted Egypt abstractly (I don’t ever get it, so they make me annoyed).  We spent quite some time in the Korean exhibits.  Henry said he really liked the small wall-mounted plaque statue of the elephant in the other Asian exhibit.  Lastly, we observed the poles that important people carry/use.  Each had something on the top, so there were explanations.  Elliot really liked the one that went like, “Holding a kingdom is like holding an egg; hold it too hard and it’s crushed, hold it too loose and it will fall and break.”  Henry said he liked the quote that went something like, “A crab doesn’t give birth to a bird.”  The one that got me thinking was, “The hen knows it is dawn but lets the rooster crow.”  Christina found it to be anti-feminist.  Jacky called, so I called Wilson about football.  We sat around discussing the next step (board game?  buy Ziggity?  eat?).  Christina suggested we eat, Elliot of course suggested Fuddruckers (to which Christina got all excited about), Henry suggested Niko-Niko’s, and Charles jumped on that and made the decisive push to leave (5:30 pm).  I got the Hercules Plate.  Then we all left for home.  Charles stayed with Elliot to help him with his Microsoft Word.  I end up napping from 7:30 until 9 pm (sigh, so much for trying to stay up until nighttime).  Lil goo-goo took the trash out and left for her workplace.  I watched Dead Like Me because it was the only thing on and then went back to bed.

Lost

Not the television series season finale tonight.  That’s just how I describe how I’ve been feeling for quite some time.  And that’s what I’ve been telling people.  Like I wrote in an email three weeks ago when asked for a prayer request:  “On a personal note, I still feel lost, but it’s not this big suffocating weight and desperation, and I don’t really think it’s a bad thing either.  Still, I think what was said at Bible study was right on target, I really don’t even know what to specify except that I really haven’t touched that Bible in forever.  I used to read it every day.  So that is a step.  But just everything is on my mind really, like counseling and church and career and stuff….”  Before, it was this feeling of desolation that would be the catalyst of a stampede of thoughts that no one cares (e.g. second-guessing my friends and family, perceiving past gatherings from under the shadow of a dark cloak).  Just as Phoebe knows her fear of the stage is irrational, I know these thoughts are irrational, but it still doesn’t much help with untangling that knot during the deer-in-headlights moment.  Depression is irrational!  Or is it?  I remember Hannah made a comment after watching Lifting the Veil, saying she somewhat believes that some who have depression are more in tune with reality than us “normal” people because we “ignore” the atrocities and stick with an “illusion” of rosiness in order to not go “crazy.”

“Keep Breathing”
by Ingrid Michaelson

The storm is coming but I don’t mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that i know is I’m breathing now.

I want to change the world…instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I’m breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that I know is I’m breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

Anyway, I guess this is as good a time as any to at least sort a smidgen in my mind/heart/spirit:

COMMUNITY
Genesis 35:11

Last Thursday I drove my parents to Austin to pay a last visit before my brother left for one week (to visit his former roommate), to give him his luggage (so he can pack), and to clean out his fridge (because he can leave food on the stove and not ever eat or clean it out).  My brother and I are very close.  We grew up with the same parents and familial history, in the same household, went to the same school for awhile, even were in the exact class and period for a class or two in high school (personal tutor, baby!).  We initially hung out with the majority of the same acquaintances (and lack thereof) and shared in the same struggles regarding church and friends and connectedness that we still discuss to this day, many times while in his room chatting up to the wee hours of the night/morn and our parents would come and say time to go to bed!  We are considerably different when you meet us, no doubt, as I am more like our mother and he is more like our father.  And in fact since high school we have led very different lives and rarely hang out or even talk with the same people, friends, or each other.  Nonetheless, during those occasional phone calls, I would say that I still feel close and  would still reveal much embarrassing/humbling/shameful things to him.

By the way, he had moved into a new apartment (from the urgings of his currently ex-girlfriend) and bought some furniture.  Where did they come from?  The famous Craigslist.  I have never been to the site, but many many people have made references to it.  From my understanding, it’s a virtual (that sometimes eventually leads to a physical) place where people can sell and exchange practically anything, from sofas and endtables to jobs, pets, and discussions.  It reminds me of Facebook and Myspace, two sites which Jennifer Garcia is part of and asked me if I was as well (I’m not, and actually most people in FBCC don’t have Facebook).  I’m not part of Craigslist, either, but is it something to BE a part of?  But those in Facebook and Myspace are still part of that network since they are still signed up in it, right?  Am I still part of Xanga if I decide I won’t write in it anymore (no activity), even if I have two blogs hosted on it?  You used to need an account to leave a comment, but now you don’t.  Do those who have never signed up part of Xanga if they leave a million comments on others’ Xanga blogs?  What does it mean to be part of a community?  What does it mean to be part of a church, and to be part of His Church?

FELLOWSHIP
Acts 2:42-47

I have been faithfully attending church services on Sundays since childhood.  But this past January, since I’ve always hated it (since middle school and El Paso, and even in Austin), I made a conscious decision to just stop going.  I made no effort to wake up earlier than usual, and even if I did, I didn’t even consider the possibility of perhaps attending.  Not until I figure out which church to attend regularly (do I want to stick with FBCC with its new chapter?), why I feel the way I do about it (is it the environment, the specific social situation?), and my reasons for going.  Three Sundays ago, I told Tiffany that though I haven’t really been communing with God lately, and though I have never ever exactly lauded FBCC, I have come to the conclusion to return to FBCC.  Now I have to dissect what that entails.

Regardless of its vagueness, it was a difficult decision.  Vickie is in San Antonio, so that’s why she says she continues to attend WHCC (her default).  However, she says that when she returns to a more permanent stay in Houston, she’ll move to Access, which is where Phoebe and Linton are fellowshiping now.  Access is starting out as a small but highly committed group.  When it grows in size, how will it look like?  Are people still going to connect?  To start off last fall, Pastor Ted asked his congregants to read The Celtic Way of Evangelism: How Christianity Can Reach the West…Again by George G. Hurton III.  In it, the key to evangelism is through understanding and living as a fellowship among the people, and in time they will open their hearts to the God who knows them.  The old Roman way was for people to believe before they can belong, while the new Celtic way is for you to belong and eventually believe.  In other words, the community and not an individual brings you to Christ.  In many ways, it’s easier to tell someone the Gospel than it is to take someone where s/he consistently experiences the Gospel.

How do we belong?  I sure feel like I belong to WHCC and HCC more than FBCC.  I know I am at fault for not terribly trying much, but even though I don’t really try, I get invited to their birthday parties, their holiday celebrations, and their event gatherings.  They even apologize profusely for forgetting to add me onto their list and making sure I am included next time.  On the flip side, I try the hardest with FBCC (but not my hardest in general) by calling and emailing them to contact me to hang out, and instead I’ve come to expect voicemail and oh yeah, this is what we’re doing right now, if you want to come.  Is it because at least one or two people keep track of me at WHCC and HCC, but no one does here at FBCC?  That could make all the difference.  Or is it that I expect more (and keep a record of wrongs?) because I have decided to be included at FBCC but I am nonchalant with whether I am invited to WHCC or HCC?  I remember back in January there was a slew of WHCC birthdays, and then in February there was a slew of FBCC birthdays.  Somehow, I ended up going to the WHCC ones but not the FBCC ones as much; I don’t remember now, but at the time was it due to scheduling conflicts or did I finally decide to attend the WHCC ones because I was more comfortable with them?  What does it mean to expect the worse but hope for the best?  How do you have high expectations but….? 

When I entered college, I checked out a handful of Christian gatherings.  I joined a small group that was part of the then-called Chinese Bible Study because it was the thing to do and everyone kept emphasizing them.  Our group fell apart,one by one, until it was just the Bible study leader, me, and this girl who was highly committed and hadn’t yet accepted Jesus.  I felt sorry, but that wasn’t going to cut it, so I left highly disappointed and joined CCC.  Later, I learned that one of the girls who wasn’t that much of a believer became good friends with Kara and eventually made an amazing transformation through His grace.  The thing is, though you can encourage group ownership, it sure can’t be forced.  Anyone knows nagging doesn’t work, although we find ourselves doing it.  Haven’t you noticed with some you just click instantly and with others you don’t?  Some people find you dull, while others find you exciting, or at least around them somehow you light up.  Even if you give all the time you can, with all the sincerity and effort, with both of you seeking, even if you lived near each other.  Reminds me of that girl from Chicago: we had an affinity towards each other so we’d decide to meet up and all, but anyone can tell from our conversations that somehow we just weren’t clicking.  Eventually we both decided without words to call it off.  She was a smart and pretty girl; I wonder where she is now after UT Austin pre-pharm classes.

Maybe we’re defining incorrectly.  Back in high school, I was elected to be the Science Club president, with a new teacher sponsor.  It bothered me that our definition of a member was someone who paid the fee.  There were those who were super dedicated, coming and helping at every single event, while others never showed up but they did pay the money.  I didn’t enjoy being president, so for me to keep everything running was as good as it was going to get, not trying to change their pre-existing system.  Magnificat has an application process but afterwards you’re in for life.  Even with years of hiatus you are always wlecome to come back and use the resources.  I met Annie Shen at an HCC gathering, and she says she hangs out with HCC, serves in her home Asian church, and then attends a more American (or African-American?) church on Sunday mornings.  Seems fragmented and yet, is that something I want to imitate?  In a way, her method demonstrates that we together are the Bride of Christ.  Vickie’s always running around hanging out with all these groups because we are all interconnected (actually, if left to my own devices, I really don’t care to make new friends). 

Indeed, it is impossible to know everyone, even within a single church building (”Abandon Committees, Skip Teams, and Embrace Communities” by George Bullard), so is there significance in “choosing” a church?  Are we to attend, serve, and gather within one?  What does the modern-day “fellowship of the believers” look like?  I think my problem would be choosing, because many times events have been booked for the same weekend.  Do I even it out?  Or instead, focus?  Still, I remember in the past when someone at FBCC needed a bone marrow transplant due to leukemia; the whole church gathered together.  We have also drawn together to fundraise for missions we support.  And the Chinese churches have gathered together for events as well (although it appears that FBCC does that less than the others).  Our mechanic, dentist, realtor, and family physician all were borne from the network of these Chinese churches.  It’s like “The New Science of Networks” by Albert-Laszlo Barabasi (who wrote it after reading “The Strength of Weak Ties“ by Mark S. Granovetter).

Still, when I went to RecWeek it was a big deal since I didn’t commit myself to InterVarsity but to CCC:EPIC (who has their own similar conference: DWC)–the IV leader went to the CCC leader to make sure they knew about me and it was okay with them!  Actually, it is the close relationships I formed in EPIC, not IV, that continue to live on.  I’ve still visited Josh, sent a card to Jonathan Le, had a few meals with prayers and talks of our spiritual struggles with Marie when she stops in town, and exchanged sparse emails with Iris.  Which reminds me: before the birth of EPIC, Alice and I were part of a CCC cell group.  The concept is that, as it grew, it would split and thus multiply.  We had to decide who we wanted to go with: Ophelia or Kristen.  I couldn’t decide at all.  Eventually, on the Jester steps, Iris poured out her heart and tears and basically begged me to be part of the one she had chosen.  I don’t remember if I had chosen one yet at this point, or if I ended up choosing the one that she asked me to be a part of, but I just remember this particular heart-wrenching moment.  I’ve never felt so loved and accepted.  And then, even leaving a comment on a random Xanga where they just started their own EPIC, I never would have imagined that eventually she would pray for my sins, and then point me (with Rudi) to spent one night of our two-week road trip at a stranger’s apartment.  Not only did this sister in Christ open her place for us and provide hospitality, she also prayed for and over us.

FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS
Luke 15:1-7

Perhaps Josh had a better glimpse of how this all operates when he wrote his journal entry on seasonal friendships.  On the snowboarding trip, not only did I reinforce previous friendships but also forged new ones.  Liz prayed for me when she didn’t even know me, only because she knew I needed the spiritual support.  Now we still exchange postcards and emails.  I haven’t spoken to Ruth since I’ve moved back from El Paso; she was a wonderful roommate.  During the student orientation at UT Austin, somehow I ended up hanging with a Hispanic girl and an African-American guy.  I remember the incident when we were eating some free food in a large banquet hall, and he said that he really stood out.  “Because we’re under the skylight?”  “No, because I’m the only black person in this room.”  It was really nice to not be alone and to share the experience with others in the same boat.  I remember her waving at me later, and he visited my dorm freshman year, but now I don’t even remember his or her names (or faces….).  When we graduated, Sapna gave me an old photograph of when the three of us (including Reena) were in second grade? and I had played this detective game with them by planting clues: ”It takes a long time to grow an old friend.”  Back in high school, Carla Ortiz gave me this:  “Thanks for being my friend & for being the caring person that you are to me.  Your the GREATEST friend.  Happy B-day to a friend that means ALOT to me.”  I remember thinking, this is so out of nowhere!  I don’t recall any conversations we’ve had in the past, and ever since I have not a clue what’s going on with her.  She says I’m such a great friend to her, but how?  I know many times I’m nice to those I really would prefer never to hang out with again, but with her it wasn’t even that….

I remember back in Austin, Timmy Chui wrote about The Atomic Tiers of Friendship haha; wonder where he got his ideas.  Phoebe and Hannah have been gone for a week in Hong Kong and will be gone for another week.  I have been contemplating our relationships since I’ve been back at my parents’ place for the time being.  Phoebe and I grew close first semester of freshman year and then agreed to an accountability relationship thereafter until I moved to El Paso.  Hannah and I gelled a connection after her 22nd birthday while exchanging deep, dark, familiar yet unsimilar, privacies.  We’ve hung out I think usually once a week together on the weekends, but of course it’s not like before.  I think other acquaintances (not “friends”) know more about them than I do at this point.  I’m not exactly pining for the days gone by but rather how to take those spontaneous moments along into the future, how to cultivate the environment for our older selves in new stages, for the sake of the gospel, for our children.

I mentioned that we should be neighbors so our kids can play together.  Linton said, “But you don’t even have a boyfriend!.”  Indeed, I’m not even close to marrying, let alone having children.  I never really got to know my neighbors, but it turns out that I know a little more (thanks to my dad) than Phoebe and Hannah do about theirs (they say they’re new).  Linton has to feed their dog Missy, but it seems that in the past (or at least in media), the neighbor usually handles that role.  As I drive towards Dulles Avenue, I always pass a driveway packed with boys who have grown tall and lanky!  I don’t know who lives there, but I’ve seen African-American guys, Asian-American guys, and white guys all playing basketball together.  When Gilmore Girls first came out, what drew me was not only the intelligent banter but the concept that they lived in a (too) close-knit town.  Everyone would eat at the local Luke’s Diner, and then people could hang out on their front porches and say hello to those walking by.  But they sure had a lot of gossip.  (And, as Phoebe said, when Dean made love to Rory, we were shocked.  So much for a clean series.)  I absolutely adored the neighborhood playground my brother and I frequented as children.  Okay, so maybe this concept is now dangerous in this day and age.  Then you can have those “gated communities” that Jessica/Robert/Rosemery (and my brother) are in (compare with the med center condos that Alison/Wilson/Cindy live in).

MARRIAGE
Ephesians 5:22-33

I always say that I feel more comfortable around guys than girls (verus for Linton he says he grew up feeling more comfortable around girls than guys).  The past few weeks I wonder how I came to that conclusion, both mentally and subconsciously in how I act.  I mean, I hung out with both while in school (and senior year it was a table of all females during lunch, man I miss Arlene and oh, her birthday was this past Sunday), and at church it wasn’t like the guys in my class treated me better than the girls.  I would also say that I have more guy friends than girl friends, yet if I lost my guy friends I would be sad but not as devastated as if I were to lose a friendship with a girl. 

Chris is a prime example.  In fact, I’m almost hesitant to call him a friend.  Is he more of a…frequent acquaintance?  Seriously, the only reason we hang out is through Linton (and satellite friends).  I have a [funny] birthday card that he gave me freshman year.  Little did I know then how rare that is.  Yet he’s probably going to be one of Linton’s groomsman, and I did invite him to my birthday dinner, I guess to even it out.  I also invited Nathan Kim, and we rarely talk.  In fact, we just see each other at football and usually don’t even exchange words.  But I know if I am in need of prayer or other help, he will respond, as he always emails back amidst his numerous activities.  And then there are Andrew, Nathan, and Inch.  Well, I haven’t been in contact with them for quite a long time now, but it’s okay.  I think I feel closer to them than the other people I’ve met from football simply because I met them through Vickie, and somehow that changed the dynamics in how I associate with them, like sending them Christmas cards.

Haha, remember when Tina Chen thought that David Kalloor and I were dating because he’d come over so often freshman year before either of us made many new friends?  It never occurred to me, and I never ever did/will have that thought concerning him.  Whereas with Siwei we, I have no idea how, hit it off right off the bat (where/when/who).  I could tell him everything that I tell my brother–that’s how close I felt with him.  But I barely met him.  At first I clung to thinking, “What does it mean to know my husband?” but like friendships, there are those you just click with and those you don’t.  So I’ve let go of that.  When I said no in Austin to a sweet guy who asked me out, he asked if it was because he didn’t believe in God.  “No, I’m just not attracted to you.”  Somehow, I didn’t feel it.  

Although, I think that has to do with our current culture.  If parents don’t approve of your choice nowadays, that’s usually overlooked instead of trying to reconcile.  In past customs (like the dowry) and in prevailing traditions (like the father “giving away” the daughter) though, it’s really a relationship between the two families, if not also between/within churches (The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony by Pamela Paul), dating with the approval of your community, who is in the place to help you weigh in the other factors of values and also keep you accountable.  That’s probably why Erwin and I are somewhat okay when thinking about arranged marriages.  I think the problem occurs when they make matches due to affluence and distinguishment, etc, as all humans end up messing up good systems.  My question to myself is, “If a guy I highly respect were to ask me but I just wasn’t feeling it, even after multiple extended rendezvous, would I accept?”  I think this is the wisdom I need to ask God about: the ability to discern whether an obstacle is the result of the need for discipline/perseverance (hurdle) or is the result of the need for a detour/fork (wall).  That’s what I’ve been trying to consider about waking up early, memorizing verses, personality in socializing, planning (using a planner works great for me, but Jennifer Lin says it doesn’t help her at all), kit with relatives, exercising, friendships as mentioned above, love languages….

PURPOSE
John 17:4

Last Wednesday, we met for FBCC Ladies’ Group.  The overall concensus was, we have no idea where we are headed and how our stories will end on earth and continue in heaven.  Many are figuring out whether to change to an entirely new area of study, or at least a new job within their current finished schooling.  The competition rises each year it seems among valedictorians/salutatorians, and I am amazed at just how ambitious and passionate they appear to be; you wonder if they will reach it, and if they will find satisfaction in reaching it.  As the dark clouds slowly dissipate, at times an epiphany or some clarity will shine through, but then it quickly disappears and I’m in a fog again, but still in a better state for seeing it.  I’m usually at peace when I think that I will be married while going about the house, how I’ve always vaguely but contentedly imagined it, helping supporting supplementing whatever he endeavors.  Despite that, Proverbs 31 had always bothered me, but even now the Proverbs 31 woman is now a celebration and challenge.  This always-wife desire and this in-the-Bible-but-doesn’t-seem-right disenchantment is finally coming together.  I guess I didn’t realize that it made me feel intimidated, incompetent, hopeless, exhausted (in my own power) like reading the goals of the graduates.  Instead, as God is making us perfect, as women He is making us her (His power with our participation), in our own unique ways. 

Of course, having “peace” doesn’t always mean I’m on the right track, but again you can’t discount it either.  I get restless when I think that I have been blessed beyond what I could’ve asked or imagined and with that comes the stewardship of making great strides for His kingdom (and thus even before believing but being raised in church, missions was always attractive to my naive eyes).  The thing is, ultimately we are to obey and glorify, NOT to change the world.  I think it is in this that I am transitioning from abstractness into something more pragmatic, as I am slowly lifted out and glean the gems that can only be understood from coming out of trip-ups, temptations, and trials.  I was all tangled up in my buzz words of community/friends/romance/vulnerability/missions/reconciliation/prayer, I’ve forgotten to “look up!”  I’ve been trying to figure out what God has given me a gift in, where God has placed my passions in, and how it could all work in this current culture, but conclusively regardless of techniques and training, the umph will be from God.  

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.  Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.  All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.  For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! (Philippians 3:7-16, Romans 11:36).

AMEN.

LWB: Ch03: About Themselves

One of the areas that is particularly impacted by our view of God is our view of ourselves.  If we do not see Him as He really is, invariably, we will have a distorted view of ourselves.  If we have an impoverished view of God, we will become impoverished ourselves. 

7.  “I’m not worth anything.”

More than 42% of the women we surveyed indicated that this is a lie they have believed.  Sometimes the input and opinions of others are accurate and helpful.  But if, for some reason, the person we are listening to is looking through a defective “lens,” his or her vision will be distorted.  Some of us have lived all our lives in an emotional prison because we have accepted what a false, “broken” mirror said about us about ourselves.  Even when the input is true, the Deceiver can use that data to put us in bondage.  For example, a playmate may accurately observe, “You’re fat!”  That little girl will one day find herself in bondage if she grows up drawing false conclusions:  “Therefore…”

• I’ll always be fat
• Nobody could ever like me or want me to be her friend
• I’m worthless
• I have to be the life of the party in order to be liked or accepted by others

These women are letting others determine their self worth.  Jesus’ sense of worth was determined, not by what others thought of him–good or bad–but by the Truth as expressed by His heavenly Father (I Peter 2:4, chosen by God).  It is conceivable that someone who did not recognize or appreciate fine art would toss a masterpiece into the trash.  Would that make the painting less valuable?  The true worth of the art would be seen when an art collector spotted the painting and said, “That is a priceless piece, and I am willing to pay any amount to acquire it.”  When God sent His only Son Jesus to this earth to bear your sin and mine on the cross, He put a price tag on us–He declared the value of our soul to be greater than the value of the whole world.  Whose opinion are you going to accept?

8.  “I need to learn to love myself.”

“Low self-esteem” is one of the most common diagnoses of our day.  Mental health professionals diagnose it in their clients; teachers diagnose it in their students; people diagnose it in themselves.  The lies represented in ads are not the polar opposite but rather distortions of the Truth.  In reality, we were created in the image of God, that He loves us, and that we are precious to Him.  However, we do not bestow that worth on ourselves.  The Truth is that we do love ourselves–immensely.  Jesus tells us to love our neighbors as ourselves (Ephesians 5:28-29).  Some of us get hurt easily not because we hate ourselves but because we love ourselves!  If we did not care so much about ourselves, to be accepted and cherished, we would not be so concerned about being rejected, neglected, or mistreated.  Our malady is our low view of God, our “poor God-image.”  We need to deny ourselves, receive His incredible love for us, and accept His design and purpose for our lives.  We will no longer have to compare ourselves to others; we will not focus on “self” at all.  Instead, we will become channels of His love to others.

9.  “I can’t help the way I am.”

Perhaps you relate to one of these women: “You’ll be just like your parents–it’s hereditary”, “I had a weight problem because all my dad’s family is fat.  No use trying–it just comes back anyway.  I blame them for my bondage to food”, “It’s that time of the month”, “I’ve never had a model to show me how to raise my kids”, or “My family never dealt with problems so to this day, I can’t really confront issues.”  The implication of all these is that others have made us the way we are–we are merely victims, reacting to wounds inflicted on us.  However, as we reflect on Eve’s story, we discover that it was not a man who ruined her life–contrary to the insistence of modern-day feminism that men are largely responsible for our problems as women.  Eve made a simple, personal choice–there was no one but herself to blame.  The lie makes us into helpless victims with no more control over who we are and what we do than a marionette.  This leaves us without hope that we can ever be different.  The Truth is that we do have a choice.  We can be changed by the power of God’s Spirit.

10.  “I have my rights.”

“Certain unalienable rights”…”Have it your way”…from the Declaration of Independence to fast food, this has been a watch cry of Western civilization.  The modern-day feminist movement was birthed in the 1960s and has been sustained by persuading women to march:  the right to vote; the right to be free from housework; the right to equal employment and wages; the right to control our own bodies; the right to be free from a husband’s name and from every other form of “male domination.”  After all, “If you don’t stand up for your rights, no one else will!”  Today it is assumed that

• you have a right to be happy
• you have a right to be understood
• you have a right to be loved
• you have a right to a certain standard of living, to an equitable wage, and to decent benefits
• you have a right to a good marriage
• you have a right to companionship and romance
• you have a right to be treated with respect in the workplace
• you have a right to be valued by your husband and appreciated by your children
• you have a right to time off and a certain number of vacation days
• you have a right to a good night’s sleep
• you have a right to have your husband pitch in with the household chores

And most important, if any of your rights are violated, you have a right to protest, to be angry, to take action, to insist on your rights!  However, the claiming of rights has produced much, if not most, of the unhappiness women experience today.  The Old Testament prophet Jonah illustrates the natural human tendency to claim rights and become angry when those “rights” are violated.  Jonah felt he had a right to dislike the Ninevites, to minister where he wanted to minister, to see the Ninevites judged by God.  When God acted differently, Jonah became angry with an emotional temper tantrum that resulted in suicidal thoughts (Jonah 4:1).  When God responded, He didn’t sympathize with his wounded feelings or stroke his ego.  “Have you any right to be angry?” (Jonah 4:4).  Jonah refused to answer the question.  Instead, he went to the city’s outskirts and built a temporary shelter to see if God would change his mind.  God provided a vine (Jonah 4:6), and Jonah was happy, but when it was gone, he begged to die again.  “Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?” (Jonah 4:9).  “I do….I am angry enough to die” (Jonah 4:9).  Jonah felt he had the right to control his own life and environment, to have things go the way he wanted them to go, and to be angry when they didn’t.  If I am staking out my own rights, even the smallest violation of those rights can leave me feeling and acting moody, uptight, and angry.  The fact is, successful relationships and healthy cultures are not built on the claiming of rights but on the yielding of rights. 

11.  “Physical beauty matters more than inner beauty.”

I believe that our preoccupation with external apperance goes back to the first woman.  The fruit was “pleasing to the eye.”  The problem wasn’t that the fruit was “beautiful”–God had made it that way.  Nor was it wrong to enjoy and appreciate the beauty of God’s creation.  The problem was that Eve placed undue emphasis on external appearance than less visible qualities, such as trust and obedience.  From that moment on, Eve and her husband became self-conscious and ashamed of their bodies–bodies that had been masterfully formed by a loving Creator.  They immediately sought to cover up, afraid to risk exposure before one another.  This lie leaves both men and women feeling unattractive, ashamed, embarrassed, and hopelessly flawed.  Comparison, envy, competitiveness, promiscuity, sexual additions, eating disorders, immodest dress, flirtatious behavior–the list of attitudes and behaviors rooted in a false view of beauty is long.  Only the Truth (Proverbs 31:30, I Peter 3:3-5) can overcome the lies we have believed.

These verses do not teach that physical beauty is somehow sinful, or that it is wrong to apy any attention to our outward appearance.  One of Satan’s strategies is to get us to move from one extreme to another.  There is a growing aversion in our culture to neatness, orderliness, and attractiveness in dress.  Do you know who you are?  God made you a woman; accept His gift; don’t be afraid to be feminine and to add physical and spiritual loveliness to the setting where He has placed you.  You are a child of God; you are part of the bride of Christ; you belong to the King–you are royalty.  Dress and conduct yourself in a way that reflects your high and holy calling.  We as Christian women should seek to reflect the beauty, order, excellence, and grace of God thorugh both our outward and inner person.  The “virtuous wife” is physically fit and well dressed (Proverbs 31:17,22), a compliment to her husband.  If a wife dresses slovenly, she reflects negatively on her husband (and on her heavenly Bridegroom).  Further, if she makes no effort to be physically attractive for her husband, you may be sure another woman out there will be standing in line to get his attention.

When the apostle Paul wrote to Timothy about how things ought to be in the church, he took time to address the way women dress.  His instructions show the balance between the inner heart attitude and her outer attire and behavior (I Timothy 2:9-10).  The words translated “adorn” and “modest” in this text mean “orderly, well-arranged, decent”; they speak of “harmonious arrangement.”  The outward appearance is to reflect a heart that is simple, pure, and well-ordered; her clothing and hairstyles should not be distracting or draw attention to herself.  In this way, she reflects the true condition of her heart and her relationship with the Lord, and she makes the Gospel attractive to the world.  No sooner had I turned forty, than I started receiving catalogs promoting products guaranteed to combat the effects of aging.  However, the fact is, I am getting older.  There is a dimension of life that can grow richer and fuller (Proverbs 4:18), even as our outer bodies are decaying. 

12.  “I should not have to live with unfulfilled longings.”

Our society has bought into the philosophy that there is (or ought to be) a remedy (preferably quick and easy) for every unfulfilled longing.  We are encouraged to identify do whatever is necessary to get those “needs” met.  Take a quick look at the covers of women’s magazines at the checkout counter filled with offers that promise to satisfy.  This lie has led women to trade their virginity for a warm body and the promise of companionship.  It has led many young people down the aisle of a church to exchange wedding vows for all the wrong reasons.  And it has led a high percentage of those same couples down the aisle of a divorce court. 

First, we have to recognize that we will always have unfulfilled longings this side of heaven (Romans 8:23, Psalm 16:11, 34:8-10).  In fact, if we could have all our longings fulfilled down here, hearts would never long for a better place.  Our inner longings are not necessarily sinful in and of themselves.  What is wrong is demanding that those longings be fulfilled here and now, or insisting on meeting those longings in illegitimate ways.  God created the sex drive.  It is not wrong to fulfill that drive, as long as it is fulfilled in God’s timing and in God’s way–within the marriage covenant.  Likewise, it is not wrong to have hunger or to eat.  What is wrong is when we stuff ourselves in an effort to satisfy emotional and spiritual longings.  Until God provides the legitimage context to fulfill our longings, we must learn to be content with unfulfilled longings.  We must learn to accept those longings, surrender them to God, and look to Him to meet the deepest needs of our hearts.  The second Truth is that the deepest longings of our hearts cannot be filled by any created person or thing.  Every created thing is guaranteed to disappoint us.  Things can burn, break, be stolen, get lost.  People can move, change, fail, die.

AFFIRM the Truth:  Psalm 139:13-18, Ephesians 1:3-8, Romans 5:6-8, Romans 8:1-2, 13, 15-17

This is it

Saturday, March 29, 2008.  Sally works today.  I dropped dad off at Home Depot then picked up Phoebe and Becka at the Lins’s house.  Hannah had Houston READ (website’s not really working lately) training that morning so she came by herself around noon.  Our Beacon shift is from 11 am to 2 pm.  Other people who came today were Linton, Brian Lee, Chi-Chi, Greg from Access, and six Rice students that Peter Ou invited.  Hannah helped with the laundry, and as expected (this is her first time) she was very impressed with the efficiency.  (They didn’t pass out clothes today, like I did last time, which was my first time.)  Becka and I volunteered to help with the salad, not knowing (or at least not me, but probably her as well since this is her first time) we’d have the hardest lunch lady jobs.  It’s the hardest because while the entrees just need to be scooped (which I’m guessing can be difficult as well since you need strength to scoop), we had to assemble ours on the spot (and you know how they can be picky).  It was basically nonstop for the full three hours.  Becka handled the fruit salad but helped me out when there was a stream of garden salad requests (lettuce, tomato, cucumber, and dressing).  I abandoned the utensils and just used my latex-gloved hand to put the lettuce in the bowl, but later on one of the staff whispered in my ear that I had to use the tongs, so I returned to that method.  I didn’t ask about this method, but sometimes I would just use the bowl and scoop the lettuce that way.  Turns out Thousand Island is the most popular, with a close second from Ranch (one guy asked me to pour it on literally everything on his tray), with Italian dressing being the third pick (and it’s also probably the healthiest, because it’s the clearest).  We were sometimes good-naturedly hit on, and one woman commented on my “Cindy Crawford beauty” mole. 

For lunch we went to This Is It.  It was cleaner than the last place we visited (The Breakfast Klub).  They also had two fish tanks: the one close to the restroom is saltwater while the one with the turtles is freshwater (reminds me of Andrew Eng and I don’t know which environment is harder to maintain, I think he had said saltwater because of the salt concentration?).  Phoebe and I shared a combo, and good thing.  Becka and Hannah shared a combo, too.  Peter and Linton of course got their own plates.  Haha, Linton likes this place (probably due to quantity).  I do think The Breakfast Klub is slightly overpriced due to the hype they build up (I felt they were a bit arrogant, if we had contested).  During the meal, Phoebe shared that she had talked with the staff.  Though it’s only been a year since the Beacon opened, there was a lot of planning behind it.  The main guy at first worked with the church staff as a consultant since he used to work at CiCi’s (thus knows how to stretch a dollar), and as a hotel manager (thus the laundry system).  When it was concluded, the church staff asked this church member to join their committee (paid of course), so he agreed.  Amazing how God works; reminds me of “you have come to [this] position for such a time as this” (Esther 4:14 - hey I’m not a Bible scholar in the least, so I may have totally taken that out of context). 

How would you rate the job you have right now?  Linton says he’d rate it a 4-6 on a 10 scale.  Someone mentioned that the better scale would be a 7 scale because 10 is too many and there’s not a significant difference between the hash marks.  Haha, so he calculated what his 10-scale answer would be on the 7 scale.  Hannah asked me how I would rate occupational therapy.  I couldn’t really give her a real answer (or maybe I gave a better answer?) and she was understanding.  I think all settings of occupational therapy are amazing, especially working with children (I feel if you get that job you would have the most variety of exposure, especially working at Ben Taub), whereas in physical dysfunction you’ll probably have more depth than breadth (e.g. my CI at St. Luke’s really liked neuro, and Shanae ended up getting a job at TIRR in I think Brain Injury).  With my personality, I probably have to go with depth because breadth would probably overwhelm me.  I think what would work for me is to get my handle on something, and then as I learn more and more about it, and research more on my own when I’ve leveled out, I can get better at my little part of the world.  I never really had much of a “vision” either.  That’s just my thinking right now.  But there’s nothing that pops out for me, so vareity and breadth is also attractive….

Everyone left afterwards.  I went to R.E.I. around 4 pm because I saw it from the road (off Westheimer) and figured I’d check it out.  Jessie Tan had mentioned she got a sweet deal on a sleeping bag (that’s awesomely soft, insulated, and easy to pack into a small bag), but the sale was over when I went over and checked.  Michael’s was nearby so I went inside and browsed (bad idea - my time killer).  I finally bought from the clearance rack, about $10 worth of dollar and half-dollar items:  glow sticks, candle tins, big bubble-blower, rolls of yarn, photo mat so I can trace, two decks of magic cards (for Wilson, haha), and brushes for my activity analysis.  I finally arrived home at 6:30, read the comics, ate dinner, played the piano, then went to bed at 8:30.  They went on a night on the town for Kenneth See’s going-away party (since he’s going to California), but that’s not my thing.

Sunday, March 30, 2008.  I left the house pretty early this Sunday, around noon.  I was trying to find free wi-fi hotspot havens (houston.about.com/od/diningoutgoingout/f/wifi.htm) but all the ones I checked out turned out to be nonexistent (Doochie E-Cafe, Cakeland Cafe on Wilcrest, and of course I can’t be in the Holiday Inn parking lot using their internet, which seemed secure anyway).  I gave up and decided to drive to football but keep my eye out for any signs.  United Sisters Restaurant caught my eye, but when I opened the door there were a lot of African-American men watching a game on the television, and I didn’t want to feel like I’m getting on their territory or suspicious (plus my bravery sort of left me) and no one noticed I was at the door so I changed my mind.  I was really hungry so I walked to the Subway on Bellaire instead (it’s not part of the strip, but in the middle of the parking lot).  It’s a one-man show (only one guy is there serving and taking the money).  They didn’t have Seafood Sensation, or Tuna (which is alright with me, since they probably have the most calories), or ____.  I asked him what they DID have, and then he started saying that the previous shift before him didn’t prepare anything for him, so in the morning he was only able to cut the cheese, etc.  He seemed pretty frustrated, I wasn’t picky this afternoon so I wasn’t miff, but the lady behind me was a bit surprised that it was THAT narrow of a selection (she wasn’t demanding or anything).  I think she frequents here more than I do (well, this is my first time haha).  I finally asked for Meatball, which they finally had.  I then worked on school stuff from 2:30-5:30 pm at the Schlotzsky’s next to Randall’s a few minutes away from Willow Park.  I know, I kind of stumbled upon it, so I would’ve bought something to eat there plus use their facility (and their wi-fi, which is for customers only).  I watched them play football from 6 until they left at 7:30.  Tiffany said they were eating someplace close to where she lives, which is far from here, so I said I’ll go home to eat instead.  I went home and did so, talking with Vickie on the phone for an hour about Guatemala.  I washed my clothes, showered, chatted online with Nathan Wang and Jonathan, then went to bed at 11 pm.

Finding our place in the world

Like any good blog community, WordPress advertises popular posts from within their domain; it’s one way to probably facilitate their revenue (http://changingway.org/2008/03/12/making-money-from-wordpresscom/).  One of today’s features was “254 - Ludacris’ Rap Map of US Area Codes” from http://strangemaps.wordpress.com/ (published on March 9, 2008).  It was quite an interesting post.  Then I started scrolling down to the bottom (December 22, 2007).  I’m not particularly into cartography or geodesy, but I think I spent more than two hours (that I really can’t afford to give up right now grrr) browsing because it is very organized.  But I believe those that are superb are those which a lay person can even appreciate.  (I remember coloring maps in Geography class in tenth grade.  My teacher loved having me because I drew/colored pretty maps and also she expected me to make 100s on all my tests, which I did because she set my standard so high - like that time I forgot one answer and I sat there for 15 minutes until the answer came to me.  Do you remember Cathy Nguyen?  She started drawing even more beautiful maps, and her three-dimensional one was a piece of art.  I kept thinking that these maps are already drawn, why in the world are we drawing them again?  I guess it was a side “class” on cartography, haha.)  I am really tired from work and I need to work tomorrow, too, but these did catch my eye:

• 253 - Germany surrounded by Switzerland –> literally by its land
• 249 - South of No North: Country Music’s Favourite States  –> showing the sizes of the states so the map looks a bit funky.  Texas is second (after Tennessee).
• 247 - All the World In A Song  –> I saw this on my two-week West Coast road trip.  We didn’t stay long; Rudi wasn’t too impressed with the map store we stopped in at, haha.
• 244 - 5 Million Hits - The Atlas of Strange Maps - Your Help Requested  –> the author is in the process of publishing a book!
• 242 - Nearer the North: Australia in the King Projection  –> dissecting the backdrop of Larry King and Michael Moore’s talk show episode.
• 241 - Every Englishman Is An Island…  –> a mock imaginary island resembling a brain, surrounded by Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, and other unpleasantness at sea, and including fear, romance, prejudices, and desires.
• 240 - The American Eagle, About to Spread Its Wings  –>
• 231 - Praise the Lord and Pass the Dictionary!  –> a prayer in many languages?
• 229 - Vital Statistics of a Deadly Campaign: the Minard Map  –> “The best statistical graphic ever drawn” says statistician Edward Tufte.
• 228 - Merry Kiritimati!  –> a lesser known Christmas Island; I like the name.
• 227 - First the Cartoon, then the War: Europe in 1870  –> each country/character is explained.  other political maps:  http://bibliodyssey.blogspot.com/2008/08/dogs-of-war.html

I really enjoyed the site.  I’ve come across other “map blogging” sites with disinterest, and none took hold of me like this one.  I think it’s because I am tired.  But some of the images appeal to me, or the title.  And if I do find the time to skim, there are words bolded.  And if I make the time to read the entire post, then I get even more out of it.  It’s like what they say about television shows, the ones where newcomers can have enjoyment, but cult followings can log on to answer facts, blog, and stick together the latent specifities that connect within the series.  I guess an example would be CSI, where each episode can stand by itself, but regulars know the backstories of the relationships of the actors and can now even go to the museum for a limited time to try their hand at the profession.  The website made me think if I could blog on something in a similar fashion.  Just for my own sake: something routine that doesn’t take too much time but presents enough of a slight challenge that I am not terribly bored either.  Seems to be the next new thing ;-P  Siwei’s doing it (food - and math, and another for his webcomic), but of course last time that happened I didn’t exactly edify my current support system!  Here are some ideas that came to mind:

• Comics  –>  but really I wouldn’t know how to go about it.  I’m not making one, so it wouldn’t be my adventures in producing one (e.g. sketching, lines, inspiration).  It wouldn’t be dissecting the comics I post (I hated doing that back in English class, although Mr. Murrell was a fabulous teacher).  Here’s an interesting site:  http://24hourcomics.com/.  There’s going to be new management for 2008.
• Missionaries  –>  until I thought for the current ones that may jeopardize their ministries.
• Crafts  –>  of some sort.  I don’t want to write about them.  Well…”I made this for so-and-so for his/her birthday.”  Hm…this might be a viable option.  Something like PostSecret? And the StrangeMaps?  And make a book later?  Haha.  But then I have to take pictures, then upload them….
• Stories –>  of some sort:  romantic love stories, spiritual testimonies, occupational therapy efficacy, Bible verses (like during my birthday), suriviving homelessness, ….really I just like to read these things haha.

Anyway, some more map links:

• An Atlas: Radical Cartography Exhibition - http://www.theredhouse.org/gallery/article.php?article_id=cO1201534566c479df66640fce; http://www.timeout.com/chicago/articles/art-design/24982/charting-new-territory
• New Urban Arts had some youth works displayed - http://www.flickr.com/photos/newurbanarts/sets/72157594408295097/detail/
• Exhibits that have closed - http://home.earthlink.net/~docktor/1999ex.htm
• In Chicago - http://festivalofmaps.com/index.aspx

Date

This past Sunday, James Wei called to have dinner with me yesterday.  I don’t know his intentions, but I figured one dinner would be okay.  He didn’t want me to feel “awkward” haha.  I am not romantically interested in him, but neither do I want to cringe when I’m around him.  And I feel that we’ve hung out enough in groups that I could tell him about my diagnosis since I’m not terribly secret about it.  I’m writing this because some people say that I didn’t give this guy “a chance.”  Au contraire.  I had barely seen a handful of times that guy who wanted to ask me on a series of date to see where we would go.  I am not in a state to be seeing anyone.  James just asked me to one dinner.  Yes, he may be planning future appointments, but my answer is to his direct question and not to my assumptions of his “ulterior motive.”  I figure this one meal would be a good time for me to share what I have to share about my depression, and for him to personally let me know what he wants to tell me–in person. 

So I was clear with him, saying dinner would be fine but I really am not a planner and am not sure how I would feel that night (perhaps too tired) or if I would be working on homework for the next day.  He called Wednesday night to confirm, and I said I would actually prefer Friday, so he said that would be fine.  And then it turns out today I got off work later than usual, so I had to call him again to let him know that I was running late.  I told Vickie that I felt like I was a girl trying to say “no” but had the inability so I keep putting it off, but I’m not!  By the time I got home it was already 6:15 so I hopped out of my car in my stiff work clothes and hopped into James’s car.  He took me to Nan Mang Korean Restaurant?  It’s very close to Ko-Mart and WHCC.  We kind of had to eat fast because we wanted to listen to the descendent of James Hudson Taylor (the missionary) speak!  We left the restaurant around 7:45 p.m.  We were late (bumped into Mrs. Lin), but Vickie came later, too.  Linton, Jonathan Eng, Greg, and Faye’s husband Simon were there as well.  I could barely stay awake by 9 p.m.  Afterwards they had different mission opportunities set up in booths in the gym.  Braden’s sister was there (wow, sure different from the last time I saw her as a teeny girl camping).  There’s a poster with EPCBC; the only people I recognized in the photographs were Linton’s parents and Sunny’s brother.  We snacked on Christmas tree cookies…?  They were talking of hanging out afterwards but I was too tired so James took me home by 10:30 p.m.

I enjoyed our time at the restaurant (non-date?) because I realized that I knew next to nothing about James.  We talked about our families (his father and sister are in Taiwan but his mother, who’s his greatest support, lives in Houston).  We also talked about church and God, a general idea of how we came to know Him.  It was mostly “surface” topics, but still necessary information in my opinion.  Also, I felt the conversation flowed pretty well.  I’m not good at asking questions.  He doesn’t appear to be an expert on it, either.  But we both are also not exactly guarded individuals.  He’ll offer some information, and then I’ll offer some stories in response/relation to what he said.  He allows me to talk all the way through, and I pay him the same respect.  Now I can say I know him as well as I know…celebrities I hear about in the news, haha!

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